Archive for October, 2013

Last night I dreamed of several folks from my past. Two of which passed away a while ago.

One was Doug Young. I wish I could remember everything but all that comes back to my mind was something to do with him fixing stuff and he was very cheerful.

youngs(Doug and family)

I also dreamed of the Turners, my old church leaders from UFHOP who I consider cult leaders. I don’t remember the details of the dream but I do recall that in it they were “back” and they were starting up a service and ushering everyone inside the room where the service was being held, except me. They knew I wouldn’t be a part of it and they were right.

ufhop turners(Old photo of members and leader (Elder Howard Turner) of United Fellowship House of Praise)

The last part of the dream my mom and dad were in. My dad is the other person who passed away a while back. I don’t recall anymore then that they were in the end part of the dream and it left me with a positive feeling.

Bob and Joan - Copy(My mom and dad, Bob and Joan.)

When I dream of the Turners I label the dream a nightmare. I could handle night paralysis better then dreaming of them. To me they were the real nightmare. However, this time it didn’t bother me. I didn’t exactly enjoy it and in the dream I wasn’t too happy about all the people they still had fooled and were under their influence but I also didn’t let it get to me. Upon waking it didn’t haunt my mind like dreaming of them usually does.

The Turners 001(The Turners at the HDC where I used to work.)

Up until recently they were the only people I refused to forgive. In all scary honesty, I felt the only way I would feel relieved of them was to stab them in the heart and watch the life drain from their eyes. I would never actually do that but it was the only way my mind wanted to virtually deal with them. I’ve never felt that way about anyone else I know in my life, just them. I understand that not forgiving is like shackling ones self to the person you don’t forgive. But, I just couldn’t handle the idea of letting them get away with taking away the majority of my life.  I was under their command from the age of 19 to 38. That’s all of my twenties and most of my thirties and I could never get those years back.

79349-34-e1379909642611(Some folks will “get” this pic.)

I’ve been reading The Secret and about a week or so ago something in there clicked and made me face the fact that I need to let my resentment toward the Turners go. I mean, I already knew that at the front of my head but I hadn’t let the knowledge sink in and be acted on. I often psychoanalyze myself, it’s kind of a habit. So, looking inside I would have to say it’s likely I felt they need to be punished and as many bad things that have happened to them they haven’t changed, they keep going along the same psychopathic path and somehow fooling people as they go. But then again, that’s what psychopaths do. Oh, they’ve “repented” for stuff and pointed out their wrong doing as long as it was for their benefit in the long run. But, if you keep listening and become a fly on the wall you will eventually hear them explain why what they repented for wasn’t actually wrong but that they needed to repent out loud so certain people wouldn’t leave the church cause their souls were at stake. Oh my goodness! I’ve heard them say this type of things so very many times.

When looking through the first half of The Secret for what ever it was I read about forgiveness that found a way through my brain I couldn’t find it. But as I was skip reading I did find the chapter that focused on the extreme positive emotion called Love. I think that actually was what got through to me. I do remember thinking, “I’m not ready to love them, but it’s about time I forgive and let it go.” I wasn’t sure exactly how effective that thought was but it seems from my dream last night that it was indeed effective after all. In the dream I was a little disappointed that friends were still being fooled by them but not enough to ruin my emotions and qualify as a nightmare. I saw it for what it was and moved on. And really, I am very grateful it’s not me that’s included in the group of fools. I’m thankful I didn’t feel the need to fit in and join them and not feel left out, obligated, or afraid. I’ve come to far, suffered to much and gained too much wisdom to back peddle. And that’s a good thing!

Our sleeping dream world is a place without limits for us to work out ideas and issues as well as sort through things. It’s also a place where we can take our virtual temperature and find out how we really are doing. In all it’s strange surrealness it can show us reality. Last night, my temp was pretty good! 

winter_dreaming(Josephine Wall’s Winter Dreaming)  

I may have bothered some with my extreme honesty about how I used to feel about the Turners. In my opinion, how can I expect to help others if I am afraid of what people will think of me and hide dirty little details in order to make others think I’m this awesome perfect non-human person. No thank you! I prefer to remain real, honest and an open book.  Just like one must love and forgive others to be free and move on, one must also love and forgive ones self in order to be free and move on as well.

Today is the day before Halloween and soon it will be Samhain. For many pagans this is the time the veil between dimensions is thinnest and one can communicate with loved ones who have passed on. Some don’t feel the need to communicate but to just remember and appreciate loved ones who have died.  As I was writing this and looking through old pictures I found one with the old church group and in it was my dad, Doug and Diane, all friends who have passed on some time back. They’re loved ones i am happy to have known and happy to remember and appreciate.  I understand many of my atheist friends think it’s silly and annoying to think that loved ones who have passed away may be watching over us and helping us, but the odd thing is, the Christian faith i was raised in felt the same way. Except instead of believing they ceased to exist we were taught they went on to either heaven or hell and  that’s it. Any watching over us was done by Jesus or the angels or if something was wrong then demons.  It seems when people become radical they often end up in the same boat. I am happy to have room in my brain to believe it is possible that loved ones who have passed on may possibly be able to assist us who are considered living.  Wither it’s true or not, it’s not a sin, it’s a comforting thought and for some it’s gets them by day by day.

If you’re interested in learning more about the truth behind Samhian besides not reading about it from Christian sources cause they are often full of propaganda I suggest you check out this simple link – http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/samhainoctober31/p/Samhain_History.htm.

67056_570320059683613_589377180_n(I don’t know who wrote this Samhain prayer but i thought it was lovely. I found it on Facebook.)


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Yesterday Preston picked up the girls after they got home from school to take them shopping for some necessary items in Wausau. Well, it was Kara I had asked him to take shopping but Hannah decided to go along as well.



Normally he picks up the boys on Friday night. He had been getting them around six which I couldn’t understand since he has no classes on Friday and they have an early bed time and it’s important for my youngest to keep that bed time in order to help control his “moods”. Thankfully the last Friday he was a little earlier on picking them up.



Of course last night was an exception because of taking the girls shopping. When he brought them home the girls were in a most lovely mood and Hannah told me she actually had a good time with dad. I was happy to hear that. I don’t believe it was just because he bought them things and took them to the oriental buffet near the old mall. (That one, btw, is very good!) It’s been a while but he’s taken them shopping and to dinner before  but it seems this time he was able to talk and relate to them which made the big difference. I believe their getting older and more mature is what has really helped. Still, it was good to know.



Kara was pleased to be sporting some really cool new boots as well as the items she needed. Hannah got a few new pants, thankfully, and the big surprise was that she actually got a winter jacket. She seemed very comfortable in it too. Who knows, maybe she will let go of the tattered jacket liner she insists on bringing almost everywhere with her. I’m not getting my hope up just yet, but, could this new jacket be the one?!



Things like this, the tattered jacket, that is, have really helped me get over caring about what others think of me. I think most of us parents with kids in the spectrum can say that. For instance her tattered jacket often makes teachers think I never do laundry and have never washed her jacket. When she was younger she used to relate family stories and conversations from her view point and often her idea of what certain words meant were not what others felt they meant. Sometimes I would defend myself and explain and other times I just let it go and block my mind from it’s normal people pleasing way. I recall one time when Hannah was in grade school in Hawaii I got a call from my new friend. We had been car pooling the kids to school. My new friend informed me that she wasn’t sure that she could be my friend anymore cause of something Hannah said. I already was aware that Hannah had an unusual way of relating things to people so I asked her what it was she had told her. Hannah had told her basically that we didn’t celebrate Christmas because of our religion and for Thanksgiving I made sour turkey. I learned later that my new friends mom (who would later also become a very good and dear friend) had a very abusive childhood and her folks had often used Christians to play mean mind games on her so the holidays, like Christmas, were very important in a kind of sacred way to them. As for me back then, I was on the precipice of leaving the cult I had been in for many years but hadn’t quite “woke up” just yet. We were not allowed to celebrate the holidays except Thanksgiving and we couldn’t celebrate birthdays as well. Strangely, anniversaries and mothers and fathers day were ok to enjoy. What it really came down to was what the church leader was into celebrating. To make it even worse, back then Preston really didn’t like celebrating the holidays or any other thing that even the church leader was ok with so we really only had Thanksgiving.



However, I mostly felt I should leave others alone about the holidays and their traditions. I say mostly because I usually had materials around about how the holidays like Christmas originated from pagan practices which at the time I had been taught was evil and demonic. Later I learned that many Christian authors, speakers and material writers often have no conscious about blatantly lying. Sill, I could hear the stress in my new friends voice and I had no intentions of taking Christmas away from her. I explained that we didn’t celebrate Christmas but that I didn’t have problems with other people celebrating it.

christmas fail



About the “sour” turkey… Way back when, well, when the church I was in was based in my home state, California, the church leader, Elder Turner, would set up church conferences in Louisianan and Mississippi and we would all drive or fly out there for the week long church conferences. They were actually really long three times a day and late into the night and morning church services. One such conference was scheduled the day after Thanksgiving so some others and I flew out Thanksgiving day. When we got there we all met up at a families home who was making dinner for all of us. The family was black Creole. The lady was still preparing the turkey and went ahead and taught me how to make a Creole turkey. It was awesome tasting and most Thanksgivings after that I prepared a Creole turkey that was always a big success. However, to my darling little girl, Hannah, she interpreted the taste as “sour”.




I would say though that our first Thanksgiving in Hawaii was a tad sour. We were living in an old Navy housing run down triplex. I like to cook my turkey high for an hour then low over night so it’s really tender. I still don’t know if that oven had a timer in it or there was just something wrong with it but it turned it’s self off sometime after we went to sleep. I’ve never had an oven do that to me before or sense. I still get up all night and check just in case though, that was an uncool experience. Thankfully the next year the Navy decided to tear down the rotting buildings and move us into really nice brand new townhouse units, with an oven that didn’t turn it’s self off. And, thankfully we got out of that cult and I have had fun celebrating holidays of all kinds ever since with my children. And thankfully my new friend understood and we are family to this day.



Back to last night. Preston dropped the girls off and took the boys to his place for the night. In the morning apparently I have a habit of trying to make sense of things and remember what it is I have to do for that day and so on. Though it would be better in most cases for me to wait till my brain actually wakes up I still feel the need to do that just in case there is something that needs to be done early. I’ve not only moved a lot but when I was in “that church” I traveled a lot and stayed in hotels and homes  and it’s likely due to all that that sometimes I don’t know where I am when I wake up. So this morning when I work up it took me a while to figure out who was home and who wasn’t and what room whoever was home was in and who crawled in bed with me. Sometimes I call the boys and the girls or the silence reminds me they are not there. When I finally straightened out the memory of my boys being at dads I figured it must be Hannah who was in my bed still sound asleep. But it wasn’t, it was Kara. I made it very clear to my kids that anything I agree to while almost asleep or asleep just doesn’t count and to not even try that on me. I never thought I would be the kind but I am, I’m the kind that will agree to just about anything when I’m mostly asleep. So far, other then talking me into letting them sleep with me they have been very good about it. But now that it’s in my memory right now I probably should reestablish that law.



Sometimes things like this make me wonder how it was for my mom when I was little and did I pull stuff on her and so on. I remember when my sister and I were little and my dad was working late we would crawl in bed with my mom and lay on each side of her and wait for her to almost go to sleep. Then we’d beg her to tell us a story. My mom loves to tell stories and can not pass up any opportunity to do so. At that time she wasn’t anti-fairy tale so she would ask what we wanted to hear and we would say something like Little Red Ridding Hood or The Three Little Bears or something knowing full well that the story was going to come out quite different. She would start off with let’s say Little Red Riding Hood but as she went on she would start mixing the other fairy tales into it. We would try our hardest to hold still and muffle our giggles in the covers. She’d hear us and whine about us “doing that” to her so we would calm ourselves and then try to get just a little more out of her. It was just too funny. Poor mom! If it were now days we could have filmed her and YouTubed it and likely got a lot of hits. That would have been soooo fun!

197030_10150125024779834_2000353_nMy mom, sister and me (the youngest one).


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Tuesday 10/22/13

It seems the more positive I try to be the more negativity I unearth.

I knew I was too negative inside, but this is a bit ridicules. How does one be truthful and honest yet still be positive and speak things into existence, so to speak. “Hi! I’m broke and don’t have enough money to get through the month.” No! That’s putting doubt and negativity out there. “Hi! I have all the money I need to get through the month… by faith!”  Hum, one is negative but true while the other is a sentence of positive faith or attraction but a lie at the present moment. “Hi! I’d like to sign up for help from the food pantry even though I’m filthy rich!” I don’t see how that would go over very well. How do you ask for help when you’re not allowing your self to put negative words out into the universe or as some would say, when you are not uttering words of doubt that God can take care of you. “Hi! I need to sign up for such and such help because I am still expecting my fortune to come in.” Hum, that might actually work! Lol

What you FEEL NOW, IS what you're going to ATTACT!

I went to the grocery store yesterday to get milk and a few other things. I knew my food share card was almost used up since $80 doesn’t go very far. I had a little over ten bucks left on it. I’d been mentally trying to prepare myself for the cut that takes effect next month which means our food share will be lowered to $40 for the five of us. The food share I had left took care of about half the bill so I pulled out my child support card but it was empty. No problem, I had a little left in my bank account. Nope! So I went to the ATM and found I had about $90 left on the SS card. Pulled out $80 and then went to the bank to find out why I was over drawn. I figured it was a miscalculation on my part.

The beginning of the month had been a bit crazy with the child support and food stamps not coming in on time cause we moved counties. They felt they needed to hold onto the money till they felt like pushing the paper work through causing me to be late on a bunch of bills, several of which were auto payments drawn from my bank. The money I pulled out was just able to cover the over drawn amount and the amount for the groceries I needed, thankfully.

For those who think one can get rich off the “system” they have a ceiling that they don’t allow you to go over. So if one is increased the other is decreased. At least that’s how it is in Wisconsin and Michigan. Apparently there are ways to fool the system but I am not educated in those ways and I wouldn’t want to risk the consequences if I was. For people who are and get caught instead of fining them they should put them in government jobs cause they are so cleaver. Lol


Back to yesterday… The problem is, it’s was the 21st, meaning I had a week and a half left to get by on about $20. I still needed gas to get around, food, laundry mat money (takes about $20 or more to do that.) and so on. But, I needed to stay positive. There was nothing I could do about it at the time so no need to dwell on it.

This morning my alarm went off like it does every school morning. I do have a rather positive disposition in the morning. I’m all cuddled up in my warm cuddly blanket on my pillows and I have this sense of thankfulness and gratitude toward the fact that I have a snooze alarm. I mean, I really like my snooze alarm! When I’m asleep through out the night I don’t think about how lovely it is to be sleeping, but once my snooze alarm goes off, well, then I do.


Inevitably the last snooze alarm goes off and I know if I don’t get up I will fall back asleep and that will not be good. So I get up, find my slippers in the dark and wonder what I’m going to wear. Then I realize it don’t matter just yet so I dawn my fuzzy robe. Then I try to remember what it is I need to do next. It would seem my brain doesn’t actually wake up when my body does. Coffee is a wonderful motivator. It’s a toss up between coffee or getting the kids up so I dwell mostly on coffee. I really like coffee! Well, I like my kids too but I hate waking people up. Then it’s which kids to get up? Sometimes my brain is still asleep enough that I attempt to get my girls up first. Hannah is always quick to remind me that she has her own alarm that hasn’t gone off yet. Maybe I forget this some mornings cause her alarm has failed… often. Hum, I don’t know. I often turn the hall light on and then wake the boys. Levi is very good about getting up and getting him self together or attempting to talk me into letting him use the computer. The rule is, if he or another kid gets up before my alarm goes off and gets themselves ready for school then if there is still time left over they may go on the computer or Ipad. Of course they conveniently forget this and are so disappointed when I remind them. This morning that’s exactly what happened. I was the bad guy and Levi was so bummed.

The girls alarm goes off shortly after mine and usually Hannah gets up. Hannah is the oldest so no matter how many times I remind her that it’s my job to raise the kids she still feels strongly obligated to try to wake her sister which doesn’t go over well at all. She also turns the bedroom light on which for a person trying desperately to stay asleep is a huge crime and worthy of severe consequences, such as yelling, apparently. I am under the impression that the yelling person feels it is my job to initiate the extreme punishment on the wrong doer who so rudely turned the lights on so they could see their clothes. I do sympathize, I have been tortured in this way as well. Years ago my then husband would get up about 5am and flip on all the lights and bang things around as he got ready for work. Even more years before that when I was 17 my sister an I were doing missions work at an orphanage in Mexico and would attempt to sleep in on our days off. At the time we were staying in the big girls room sort of as dorm moms and the girls didn’t feel it was fair we slept in so they would slam their mental lockers shut several times each. It didn’t occur to them that normally we were up before them taking care of stuff and didn’t go to bed until they all had as well as the other kids in the orphanage. Teens!  However, on a morning like today Hannah had waited a while and it was well past the time Kara should have been up. So I did not keel haul Hannah.

By the way, hearing my daughter holler and yell does challenge my sense of positiveness or lack there of.

Although I drive Kyle to school normally I still have to help him get ready for school at the same time as the other kids since he can be very challenging when trying to head out the door no matter what it’s for. I also do not like to get the kids up to early because then there is empty air space time and that can turn into disaster or lead them to be late since they start to relax. Still time goes by fast and next thing I know it’s time for the three big ones to head out the door. Sometimes this goes smoothly.

That was not the case this morning. This morning there was a jacket issue. The weather has suddenly turned very cold and even Hannah wanted a heavy jacket. Kara needed another of my sweatshirts cause she already got hers and all my other warm sweatshirts she had borrowed dirty and naturally didn’t think to bring it up till it was time to go out the door. But I had already loaned her all my warm or semi warm ones except the one I was wearing. While getting Levi’s sweatshirt, which he was supposed to already have on but didn’t cause when I told him he couldn’t go online he decided to lay down,  I asked if Kara could borrow one of his which he agreed so she was set. Thankfully I knew where the boys jackets were so that wasn’t an issue. Kara on the other hand was having jacket issues cause she left hers at school the day before. She pulled my jacket out to see if she could use it and that’s when Hannah announce that I had given my jacket to her. Oh crap! Really? Why would I give her my only heavy jacket that I wore all winter long last winter? She informed me that not only had I told her she could have it but apparently I had done so years ago.  When Hannah gets something like this in her head she is very stubborn about it. Then, she dawned the jacket.

Kara had by this time figured something out and was on her way out the door. Hannah stopped for a moment and told me they had already missed the bus but I insisted she go anyway and check. Levi managed to leave right behind her.

Positiveness gave way to frustration and a few tears. I was trying all morning to stay positive but it just wasn’t working. The jacket thing really bothered me cause I couldn’t help but think about yesterdays financial issue and now I needed to add a jacket to my list of things I need to get. I even thought about telling the girls they can forget about going to Dashio Con which is something they have been looking forward to going to and preparing as much as they can. It’s next month. If the con accepts us as volunteers then we won’t have to pay to go, but there is still the gas to get there and it would be best if we would get a hotel room. Hannah plans to wear the costume she already has but Kara plans to make something which isn’t exactly free. Oh yes, then there’s the food we will need to consume as well. Add that to the normal months expenses. Really, a big part of my financial issues is debt. It’s sucking the life out of our money. A lot of it is old medical bills that went to collections a long time ago. Well, some of it did and some is still being handled by the hospitals and doctors offices. Also, it’s normal for things to be tight when one moves cause there is a lot of added expense like first and last or deposit for rent and start up fees for gas and electric and internet/TV/phone and water and trash and so on. Remembering that does make me feel a tad better cause it shouldn’t be so tight once I get through all this. I had borrowed money from my ex for the move in so I still am paying him back.

So, how does one flip from negative to positive. Wither it’s faith or science based I don’t see it as an easy thing to do. Old habits die hard, but I really need this bad habit to die sooner. Negative begets negative, it just makes sense. Patience must be the answer. CURSE YOU PATIENCE! Ok, don’t curse you. When I know what needs to be done I like to do it NOW! So patience isn’t something I really appreciate like I should.

On the way home from dropping Kyle off at school I thought about my actions and feelings this morning. As far as the jacket I am actually thankful that Hannah has adopted my jacket. She has one from a few years ago that she has been wearing the inside liner of. As a matter of fact, it’s the inside liner that is her comfort item. She keeps it with her everywhere she goes and when teachers try to take  it from her I end up having to go to the school to deal with the situation. I have washed the thing but it’s old and worn out so she has some teachers who have offered to clean it for her cause they think it has never been washed. It’s like a child’s security blanket or teddy bear or therapy animal. One day we actually hope to have a certified therapy dog. I think that would help a lot.

She refuses to wear the very nice and still new looking out side of the jacket cause it makes her sweat. Buying her a new winter jacket is difficult cause the odds are once she gets it home and wears it once something will be wrong with it in her opinion. This may sound bad to some but actually it’s an improvement compared to how it was when she was in grade school. She used to have more texture issues. She hardly ever wore pants cause they bothered her legs which is a problem when it’s freezing cold and snowing and she will only wear skirts. I wrote many tardy notes to the school explaining that we were late because she couldn’t find socks that wouldn’t bother her feet. I figured they may as well know the truth as silly as it sounded. She has been able to wear pants, including blue jeans, for a few years now and the sock issue is much better and hasn’t made her late in quite a while now. So, now that I gave it thought I am actually happy she thinks my winter coat is hers. Problem solved. I have enough stuff to layer I am fine and I will replace my coat when I can.

I just found it so hard to maintain being positive when I have made myself aware of wither I am or not, which is actually the first step in improving oneself. And it’s difficult when it’s morning and the rest of the folks in the house are in a tizzie.

I hear writing a list of things you are grateful for helps. It seems true cause after thinking about how I should be grateful about Hannah and the jacket issue I also feel so much better remembering the trouble we used to have and how she has come a long way and is doing so well.

Talking about pants, my other child in the spectrum, Levi, has the pants issue as well. Winter can be a challenge since I want him to stay warm. But really, blue jeans are not always that warm either. The problem I used to have with it was actually his dad. When we lived in Chili WI and his dad would take him to the grandparents he would insist Levi wear blue jeans. I didn’t mind Levi wearing sweats but I knew when daddy came there would be a problem if Levi didn’t have blue jeans on. At first I would make him wear them but that really didn’t seem right. After all it was his dads issue and not mine. It’s also possible his grandparents were putting the pressure on as well cause I had felt the blunt of that myself as well the times I visited. They live on a farm and even though they don’t have animals anymore they abide in a farm frame of mind. Sometimes when I used to visit I would have my $5 thick WalMart sweat pants on and their Grandma would tease me about having fancy pants on when visiting the farm and she wasn’t joking, she really thought my sweat pants were fancy. Her teasing wasn’t just teasing either but her way of letting you know you weren’t appropriate.


So I gave up trying to get Levi in the “right” pants for daddy and just packed the jeans instead which meant Levi still had to wear them. This time when we moved back to Wisconsin over a year ago I left off trying to help Levi please his dad. Why the hell should he have to wear blue jeans when they irritate his legs just so a bunch of old foggies can feel comfortable around him. I put his blue jeans up for when Kyle gets that size. Still, buying sweats and other comfortable pants for the long legged growing boys is a challenge. He often ends up with high water pants. He doesn’t care but I do try. At least he doesn’t go on about his socks and jacket. Sadly, Kyle just got into the sock issue.You know the part where the sock is sown together at the top? Well, that part recently started bothering him. I remember there were times that bothered me as well. I think it’s a normal issue many folks have off and on. I just hope Kyle gets over it soon cause it’s already hard to get him out the door as it is.


I do have a ton to be thankful for one, well, that’s actually more then one. Things always work out at the last minute and one day soon that will change to things work out right away. (I’m being positive.) There are places around here that help out with things like food and clothes that I can contact. It’s going to get better. Patience is my friend. ( I need to keep repeating that last one.)


Thursday 10/24/13

Yesterday after attending the lunch with the pastor event held weekly at the church ( Such a good idea!) I went to the local panty. They didn’t have milk and lactose free milk and such but they had cereal, caned food, breads and some over ripe fresh produce. So it was helpful. The local panty also has a very cheep thrift store and when you pick up food there they give you a coupon for the thrift shop. They gave me a $3 one. I was hoping I would find a good winter jacket in there so as soon as I was done loading the food they gave me into the car I went in to the thrift shop to see. I found a giant purple very faux fir fully lined jacket with a hood. Even though it’s old fashioned and way to big it was too cute and fun and warm to pass up so I bought it. Kyle was with me and found a little fifty cent trinket. The jacket was $4. I ended up paying $1.06 for both items. When I put it on outside Kyle told me I looked like the person in the Kids Bop commercial singing “I got twenty dollars in my pocket.” You know, the Thrift Shop song. That cracked me up cause he was right!

poppin tags

A friend back in Plover and I were chatting and she told me I ought to come over and do laundry at her home. I thanked her and told her it was a toss up between using my last $20 doing laundry, getting some groceries (like milk) to get us through to the 1st or gas, which I would need to visit her. She then suggested I use the money for gas to get to her place cause then I wouldn’t have to pay to do laundry and she wanted to buy me some groceries and it wouldn’t be a problem. I’m not a user and I know she has been through a lot so receiving can be very uncomfortable for me but it’s not just for me but for the kids as well and I knew I needed to receive this blessing. So yesterday I did the laundry, got groceries and enjoyed the day in the company of a lovely friend.




(Thanks to a little neighbor kid for taking Kyle and my picture so I could do the ‘poppin tags’ collage. The rest of the pics I found on Google images. )

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White Light!

It’s a visualization of positive energy. Close your eyes and imagine a candle with a flame. Focus on the flame and there you have it, White Light. You can send it out as healing power or encouragement to friends and loved ones or even enemies you feel the need to bless.


Does it work? Maybe, it certainly is possible and, as atheist normally hate to hear, it’s not something you can disprove. If it is blocked or for some reason doesn’t work, it still does good for the sender. Wither it’s actual positive energy at work or it’s a placebo, the good it does is well worth the simple effort. The mind is a powerful thing!

That’s how my brain works. I love science and a closed rigid mind can not discover. Science is all about exploration and discovery and possibilities.

The trick is to be careful not to harm oneself or others when exploring. That’s why there are rules and proven facts to help guide us. Sometimes those things need to be challenged, but even then one must proceed with caution and use common sense and reasoning while paying attention to hunches and feelings.

A few years back I was in a very dark place mentally. I started learning about the power of being positive and the possible effects of “white Light” and such. I was able to visualize it and send it to those in need with out much effort. I also saw how this sort of thing was the same as prayer and meditation and other forms of sending help from where one was at. This helped me re-accept prayer as a positive thing. The same type of action, the same type of results. Even the sounds many folks make when meditating reminded me of the peaceful and jubilant times I felt in churches when folks were harmonizing in tongues. Again the same positive effects occurred. There was also the scary times. Though I have heard more scary sounding tongues then meditation sounds. It all depends on the heart, mind and intention of the person making the sound. There is scientific studies done on how sounds affect us and they do indeed affect us.

positive a

Not to long ago I realized I lost the ability to visualize the light. I could see a candle, but no flame. This concerned me and I considered talking with some friends about this but kept forgetting to. I figured I had been too negative inside myself and must have fed into my negativity more then my positivity and thus the results. As the old Native American story goes, the wolf I fed the most is the one who grew the strongest. Oops!


I was at the local Goodwill recently and was happy to find a book I have been wanting to read. It was at one time on my own personal mental banned book list. I had seen part of the original film when I was a Christian and deemed it very anti-Christ. Since I have left that ridged and corrupt way of thinking I have wanted to re-check it out. I like reading the books more then seeing the movies so I had really wanted to read it. And, there it was on the Goodwill shelf and brand new looking. Finally I had my own copy of… The Secret!

BOOK - The Secret

I started reading it to my boys as they went to sleep at night. Right away I had this thought that maybe this would help me get my “light” back, boost my positive side. I’ve been reading a few pages to them for a while now and it does seem to be working. I haven’t really thought about, well, giving thought to my words and thoughts and training them to be positive for a long time now.

I want my kids to be happy and successful so of course I want to pass on what I learn to them which makes me responsible to act upon it first. As I talk to them about it I am cementing the ideas in my own head.

While talking to one of my daughters about some of the things I have been reading in The Secret it dawned on me where my lack of light may have done the opposite of spark.

A little over a year ago I gave up on trying to make local friends. I had done every thing I knew how and was able to do to make friends and all I got was very hurt and disappointed. I went into depression for three month and that scared me into taking action so I wouldn’t get depressed again if I could help it. My wall of protection was to temporarily not try to make any friends and to just find happiness in my kids and myself. Sure I would enjoy when someone chatted with me on Facebook or e-mailed and I loved chatting with random people here and there but I had no expectations of any future happenings.

I do believe this is where I started feeding the “wrong wolf’”. I do not have a quick fix recipe for this, but most things worth doing take time. I’m starting off with changing my words and my thoughts to be positive and go from there. I don’t yet have many expectations but in time that should change. Already I feel physically and mentally better. I still have a fear of getting my hopes up but even that is changing. I can’t yet allow myself to expect great things to happen fast, after all I am aware that strong buildings are built brick by brick and not slopped down in a day. But what ever good may come at what ever pace I will be thankful.

By the way, I haven’t even gotten half way through the book yet.



(Side note cut. I may make it it’s own blog later.)


(Pictures found on google search. The add at the bottom is a WordPress thing, not  me.)

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You know that crazy funny game where people put their head on a baseball bat and spin around for a while then try to run a race? It’s a crazy mess and hilarious until someone gets hurt and then it’s often still hilarious.



(Images found at http://blog.dragas.com/index.php/reach-survivor-challenge-dizzy-bat/)

Try doing the spinning part then try to navigate through a busy school to each of your classes and pay attention to what you are being taught. Doesn’t sound so fun now, does it? Or do it then go to a large gathering like an assembly, the grocery store or even a carnival.

That is one way to describe how it feels to have Autism while trying to navigate through school and other normal functions. Wouldn’t you get sick of it at some point, cover your ears and start screaming, or maybe curl up in a ball and start rocking?

7478458(Picture found at http://www.drawingroads.com/3/post/2012/04/dealing-with-overstimulation-in-school.html)

It’s not that Autistic people can’t do it. It’s just that they need compassion, not judgment, and they need various assistance to help them along. Autistic people are not all the same so it takes time to figure out what works for each individual.

You remember that annoying screaming kid in the store that you just wish the mom would take outside? Well, it’s very possible that kid has Autism and the “spinning”, or lights, sounds and crowd were too overwhelming and they just couldn’t take another second of it. And it’s possible the parent hasn’t figured out how to help their child yet or that they accidentally left the sensory item that does calm the child at home or lost it. And just cause a parent has an Autistic child doesn’t mean they have people who can watch the child while they shop. Actually, it’s more likely they don’t have anyone cause people with Autism in the family often have a hard time keeping friends. Sure, they could take the child out. Then return only to have it happen all over again. Do you really expect then to keep going in and out and in and out? That would likely make the issue worse and then might make the parent late to an appointment that she or he will have to wait months to reschedule. Or, they would just have to go home with no milk and other necessities all just to please you and your nerves. It’s very likely that if a parent is at the store with a screaming child, they don’t want to be there either and are just as or even more annoyed then you. Sure, you may have been stalking, I mean watching the whole situation and it’s obvious that the kid is spoiled, because you are an expert in that area. Other then there is a possibility that you’re wrong, being judgmental and annoyed isn’t going to make things better for you. May as well give them a benefit of a doubt and go on with you life and your shopping. Why have a stroke over it?

boy-candy(Image found on google search)

It’s also possible that the parent of the child is in the Autism spectrum as well and if that is the case they will be doing what seems logical to them and may be having sensory overload as well. They may also be shutting out the world in order to make it through their shopping trip so your “I’m annoyed” glances and comments mean nothing to them or are just a bullying attack in their eyes.

Just like you may think people ought to understand and feel what you feel about those annoying screaming children, the parent likely feels the same way about your lack of compassion and empathy and inability to shut off the noise in your own head. Maybe you need the sound proof ear protectors and a sensory item as well. Maybe you need to learn how the Autistic world functions. Maybe you really aren’t that different from an Autistic person after all.

1338939908604_9541965(Yeah, this isn’t what really happens! )

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This started off as FaceBook posts and updates as comments from myself but then it got to long and I thought, “Hey, why not blog it!” So here it is status and all.


I finally got my oven fixed (2 days ago). I promised myself I would make cookies when it was fixed so I did. I didn’t think about how it’s a gas oven and it’s old and it takes forever to warm up. Gotta get used to this!
Now if only I had a washer and dryer…


and… I also didn’t think about how nothing in this mobile home was cleaned before we moved in and that would likely include the oven. Although they had already been checked, the smoke alarms still work! lol


Oy! Hopefully it won’t take me to long to catch on. It seems so far that in order to get the oven to heat up I have to turn it all the way up to 500. The problem is remembering to turn it back down when I put the cookies in.


So, the school had a fundraiser. I hate begging for orders, then collecting money. So not my cup of tea. I liked it better when I was on the PTA board and helped organize it but not actually do it. Well, actually we were supposed to do it. This time I decided I would do my best to be a supportive parent and take my boys out and knock on some neighborhood doors before all the other kids did and get some orders. They each got one customer and I was exhausted but happy. Now they can both get an invisible ink prize! Yah!   ;P  The school staff informed me that the money was due on the day of product pick up so I painfully informed the customers that I needed the money the day before. Yesterday Kyle and I drove to the school to pick the stuff up. On the way I realized I didn’t remember which school the pick up was at. We headed to the elementary school first but it wasn’t there. On our way to the other schools I received a automatic phone message saying the fund-raiser pick up was the next day. Oops! My bad. So we headed home.


The next day (today) I went in to my sons school to talk with the nurse about his prescription. When I was done I asked a staff member about where the fund-raiser would be. She told me it was last night at the high school gum then took me to another staff member to find out what I should do. That lady wrote the PTO president’s name and number down for me to call. So I called and left a message about my situation.

The lady called me back and let me know the fund-raiser pick up was indeed last night in the gym. She also mentioned that they are still trying to figure out why that call went out. As far as the products, it was too late, they already sent the company the left over items back.  I didn’t want to get mad at her. It wouldn’t do any good. But I was really ticked. In the past I would have told her it was okay and not to worry about it,  but I am reprogramming myself for a more honest realistic life. However, I was still pleasant with out the lying words of affirmation.  When she hung up I then expressed my true feelings of disappointment and anger to, well, the air I guess. Knowing people got a official school call telling them to pick up items the night after the real pick up couldn’t they have held onto the stuff one more day? I don’t know, maybe not. Many of the items are frozen food products.


So, now I have to confront my neighbors and tell them what happened and return their money. One of the neighbors had told me he was excited to get his pizza he ordered! Ak!

But I have a plan! I just so happen to be making chocolate chip cookies. Well, before I remembered I was making cookies I contemplated purchasing pizzas at the store, but that would be lame. lol So yeah! Homemade cookies! They can’t get too disappointed if I have a plate of free homemade cookies for them! I pretty much have the ‘not burning them thing’ down now so this sounds like a good plan. (That may have been hard to read but if you read it a couple more time you might get it. lol) Go me!!!

So, that’s it for now. I plan to update the results on here when they come in. Which means this blog isn’t done yet.

I'll Be Back

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