Archive for July, 2011

I’ve had my kids diagnosed but it was done in an interview manor. We started more extensive testing in Hawaii but moved before finishing. Both the doctor and the one who diagnosed them here agreed that Hannah and Levi have ASD. Now we are going through the extensive testing for an even further diagnoses. Just got Hannah’s done today and the results are…

She is in the 90- percentile range of Aspergers. She’s the second most extreme aspergers person that the testing Dr. has ever seen.

For those worried about “labels”, it is so important to know what you are dealing with so you can do so properly and effectively. Once you understand the person and the way they think you can change one label to another. For instance – Disability to Ability.

The doctor advised I continue to encourage Hannah in her passion which happened to be Manga rather than trying to find other interests for her for now. I may be able to help her find other interest in a few years but for now Hannah isn’t open to it and it will just agitate her and push her away.

I can’t help but remember what Prophet/Elder Howard Turner leader of United Fellowship House of Praise which started in San Diego then moved together to Camden, Arkansas said. He spoke over Hannah in private and in front of the whole church many times that she was demon possessed. When we were in that church she was just born to age 7. Good thing the New Testament was written cause the Old Testament says in Deuteronomy 18:20, ” But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die.”

For those who believe god will avenge or Karma and stuff like that, Elder Turner has physically suffered terribly including having toes amputate and having a stroke and so on and so much more. I believe he is currently on a kidney machine. None of that brings me joy, I’m just stating the facts. Sadly he hasn’t learned his lessons in life. He preached for many years that a stroke was a whoppin from the lord yet when he was asked about his own stroke he rebuked the person asking him and told him the lord showed him it wasn’t the same with him. I believe he said something about it being because of his bad eating habits. Sadly there are folks who can get plates full of their own medicine and still not admit the truth and allow it to make them a better person. It seems con-men are difficult to rehabilitate.

Another thing that comes to mind is the folks who have let  me know or strongly hinted that if I gave my kids more whopping/spankings/beatings/what ever you wanna call it,  then all their behavioral issues would magically be solved. Ok, they didn’t use the word magically. But that is the indication. I mean after all I was whooped as a kid by a mom that could have given whipping lessons. You know, I think she actually did at times. And yes, for the most part it worked for me. I really didn’t care for pain so I made sure to not do what ever it was again. However, there is the matter of my sister. She often got whoppins by my mom and her school principal several days in a row…or more for the same dang thing. I don’t think she was the problem, the adults were for cryin out loud. How hard was it to realize if your hitting a kid for the same thing day after day that maybe just maybe whoppins aren’t the thing to do after all. And shouldn’t it be common knowledge by now that what works for you may not actually work for everyone in the world?  Sadly, many people still don’t understand that simple fact.

While I am on that subject… The Turners of UFHOP (the church I mentioned before) were all about beating children. Elder Turners wife also known as First Lady Marcia Turner found great joy in beating children. She even taught us to do it with a smile and to enjoy it though I could never master that and was often criticism by her not whooping my kids hard enough along with many other criticisms. She would often “take over” the punishment and show me and others how to properly whoop, more like beat, a child. Not just mine kids though but other kids in the church as well. Her method was to swing with the paddle up high and hit as hard as you can for a long  time non stop. I believe the proper term for that is child abuse.

So, why did we put up with this for as long as we did? The easy answer would be to tell you to study cults and then you would likely understand. The most important thing to me in the whole wide world was to please the Lord Jesus Christ. My mom was cult pron and we were raised in a very cult like setting so being in one was natural to us. Elder Turner was good at what he did. Con-men usually are or they wouldn’t be called con-men. Days go by, years go by and you don’t realize how brain washed you have become. I am lucky to have certain events cause my eyes to fly wide open. It was horribly difficult and the regrets were raining down on me like a rain storm but I welcomed it. I hate making the same mistake twice, especially one that big and long, I had to go through every bit the regrets had to offer. After that I had to make up my mind to become bitter or better, and better was my choice.


Waking up to my “cult” life as hard as it was is worth every pain it caused me. One being I would have never divorced my husband because I was under their rule and it didn’t matter that I wasn’t allowed to have a life and a personality of my own. Actually they preferred it that way and made sure that any ideas I had of my own and any hint of my own personality was mentally strangled out of me. My then husband doesn’t like to be disagreed with, he called it arguing, and would cut me off and walk away then never allow that subject to come up again. I learned to not bring up certain subjects. It wasn’t hard cause my folks taught me that way of life as well.  At the time staying in my marriage meant I could not be my own person.

During the separation time I had my girls see a councilor. Living in the same house as my soon to be ex was getting more and more difficult. I was falling into depression very rapidly. Naturally realizing I had been in a cult for twenty years added to it. I was raised that “saved” people don’t get depressed and also that depression meds opened the door to demonic oppression and even obsession.  Going to a shrink was a huge no no. If you needed counseling you went to the pastor or one of the elders or mothers in the church. But everything I knew was up for question and I had gone from crying every night to every day as well. I didn’t want to put my friend through that so I told the doctor what was going on and got on meds and made an appointment to see a shrink. Thankfully the meds worked their wonder right away.

And so it was that I went to the psychologist and told her about my life. She told me it sounded like my husband has aspergers. She told me about  how Bill Gates has aspergers and goes through social training to improve himself.  Later while visiting my daughters councilor she also mentioned that my husband likely has aspergers with out knowing about what the psychologist had said.   That got the gears turning in my head and I began to research aspergers. Sure enough it was like reading all about my husband, but not just him, Hannah and Levi were very much like what I was learning about. That was the beginning of my understanding of ASD and my children. I have told it before and will say it again. When I was challenged about telling my daughter she had aspergers, I asked her about it. She told me that before she knew she wondered what was wrong with her but now that she knows she feels much better.

Although it was hard to see her go through being bullied and losing friends as fast as she made them it was wonderful to see her develop ways to cope and last year with the help of her school council and vice principal gain self confidence.  Her social skills are still very lacking but the doctor who just did the extensive testing said to let her be in that area for now because she has no interest in it. Hopefully in a few years she will develop a need to understand that she needs social skills to not only make friends but get and keep jobs as well.

After learning about aspergers and the divorce I was asked by a few people if I would have still divorced if I had understood that my husband likely has aspergers a while back.  At the time it was all to fresh and I couldn’t answer the question because I really didn’t know.  Now that a few years have gone by and I have learned to accept my hurt and be free to be angry I have been able to let things go and forgive and make my self a better person for it all. So now, I think it would have possibly saved my marriage if I had known. There are resources for people who are married to asd folks that help a lot. In the long run though it would still depend on wither or not he would be willing to better himself as well. We did go through marriage counseling and he made it clear he was not willing to change but would wait for me to come around. Would my being trained how to work with ASD people have helped me help him? I have no idea. As it is, I am happy to be out and away from that life and though I do not wish to live with my ex I do respect him and understand him better than I did before and wish him the best. My concern is for him to encourage his kids in bettering themselves so they can have a brighter future and for him to understand they need him around and that they are more important than money and paying bills.


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Regarding the video – The Empty Cross: Why Jesus Didn’t Exist

Fund at:


Some of the things mentioned in here I figured out and have been saying.

Some folks think I left the Christian faith out of hurt or rebellion or that I was never really saved but just going through the motions. All those things are far far from the truth.

While I was hurt by religious people and I did go through a period of time where I stopped all my spiritual beliefs, I only did so in order to figure out what made sense and what didn’t. In time I have brought back the things that make sense and have altered the things that were tilted and got rid of what just doesn’t add up no matter what. I am not done doing this and never will be because there will always be new things to learn and  understand.

I am not by nature a rebellious person. It just doesn’t feel right to me and makes me uncomfortable so I don’t do it. Rebellion to me is like letting other people control me even though it is an opposite reaction it is still a reaction.

As far as just going through the motions, nice try! Sorry, but that is terribly untrue. I was a true follower of Jesus Christ to the best of my ability which is all one can do. When I prayed, which was often, and when I fasted and when I went to church for hours on end and when I did missionary work, and when I traveled across the US to be in church conferences not seeing the sights but being in prayer and in the conference and house before and after being trained in the way of the scriptures, I DID IT WITH MY WHOLE HEART  SOUL AND MIND. I wanted nothing more than to please the Lord Jesus Christ. I witnessed to people because it broke my heart to think anyone would ever burn for eternity in hell. I did it for love, true unconditional love. I avoided good suitors because praying brothers and sisters heard from God that this or that person was a trap from the enemy and it would be detrimental to my soul and so on.  It broke my heart but I got through it because my ultimate goal was to live and die for Jesus. I was 100% real.

I would have never told anyone all this like I have now because I felt I had a long long way to go to be what God wanted me to be and humility was most important. I tell you now cause I push aside humility to speak the truth, the plain honest truth. Just like rebellion, I am also uncomfortable with lying. I figure the truth will come out eventually. I’d rather stand up for my truth now than defend a lie later and look like a fool.

Did Jesus disappoint me? Well, if I still believed in him I would have to say a big giant yes. After all I gave my life to him completely and he never bothered to tell me I was on a cult for twenty years.

Am I disappointed in my parents, old friends, church leaders…? I was. Not so much now though. I recognize peoples need to believe in something. Many have an inability to learn something other than along the line of their set idea without it causing them great turmoil that they may never recover from.

There seems to be less people who can continually learn and change than those who find satisfaction in their belief and life and plant themselves with no option to find better soil. I’m not  saying it is wrong to do that. It’s obviously normal so I guess I could say it’s natural. But it is wrong for them to ridicule and assert their ideas on those of us who are born to seek out and find better pasture through out our lives. We are born this way as well, and there is nothing wrong with it. Just like traditions are  a security to the norm, seeking knowledge, which is not actually an evil fruit, is our security.

                                                  Pic found in google pictures area.

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Find the blue

I’m looking for my inner cocoon

A place of warmth and blue

A spec I can attain

Somewhere in my inner brain

I know I’ll get there some day

Not too far away

Feel like I’ve been there before

A déjà vu feeling inside me

I’m not worried

I’m not stressed

Like I can be for other things

My blue cocoon is waiting for me

Maybe I am already there

I just have to look up through the junk

and see the place I was born to be

my blue cocoon

my inner god

my place of bliss

my strength

my peace

what keeps me going

my blue cocoon

Pic I took in Hawaii.

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