It seems the more positive I try to be the more negativity I unearth.
I knew I was too negative inside, but this is a bit ridicules. How does one be truthful and honest yet still be positive and speak things into existence, so to speak. “Hi! I’m broke and don’t have enough money to get through the month.” No! That’s putting doubt and negativity out there. “Hi! I have all the money I need to get through the month… by faith!” Hum, one is negative but true while the other is a sentence of positive faith or attraction but a lie at the present moment. “Hi! I’d like to sign up for help from the food pantry even though I’m filthy rich!” I don’t see how that would go over very well. How do you ask for help when you’re not allowing your self to put negative words out into the universe or as some would say, when you are not uttering words of doubt that God can take care of you. “Hi! I need to sign up for such and such help because I am still expecting my fortune to come in.” Hum, that might actually work! Lol
I went to the grocery store yesterday to get milk and a few other things. I knew my food share card was almost used up since $80 doesn’t go very far. I had a little over ten bucks left on it. I’d been mentally trying to prepare myself for the cut that takes effect next month which means our food share will be lowered to $40 for the five of us. The food share I had left took care of about half the bill so I pulled out my child support card but it was empty. No problem, I had a little left in my bank account. Nope! So I went to the ATM and found I had about $90 left on the SS card. Pulled out $80 and then went to the bank to find out why I was over drawn. I figured it was a miscalculation on my part.
The beginning of the month had been a bit crazy with the child support and food stamps not coming in on time cause we moved counties. They felt they needed to hold onto the money till they felt like pushing the paper work through causing me to be late on a bunch of bills, several of which were auto payments drawn from my bank. The money I pulled out was just able to cover the over drawn amount and the amount for the groceries I needed, thankfully.
For those who think one can get rich off the “system” they have a ceiling that they don’t allow you to go over. So if one is increased the other is decreased. At least that’s how it is in Wisconsin and Michigan. Apparently there are ways to fool the system but I am not educated in those ways and I wouldn’t want to risk the consequences if I was. For people who are and get caught instead of fining them they should put them in government jobs cause they are so cleaver. Lol
Back to yesterday… The problem is, it’s was the 21st, meaning I had a week and a half left to get by on about $20. I still needed gas to get around, food, laundry mat money (takes about $20 or more to do that.) and so on. But, I needed to stay positive. There was nothing I could do about it at the time so no need to dwell on it.
This morning my alarm went off like it does every school morning. I do have a rather positive disposition in the morning. I’m all cuddled up in my warm cuddly blanket on my pillows and I have this sense of thankfulness and gratitude toward the fact that I have a snooze alarm. I mean, I really like my snooze alarm! When I’m asleep through out the night I don’t think about how lovely it is to be sleeping, but once my snooze alarm goes off, well, then I do.
Inevitably the last snooze alarm goes off and I know if I don’t get up I will fall back asleep and that will not be good. So I get up, find my slippers in the dark and wonder what I’m going to wear. Then I realize it don’t matter just yet so I dawn my fuzzy robe. Then I try to remember what it is I need to do next. It would seem my brain doesn’t actually wake up when my body does. Coffee is a wonderful motivator. It’s a toss up between coffee or getting the kids up so I dwell mostly on coffee. I really like coffee! Well, I like my kids too but I hate waking people up. Then it’s which kids to get up? Sometimes my brain is still asleep enough that I attempt to get my girls up first. Hannah is always quick to remind me that she has her own alarm that hasn’t gone off yet. Maybe I forget this some mornings cause her alarm has failed… often. Hum, I don’t know. I often turn the hall light on and then wake the boys. Levi is very good about getting up and getting him self together or attempting to talk me into letting him use the computer. The rule is, if he or another kid gets up before my alarm goes off and gets themselves ready for school then if there is still time left over they may go on the computer or Ipad. Of course they conveniently forget this and are so disappointed when I remind them. This morning that’s exactly what happened. I was the bad guy and Levi was so bummed.
The girls alarm goes off shortly after mine and usually Hannah gets up. Hannah is the oldest so no matter how many times I remind her that it’s my job to raise the kids she still feels strongly obligated to try to wake her sister which doesn’t go over well at all. She also turns the bedroom light on which for a person trying desperately to stay asleep is a huge crime and worthy of severe consequences, such as yelling, apparently. I am under the impression that the yelling person feels it is my job to initiate the extreme punishment on the wrong doer who so rudely turned the lights on so they could see their clothes. I do sympathize, I have been tortured in this way as well. Years ago my then husband would get up about 5am and flip on all the lights and bang things around as he got ready for work. Even more years before that when I was 17 my sister an I were doing missions work at an orphanage in Mexico and would attempt to sleep in on our days off. At the time we were staying in the big girls room sort of as dorm moms and the girls didn’t feel it was fair we slept in so they would slam their mental lockers shut several times each. It didn’t occur to them that normally we were up before them taking care of stuff and didn’t go to bed until they all had as well as the other kids in the orphanage. Teens! However, on a morning like today Hannah had waited a while and it was well past the time Kara should have been up. So I did not keel haul Hannah.
By the way, hearing my daughter holler and yell does challenge my sense of positiveness or lack there of.
Although I drive Kyle to school normally I still have to help him get ready for school at the same time as the other kids since he can be very challenging when trying to head out the door no matter what it’s for. I also do not like to get the kids up to early because then there is empty air space time and that can turn into disaster or lead them to be late since they start to relax. Still time goes by fast and next thing I know it’s time for the three big ones to head out the door. Sometimes this goes smoothly.
That was not the case this morning. This morning there was a jacket issue. The weather has suddenly turned very cold and even Hannah wanted a heavy jacket. Kara needed another of my sweatshirts cause she already got hers and all my other warm sweatshirts she had borrowed dirty and naturally didn’t think to bring it up till it was time to go out the door. But I had already loaned her all my warm or semi warm ones except the one I was wearing. While getting Levi’s sweatshirt, which he was supposed to already have on but didn’t cause when I told him he couldn’t go online he decided to lay down, I asked if Kara could borrow one of his which he agreed so she was set. Thankfully I knew where the boys jackets were so that wasn’t an issue. Kara on the other hand was having jacket issues cause she left hers at school the day before. She pulled my jacket out to see if she could use it and that’s when Hannah announce that I had given my jacket to her. Oh crap! Really? Why would I give her my only heavy jacket that I wore all winter long last winter? She informed me that not only had I told her she could have it but apparently I had done so years ago. When Hannah gets something like this in her head she is very stubborn about it. Then, she dawned the jacket.
Kara had by this time figured something out and was on her way out the door. Hannah stopped for a moment and told me they had already missed the bus but I insisted she go anyway and check. Levi managed to leave right behind her.
Positiveness gave way to frustration and a few tears. I was trying all morning to stay positive but it just wasn’t working. The jacket thing really bothered me cause I couldn’t help but think about yesterdays financial issue and now I needed to add a jacket to my list of things I need to get. I even thought about telling the girls they can forget about going to Dashio Con which is something they have been looking forward to going to and preparing as much as they can. It’s next month. If the con accepts us as volunteers then we won’t have to pay to go, but there is still the gas to get there and it would be best if we would get a hotel room. Hannah plans to wear the costume she already has but Kara plans to make something which isn’t exactly free. Oh yes, then there’s the food we will need to consume as well. Add that to the normal months expenses. Really, a big part of my financial issues is debt. It’s sucking the life out of our money. A lot of it is old medical bills that went to collections a long time ago. Well, some of it did and some is still being handled by the hospitals and doctors offices. Also, it’s normal for things to be tight when one moves cause there is a lot of added expense like first and last or deposit for rent and start up fees for gas and electric and internet/TV/phone and water and trash and so on. Remembering that does make me feel a tad better cause it shouldn’t be so tight once I get through all this. I had borrowed money from my ex for the move in so I still am paying him back.
So, how does one flip from negative to positive. Wither it’s faith or science based I don’t see it as an easy thing to do. Old habits die hard, but I really need this bad habit to die sooner. Negative begets negative, it just makes sense. Patience must be the answer. CURSE YOU PATIENCE! Ok, don’t curse you. When I know what needs to be done I like to do it NOW! So patience isn’t something I really appreciate like I should.
On the way home from dropping Kyle off at school I thought about my actions and feelings this morning. As far as the jacket I am actually thankful that Hannah has adopted my jacket. She has one from a few years ago that she has been wearing the inside liner of. As a matter of fact, it’s the inside liner that is her comfort item. She keeps it with her everywhere she goes and when teachers try to take it from her I end up having to go to the school to deal with the situation. I have washed the thing but it’s old and worn out so she has some teachers who have offered to clean it for her cause they think it has never been washed. It’s like a child’s security blanket or teddy bear or therapy animal. One day we actually hope to have a certified therapy dog. I think that would help a lot.
She refuses to wear the very nice and still new looking out side of the jacket cause it makes her sweat. Buying her a new winter jacket is difficult cause the odds are once she gets it home and wears it once something will be wrong with it in her opinion. This may sound bad to some but actually it’s an improvement compared to how it was when she was in grade school. She used to have more texture issues. She hardly ever wore pants cause they bothered her legs which is a problem when it’s freezing cold and snowing and she will only wear skirts. I wrote many tardy notes to the school explaining that we were late because she couldn’t find socks that wouldn’t bother her feet. I figured they may as well know the truth as silly as it sounded. She has been able to wear pants, including blue jeans, for a few years now and the sock issue is much better and hasn’t made her late in quite a while now. So, now that I gave it thought I am actually happy she thinks my winter coat is hers. Problem solved. I have enough stuff to layer I am fine and I will replace my coat when I can.
I just found it so hard to maintain being positive when I have made myself aware of wither I am or not, which is actually the first step in improving oneself. And it’s difficult when it’s morning and the rest of the folks in the house are in a tizzie.
I hear writing a list of things you are grateful for helps. It seems true cause after thinking about how I should be grateful about Hannah and the jacket issue I also feel so much better remembering the trouble we used to have and how she has come a long way and is doing so well.
Talking about pants, my other child in the spectrum, Levi, has the pants issue as well. Winter can be a challenge since I want him to stay warm. But really, blue jeans are not always that warm either. The problem I used to have with it was actually his dad. When we lived in Chili WI and his dad would take him to the grandparents he would insist Levi wear blue jeans. I didn’t mind Levi wearing sweats but I knew when daddy came there would be a problem if Levi didn’t have blue jeans on. At first I would make him wear them but that really didn’t seem right. After all it was his dads issue and not mine. It’s also possible his grandparents were putting the pressure on as well cause I had felt the blunt of that myself as well the times I visited. They live on a farm and even though they don’t have animals anymore they abide in a farm frame of mind. Sometimes when I used to visit I would have my $5 thick WalMart sweat pants on and their Grandma would tease me about having fancy pants on when visiting the farm and she wasn’t joking, she really thought my sweat pants were fancy. Her teasing wasn’t just teasing either but her way of letting you know you weren’t appropriate.
So I gave up trying to get Levi in the “right” pants for daddy and just packed the jeans instead which meant Levi still had to wear them. This time when we moved back to Wisconsin over a year ago I left off trying to help Levi please his dad. Why the hell should he have to wear blue jeans when they irritate his legs just so a bunch of old foggies can feel comfortable around him. I put his blue jeans up for when Kyle gets that size. Still, buying sweats and other comfortable pants for the long legged growing boys is a challenge. He often ends up with high water pants. He doesn’t care but I do try. At least he doesn’t go on about his socks and jacket. Sadly, Kyle just got into the sock issue.You know the part where the sock is sown together at the top? Well, that part recently started bothering him. I remember there were times that bothered me as well. I think it’s a normal issue many folks have off and on. I just hope Kyle gets over it soon cause it’s already hard to get him out the door as it is.
I do have a ton to be thankful for one, well, that’s actually more then one. Things always work out at the last minute and one day soon that will change to things work out right away. (I’m being positive.) There are places around here that help out with things like food and clothes that I can contact. It’s going to get better. Patience is my friend. ( I need to keep repeating that last one.)
Yesterday after attending the lunch with the pastor event held weekly at the church ( Such a good idea!) I went to the local panty. They didn’t have milk and lactose free milk and such but they had cereal, caned food, breads and some over ripe fresh produce. So it was helpful. The local panty also has a very cheep thrift store and when you pick up food there they give you a coupon for the thrift shop. They gave me a $3 one. I was hoping I would find a good winter jacket in there so as soon as I was done loading the food they gave me into the car I went in to the thrift shop to see. I found a giant purple very faux fir fully lined jacket with a hood. Even though it’s old fashioned and way to big it was too cute and fun and warm to pass up so I bought it. Kyle was with me and found a little fifty cent trinket. The jacket was $4. I ended up paying $1.06 for both items. When I put it on outside Kyle told me I looked like the person in the Kids Bop commercial singing “I got twenty dollars in my pocket.” You know, the Thrift Shop song. That cracked me up cause he was right!
A friend back in Plover and I were chatting and she told me I ought to come over and do laundry at her home. I thanked her and told her it was a toss up between using my last $20 doing laundry, getting some groceries (like milk) to get us through to the 1st or gas, which I would need to visit her. She then suggested I use the money for gas to get to her place cause then I wouldn’t have to pay to do laundry and she wanted to buy me some groceries and it wouldn’t be a problem. I’m not a user and I know she has been through a lot so receiving can be very uncomfortable for me but it’s not just for me but for the kids as well and I knew I needed to receive this blessing. So yesterday I did the laundry, got groceries and enjoyed the day in the company of a lovely friend.
(Thanks to a little neighbor kid for taking Kyle and my picture so I could do the ‘poppin tags’ collage. The rest of the pics I found on Google images. )
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