Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

Romantic Awakening

A lousy poem by Lorenakoran


I was dormant

Not quite asleep

Lying there waiting

Not making a peep


The sky would turn

Muddy gray and white

I’d forget for a moment

Leaving space for the sky


I turned off so much

I didn’t even realize

How out of it I was

Till along came this guy


He made me no promise

He spoke what was true

He awoke my hopes

And set my dreams lose


What I really wanted
What I’ve never had
Only tastes and illusions

Crowded in my past


It felt good to remember

It felt good to hope and dream

But the truth sunk it later

I would go back to sleep


The gray sky is waiting

Back to my loveless coma

Remembering what was in my grasp

  That I didn’t quite have


Though it breaks my heart

And makes me cry

I don’t have regrets

I’ll find a way to fly


I hate that I don’t know when

Will it be tomorrow

Or years from now

Feeling is pain and pleasure


Eyes wide open

Mind alert

Knowing truth

So often hurts


I don’t want to go back to sleep

I wish there was a way

To stay in the moment

Never let it go away



My best friend


My biggest enemy



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I have this crazy evolution of dreams I have apparently been going through all of my life. Due to having what I call “excessive” sleep paralysis as a kid, teen and in my early adult years, I’ve had to learn how to handle it and how to handle the nightmares that came with it. Quite some time back I learned some lucid dreaming without even knowing that name.


I’ve written before about how I didn’t know about sleep paralysis and was taught and believed during the time I had it often that it was caused by demonic attacks. So I won’t go much into that now. However, knowing that background about me, it is understandable that my first inclination in a sleep paralysis or night mare state is religious in nature. During my first sleep paralysis after leaving Christianity I aromatically called on Jesus for his help. My mind quickly challenged me with, “but you don’t believe in Jesus anymore”. I countered my own mind confidently back with, “you’re right, I don’t” And then took my own steps to wake myself up. This was also before I knew the name sleep paralysis and the science behind it.


What I’ve learned in the sleeping world hasn’t just been about sleep paralysis, it’s been a lot about nightmares as well and even just dreams in general. Thanks to dream expert Laurie Lowenberg  from the Dream Zone which I learned about from 95.5 WIFC, I learned that dreams are psychological. They basically tell us in abstract what we are thinking and understand deep in our minds that we don’t even know we know.


While awake we aren’t always good listeners, even to ourselves. We see things and hear things that we don’t even notice or remember. And in real life we have limitations, whereas in dream life, we have none. So we can go all abstract in our thinking and reveal and figure things out that we can not do in the awake world. However, translating the abstract from dream to reality can be difficult. Which is where a dream expert can come in handy. I have paid attention and figured a lot out by listening to Laurie’s show segments on the radio and reading her articles and other things written by experts, just working through the puzzle, and by figuring out what makes sense and adds up.


It’s rare for me to have nightmares anymore. When I do have one I figured it out as soon as I fell that strange feeling and then I deal with it. I’ve felt like the nightmare imp was getting disappointed in me. lol Of course that so called imp would be part of my own psyche. So instead of scary things chasing me or scary things happening to me, people from my past started making appearances. It wasn’t scary but I woke up disturbed. I’ve had some break throughs in that area so that hasn’t happened in a while.

Last night I tread on new dream territory, new to me anyway. I don’t recall the dream leading up to it, but I remember going into a small room with a lamp light on. I flipped the light switch on the wall to turn on the main light which came on but then the lamp light went out. This made me curious so I  attempted to turn that lamp back on. When I did that the main light went off. There ended up being three lights and I couldn’t get two or all of them on at the same time. I do recall that there was a person in the hall that I was making comments to about this expressing how odd it was.  And then I felt it, that nightmare feeling of fear, like a ghost just entered your dream and is messing with you. I knew something was wrong. My first inclination was to call on Jesus. Talk about “old habits die hard.” I caught myself right away and decided to go ahead and chant the word “Jesus” cause it felt good to chant something. Since leaving religion I’ve found that many religious things like prayer and chanting do have some value cause they can help calm us and/or get our minds off things so we can think clearer. While I chanted my mind was racing, then suddenly I  thought, “I wonder if this is a dream?” Then everything went black.


This wasn’t actually from my dream. Lol! I wish I could record my dreams. That would be so cool!

I could feel the fear sensation get stronger. But I wasn’t afraid, I was waiting, waiting to see what would happen. The blackness only lasted a moment then everything around me changed to gray. The kind of gray you see when you are in a super thick fog but without the moisture. The fear sensation grew, I could hear and feel the pressure of it in my head. I stood there looking into the gray nothingness, feeling the fear but not feeling afraid. I considered that possibly the chemical that our body releases for caution that usually is translated as fear was likely released in my body. So I just virtually stood there feeling it yet not being emotionally affected by it. It was intense and something I’ve never experienced before.



It didn’t last long. I calmly opened my eyes into the awake world. I didn’t like the left over feeling but immediately decided it was time to turn over. So I did, then fell back asleep peacefully.


Truth is… I’ve been having guy trouble. Lol!



Bill Nye is currently still not my boyfriend, never met me, and still doesn’t even know I exist.

This is the second time since I decided that I might be ready for a relationship that a guy has deceived me. Thankfully I did not get into a relationship with either of them,  I just had hopes and no signals that they were not interested in me at all after expressing to them how I felt. When I like someone I really care about them, so I get hurt easy and quick. I really wanted to believe that this latest guy was genuine but it was all just “artificial light”. He kept everything vague and at a distance and then started sending mixed messages which explained the lights taking turns turning off and on again. This guy is on the high IQ geek side. My ex is a high IQ geek. It was hard at first to not see all high IQ geeks as people like my ex. But that wasn’t fair so I have done my best to put that prejudice off and give high IQ geek like people a chance.  It’s really not been an issue anymore for a while now.

I saw some of those characteristics like my ex in this guy but I liked some things about him too and wanted to give him a chance. When he started sending the mixed messages I was a bit confused and hurt. Thankfully a friend helped me put it behind me and let it go. And thankfully my mind knew and was trying to help me too. I don’t like feeling confused and not knowing what is going on so I just feel so much better now that I get it and can move forward mentally.


I admit, smart intelligent men are attractive to me. But so is kindness, honesty, affection, thoughtfulness, non-whinnyness. Oh, and NO F’n games! 

I really got a kick out of being in that dream state knowing I was in a dream and knowing the fear I felt was likely chemical and I didn’t have to respond to it but just be there and let it go it’s course and then be done. If it’s happened before I don’t recall it. I’ve known I was dreaming on many occasions, but not this new chemical caution/fear recognition. It was pretty cool.




I copied most of the pictures from Bing Images.

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Nov. 6, 2014

I had a dream two nights ago that stuck with me after waking. I knew my brain was trying to tell me something because it was so unusual and disturbing. When I tell you the dream it may not seem disturbing to you, well, it will depend.

I dreamed I was with some folks (I don’t actually recall seeing their faces) in a back yard type setting with a small pool. The pool was filthy with algae and just gross looking  murky muddy water. On one side of the dirty pool were some dishes. I felt the need to wash the dishes so I got in the nasty pool in order to do so. Once I was in the water I also felt the need to clean the edges of the pool where the dirty water was leaving a mark. However, it didn’t take me long to contemplate how if I were to start washing the sides of the pool the dirty water would just make it dirty again and not only the sides of the pool but the same would affect the dishes.

dirty dishes

So, I got out of the pool and took the dishes into the house. By the way, the property and the dishes did not belong to me. I just had a sense of natural obligation.

I set the dishes in the sink and was about to proceed with washing them when the same thought about the pools dirty water came to mind about the sink. I realized the sink was in very poor condition. The drain, for one, was very big, likely broken. I could see into it too well. I knew that I could not get the dishes clean under the current sink circumstances.

That was when I made the decision to walk away. There was nothing at the moment I could do and it wasn’t even my responsibility. I decided the owner needed to first fix the sink before anything more could be done. It was their responsibility.

I spent the first part of the next day contemplating the dream when I had the time. Week day mornings are mostly about getting four kids up, ready and out the door in time for school. So my personal thoughts get interrupted often. But light did break though and it became very clear what my mind was telling me.

I’ve made a new friend. She’s a single mom, recently broken up with an abusive guy and she’s fun to be around and talk with. She has her own hell she’s lived through and isn’t quite out of yet. The issue that gets most the attention is her teen sons bad and disrespectful attitudes. Some of the things she’s told me they have said to her made me wonder if there was people still in her life that disrespect her in front of her kids. I was right. Her parents tell her off, belittle her and so on right in front of her own kids. As you can imagine her self confidence and self love is in the pits.

I can’t tell her how to fix her kids or her parents but I have offered some ideas and insight. That and the need for her to love and stand up for herself. Most my advice has been about standing up for herself. I felt she has received enough advice on her sons and how to handle their behavior. However, it seems when it comes down to it she is focused mostly on how to handle them. Not that I blame her.

After thinking about my dream the conclusion came to me that the dream was about her and my relationship. Her kids and parents are like the dirty dishes. Yes, they need to be dealt with, cleaned up, so to speak. But until she loves her self and respects herself she is going to only be dealing with the dirty dishes with her own dirty water. She needs to clean out her system first, then she can tackle the other issues and even receive help and advice that can be put to good and effective use.


As far as where I come in, I believe it is best if I back off concerning her kids and parents and ex and just help her focus on bettering herself, loving herself.  Sure, it’s pretty much what I’ve been doing but it could be easy to slip into trying to fix everything else if I don’t watch it. There is all kinds of good advise on how to handle kids and family and abusive ex’s but it won’t improve if one isn’t improving ones self. It’s not my job to fix her. But I can be there for her and point in the right direction.

Some belittled oppressed woman seem like lost causes. It’s likely because they wallow and seem to enjoy their problems. I have wondered a few times why I enjoy my new friends company while I don’t enjoy some other peoples company with issues as well. I believe it’s because the other people wallow in their problems and no matter what you say they are not really interested in getting or becoming better. I do believe my new friend is interested in improving herself. It makes being around her like, well, fresh water. I believe it’s in her to change. Sure it won’t happen over night. She’s taken years to get where she is, it’s gonna take time to restore and build self love. But as long as she stays on the road to possibility she will get there.


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I recalled a nightmare I had as a kid due to watching a commercial and told my girls about it. It totally freaked my oldest out which I found funny. That got me thinking about other nightmares that I had as a young child that are still pretty vivid or at least I clearly remember them to this day. So, I thought I’d share!

The one I told my daughter was about this nightmare where there was this small creature with giant eyes. I don’t believe the creature ever actually did anything harmful but it had a very scary freaky feel about it causing my dream to be a nightmare. I don’t remember much more other than this big eyed creature that I’d never seen before. A few days later after the dream my family and I were driving somewhere and passed a large bill board sign possibly for something like the Wild Animal Park and on the picture there was the exact same looking big eyed creature I saw in my dream. It was a bush baby. I remember being a bit confused as to wither bush babies were actually evil or not. After all I was pretty young. Still, after a while I decided they were just an animal and couldn’t possibly be a demon or some evil thing come to life.

bushbaby1                                                                                         ( I found this picture of a bushbaby (Galagos) on line.)

When my sister and I had bunk beds I utilized the bottom one and she had the top. She is three years older then me, by the way. One night I talked my sister and my parents into letting me sleep on the top for the night. I didn’t make it all the way through the night because as I lay there either asleep or awake, not sure which, I suddenly say a giant face of King Kong directly facing my face about a foot or so sway. I never wanted to sleep on the top bunk of that bed again.

rgh                                                                         (King Kong poster from 1976 that I found on Google images.)

I don’t remember the order of those two dreams but I’m pretty sure this next one was after those two because after this particular nightmare my nightmares took on a whole new dimension.

I was in bed. I don’t recall going to sleep but I may have. In real life my mom and my sister were still up and my mom was helping my sister pack for camp in her room. I lay there watching them from my bed. My parents room was directly across the hall from mine and my bed was on the same side as the door so I could see what they were doing. I heard them mention me and assume I was asleep. I attempted to tell them that I was actually still awake but found to my horror I couldn’t speak. I then also learned that I couldn’t move either. I kept trying to yell out to them cause by this point I felt I needed help but I couldn’t. I now understand that it’s called sleep paralysis. While in that state of horror and frustration I looked up and saw a pair of hands with long fingers and long nails come out of the ceiling towards me. It didn’t come further then just above the elbows so I never saw the face or body. The arms and hands were waving as if trying to get me. Eventually I was able to fight through and wake myself up. Of course I immediately called my mom and sister in a panic.

Disney-Oz-Nails1                                                            (The hands and arms weren’t actually green. I just like this picture.)

Later when my dad heard about it he said he had dreams like that too and found that he had them when he was laying on his back. He suggested I always lay on my side to avoid those kind of nightmares. He also told me about some of the crazy dreams he had as a kid. I remember the one where in his dream he was being chased and ran to his parents room. In real life he actually did run to his parents room and rudely woke them up by pulling the sheets and blankets off them and falling on the floor. It was hilarious to hear but terrifying for him when he had actually gone through it.

Nightmares for my dad as a kid weren’t surprising though since his mom had a thing for telling him and his two sisters horror stories just before bed. Thankfully my parents believed that was wrong and didn’t do such things. They were also very careful about how much TV we watched and what we watched. From what I can remember it was always kid and family friendly TV shows for us. My mom did read to us as we drifted off to sleep from either the Bible or missionary stories. Even then it wasn’t graphic and though the Bible can be graphic I don’t remember it ever really bothering me. What bothered my sister and I most was although my mom told us we should drift off to sleep she couldn’t stop herself from asking us questions about what she was reading. How were we supposed to drift off to sleep and answer her question about the reading material at the same time. Kids are smart and we did come up with a solution that wold serve me well as well as hinder me the rest of my life. We learned to recognize her inflections and know whither to give a yes grunt or a no grunt, thus drift off to somewhat asleep and still able to answer her with out actually knowing what the question really was.

kids shows 1970s (Type of shows we watched. My mom liked to watch TV and movies but, since I can remember, she would get overloaded and annoyed quickly. After we moved on the boat we didn’t have a TV. )

I don’t recall wither I had another sleep paralysis episode the remainder of my time living in a house as a child. I do recall that after moving on the boat at about the age of ten some time later they became almost a regular thing for me to have. My mom would pray and try to figure out why I got “demonic attacks” (a we called them then) so much. She started noticing a pattern and deducted that I had the problem when ever she and my older sister, Kari, fought and then went to bed with out making up. Naturally I hated having sleep paralysis so then I wouldn’t go to sleep till they made up. Some times they would hit the hey and fall asleep right away and I would lay there awake terrified of having another “demonic attack’. After a while I would wake them up and plead with them to make up so I could go to sleep. Thankfully they got it and would oblige me.

One time while stuck in sleep paralysis and trying desperately to get out of it I heard my sister roll over and rebuke the devil in Jesus name out loud in her sleep. I woke immediately and started thanking her. At first she wondered why and when I told her she did remember rebuking the devil and didn’t know why she had. She was happy that she did and that it helped me break free.

For the remainder of my life on the boat, ( to the age of 19) I would have sleep paralysis from time to time. At that time the only thing I figured out was that if I let go and didn’t fight it I felt like I was going deeper into it so I continued praying, rebuking the devil and fighting to get out. Later after moving off the boat I met a lady named Monica who taught me that saying “thank you Jesus” the whole time would break me free. I tried it the next sleep paralysis I had. I just kept repeating “Thank you Jesus” over and over and eventually I woke feeling a bit less wore out then usual. As time went by I learned new techniques. One time I was just plain exhausted and didn’t want to fight. Even though saying “Thank you Jesus” was less stressful it still took mental effort to keep it up and sometimes my virtual mouth felt like a rag was stuffed in it and I couldn’t talk, or get thoughts out clearly. So this one time when I was exhausted I felt myself going into sleep paralysis so I virtually told the devil that he could go ahead and do that to me forever but that he would have to listen to me praise Jesus the whole time. I woke immediately. Another time I felt myself going into sleep paralysis while resting on the couch I was able to get garbled noises out to my mom who actually heard me this time. She came over to me and slightly lifted me causing me to wake. Then she started to lay me down and I felt myself go back into it. I panicked and made odd noises again causing her to lift me to a sitting position again and thus fully waking me. She was just about as horrified about it as I was. Mostly though in my early adult life I learned to deal with the sleep paralysis in different ways. I felt it was actually teaching me a lot and what I learned could somehow be used in the real (awake) world. As I got older the sleep paralysis got less. It didn’t go away but it just was less often.

Over the last five or so years since leaving religion I have only had a few sleep paralysis episodes. I remember one time rebuking the devil and then hearing my subconscious challenge me because I wasn’t a “believer” anymore. I acknowledged that it was true but I am what I am and I have good reason for what I believe and don’t believe so tough! And then I woke! The other two or maybe three times I have had it I refused to be scared and woke with a smile on my face. Nightmares for me now are still rare and usually are about past events like when I was in that cult I was in. As I deal with myself and finding my inner peace and balance those have gotten more few and far between.

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I’m a believer in dreams, both awake ones and sleeping ones. I believe it’s good to have both and they can in rich ones life.

I don’t always remember my sleeping dreams and when I do if I don’t write it down or talk about it right away I usually forget what it was I dreamed pretty quickly. I understand that if I would write them down as soon as I wake I would improve my dream memory, but, “NOBODY’S GOT TIME FOR DAT!”. Well, maybe I have time, I don’t know about you, but when I first wake up the last thing I wanna do is go hunting around for a pen and paper. I have in the past had a pen and paper near the bed but that doesn’t mean I can find it when I have just woken up and if I do find it I’m clumsy as all get out and usually bump it and it falls on the floor or behind the bed side table or something like that. So, I tell myself if I rethink the dream and go over it real good in my head I’ll remember it. Sadly that actually doesn’t work for me.


Dreams, while sleeping, are a great place to work things out though. They are a place where there is no time or laws like gravity and so on. So you can try what would normally be the impossible. When you have no limits you have more room for figuring things out. Even nightmares are great training places. I often tell people that if there is a scary creature in your dream chasing you, stop running, turn around and attempt to give the scary thing a big hug. I say attempt because the odds are you will never actually get to hug it, it will either suddenly go away or the dream will suddenly change. Laughing at something scary in the dream can also have the same effect. There is exceptions but that is the general thing that will happen. Now, when you’re awake and you are faced with something scary, actually hugging it may be a terrible and dangerous thing to do. But, the concept is still true. Hugging the scary in your dream is a metaphor, which is what most dreams are made of. I explained the concept of “running to the roar” to my daughter the other night. While still trying to get it she asked if that would actually work in real life with a real lion. I told her I didn’t know and hoped to never have to be in that situation. But the concept is still good for everyday experiences we do face.

Inception-2(Pic from Inception)

In case you are unfamiliar with the concept of “running to the roar”, I’ll go over it real quick. They say… an old lion with rotten teeth and such will roar real loud to get the animals to run away. On the other side where the animals are running away to there’s waiting the rest of the younger lions ready to attack the on coming food. So, basically if the animals would actually run to where they hear the roar their chance of survival is actually grater.

article-2413332-1BA52E4B000005DC-407_634x343(From Katie Perry’s Eye of the Tiger video. I know, it’s not a lion, but it’s the same idea. And a really cool pic!)

While we may not face an actual old lion or the scary monster from our dream we do face our own fears and difficulties on a regular basis. Our monster may be a bully at school, a mean boss, a test, a ladder, a spider and so on and so on.


When I was nineteen I decided it was time to conquer being shy. I had a fear of people and I also had a fear of handling money. I was working at Burger King at the time so I had the opportunity to face both monsters at the same time. I had become an expert at everything in the back of the restaurant so now it was time to push myself to the front. I told my boss I wanted to learn the register. I remember him replying, “are you sure?” So he put me on the register and started training me. For the most part it worked. I got over my fear of people and I wasn’t afraid to handle money any more. I’m not a mathematically inclined type person so I have never wanted to go into anything finance related to this day, but I was satisfied to not be intimidated by it. Although I got over my shyness and when I mention that I still have moments of shyness people think it’s funny, it’s true. I do have moments of shyness but I have learned and taught myself how to get past it when needed. For one, in the past I lost out on a lot of opportunities because of being shy which is one of the many reasons I set out to conquer it. So even now I still give myself pep talks in order to build the necessary courage. I do it in my head which is why most folks laugh when I mention my occasional shyness.

coronado.ferry.shops(Burger King at the Old Ferry Landing.)

I used to have horrible nightmares, most ended with night paralysis. Facing my sleep nightmares initially made me stronger inside as well. Sure, it’s not exactly the same. But when you really investigate a dream and why you had it you can learn a lot for when you’re awake.

A recent dream I had comes to mind. I dreamed I was visiting an old folks type home. There were several grown children of the old folks there taking care of their parents. Suddenly I became very sad, I was regretting not having any children. I realized that when I get old I wont have anyone to look after me and take care of me and love me like the folks I saw around me at the home. I was overwhelmed with grief. It was one of those dreams were the emotion feels so real that when you wake you have to tell yourself it was a dream and not reality. After getting that into my head I thought the dream was just odd. Then I started really thinking about what it could have meant. I believe the answer is actually obvious. I am thankful for my four children and I do not regret having them, but I will admit there are times I wonder what life would have been like if I had not had any kids. I always conclude that I would have regretted it cause I know myself and even on very difficult moments I know this is true. I believe the dream is just confirming the same thing.

I had another dream recently that I can’t quite figure out still. I dreamed my kids and I were taking a tour of a military facility. We stopped at this one desk and this man began giving us a safety warning. Hannah and I were listening but Kara was meandering away. I kept trying to get her attention because I felt it was important for her to hear what the man had to say. Finally she focused and listened but instead of the man repeating the warning he just went on about something else that wasn’t important. Now, I get this part of the dream, it totally adds up and relates to how I struggle with Kara sometimes. It’s the next part that I don’t get.

The next part of the dream Kyle, my eight year old, was dressed up as an old fashioned little Dutch girl. There were two ladies near by who thought he was just the cutest thing ever. One of them just couldn’t seem to help herself and picked him up to give him a tight squeeze. I knew he wouldn’t like this so I tried to get him back from her but she held on. He wasn’t complaining but I could tell he didn’t care for it.


Now that I am writing this down I am actually starting to get it. How funny! I’m thinking that lady may be a part of me. After all, Kyle is my youngest and he’s adorable when he’s not being a brat. His not really complaining makes sense too because so far he is trying to hold on to being part baby himself. It really is a struggle it seems for both of us.

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Last night I dreamed of several folks from my past. Two of which passed away a while ago.

One was Doug Young. I wish I could remember everything but all that comes back to my mind was something to do with him fixing stuff and he was very cheerful.

youngs(Doug and family)

I also dreamed of the Turners, my old church leaders from UFHOP who I consider cult leaders. I don’t remember the details of the dream but I do recall that in it they were “back” and they were starting up a service and ushering everyone inside the room where the service was being held, except me. They knew I wouldn’t be a part of it and they were right.

ufhop turners(Old photo of members and leader (Elder Howard Turner) of United Fellowship House of Praise)

The last part of the dream my mom and dad were in. My dad is the other person who passed away a while back. I don’t recall anymore then that they were in the end part of the dream and it left me with a positive feeling.

Bob and Joan - Copy(My mom and dad, Bob and Joan.)

When I dream of the Turners I label the dream a nightmare. I could handle night paralysis better then dreaming of them. To me they were the real nightmare. However, this time it didn’t bother me. I didn’t exactly enjoy it and in the dream I wasn’t too happy about all the people they still had fooled and were under their influence but I also didn’t let it get to me. Upon waking it didn’t haunt my mind like dreaming of them usually does.

The Turners 001(The Turners at the HDC where I used to work.)

Up until recently they were the only people I refused to forgive. In all scary honesty, I felt the only way I would feel relieved of them was to stab them in the heart and watch the life drain from their eyes. I would never actually do that but it was the only way my mind wanted to virtually deal with them. I’ve never felt that way about anyone else I know in my life, just them. I understand that not forgiving is like shackling ones self to the person you don’t forgive. But, I just couldn’t handle the idea of letting them get away with taking away the majority of my life.  I was under their command from the age of 19 to 38. That’s all of my twenties and most of my thirties and I could never get those years back.

79349-34-e1379909642611(Some folks will “get” this pic.)

I’ve been reading The Secret and about a week or so ago something in there clicked and made me face the fact that I need to let my resentment toward the Turners go. I mean, I already knew that at the front of my head but I hadn’t let the knowledge sink in and be acted on. I often psychoanalyze myself, it’s kind of a habit. So, looking inside I would have to say it’s likely I felt they need to be punished and as many bad things that have happened to them they haven’t changed, they keep going along the same psychopathic path and somehow fooling people as they go. But then again, that’s what psychopaths do. Oh, they’ve “repented” for stuff and pointed out their wrong doing as long as it was for their benefit in the long run. But, if you keep listening and become a fly on the wall you will eventually hear them explain why what they repented for wasn’t actually wrong but that they needed to repent out loud so certain people wouldn’t leave the church cause their souls were at stake. Oh my goodness! I’ve heard them say this type of things so very many times.

When looking through the first half of The Secret for what ever it was I read about forgiveness that found a way through my brain I couldn’t find it. But as I was skip reading I did find the chapter that focused on the extreme positive emotion called Love. I think that actually was what got through to me. I do remember thinking, “I’m not ready to love them, but it’s about time I forgive and let it go.” I wasn’t sure exactly how effective that thought was but it seems from my dream last night that it was indeed effective after all. In the dream I was a little disappointed that friends were still being fooled by them but not enough to ruin my emotions and qualify as a nightmare. I saw it for what it was and moved on. And really, I am very grateful it’s not me that’s included in the group of fools. I’m thankful I didn’t feel the need to fit in and join them and not feel left out, obligated, or afraid. I’ve come to far, suffered to much and gained too much wisdom to back peddle. And that’s a good thing!

Our sleeping dream world is a place without limits for us to work out ideas and issues as well as sort through things. It’s also a place where we can take our virtual temperature and find out how we really are doing. In all it’s strange surrealness it can show us reality. Last night, my temp was pretty good! 

winter_dreaming(Josephine Wall’s Winter Dreaming)  

I may have bothered some with my extreme honesty about how I used to feel about the Turners. In my opinion, how can I expect to help others if I am afraid of what people will think of me and hide dirty little details in order to make others think I’m this awesome perfect non-human person. No thank you! I prefer to remain real, honest and an open book.  Just like one must love and forgive others to be free and move on, one must also love and forgive ones self in order to be free and move on as well.

Today is the day before Halloween and soon it will be Samhain. For many pagans this is the time the veil between dimensions is thinnest and one can communicate with loved ones who have passed on. Some don’t feel the need to communicate but to just remember and appreciate loved ones who have died.  As I was writing this and looking through old pictures I found one with the old church group and in it was my dad, Doug and Diane, all friends who have passed on some time back. They’re loved ones i am happy to have known and happy to remember and appreciate.  I understand many of my atheist friends think it’s silly and annoying to think that loved ones who have passed away may be watching over us and helping us, but the odd thing is, the Christian faith i was raised in felt the same way. Except instead of believing they ceased to exist we were taught they went on to either heaven or hell and  that’s it. Any watching over us was done by Jesus or the angels or if something was wrong then demons.  It seems when people become radical they often end up in the same boat. I am happy to have room in my brain to believe it is possible that loved ones who have passed on may possibly be able to assist us who are considered living.  Wither it’s true or not, it’s not a sin, it’s a comforting thought and for some it’s gets them by day by day.

If you’re interested in learning more about the truth behind Samhian besides not reading about it from Christian sources cause they are often full of propaganda I suggest you check out this simple link – http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/samhainoctober31/p/Samhain_History.htm.

67056_570320059683613_589377180_n(I don’t know who wrote this Samhain prayer but i thought it was lovely. I found it on Facebook.)

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I sit on my bed
lonely in my head
there was a time I was ok

I created a life
free of mental strife
for a moment I was care free

Out of the blue
you came along
filling my head with a happy song
somewhere in the moment I let go

I lost my ability to not need a man
though you never promised me your hand
I just let hope take me for a ride

For a moment I started to feel alright
now seeing your face my throat gets tight
and tears well up in my eyes

Why did I mindlessly break lose
allowing myself to drift in disappointments flow
you were just a mirage calling to me
it’s a mystery if you even know


I wrote this one 6/3/13

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