What not to say to your ex and an update on my life.

I was behaving myself for quite a while but it all finally got to me, pms’ing may have pushed me over the edge, but I finally had it with sucking it up and being quiet.

My ex made a deal when we divorced. The BAH in Hawaii is much higher than Michigan or most places in general. If the military moved us then his BAH would reduce according to where they moved us to but if he paid for the move himself then he could keep the BAH in Hawaii. The deal was we would get rid of pretty much everything and he would buy us new furniture and house hold items once we settled in Michigan. He didn’t have to worry about the  flight tickets for me and the four kids cause we took a free military cargo plane ride to Cali. He paid to have the vehicle sent to the main land and shipped approximately six boxes to us over time.  Sabrina, Tom  and Shirley were living in So. Cal at the time so they took care of getting my car from the shipping docks and driving up to Nor. Cal to get me and the kids from the base where we landed.

We ended up staying a month in So. Cal because my immune system was super low and I was sick. Sabrina and Shirley took care of my kids while I slept for days until I regained some strength.  I had planned to stay with them a week then to stay with my sister a week and then head out to Michigan but my recoup time took over three weeks. I did visit my sister for a few days after that. I wasn’t quite all the way well when we finally headed for Michigan but enough to be able to drive and do so safely.

When we arrived in Kalamazoo,  Michigan we stayed in a hotel for two days before finding and getting in an apartment. I found some collapsible chairs on sale at Target. We used the cushions on them as beds. At the kids bus stop and pool I made some friends who went out of their way to help me out with household odds and ends.  Going across the US and getting in an apartment had me broke and in debt as it was. I found a used sofa at a furniture store and Preston bought it for us. Then he also bought mattresses.  About few months later he came to visit the kids and got me a frame for the bed and some nice beds with drawers under them for the kids, a dinning room table with chairs, some cheep pots and pans and some cheep utensils.  Later when we needed some money for some house hold items he let me know he had already met the amount we “agreed”  on for replacing all the furniture we left in Hawaii and for me not to ask him for any more.

Sabrina and Shirley came to visit a few months after him and bought us some dressers, filing cabinet and a desk, etc. Some of the items were from garage sales. They are good at finding deals at garage sales.  That’s a skill I need to work on. lol Later when we moved to Springfield Shirley got me a nice set of pots and pans and utensils that wouldn’t bend when you used ’em. Friends gave us TV’s and other helpful items. Between finding deals, friends helping out and just going with out we have managed with out asking for money from my ex. He did buy the kids very nice things, like computers and cameras for their birthday and Christmas.

Before summer I hoped to visit friends down south when the kids got out of school. I didn’t factor into the equation that they would no longer be getting free breakfast and lunch at school so our food stamps wasn’t going to get us through the month and the cost of living was going up. There was no way we could afford a road trip during the summer months. Instead I spent a lot of time in the pantry lines waiting on hand outs or vouchers to help us get through. By the end of summer vacation I just had enough of it. Here my ex was living rent free, if he wanted it his food was free, no utilities, and no kids to buy food or clothes for. He has child support which he pays and no more, he has what ever bills he is paying on and credit cards and his electronics and that’s about it. I’m pretty sure he gets more than I do and he is alone and I have our four kids to take care of 24/7/365. It just didn’t seem fair. Plus like I said before , I had the ever  so lovely pms to help fuel my fire when I finally broke down and wrote him a private message on FaceBook.

And here it is along with his response and my re-response:

__________________________________________________________

• 

  August 14

  Lori K. Hobbs

  • Hey! How are things? The check for the 15th hasn’t gotten here. It usually comes a few days ahead of time. Not sure what’s going on, if it’s the bank or the mail. Hopefully it will be here Monday. We are pretty much out of everything including gas. Summer has been very hard. During the school season the kids get breakfast and lunch at school. It makes a big difference. So we haven’t been doing any thing extra. I was hoping to take a trip to see friends down south during summer but I realized right away that there was no way that would work out.The kids really wanted to go to the fair but I didn’t even have gas to get there. I’ve thought from time to time about asking you for some help with things but every time I bring up money it seems you think I am attacking you and you try to retaliate. I really don’t understand why you feel that way and I don’t understand retaliation. It’s like punishment and why would another adult try to punish another adult, I just don’t get it. Just because I say the word money in a sentence doesn’t mean i am out to get you or take advantage of you. If we were still married you would have to have been putting out a lot more for your children and as a married couple for me as well than $2000 a month. When you were talking about the things you need to consider about where you will live and such you mentioned child support. It’s true, that is certainly one of the things. But you said but in a very exasperated tone. What does that mean? Do you feel you shouldn’t be taking care of your kids at all? Or that the $2000 that barely gets us by is waaaaay to much? Ok, I said I wasn’t attacking you when I mentioned money and now it may seem that I am. I should have said the word ‘before’. Now I just am trying to understand what you are thinking. I get no breaks, I have crap for clothes again, the frig is almost empty, I have to sit in panty lines like a beggar to get food. I’m not wasting the money. We have to pay this thing called rent and electricity and insurance and old bills like Macys which is adding up faster than i can pay it and my medical bills cause having a heart attack is expensive and i can’t afford health insurance, Hannah and I both have to have sanitary napkins every month and soon Kara will to, and so on. I put the kids first and try to get enough food in the house and still pay the bills but that means less fresh food cause it doesn’t save. One of the things I thought about asking you for was a Sams Club membership. But then I though, if I ask him what is he gonna do to get even with me for asking? Then I think, I shouldn’t let him intimidate me. But then I have a lot of shit to deal with, why do I have to take on more. Why do you do that? Sure this letter is a bit rough but the other time, which were hardly ever, when I asked for financial help or even just some simple info you got all pissy on me. You usually use the time you plan to be here and spend with the kids. When I ask you stuff you don’t like you will change the time of your visit to a later time or your duration of your stay to less. If you really feel like I am evil by asking for info that I really need and you feel it is ok to punish me then why punish the kids along with me? By making your visit a later time or shortening it you are including your children in my punishment. Maybe I am just misunderstanding you and your actions and words. I really really hope that is the case cause you trying to punish me is disgusting. I have been honest with you and I like I said, I have not tried to take advantage of you by any means. A lot of ex’s do that so you are one lucky man. I also put my heart and soul and everything I got into taking care of our children. I want to see the best for you and I want to see you succeed. Is that evil? Ok, In simple words, please be nice when I bring up the word money. Thank you. I’m done ranting.

• 

  August 14

  Classik Revels

  • I had planned on surprising you with a b-day present, but life happens…I
    get that. Instead I deposited $200 into your NFCU account. Use part of it
    to buy yourself a cake.

    Later.

• 

  August 14

  Lori K. Hobbs

  • Thanks for the $200. I hope remember my atm number. I appreciate you thinking of my B-day. I’m just really wore out with standing in line to get hand outs and staying home cause it costs to much to take the kids anywhere. well, have a nice night. Lori

____________________________________________________________

So now summer is over, the kids are back in school and I am playing catch up cause there was a lot I couldn’t get done with having the kids 24/7.

The $200 mostly went to catching up on past bills and food but  I did get myself a couple books. 🙂

Preston called and asked the three older kids what games for the DHS, Wii and computer they wanted so they told him and he bought them and sent them. It was a nice gesture though I thought it would have been smarter if he had asked me what they needed especially since it was a week before school started. I had really wanted to take them somewhere out of the house or even get them a membership to something like go carts or roller rink. They love games and now they have more reason to stay inside. sigh! They often ask me for membership to things online like Wizards 101. The other day Hannah asked me again for that and I told her that she should have asked her dad for that instead of the DHS game. She admitted I was right then she stopped and said, “he didn’t ask me what I wanted, he just asked me what kind of game I wanted.” But of course! He just does what he feel is logical rather than asking for advise or other opinions. He’s always done that. Silly me! It’s a common ASD trait to do that unless trained other wise. It’s still irritating though. And sadly not just ASD but  lot of men in general just won’t ask their wives or ex’s for family advise. I think it’s because they don’t want to do any thing nice for them and if the wife or ex  suggests something for the kids the man feels it’s for the wife/ex as well so he just won’t do it. There are men out there that aren’t so selfish and self centered but they just seem to be few and far between. I will do my best to raise my boys to be kind to everyone. Sure my ex gets to me sometimes, obviously, but I am not out to get him or make him pay or take advantage of him. When and if he ever takes care of his kids in person I won’t do things or with hold things to make his life hard cause I know it will affect the kids and cause I’m just not like that. It’s not that hard to be nice, really!

It looks like the kids daddy is gonna settle in Wisconsin. He says he’s ok with the likely nine hour drive down here to see the kids. He wants to live there cause the state will pay for him to go to collage. I admit, that is a mighty good reason to make that choice.  I just wonder how long he will make that nine or so hour dive before he just can’t afford the gas to do it anymore and starts visiting less and less becoming that dead-beet-dad he said he would never be. I just loooove how he never asked me if I wanted to go to school. It’s all about what is best for him, not me, of course even though I have worked my butt off taking care of our children and it’s not about his kids, just what is good and best for him. Wow!

Having said this it may sound like I am very upset or depressed or something. Maybe I am. But at this moment I feel nothing, just numb. I am afraid to feel anything really. I’m putting up temporary shields for now.  I keep telling myself things could change so I should wait and see. Deep inside I don’t really believe that. Eventually the kids will get older and there will be some free time for me. People often say that you should enjoy ever minute with your kids cause they grow up so fast and then it’s to late. I believe they are right. I also believe that the kids daddy is stealing that from me by not doing his part and being involved with his kids. It is hard to enjoy your children when that is all you do and you can’t do anything else. There are people teaching girls about how to attract a guy. One of the things they say is guys don’t want a clingy girl, they want a girl with some independence. It makes sense cause guys and people like to have their space just as much as they want to spend time with their sweet heart and a clingy girl won’t give you room to breath. The principal applies to other relationships as well, even relationships with parents and children. It is also common knowledge that children need breaks from their parents and need to be with peers and to be alone. Apparently this concept doesn’t apply to single low income moms. Right! That is just not true cause we are people to and we can appreciate and enjoy our children much more when we still have a little independence. It just makes common sense. I would really like to look back when my kids are grown and say, “Aww, I miss those little buggers when they were young but I enjoy them now as well.” I don’t want to look back and say, “Ak! Run, the kids are coming!”

I want to add that I am fortunate to have Sabrina and Shirley here and as family to me. Not only do they help me with the kids they are a mental support and good reliable friends. I am also thankful that I am making friends here in Springfield. My neighbor Babara is a joy and helped time go by faster while standing in the pantry lines with her. My friend Lynn has started getting me out with out the kids usually from time to time. I’m afraid sometimes I talk their heads off cause it’s so nice to be with adults but they still love me. I am also making friend in the SWAN group, (Southwest Autism Support Network). Life is going mush better than it was in Michigan. I guess there is hope after all!

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Kyle Eating A Giant Marshmellow video

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Thoughts on my dads death.

I read a comment my mom made on one of her friends FB posts. It got me thinking.

First here is her friends post. I took out the names and places:

“You remember (name)? The mortician from (place) who buried (name), his brother. He visited Granny’s grave with y’all . anyway….he died this morning. Cancer, again won out. (Name) has a few days, the doctor said. The family has gathered around her.”

Here is my moms comment:

“ohhh….cancer never “WINS” over the Saints…but we all gotta go…unless we are here when Jesus returns…and if so…it’s gonna get mighty tuff around here….but the Saints will be what they should always be….loving each other & sharing everything with each other!”

Here are my thoughts in that regard:

My dad had dreams that we all took as being from the lord. When I think about the dreams they all had something to do with him not being good enough. That’s not the way it was said but that’s really what it all meant. It’s sad to realize he died thinking he didn’t do enough for Christ. And no one tried to argue with him, they went along with it.

Of course they weren’t from the “lord’ but I understand now they were likely from his own consciousness. Everyone saw him as a great guy and talented and stuff but he always saw himself as a failure. If our so called prophet of a leader back then was really a prophet he would have known this instead of going along with it. I mean really, now that I have my own brain it’s so obvious.

For my dad, cancer won, his disappointment in himself won, his fear of failure won. According to my mom he passed in utter terror. That is not a winning spirit, that is not a “saint” winning. My dad was a good man, he loved Jesus and dedicated his life to the ministry. From a Christian stand point, he believed Jesus was the only way to salvation, he was baptized, he believed in the gifts of the Holy spirit, he fed the poor and gave to the widows, he shared the gospel,  and so on. In that light, he was good enough. As a man in general, he had his faults but he meant well, he cared for people and he was loved and looked up to. Though he believed in the Lord Jesus Christ he didn’t believe in himself and that is what really mattered when he passed.

I’m not worried about him now. Where ever he may be I’m sure he has figured things out. Just cause cancer may have won in taking his life doesn’t mean one should give up. We’ve cured what was considered incurable things many times before and we have even legalized cures that were considered illegal before so there is still hope for those who are still with us. Until those issues are resolved though my hope is for people to achieve acceptance in them selves as well as belief and love. For many of us it’s the best we can do.

Well, that’s all I have to say about that… for now. Here’s some pics in his memory.

   The top pic was taken when we first moved aboard the Moonshadow in Oxnard Ca.  The bottom one is the Moonshadow in off of Avalon.

Random shots of my dad in Gloretta Bay, Ca.

My parents 25th anniversary in Coronado, Ca.

Me attacking my dad for some reason. lol

My folks at the laundry mat in Coronado, Ca.

My family posing at the Gloretta Bay Inn where the church we attended, Sonrise Christian Outreach, would meet when the conference rooms at the Hotel del Coronado were full.

My dad in his van.

My dad saw these kids at a fast food place and asked if he could take their picture. They said yes and went out side and posed for him.

My family at a wedding in San Diego.

My dad being silly.

My mom and dad and I after a collage play I was in.

My dad’s Marine pic.

My mom and dad.

My dad when he was a kid. His mom had him and his sisters in dance, acting, and singing classes so they could be movie stars. This is one of his head shots. He did his best to keep my sister and I out of the business. However, when it’s in your blood…

My family when I was born in Orange, Ca.

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Deepa Mehta’s Water – A Movie Review by Lori

Water

A beautiful, heart wrenching, hope building wonderful movie.

There is extras worth watching on the DVD. There was propaganda printed and riots and such trying to stop the filming.  It’s quite interesting.

Deepa Mehta was asked if she is a feminist and to that she explains that she doesn’t see herself as a feminist but as a humanitarian.  I love that!

The subject matter is very somber and difficult. In the “making of” scenes they explain that they used the beautiful scenery to help lighten the mood of the movie. The scenery is beautiful and amazing.  I love the musical scores as well.

Now I’m curious about the other Elemental movies Deepa made. !! I’m going to have to check those out.

                                                            Deepa Mehta

                                                     Lisa Ray plays Kalyani.

                                     John Abraham plays Narayan.

                                                Sarala Kariyawasam plays Chuyia.

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Little Miss Sunshine – A Movie Review by Lori

Loved it!

It started off quite melancholy. The characters were interesting though. As the movie progressed there were more and more humerus scenes and conversations. When the movie ended I noticed I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

A wonderful family relationship movie. Not necessarily for the family to watch, there is excessive use of the “F” word.

If you are the type that gets annoyed with how people dress up their little girls to look like adults with plastic surgery for pageants then you’ll love this movie!

The backside of the DVD I got from Netflix has some footage of the cut alternate ending. It was cute.

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The Green Lantern 2011- A movie review by Lori

Super fun and exciting! I loved it! It was good from beginning to end.

If you have little ones I recommend that you watch it before letting them see it because the two bad guys  are pretty freaky. I took all my kids and Matt with me to see it. When ever the big bad guy was on screen Kyle would hide his eyes, cover his ears and say “lalalala”…Thankfully both my little guys didn’t have nightmares from it but I was concerned they would.

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Kyle reporting on what to do in a disaster.

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My online dating sites stories.

Have you used any dating sites? Please share your story.

Here is mine:

MySpace

Michael

We hit it off real good cause we are both into film. He called often and it was nice to have someone to talk who seemed to care. He would often stop talking to me for long periods of time and his reason was depression. He lived in San Fran and I briefly entertained the thought of going there to see him and my aunts family. I admit, I needed a vacation and my not yet ex was good at agreeing but not delivering.  After a while Michael and I got to know each other good enough to see our differences and decided being friends was best rather than a relationship.

_______________________________

 

 FaceBook 

There was a free one on FaceBook that I looked into while I was living in Hawaii. I was awaiting my divorce to go through and still living with my ex. Sure, that wasn’t a good time to be looking but I’m one of those humans who loves to have companionship and life was getting very miserable. My ex would come home from work, eat, go out on the porch to smoke his pipe and chat with his girlfriend on line.

FaceBook dating site (I can’t remember the name of it.  It was free at the time but they charge now.)

 

 Graham

I met some nice guys on there. One from England named Graham became a good friend and we even talked on the phone sometimes. He was planning a vacation and entertained the thought of coming to Hawaii.  He also lived with his ex and had quite a crazy story.

 Fernando

Somewhere along the line I met Fernando in Australia. Things seemed real good. He was still having issues with his ex but who doesn’t.   We started making plans. He was going on vacation as it was so he planned to come to Hawaii and if things kept working out then the kids and I would move to Australia. It sounds crazy, I know, and actually it may have been but it wasn’t so crazy to me cause my ex and I had talked a lot about moving there any way in the past. When I brought it up to my ex he didn’t mind the idea and was considering moving there himself any way. Later when all this fell through he informed me he would have never let me go there with the kids. Fernando and I chatted every evening either on the computer or talked on the phone. Then he started talking less and less to me. Feeling rejected was very easy for me at that time so this was quite painful. Finally on Mothers Day we talked about it and he let me know he was seeing someone in his area and that was the end of our relationship. I was upset naturally and he did that typical man thing by letting me know there was no reason for me to be upset and it was silly and then he removed me from his FaceBook friends.

 Guy I went to the movies with.

I was chatting with another guy on FaceBook who I was not romantically interested in. He was nice but not my type.

He asked to take me to the movies one day and I said yes cause I needed to get out. So then he told me to meet him at a certain movie place that was clear across town.  I wasn’t used to the area and as usual I got lost.

 

I called him several times with no answer. Finally he answered and told me where to turn to find the place. Then he let me know he didn’t think I was coming so he went ahead and watched the movie already. It was the movie called He’s Not That Into You.

I arrived and found him by his car wearing a big beach hat like he said he would. He took the hat of and placed it in his car and then off to the movie ticket booth we went. There was some really great action movies playing but he thought they were too scary and really wanted to watch He’s Not That Into You again. So he got the tickets. We had about 45 minutes till the movie would start and since the theater was in a very nice strip mall with coffee shops and all, I suggested we walk around and chat till it was time but he was concerned we wouldn’t get any seats so we went in.

We passed the concession stand where there was no line and as we passed the ticket guy he stopped to chat for a moment. I learned he came to that theater quite often and everyone knew him by name. They also didn’t mind when he would bring in KFC and eat while watching the movies.

We found nice seats in the empty theater and visited while we waited for the movie to start. He told me all about his medical problems and what he did in the Navy and then more about his medical problems, mostly sinus and jaw stuff. I brought up a few other subjects that he didn’t find interesting, he would always find a way to bring the subject matter back to him and his medical issues.

 

I went to the concession stand and bought myself some nachos. When I came back two girls had seated in front of him and were talking with him. He introduced me. They worked at the Turtle Bay Resort where he also liked to hang out. One of the girls turned to me and asked me to tell him why he had trouble getting a date.  I immediately thought of many answers to that question but because I had just met him I didn’t feel right being so honest. I politely told them that we had just recreantly met. He gave me a disapproving look and whispered to me that I shouldn’t have told them that.

Eventually the movie started.  During the movie he responded to FaceBook posts on his phone and whispered stuff about the movie to me. 

Then it happened… it was the middle of the movie, he leaned over to me and whispered in my ear. He told me what was going to happened at the end of the movie.

By this time I had already found this date to be more and more humorous and that just added to it.

The movie ended and my date who had been chewing gum excessively walked me to my car. He asked me to go dancing with him at a go go club in Waikiki cause it was 80’s night and he loved 80’s night. Although the evening had progressively gotten funnier I was ready to go home so I declined the offer.

He then started telling me he couldn’t wait till I was officially divorced so we could get married. I thought the evening couldn’t get anymore ridiculous … but I was wrong.

I was trying to say goodbye when he put his finger over my lips to hush me and then leaned over to kiss me. He stopped and in my bewilderment I started to say goodbye again when he did the hush thing again and kissed me again.

Actually, it was more like this…

Surprisingly he was a good kisser which threw me off a bit. I sure didn’t expect that! The excessive fresh gum chewing started making more sense. It’s not a bad idea really.  But this time I reacted much quicker cause I really didn’t like being hushed and I really wanted to leave and as much as kissing is wonderful, he was just really annoying to hang out with. 

On the way home he texted me about going out again. I am normally a very nice polite person. But even very nice polite people have their moments especially when it is just irresistible. I pulled over and quickly texted him back, “I’m sorry. I’m just not that into you.”

Really, he wasn’t evil and I would have been happy to stay his friend and maybe even give him some dating tips which he desperately needed but by the time I got home he had removed me from his FB friends list.

 

________________________________________

Match.com

I decided to give it a pay try for one month. I had moved to Kalamazoo and really wanted to have a special someone. I had figured out I was the type of person who was happier with a guy to love and love me back.

Ted

In that months’ time I met Ted. He talked me into meeting him at McDonalds and give him a chance. He was real nice and we ended up dating for a while. My mom and step dad came to see me and met Ted as well. They really liked him.  Ted’s teen son seemed to like me and his teen daughter seemed ok with me, his adult daughter was very upset that he was seeing anyone but her mom. The son and adult daughter lived with him as well as his niece that he took care of.  Though I knew Ted and I were not really a good match, I enjoyed having a friend and a boyfriend.

Kyle loves being around guys so he found Ted very exciting besides Ted would tickle him. Levi was ok with him. The girls were board and didn’t like going to his house cause they didn’t have stuff to do. He promised to have bonfires but it never worked out. The kids did have a blast helping him burn tree debris which I guess is like a bonfire.

I was still not healed from the pain and rejection I went through during my marriage separation and divorce and if I hadn’t been in the middle of reading The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler when Ted decided to not see or communicate with me for about two weeks,  it would have crushed me and I would have cried every day. The book was helping me build a back bone. It didn’t feel good but I was getting through it and when you give me two weeks to myself I have time to think. I thought about all the reasons why Ted and I shouldn’t be together that is. By the time he contacted me and wanted to see me again as if nothing had ever happened I was ready to break up with him. I still hate to hurt anyone so I gave him the “it would be best for both of us” speech which he temporarily bought into. Later when I started seeing Frank he decided he wanted me back.

______________________________________________

Plenty of Fish

I moved to Springfield and decided to see what POF was like.

David

I met David. We had a lot of the same interest like music and photography and he seemed to be the adventurous type. He had his own DJ business at one time.  We chatted for some time when he finally decided to call. The calling didn’t last long cause he reverted to texting. It was either texting or chatting on line. I prefer to have a guy ask me out than for me to ask the guy out. To me it shows he has some guts and I like guts. I finally gave in and asked him if he was ever gonna ask me out or if we were just gonna text forever. He let me know he was shy and continued to send text. I informed him that when you refuse to ask a girl out it sends a message to the girl that you aren’t really that interested in her and just stringing her along and it hurts her feelings. Eventually he asked me out, if that actually counts.  We started seeing each other. He had a habit of going to his folk’s house on Sunday to do his laundry and watch the car races. I figured after he got to know me better he would take me along and introduce me but that just wasn’t happening. I also learned that though he liked all music he preferred country. I can only handle so much country western music. I also learned that although he liked to storm chase with his son he was too scared to do pretty much anything else.  He was quite content to sit on the couch and watch TV. He didn’t mind Kyle climbing on his lap but that was all he would have to do with my kids. There was no attempt for any interaction with them.

David’s mom had emergency surgery. I got a call from him after he got to their home. He asked his best friend for a ride. She and I had already met and got along great. I was disappointed he didn’t ask me to take him there. It just showed me he was still more comfortable with his best friend than his girl friend and I got over it. He was at his folks to be by his mom’s side for over a week I believe. I understood that he needed time there and it was very scary cause they didn’t know if she was going to make it. He hardly ever called to let me know how things were though his best freind and FaceBook friends were all updated. Again, this time away with hardly any communication gave me time to think. I realized that though we had things to talk about in common when it came to living, we didn’t have much in common. I realized that people who chase tornadoes are not the same as people who ride ‘em.  I later found out that I am related to Pecos Bill. Lol

He came back and eventually contacted me. I expressed my frustrations and he was annoyed and that was the end of that very short relationship.

I think he is a very nice guy and will make someone who is okay with being a homebody very happy.

Tony

By this time I have figured out first hand that Match.com and POF do not really match people very well and I was annoyed with the dating sites. I was gonna give up on them altogether.

Out of curiosity I looked at a note sent to me by Tony and responded. We hooked up on FB and got to know each other better on there. He’s a So. Cal guy that transplanted when he and his family visited his wife’s folks in Missouri and she refused to leave. His older two kids had grown and his son was in his late teens when his wife decided she was sick of him and wanted to divorce.  They separated but stayed married because she needed his health insurance for her medical issues.

By the time I met Tony I wasn’t excited about marrying anyone. I decided I wouldn’t mind finding a partner but marriage would either not happen or would have to wait. Tony was on the same wave length in that area along with many other things. Our first date was with the kids, he took us all to see some lakes and hang out.

Tony’s ex was very annoyed that he was dating and his two older kids were ticked at him as well. I never met his daughter. I got along fine with his teen son.

Tony was a lot of fun and attentive for a while. We went to the lakes that first time and took a walk along a stream another time and later we went fishing. He would sometimes put a movie on for the kids or let them use his computer. That was about the extent of interaction he had with them.

He met my mom who waited to get him without me and then say really bad things about Mexicans, call me a whore and try to attack his parenting skills. Apparently she was thinking he would never come back and I would cry on her shoulder.  He did leave so he wouldn’t go off on her but he also called me and told me what happened and let me know he was ok. Her excuse was that he was still married which meant I was being an adulterous and a whore. Ted was also separated waiting for his divorces to go through when I was dating him but when she learned we broke up she was upset with me.  The real problem for her with Tony was that he is half Mexican.  Most of my life my mom was not raciest. It is sad to see her like this. I knew she had become raciest against African Americans but I didn’t realize it was other nationalities as well. Tony survived my mom’s attack. There were other difficulties but we somehow got through all of them.  There were other things I could complain about, after all he is a guy and guys do a lot of stuff alike. I’m sure he could say the same of me being a girl and acting like one too.

Then I got the text, the one telling me how he F’s everything up in his life. Then the one about how he has raised his kids and is having trouble with the idea of raising anymore. And then some more “I’m breaking up with you ones”.  And that was it for a while until I got the “why aren’t you talking to me” ones. I reminded him he broke up with me and he said he didn’t really do that and wanted to get back together. I told him I needed time and he gave me a little time then he started in on the “if you really loved me” messages and it annoyed me but worked. So we took the kids to the lake to fish and had a nice time and then I didn’t see or hear from him for a while. Then he sent me a message saying his dad was retiring and wanted him to come back to California and take over his business. I told him I was happy for him cause I knew he missed So. Cal and I told him I would miss him and he stopped talking to me. I reminded him of his messages saying, “If you really every loved me…” and he said I was right but he didn’t want to hurt me any more than he already had and so on. I let him know that I wanted to stay in touch and that maybe it was himself he was trying not to hurt any further.  And the non communication continued except for an occasional very short note. He has moved back to Cali and I do hope the best for him.

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I have been very busy lately with the kids and keeping busy is a great way to keep from missing someone. I go up and down with wither or not I miss him.  I have come a long way the last couple of years. I’ve gone from believing I needed to have a man in my life to realizing I am fine without one but preferred to have one to where I am now. Where am I now? At times I miss not having someone, other times I feel it is nice to not have the stress of having to please yet another person. I really want to be a globe trotter one day and I am concerned that hooking up with a partner would interfere with that so waiting may be better. I read Eat Pray Love and really identified with the author. I love that she had the freedom to travel without inhibitions. The book was like a daily devotion to me for a while there.

Then there is the matter of the kids. After Tony had broke up with me the first time, his reason really hit home. How could I ever expect a guy to love me and my children? Asking someone to take on four young kids was big enough, but three of my kids have special needs making it an even bigger deal. Even Tony didn’t show any interest in learning about Autism which will be a requirement if I should get in a relationship again. Another concern is if the guy does take an interest in my kids is he just a really great unusual guy or a pedophile? I’m at the point where looking to get in a relationship just isn’t likely gonna work out and I’m mostly ok with that.

The biggest most positive changes in me came through learning to love and accept myself. And that is what really matters. If I find “Mr. Right” then cool, if not, then that’s cool too. I have a mental bucket list and I will do all the adventures in it as well as add to it whenever I learn of another really cool thing to try, with or without a guy.

The pics are of me sky diving about three years ago. I had wanted to so that for a long time. I had some guy friends who talked about going sky diving together. When I mentioned I wanted to go to they let me know that they should go first.  I though that was rude. Then Shirley called me and told me she was getting a sky diving ticket for her grandson as a present for his graduation but he didn’t want to go alone and she wondered if I wanted to go with him. !!!! Sky diving was awesome and the beauty of Hawaii just added to it. To the best of my knowledge, none of those guys have gone sky diving yet. lol

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So, that is my on-line dating stories. Please add yours to the comments area or put the link to your story on here. I’d love to hear from you!

 

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Poem

Negativity was in my face
I entertained it
with no disgrace
I played with anger
I danced with hate
and when I was done
I found my place
right back in peace
right back in love
I’m better for it
I’ve climbed above.

By Lori Revels

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You’re A Black Hole

When I am upset I write. I do it to release tension. I also hate to see a waste of pinned up energy. Emotions wither upset or excited are a great source for me to use when writing. When I am writing I know I may not feel the same way when I have cooled off which is why I try to catch myself in the mist of my extreme feelings and jot down what ever comes out of my mind and onto paper or computer.

This time is no different. In my mind I can hear the lyrics like an M&M type rap. He has that angry hurt tone which fits this song perfectly. If you aren’t familiar with the way he raps you may not read the lyrics right and it will likely sound very odd.

I wrote most of this earlier today and sinse then have cooled off. I still see the issues and know they are important but the red glow in my head is turning back into blue. I actually wrote a poem that I will post after this one.

Some will not understand my lyrics but those who are or have been in my shoes will relate and to you I give a big virtual hug and say, don’t give up.

You’re A Black Hole

You’re just a black hole
in the earth
taking up space
good for nothing
a disgrace
I wish you’d die
and leave you kids
lots of money
than I could buy
them the things
they need
A house, food
a decent place to sleep
I’m sick of bein a begger
standin in the pantry lines
the school given us vouchers
for shoes and clothes
and toilet paper
Just cause you’re to cheep
to take care of your
sons and your daughters
When we divorced
apparently you divorced them too
When you visit them
if I ask you about money
you punish them
when you punish me
by leavin them early.
I wasn’t the one
who used to give away
all our money
You were out to sea
you’d send a note
or call my cel phone
you wouldn’t ask
how things were
If we were getting by
you’d just tell me outright
to buy something
for the pastor
or write him a check
You didn’t care that
your kids clothes
were old
that their shoes
were faded
and their socks
had holes
Then you came home
you didn’t talk to me
for two months
you finally told me why
it was cause I didn’t
have money in the
savings account
That whole time
you were away
My neighbors pitched in
to help us
and save the day
I didn’t buy
nothing for me
we didn’t pay
for pony rides
or large screen TV”s
I only had a few pairs
of beat up shoes,
a old purse
and diaper bag
that was well used
So, we left you,
you wanted joint custody
but you whine and complain
about the child support
You have more than us
You don’t pay rent
You don’t have electric bills
and your food is free
but giving us a cent more than that
makes you feel used
and for that you resent
I can’t get a job
cause our kids
have this thing
they call special needs
I want to work
for me it’s a break
I have to suck it up
my babies come first
I’m sick of your empty
life takin up space
causin your family disgrace
You’re a black hole
You suck up life
and you don’t give back
You’re a wasted space
in this universe

You got rid of the dog
you hurt the cat
you killed the bird
what the heck is that?

Any dad who thinks
he is misused
just because
he is required to pay
child support
is a child abuser
and should be treated
as such

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