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Posts Tagged ‘cult’

Hey Guys!

I’ve been blog gone for a while now and I apologize. I’m not saying I’m “back” but I will try to do better. I still am on Facebook but normally for only brief moments of time. Instagram has been my go-to because I can make quick clips and pics on my phone and keep going. (You can find me there at www.instagram.com/lorenakoran/) But even that apparently has challenges. I learned the hard way that my new Cricket phone has a limited high speed internet thing on it and I used it all up so I couldn’t post Instagram stuff until I paid my bill for the next month. I think I used up my high speed privileges by using YouTube music while driving, which I do a lot of. Oops! I’m not to happy about that. I’m already paying enough for me and my daughters phone services, (Her dad contributes a little for hers, but it still adds up.) I don’t need an added extra charge. I guess I’ll have to start downloading music. Another time consumer and not always free unless you use the free stuff which normally comes with viruses and spam.

So yeah, I have been busy. That’s not new. Hannah has a job that I get to drive her too. I am very proud of her and I want to encourage her and she will pay me for gas when she gets paid. Thankfully it’s not super far away. She got this one through the DVR and Aurora services and we hope the place she is working at will like her and hire her when the allotted time is up. Already it is better then the place DVR placed her in last summer. That place (PetCo) didn’t bother training her but insisted she stalk shelves. Then when her DVR person came in to check on her the manager said she wasn’t taking initiative. Hannah wanted to learn more but they wouldn’t let her! Ug! So, this place she is at now is all about training her. So much better!

Sometimes it’s easy to lose track of the struggles people with aspergers (now just called Autism) go through. When they are “high functioning” there are times it seems they can take on the world. But that just isn’t reality. Just because a person with aspergers turnes 18 doesn’t mean they suddenly have the skills needed to get, maintain and keep a job. Their pace is often slower. Given time they could master the trait and actually do better then anyone else, but not everyone understands they need time to really learn it. Then there’s the days when there is too much stress and they melt down. How may places of employment can understand when someone calls in saying they can’t work that day because they had a melt down. Some folks with ASD wouldn’t be able to even express that. Plus, not many folks really even know what a melt down is and the time it takes to come back from one. Spin around until you can’t stand, then try doing your job. Not only is it very difficult or even impossible, it’s a bad idea. I really appreciate the services out there that are in place for people who have disabilities or mental issues, yet want to work and have the most normal life they can. Yes, sometimes such services are neglectful or take “forever”, but sometimes they pull through and are just what you need.

I’m happy the school year is almost over. I wish it was already over because we are moving next week. As far as the boys, whom I am homeschooling, I plan so far to continue at a slow pace through out summer. I’m glad RVA and my boys RVA teacher are set up for such things. The last two weeks homeschooling has gotten steadily more difficult. Mainly due to my youngest increased melt downs. Since he comes home so depressed from his dads home, Kyle’s therapist and I decided it would be a good idea for me to keep him home on the weekends for about three weeks instead of going to dads to see if things improved. We lasted two weeks. The depression did improve but the melt downs continued to get worse and worse. I believe he is depressed at dads because instead of throwing a fit, crying, saying horrible things and so on he holds it all in. He’s told me many times he is afraid of his dad which is why he “behaves” for him. So, when he gets home he pretty much explodes and has little control over his negative mood and depression. I’ve had several special ed teachers explain to me that often kids are bad for mom because they feel comfortable around her. It sounds wrong, but it’s actually right, as in the right thing to feel.

I have asked his therapist about what I should do in the case of him acting out or trying to act out his threats, (they are usually about himself). He pretty much told me to do what I planned to do which is to take him to the ER. But what I didn’t know is that the ER is trained to handle and refer issues like that to a mental health specialist. Hopefully it won’t come to that but it’s good to know.

The other night I did some research on Kyle’s symptoms. I found they match either a mental psychosis or a bad reaction to the meds he just happens to be on. One way or another it seems his meds are not right for him. He has been refereed to a child psyc next month. It’s a long way away but the alternative is to get one near by and wait a year. Next month already feels like a year away so I don’t mind the drive. One of the many things that sends Kyle into a melt down is his frustration with himself. His OCD is getting out of hand and that will set him off. It’s difficult to have to have to walk on egg shells around him but I also feel so bad for him because he is frustrated and upset with himself.

Then there’s the other kids. I have three older them him. (He’s ten, btw.) They have their own issues to deal with like aspergers, ADHD and Autism. I am relieved they are doing so well. But after having Kyle stay home from dads on the weekends for two weeks I saw them get so stressed out and tired and easily frustrated. It made me think about how it’s not just me that needs the weekend break but they have needed it as well all along. I don’t do favorites, it’s never been something I cared to do or put up with. But, in a way Kyle’s has been treated like a favorite for  a while now. So many things are in place to keep him from going off. Now with things getting worse the other kids have also had to walk on egg shells around him. That is not fair to them. Although it breaks my heart to see Kyle depressed, I have to keep sending him to dads for his siblings sake as well as mine. This evening I did explain the situation to his dad. I encouraged him, again, to see Kyle’s therapist. I told him that possibly the therapist would have some ideas for him to help Kyle not get depressed. I hope I got through this time.

I hope that the appointment for next month will be effective and we can figure out how to make Kyle’s life not just bearable but positive and no longer something he feels frustrated over. I would love to have my baby back. Sometimes I think about when he was a baby and I can’t help but cry cause I miss him. He was the funnest, alert, happy, curious and wonderful little (he really was a little guy) baby. Sometimes I see other people and their adorable happy well behaved baby and I can’t help think about how you just never know what that baby will become. But, then again, I also watch shows like Beautiful Mind and Temple Grandin and I remember that things can change for the better too. Even my own daughter Hannah is comforting when I recall how horribly difficult she was when she was younger and how wonderful of a person she has become now. She was actually a easy teen to raise. We had moments but compared to normal kids she was a jewel. It was before that that we had so much trouble. So, I know, sometimes, that there is hope. And I know for sure I will not give up on Kyle. We will figure it out.

One thing I am very glad about is that we are not still in that horrible cult we had been in. If we were I have no doubt they would be saying my son is demon possessed. The idiot church leader who titled him self a prophet said Hannah was demon possessed and had no clue (from God who he hears from and speaks for, or so he wants people to believe) that she was autistic. Although this is abuse, I must tell you that it’s something which Hannah now takes great pride in. Love her sense of humor!

Haha! Aww! I almost forgot to add, my own health has been challenged. My periods may or may not happen monthly but when they do they last anywhere from three weeks to a month and a half. On top of losing all that blood, I had a blood test done while I was not pms’ing and it showed that I was very anemic as well as some other issues. So, I was told to take iron. (It has to be the Ferrous Sulfate kind and not the “other” kind.) No wonder I was craving rare hamburger. Lol. That was a while ago. I have been feeling a little better as far as energy so it was no surprise today when I got the call from my newer blood test that my blood levels have improved but the doc still wants me on iron. I did have something else that was off so now I need to see a rheumatologist. I had had a lot of tingling and pain in my arms, mostly the right, whenever I tried to go to sleep for quite a while. It’s improved a lot so I haven’t really been thinking about it but I’m sure it’s all related. I also have been diagnosed with RLS. The meds help a lot. I can’t hep but wonder what’s going on and what I will learn and piece together once I get to talk to a professional about it all.

So I gota tell you about the other night, if you’re still reading this. Lol! Kyle continuously wakes me up as long as he is awake. Usually he doesn’t drift off to seep for quite a while. Some nights he zonks right out and some nights he stays awake for a very long time. Usually it’s the in between one and if I let him talk to me he’ll wind down and pass out. However, the other night it was a no sleep night for him. I was dog tired, like usual, and kept passing out. Each time he would wake me. I think most of you know how that feels. It’s quite unpleasant. Anyway, it happened over and over so many times that I finally woke up and jerked at begin startled by the daylight. It was kinda funny.

So, there ya have it. Why I have been internet AWOL.

Now for the move which I am mostly looking forward to it. The trailer we are in now has such tiny rooms and it’s cold in the winter. I don’t know if the house we are moving into will be warm, but it is bigger. Here’s the crazy thing about houses. In each area or state there should be required things in a home. Like in tornado alley all homes (including apartments) should have storm cellars. I have heard California has codes that building have to be built earth quake proof. At least they get it! Here in Wisconsin homes should be required to have mud rooms. All the people in the homes here have big snow boots, big giant jackets, big snow pants, hats and gloves that get wet and so on. A little tiny coat closet or door way can not handle even one persons snow stuff let alone a family of five! Yeah! So, that’s what I think! If you’re gonna build a home here, or an apartment, or even a trailer, for cryin out loud include a mud room!!! Okay, I ranted. Thank you! Lol! Oh, yeah, another think I am looking forward to is not living in a small town with nothing to do in the winter which is most of the time. Moving is a pain in the back, and feet … and I will miss the porch and the neighbors, but, that’s about it. I’m ready to go!

 

On the lighter side, let me tell you about out hamster, Hanz. He’s a little hooligan. I just expect him to die, those little things get tumors and die so easy that I just expect it. This little dude likes to throw me off and appear dead sometimes. Today he was laying sideways on top of his floor stuff and twitching. OMG, really! I said something to Hannah and Levi about it but they are used to his antics and are more pessimistic about it anyway. So Levi calmly says, “touch him”. So I did and he just laid there twitching. So I touched him again. This time he got up and ran away to the other side of his tank. Twerp! Hannah and Levi thought is was so funny that he scared mommy, …again.

Life will get better because we will make it so. I sometimes wonder how friends and folks I know and have met have dealt with and how they have felt going through similar or even worse things then what I am going through with my son right now. I think of them and think they likely have the same thoughts and feelings I have and I understand that there is no way to really understand what it’s like unless you go through it. Yet I don’t wish it on anyone either. Once again I hope that by expressing myself and telling my story maybe it will help people understand at least a little and maybe it will help other parents or care givers like me know they are not alone. While you don’t have to hold on to fairy tales, you do have to hold on to hope. But I must say, fairy tales do provide a temporary escape from time to time. Although it partly pains me to send my son to his dads on the weekends I believe he is in a safe place and it gives me time to do something for myself and as I have recently come to understand, a break for the other kids. I feel very lucky to have this. In the past it wasn’t possible because my other kids were too young and had their own problems I had to be present for. So, as negative as things have gotten there is a ray of light. I read and watch inspirational things when I find myself getting to negative. It helps pull me back up. I also have a mental bucket list and ideas for my future that I can use to look forward to. I finally started a vision board. It took me a long time because I felt seeing pictures and words about what I want to do would be too depressing. But it’s actually not. It’s quite pleasant looking at those pics. I need to do more but at least I got it started.

Hey, come by my Autism, etc page and hit “like” and join the conversation, if there is one, or start one. Just be nice. If you wanna not be nice there’s a ton of other ASD groups that are fine with that. It’s at – https://www.facebook.com/autismrisesabove/.

 

And now for some funny pictures! 

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This one is not funny. Lol!

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Okay, I’ll stop now. 😉 

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Lifestyles

A dove in the sky (Image found on Google Images)

 

It’s good to remember and keep in mind that your spiritual experiences are not only found within your own belief system but are found in all belief systems. Just as right as you believe you are, others in their beliefs systems know they are right as well, and that you are misled. You may believe their spiritual experiences are deceptions from their carnal mind or are even demonic, but keep in mind, they believe the same way about you.

Click on the link below to watch the video.

Spiritual Witnesses

 

I love that someone put this clip together to show testimonies from people of various belief systems sharing the same experiences that caused them to believe, change for the better, and want to reach out to others. I think it would have also been great if people who were touched and changed by a secular rock concert would have been included as well. Yes, that does happen. Hype, mental manipulation and desperation, etc, can cause the same effect across the board.  But of course, only those converted and touched within your religion are actually being blessed by the only one true way. And that doesn’t have to make sense because when it comes to spirituality, science and reasoning are off the table and no longer apply. So, until one is able to wake from their wishful thinking and brain washed state, reason is a sin.

 

And to those who are tolerant, accepting and willing to coexist, believing “there is more then one path…” wither I disagree or not, I commend you. You are not “wishy washy” “simple minded”, “wimpy”, “unable to makeup your mind”and other insults religious and non-religious people have thrown at you. It’s okay to accept people the way they are and to be happy for them. This is not a bad thing. It’s also okay to not know something and admit it, that doesn’t make you stupid or dumb. Pretending and convincing yourself you know something and then convincing others of the same is ignorant, arrogant and rude. Peace is good and more effective them hate, division, and other negative things.

 

Honesty can be good but one must start with themselves to be truly honest. Questioning everything is the “right path”. Feelings are nice and they are human but they should not determine what is true and what is false. Also remember, when you research, don’t just research from within your own belief system. Go outside your belief system as well. And don’t just believe the first thing you read or hear. Questioning and research do not stop at one or two articles, blogs or personal testimonies. Also remember to appreciate the feelings but to take them out of the proof equation since feelings can be triggered and manipulated. Even testimonies like those of healing, healing is not restricted to that persons belief system. If you can handle it you may even push further and look for reasons these things could have happened without a “miracle”. Take into account that a lot of people lie. Even nice people you trust may be prone to lie about certain things. But there are still plenty of others who are not lying but do not understand the science behind what has happened to them, therefore to them it is a legitimate miracle.

 

If you are the type that believes you need your religion, then stay with it, but, don’t be a jerk about it. If your belief system is actually good for you, (in other words, you are not being controlled, abused, and told to take your own life or another’s or sticking with it out of misplaced pride) then stay with it but accept and even fellowship with people who believe differently then you. It’s good for you, good for your community and good for the world. And by all means, speak up and encourage others to do the same so that the out spoken Fundies don’t keep getting all the attention. We need more people to help other people to get along peacefully without tying to change folks to their spiritual way of thinking.

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I just got this notification from WordPress;
“Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!
You registered on WordPress.com 5 years ago!
Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!”
Five years! Wow! Awesome! I would say time flies but sometimes it hasn’t. It all depends really. It actually feels like I’ve been doing this longer.

I started blogging way back when, a little over five years ago on a blog that I’ve lost. I only published a few things before switching to WordPress.

I started blogging because I had a need. My need was to find people who understood what I was going through and I couldn’t find them. I knew they existed, no one is completely unique in their experiences, there are always others. But no one was speaking up…yet. So I decided to be “that” person. The one who spoke up and told the truth about life. I decided to make myself an open book and be available for others who needed someone like them, some one like me.

Not to long after that things changed and people started speaking out. Not just on blogs but on TV shows. And I was right, I did need them. Hearing their stories and how similar we were and what they did and went through helped me deal with guilt and bitterness and helped me on my path to recovery.

I am happy to know I have been able to help others as well. I would love to help so many more and one day I will. But even if it was just one person, that person matters.

In case you are wondering what it was I was going through I’ll tell you. I was getting out of a cult I had been in from the age of nineteen to thirty eight. However, life is never just about one thing. I have been happy to share so much more because there is always something happening wither it be good or bad, positive or negative and so on. And I am still very much aware that what ever I go through I am simply not the only one. It is still  my hope to continue to write about life and be there for others who need me and need to know they are not alone.

Here’s to the next 5 years! Cheers!

5-Year-Anniversary

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Here’s a picture of me I used in April of 2010. 

and

Here’s a picture of me now!

old_lady1

Wait!

That’s not me!

Let me try this again…

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There I am!

**

This was the perfect song to come out during that time of my life.

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Last night while driving with three of my kids to the video store I found myself talking about the mental abuse I went through most my life. I’ve never really labeled it that way before. It’s so easy to be misunderstood, but sometimes that’s life!

What sparked it was my twelve year old son being concerned for my health. I have irritable bowel syndrome and am often in discomfort. I had a stressful week and stress is a big IBS trigger. It’s not always about food.

My son wanted to know what caused it. So far no one has pin pointed the cause of IBS, but many have speculated it stems from stress.

So I told him about how I was never allowed to express myself, I learned to hold everything in. I told him about as a child I was shy and quite and by the time I started coming out of my shell my mom would take personal offence if I ever expressed negative feelings. My dad was more subtle with it, he knew how to put a guilt trip on you before you ever knew what was happening.

I told my son about how at the age of about nineteen I finally barfed my feeling out in front of several people. I was on a church trip and I got extremely sick and ended up breaking down emotionally. The church leader saw tears in my eyes which normally would embarrass me terribly and insisted I talk. One of the church ladies coaxed me and before I knew it I was virtually vomiting mass amounts of mental pain I had unknowingly held in for many year.

This all happened in a van caravan along the side of the highway from Chicago to Mississippi. My mom was in the van behind us but got an earful from the church leader because much of what I spilled out was about my parents. I had never “exposed” them before. I didn’t know how to say anything bad or negative about my parents. So this was quite a shock to her. She got very upset with me and brought it up off and on for years as if I had abused her.

My son then talked about how it was good the church leader and church lady helped me get that stuff out.

I then told him that it was good but sadly that was the last time it would happen. From then on I was under their wing and I was not allowed to be myself and express myself any longer with out rebuke and retaliation. Even in regard to other church members. I was often reprimanded for not standing up for myself. But, if I did, the people I stood up to would complain to the church leader and then he would rebuke me harshly usually saying I had meanness in me and use what I did as an example for many sermons there after. If you look up brain washing this is a common technique, btw.

I then told my son that I have been out of all that for about five or six years now and that while I have healed myself mentally and emotionally, physically it can take a while. I really believe holding in stress all those years is a big contributing factor to my current IBS condition. I told him I have improved, but I have a ways to go.

After hearing the initial story he let me know this was the first he ever know of this part of my past. I explained, and was thankfully backed up by my daughters, that I had indeed talked about it in front of him many times but he likely was to young to understand. I was happy he understood that.

He told me that if he had a time machine he would go back in time and fix all that for me. I just love it when my children show empathy, it’s lovely and heart touching. I mentioned I appreciated his empathy and he asked what that was so the girls and I told him. Then I mentioned something about him being empathetic and he thought I insulted him. After all empathetic has the sound of pathetic in it. We had a good laugh over that.

He wanted to help me heal mentally so I assured him I had. He seemed to be trying to find a way to help me. I thought it was really awesome that he was taking such a mature view of it all.

I told him that when I first got out of all that stuff I desperately wished for a time machine. I wanted so badly to go back and change things. But over time I found I knew so much more then ever before and I could relate to and help people cause I understood them due to my own past experiences. I realized that if time machines were real, I could never change anything. I value what I have learned and who I have become.

After securing in his mind that I have changed and I do now express myself and am mentally doing well he moved on to my health.

I let him know I was working on it. That it would take time. He then moved on to the issue of exercise… Oh dear! lol I admitted I was doing pretty bad with that at this time. He wanted to set up a schedule for me to go to the YMCA every day while him and his siblings were at school. There was actually a time I did that. I loved it! I wanted to work with his ideas but lately I have had an appointment for one of the four kids and or myself almost every weekday. When I finally have no appointments I am plum wore out. I don’t really mind the busyness, it’s just really hard to fit exercise in to it. I told him I am looking for a free or low priced working tread mill. I really believe at this time in my life that would benefit me and the kids as well. It is a subject that has been on my mind lately.

Levi’s autism causes him to be behind sometimes. But like many autistic kids, once he gets it he’s got it better then most and he’s got it forever. Often autistic kids are misunderstood as not having feelings. They do indeed have feelings but usually express them differently and have reasons other then the norm that cause them to become emotional. Because they have a need to understand things logically when they do become emotional they often do so from a very deep place inside of themselves.  I really enjoyed watching his sweetness last night. He was sensitive but not sad, just compassionate and wanted to be a part of helping his mom.

He told me after the conversation was about over what he does. He said when he wants to cry, it doesn’t mater where he is or who is around, he cries! And when he wants to yell, he yells and so on. This sort of behavior is often what gets autistic kids bullied. It’s difficult because as their parents we don’t want to change their realness, but, we do want to protect them. It’s a constant balancing act and is never a pat answer. He then told me that if I want to cry and other people don’t want me to that I should cry extra hard and loud. I love it!

my son and I

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Well, I got blamed…again…for being a bad influence on one of my daughters friends. This time it was the Catholic mom who basically chewed me out on the phone.

If someone is so afraid that their child is going to be de-converted and go to hell then why allow them to spend time at my house. I think inside she actually knows I am a good influence. But right now she’s scared, no, she’s terrified. And, she needs someone to blame. I’m not the only one. The girl has another adult friend who, I believe, is Catholic and her mom is also blaming him for putting the wrong thoughts in her daughters head.

The wrong thoughts are actually anything the mother disagrees with or she feels may give her daughter reason to be independent or something like that.

I am still rather naive about how Catholics operate and think. I’ve never actually attended a Catholic mass. Some day I will just for the experience. I was raised that Catholicism was actually bad and Catholics needed to be saved. When I became a pagan I found the Catholic superstitions rater interesting. Although they have been deadly to pagans in the past, their region is neck and neck with what many pagans believe and practice. I mean, Catholics get to pray to all kinds of people! So many to chose from! But still the Catholic religion is foreign to me mostly.

I made the mistake of reminding the mother of the scripture that says without faith you can’t please God. And how it is God that saves souls and one must trust him to do so. Though I am no longer a believer doesn’t mean I forgot all my Bible lessons. Especially since I lived those things daily for many many years. Still, I forgot how Catholics often don’t care about what the Bible says. She quickly reminded me of that. She told me one couldn’t just cherry pick what they wanted out of the Bible and make it mean what they want. She also said those scriptures were exactly what her daughter didn’t need to hear cause that would cause more trouble.

I then let her know that I have heard many stories of young people leaving their family’s faith only to return to it stronger after a few years or so. This actually calmed her down some. She’d heard those stories as well.

Her daughter is fifteen. A difficult age for any parent. It’s so easy to raise our teens out of fear. We see others make awful mistakes and maybe we have our own mistakes we regret and can’t take back so we put it all on the shoulders of our own kids and try to fix them when it’s ourselves that need fixing.

The more she pushes her daughter the more her daughter is going to run the other way. It’s so obvious but so hard to see when in the middle of it.

The thing I believe has set off her moms terror off is that the daughter has expressed her desire to leave Catholicism and to become a Christian and is starting to refuse to go to Church with her on Sunday. The mother believes it is a great sin not to go to Church on Sunday. She feels it the one time in the week to show God you appreciate all he has done for you and recognize you would not even be alive with out him.

I would like to encourage the daughter to suck it up and go to church with her mom. And I mostly have. However, there is another HUGE issue. Both their Catholic churches have deemed this girl demon possessed in the past. This was before the doctors got her medication straightened out. Apparently most the church members know this which makes her feel very uncomfortable every time she goes to church. I recommended she ask her mom to let her go to a different Catholic church. In our town there is a Polish Catholic that some very pleasant neighbors go to and I believe they would be happy to take her in on Sundays. She told me her mom doesn’t believe that Catholic church is good enough for some reason. I told her that at least it would be Catholic and not Christian. I don’t know if she will be able to ask her mom this. Some times it’s easier to push a family members buttons then to really say what needs to be said.

Today was Sunday and the young lady is staying with us a few days which is why all this came to an ugly head. As off key as her mother may have sounded I meant it when I told her I was glad she was talking to me about it. I let her know I can’t be on the same page as her if she didn’t tell me how she felt and what she wanted for her daughter. We ended the phone call with her requesting that my daughter attend services with them so her daughter would go. My daughter has been to their church before so she’s ahead of me on that experience. She’s also a really cool kid and stuff like religion doesn’t phase her. She finds it boring but for her friend she was willing to go and be a barrier between her friend and the judgmental people who fill those pews.

It is ironic though that the mom is terrified her daughter will become a Christian and leave her particular Catholic faith and blames an Atheist for this. If I wanted to turn her into me, or what I am, Christian is not even on the list!

catholic church

Just for the record…

I don’t make a habit of trying to de-convert other peoples children or even other people for that matter. Some people really need their faith to survive and some so they don’t go insane or what ever. If someones faith was destroying them and those around them then maybe I might have a few words of advise but Atheism isn’t something just anyone can accept. Hopefully a day will come when more and more people can start accepting themselves and believe in facts, but the way many of us are born and raised it will take some time. 

However…

I am all about encouraging everyone to get along and to stop trying to change others just cause they disagree and see things differently. I have seen people from different religions and walks of life get along and work together so I know it is possible and it’s important.

This may offend some folks and that is just too bad. If you are offended by the thought of getting along and working together for common good with out proselytizing, then you need to think long and hard about leaving the cult your in.

And this is where I insert a coexist sticker!

coexist

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I want to set the record straight.
I do not hate or hold bitterness toward Howard Turner or his wife Marcia Turner or anyone else who lorded over me while I was in the cult called United Fellowship House of Praise.
I also do not forgive them, not because I hold issues with them, but because I chose to let them go rather then to hold on to them through forgiveness. If I cared about them I would work toward forgiveness, but, they are a memory that I have used to make myself a better person, other then that, they mean nothing to me anymore. Not feeling anything towards ones old enemy is a very freeing feeling. For me this is more appropriate.

 

I also want to set the record straight that the Turners and others from that group were not the reason for my departure from Christianity or my reason for becoming wiccan, pagan, and then atheist. I have never been the kind of person that chooses a life path because of peer pressure or rebellion. Every now and then I get to learn about someone I thought knew me but never really did. Because if they did they would never assume this, they would know I have always lived an authentic life. Though I may have chosen life paths because of misinformation, it was still something I personally believed until I learned otherwise. When I was a Christian I was whole heatedly a Christian. No mater what other Christians did I was a believer in what Christ did, not humans. As a Wiccan I found a religion that promoted peace and love which was what I needed at the time. As a pagan I found a system of acceptance, not just people accepting me, which is nice, but people accepting each other from all walks of life. As an atheist I found what actually makes sense and adds up. It’s not always a world of love and peace, but I have noticed lately that more and more atheist are on a more humanistic path then the stereo type angry atheist of the past. But still, I’m not in it for love, peace or acceptance, but for what makes sense to me. Love, peace and acceptance are not dictated by religion or belief system, those attributes can be found anywhere and can only really be spotted once they personally start to grow inside the individual without religion, a group or another person dictating how, what or when it should grow. Not that religion, groups and other people can’t help, but as much as one may see how it has helped there is just as many who have seen how it can harm. When it’s growing inside you personally it grows from purity and it’s yours and it can not be taken away no matter what truth you uncover or where you go.

 

Also, if you think I blame God for past hurts then I suggest you look up the definition of atheist, you silly goose you!

 

One more thing to add. If you think I am personally writing about you I’m sorry to inform you I am not. I would not feel the need to set the record straight when I could just let you know what is really going on personally. I chose to blog about this because I have had many comments from various people about this subject. If you were or are a part of UFHOP I am not necessarily talking about you either. There were a few folks there who were not a part of using me or my family and some who may not have really been aware of what was actually going on. I do wish those people would take my word for it because I am not of the nature to lie about things and like I said before, “if you really knew me…” There are some folks I have intentionally forgiven because they have either asked for it or they have continued to be a part of my life in a positive way.

 

I understand some folks will disagree with me about the word forgiveness. It’s not just about dictionary definitions all the time, often it’s about how we feel about the word. Some of you may see my letting go as forgiveness and if that’s how you want to see it then that’s your business.

 

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Ok ok! I can’t say “let it go” without hearing Idina Menzel sing and Elsa spinning about just so so here! Happy Day to you!

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I wrote a response to a friend who has recently decided to not celebrate Easter due to it’s pagan origins but rather to recognize Passover.  I thought I’d share my response on here.

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Growing up in church I saw Christians celebrate the Easter holiday as a celebration of Christs great sacrifice and resurrection. They often gathered together early Sunday morning to watch the sun rise and reflect on the resurrection of whom they believed to be the Son of God and reflect on what it meant for them personally. I was taught about some of the pagan origins and the holiday is actually mentioned in the Bible as a time frame of when the resurrection occurred. (Acts 12:4) We saw it as just that, a time frame, not a replacement. Over time I learned that most the holidays have pagan roots but since I believed in celebrating salvation and Jesus everyday it didn’t matter. It wasn’t until I became subject to Elder Turner that celebrating holidays as a Christian and giving God the glory regardless of the history of that holiday became taboo. The only holiday we were allowed to celebrate was Thanksgiving. Funny about that is now I can find more wrong with Thanksgiving then the other holidays. Even our birthdays were not to be celebrated because it was a selfish act. It wasn’t leaving Christianity that freed me to celebrate the holidays so much as it was leaving that cult. I believe I had the right idea before, that everyday is holy no matter what religion claimed the day. Even now I celebrate the holidays if I have the energy to do so regardless of the fact that I do not see their history as fact. But I do see the necessity many of these holidays came from and the hope they have inspired in many in times of need. Most of the pagan holidays sprang up in a time of hopelessness and the holidays were put in place to help people get through the tough times. Over time those holidays took on other meanings and traditions but the original meaning was simply hope and thankfulness. That meaning is the same in all religions and all beliefs at the core. It’s people here and there who add and take away what they feel so inspired to add and take away. I don’t think there is anything wrong with promoting hope and a spirit of thankfulness regardless of what the holiday is called and what day it lands on. Regardless of wither you celebrate Easter or not I wish you a wonderful happy day!

 

189538_10150125044979834_2705353_nMy sister, cousin and I on Easter. I believe it was my aunt who got us the baskets and goodies and my mom who took us to church. I’m the one on the right.

 

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