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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

If you’ve read my blog you already know I’ve had to deal with chronic sleep paralysis for a large portion of my life. For those who haven’t I’ll give you a brief history.

 

It started when I was under the age of nine. I don’t actually know how young I was but I was old enough to remember it. Of course it was traumatic so it’s no wonder I remember. That first episode took place while we still lived in the house in Orange County. I don’t recall having any more episodes there but it’s possible I forgot. I do remember them being what I call chronic sometime after moving on the boat.

My dad said he had them as a child as well along with vivid nightmares that he sometimes would end up sleepwalking with. So, I’m not sure it was actually sleep paralysis for him or not. But I do know sleep paralysis can lead to very vivid nightmares. I was also a sleep walker but that was not attached to the sleep paralysis episodes for me.

Through out my teens I had the most episodes of sleep paralysis. My mother discovered that it often happened after she and my sister had a fight, which was often. So she suggested the two of them make up before going to sleep so I wouldn’t have the “attack”. And when I say attack, I mean “demonic attack” because that is what she believed it was. She thought that because I was being targeted because I was the youngest and most vulnerable.

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So, most my life I dealt with sleep paralysis as though it were demonic attacks. And as you’ve likely figured out already, that idea makes them so much worse.

 

For those who don’t know what sleep paralysis is, I’ll explain real quick. It’s when the chemical in you body that causes you to not act out your dreams doesn’t recede in time so you wake while it’s still present which means you are temporarily paralyzed until it finished receding. The best way I know of to handle it is to relax and let it finish receding. It’s a time you can use to just chill or even play with it. While in that state you can also lucid dream. Since you are still in a dream like state you can fly, jump high, and do whatever amazing thing you like cause there are no laws of gravity and so on to stop you. Fighting it wears you out, it’s better to relax.

When you’ve had years and years of dealing with it as demonic oppression it takes more than a notion to just relax and enjoy the ride. I’ve had to have talks with myself and help myself get out of the nightmare and not fight and take it easy and maybe have some fun.

By the way, I didn’t know the science behind it till a few years ago. Although I stopped believing it was demonic attacks, I really had no idea what was happening so it was still pretty scary.

 

As a Christian who believed in demons and believed it was demonic attacks , naturally I dealt with it from a “spiritual” aspect. I used my beliefs in Jesus to “overcome” it. Although I was harmfully misinformed I did learn a great deal from these terrifying episodes. Some of the lessons were actually very helpful in real life. But, like I mentioned before, I’ve written about this before and this blog is about my latest experience.

In my twenties and thirties I rarely had sleep paralysis but I did experience it from time to time. After leaving Christianity I still automatically reverted to my religious way of dealing with it. It was a life time habit. Those things don’t just go away. When I have several not far apart from each other I stop dealing with them religiously and do what I know is better and  more effective. I don’t really enjoy it most of the time though. There’s been some exceptions. When I don’t have it for long periods of time I revert to my default settings of fighting it with religious ideas. However, my brain always has a conversation with me about it in the dream state and reminds me that I no longer believe in such myths. It’s actually always quite an interesting conversation I have with myself. Lol! Once I do fully wake up I find it very interesting and entertaining, and I usually learn something new.

Okay! So, here’s my latest sleep paralysis experience.

It happened about three nights ago. I was dreaming about something and in the dream I laid down to rest. While laying there I felt a presence start to lay on top of me, a freaky scary presence. This is a common start to sleep paralysis for many people, btw. Even folks who are not spiritual.

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My automated system came online so I called out to Jesus to help me. Then I heard a voice challenge me by reminding me that I didn’t believe in Jesus. I playfully challenged back, “Yeah, but he was a nice guy!” Not that I believe in him, I was having fun challenging the voice back. Of course the voice was my own, and I do challenge myself awake, so it’s no surprise that I would do it in my sleep state as well. Than Satan was brought up. I shrugged and said I didn’t believe in Satan. I than started singing a fun church song. I was challenged about that as well but I ignored the challenge. I decided that as long as it made me feel better it didn’t matter. Singing has always helped me deal with fear. It gives me courage and helps me think things through.

And thinking is exactly what I did. I thought about hypnotism and how people use the “one, two, three, wake up” method to bring people out of it. I wondered if that would work for me. I decided to give it a try and right away started the count. While counting my mind reminded me that one had to be told to do it first in order for it to work. Not that I’m an expert, I’m far from that… Or am I? Lol!  But I was already in the count so I finished it with the “wake up”. When I finished I felt a jolt on my right side by my eye area as if that area had dislodged from the paralysis. I’m not saying it did, just that that’s how it felt.  So, this time I told myself that when I counted to three and said “wake up”I was to wake up. I counted, I said “wake up,” and immediately my eyes opened and I was fully awake.

Yeah, I was actually shocked. But happy. It was just so strange yet cool. The science behind it? Well, I’m sure there is some but I don’t know what it is yet. The brain is so very interesting. It’s possible anything would have worked because maybe the paralysis chemical had already receded. Or, maybe not and there more to it. Even if it did receded already, waking one self from the dream state can still be difficult. Possibly the hypnosis thing worked for that.  I’d love to know! I’m sure there are folks that will still try to attach something spiritual to this. To them I will “smile and wave” and keep learning the real facts instead of the alternative “facts” .

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I don’t look forward to trying it again. I don’t look forward to having sleep paralysis period. Though I know one can have fun with it, I have too much baggage, lol. It’s more than just dealing with it, it’s also dealing with my past which makes it tasking. But, I do enjoy the stuff I learn and experience when they are over. It’s really quite interesting.

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I thought this pic was funny. And funny thing about it, after mentioning to my daughter that I had a sleep paralysis episode she said it was likely due to the cat sleeping on me. The cat didn’t actually do that, but it’s still funny.

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I have this crazy evolution of dreams I have apparently been going through all of my life. Due to having what I call “excessive” sleep paralysis as a kid, teen and in my early adult years, I’ve had to learn how to handle it and how to handle the nightmares that came with it. Quite some time back I learned some lucid dreaming without even knowing that name.

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I’ve written before about how I didn’t know about sleep paralysis and was taught and believed during the time I had it often that it was caused by demonic attacks. So I won’t go much into that now. However, knowing that background about me, it is understandable that my first inclination in a sleep paralysis or night mare state is religious in nature. During my first sleep paralysis after leaving Christianity I aromatically called on Jesus for his help. My mind quickly challenged me with, “but you don’t believe in Jesus anymore”. I countered my own mind confidently back with, “you’re right, I don’t” And then took my own steps to wake myself up. This was also before I knew the name sleep paralysis and the science behind it.

 

What I’ve learned in the sleeping world hasn’t just been about sleep paralysis, it’s been a lot about nightmares as well and even just dreams in general. Thanks to dream expert Laurie Lowenberg  from the Dream Zone which I learned about from 95.5 WIFC, I learned that dreams are psychological. They basically tell us in abstract what we are thinking and understand deep in our minds that we don’t even know we know.

 

While awake we aren’t always good listeners, even to ourselves. We see things and hear things that we don’t even notice or remember. And in real life we have limitations, whereas in dream life, we have none. So we can go all abstract in our thinking and reveal and figure things out that we can not do in the awake world. However, translating the abstract from dream to reality can be difficult. Which is where a dream expert can come in handy. I have paid attention and figured a lot out by listening to Laurie’s show segments on the radio and reading her articles and other things written by experts, just working through the puzzle, and by figuring out what makes sense and adds up.

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It’s rare for me to have nightmares anymore. When I do have one I figured it out as soon as I fell that strange feeling and then I deal with it. I’ve felt like the nightmare imp was getting disappointed in me. lol Of course that so called imp would be part of my own psyche. So instead of scary things chasing me or scary things happening to me, people from my past started making appearances. It wasn’t scary but I woke up disturbed. I’ve had some break throughs in that area so that hasn’t happened in a while.

Last night I tread on new dream territory, new to me anyway. I don’t recall the dream leading up to it, but I remember going into a small room with a lamp light on. I flipped the light switch on the wall to turn on the main light which came on but then the lamp light went out. This made me curious so I  attempted to turn that lamp back on. When I did that the main light went off. There ended up being three lights and I couldn’t get two or all of them on at the same time. I do recall that there was a person in the hall that I was making comments to about this expressing how odd it was.  And then I felt it, that nightmare feeling of fear, like a ghost just entered your dream and is messing with you. I knew something was wrong. My first inclination was to call on Jesus. Talk about “old habits die hard.” I caught myself right away and decided to go ahead and chant the word “Jesus” cause it felt good to chant something. Since leaving religion I’ve found that many religious things like prayer and chanting do have some value cause they can help calm us and/or get our minds off things so we can think clearer. While I chanted my mind was racing, then suddenly I  thought, “I wonder if this is a dream?” Then everything went black.

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This wasn’t actually from my dream. Lol! I wish I could record my dreams. That would be so cool!

I could feel the fear sensation get stronger. But I wasn’t afraid, I was waiting, waiting to see what would happen. The blackness only lasted a moment then everything around me changed to gray. The kind of gray you see when you are in a super thick fog but without the moisture. The fear sensation grew, I could hear and feel the pressure of it in my head. I stood there looking into the gray nothingness, feeling the fear but not feeling afraid. I considered that possibly the chemical that our body releases for caution that usually is translated as fear was likely released in my body. So I just virtually stood there feeling it yet not being emotionally affected by it. It was intense and something I’ve never experienced before.

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It didn’t last long. I calmly opened my eyes into the awake world. I didn’t like the left over feeling but immediately decided it was time to turn over. So I did, then fell back asleep peacefully.

 

Truth is… I’ve been having guy trouble. Lol!

 

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Bill Nye is currently still not my boyfriend, never met me, and still doesn’t even know I exist.

This is the second time since I decided that I might be ready for a relationship that a guy has deceived me. Thankfully I did not get into a relationship with either of them,  I just had hopes and no signals that they were not interested in me at all after expressing to them how I felt. When I like someone I really care about them, so I get hurt easy and quick. I really wanted to believe that this latest guy was genuine but it was all just “artificial light”. He kept everything vague and at a distance and then started sending mixed messages which explained the lights taking turns turning off and on again. This guy is on the high IQ geek side. My ex is a high IQ geek. It was hard at first to not see all high IQ geeks as people like my ex. But that wasn’t fair so I have done my best to put that prejudice off and give high IQ geek like people a chance.  It’s really not been an issue anymore for a while now.

I saw some of those characteristics like my ex in this guy but I liked some things about him too and wanted to give him a chance. When he started sending the mixed messages I was a bit confused and hurt. Thankfully a friend helped me put it behind me and let it go. And thankfully my mind knew and was trying to help me too. I don’t like feeling confused and not knowing what is going on so I just feel so much better now that I get it and can move forward mentally.

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I admit, smart intelligent men are attractive to me. But so is kindness, honesty, affection, thoughtfulness, non-whinnyness. Oh, and NO F’n games! 

I really got a kick out of being in that dream state knowing I was in a dream and knowing the fear I felt was likely chemical and I didn’t have to respond to it but just be there and let it go it’s course and then be done. If it’s happened before I don’t recall it. I’ve known I was dreaming on many occasions, but not this new chemical caution/fear recognition. It was pretty cool.

 

 

 

I copied most of the pictures from Bing Images.

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Are they really “shoving it down your throat?” Or could this be a matter of perspective.

-Poetic style-

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If you don’t believe it, then just leave it,” that’s what they like to say. What they mean is, “shut up, stop speaking your mind unless it agrees with me.” Tell the truth, be honest, never tell a lie, but suddenly that changes when the truth is exposing their lie.

The religious, the right wing, or so they are called, like to appear good, all American, positive and full of hope. Until their ideas are challenged and someone dares to disagree.

They want to live free to speak what they may, to enjoy who they are in the light of day and never let anyone take it away. But when someone starts to share their ideas that go against their belief, to live a different lifestyle without shame, they jump to take their freedom away.

They claim it’s shoving it down their throat, that people are trying to force them to accept something they don’t believe in. When really the others just want the same freedoms, the same opportunities, and the ability to live without shame true to themselves the way they are.

It’s not really so difficult to understand, the idea is simple, not misleading. But humans get old with their ideas fast. When new information comes along, if it doesn’t fit what they have already established then it’s rejected and colored bad.

The older generation can’t let go while the younger folks don’t know how to make a stand. It’s a paradox that can be solved with courage and better learning. While it won’t happen in a night, the time being taken is rather a fright.

Stop assuming you’re a victim, stop believing your being persecuted, stop seeing other peoples plight for freedom as an assault on your own beliefs and so called conservative life choices. Make yourself step back, challenge yourself to see though other people eyes, start being part of the solution instead of a toxic wall of fearful agitation lashing out at what some day will be your own protection.

– Lorenakoran

Props to Heina for this blog inspiration.  https://www.facebook.com/heinadadabhoy

Heina Dadabhoy quote

Cognitive-Dissonance

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Well, I got blamed…again…for being a bad influence on one of my daughters friends. This time it was the Catholic mom who basically chewed me out on the phone.

If someone is so afraid that their child is going to be de-converted and go to hell then why allow them to spend time at my house. I think inside she actually knows I am a good influence. But right now she’s scared, no, she’s terrified. And, she needs someone to blame. I’m not the only one. The girl has another adult friend who, I believe, is Catholic and her mom is also blaming him for putting the wrong thoughts in her daughters head.

The wrong thoughts are actually anything the mother disagrees with or she feels may give her daughter reason to be independent or something like that.

I am still rather naive about how Catholics operate and think. I’ve never actually attended a Catholic mass. Some day I will just for the experience. I was raised that Catholicism was actually bad and Catholics needed to be saved. When I became a pagan I found the Catholic superstitions rater interesting. Although they have been deadly to pagans in the past, their region is neck and neck with what many pagans believe and practice. I mean, Catholics get to pray to all kinds of people! So many to chose from! But still the Catholic religion is foreign to me mostly.

I made the mistake of reminding the mother of the scripture that says without faith you can’t please God. And how it is God that saves souls and one must trust him to do so. Though I am no longer a believer doesn’t mean I forgot all my Bible lessons. Especially since I lived those things daily for many many years. Still, I forgot how Catholics often don’t care about what the Bible says. She quickly reminded me of that. She told me one couldn’t just cherry pick what they wanted out of the Bible and make it mean what they want. She also said those scriptures were exactly what her daughter didn’t need to hear cause that would cause more trouble.

I then let her know that I have heard many stories of young people leaving their family’s faith only to return to it stronger after a few years or so. This actually calmed her down some. She’d heard those stories as well.

Her daughter is fifteen. A difficult age for any parent. It’s so easy to raise our teens out of fear. We see others make awful mistakes and maybe we have our own mistakes we regret and can’t take back so we put it all on the shoulders of our own kids and try to fix them when it’s ourselves that need fixing.

The more she pushes her daughter the more her daughter is going to run the other way. It’s so obvious but so hard to see when in the middle of it.

The thing I believe has set off her moms terror off is that the daughter has expressed her desire to leave Catholicism and to become a Christian and is starting to refuse to go to Church with her on Sunday. The mother believes it is a great sin not to go to Church on Sunday. She feels it the one time in the week to show God you appreciate all he has done for you and recognize you would not even be alive with out him.

I would like to encourage the daughter to suck it up and go to church with her mom. And I mostly have. However, there is another HUGE issue. Both their Catholic churches have deemed this girl demon possessed in the past. This was before the doctors got her medication straightened out. Apparently most the church members know this which makes her feel very uncomfortable every time she goes to church. I recommended she ask her mom to let her go to a different Catholic church. In our town there is a Polish Catholic that some very pleasant neighbors go to and I believe they would be happy to take her in on Sundays. She told me her mom doesn’t believe that Catholic church is good enough for some reason. I told her that at least it would be Catholic and not Christian. I don’t know if she will be able to ask her mom this. Some times it’s easier to push a family members buttons then to really say what needs to be said.

Today was Sunday and the young lady is staying with us a few days which is why all this came to an ugly head. As off key as her mother may have sounded I meant it when I told her I was glad she was talking to me about it. I let her know I can’t be on the same page as her if she didn’t tell me how she felt and what she wanted for her daughter. We ended the phone call with her requesting that my daughter attend services with them so her daughter would go. My daughter has been to their church before so she’s ahead of me on that experience. She’s also a really cool kid and stuff like religion doesn’t phase her. She finds it boring but for her friend she was willing to go and be a barrier between her friend and the judgmental people who fill those pews.

It is ironic though that the mom is terrified her daughter will become a Christian and leave her particular Catholic faith and blames an Atheist for this. If I wanted to turn her into me, or what I am, Christian is not even on the list!

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Just for the record…

I don’t make a habit of trying to de-convert other peoples children or even other people for that matter. Some people really need their faith to survive and some so they don’t go insane or what ever. If someones faith was destroying them and those around them then maybe I might have a few words of advise but Atheism isn’t something just anyone can accept. Hopefully a day will come when more and more people can start accepting themselves and believe in facts, but the way many of us are born and raised it will take some time. 

However…

I am all about encouraging everyone to get along and to stop trying to change others just cause they disagree and see things differently. I have seen people from different religions and walks of life get along and work together so I know it is possible and it’s important.

This may offend some folks and that is just too bad. If you are offended by the thought of getting along and working together for common good with out proselytizing, then you need to think long and hard about leaving the cult your in.

And this is where I insert a coexist sticker!

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After reading the article How Christianity Stunted My Relational Growth by Godless In Dixie on Patheos, my own similar experiences naturally came to mind. Of course I started this off as a comment but it became obvious quickly that I was writing too much and I wasn’t nearly done. So, thus, the blog instead! You can read Neil’s article by clicking on the purple words.

 

The beginning where Neil talked about how well he and his partner got along and so on really hit home for me. I was in a marriage like that. It wasn’t all Christianity’s fault, just much of it. My then husband didn’t like arguing. His definition of arguing included just simple disagreements. So even if we very calmly disagreed he would interrupt the conversation with, ” I don’t want to argue” and then walk away. At first it didn’t bother me to much because even if I wasn’t upset maybe he was and walking it off to cool off is supposed to be a good thing. It didn’t take long to realize it wasn’t what I thought it was. Walking away to cool off is fine but the idea is to get back to the touchy subject in a calm manor after cooling off and deal with it. For him it was just over. No matter how important the subject was and how much it had to be addressed, once he walked away he would never allow the subject to come up again. This meant he was the only one who would made the decision and he would do so either using what he thought was best or what he thought I wanted which he had no idea about since he wouldn’t let me speak about it.

 

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(Picture found on Google Images.) 

 

Though it bothered me I did what the Bible taught me to do, I submitted to him. Another mental growth stunting tactic.

 

So we appeared to be a loving wonderful couple for the ten years we were married. It wasn’t really a charade cause we did our best to buy into that idea as well. However, it would really bug me when I would over hear him tell folks that we never argued. In my mind I would scream, “but I want to!” I wasn’t actually the arguing type, but I did want to have a voice.

 

I had a problem, as it was, expressing myself. I was known for hiding my emotions and repressing them. Of course I was berated and told to let my emotions out and not let people walk all over me by the same people who would cut me down where I stood for doing what they said I should do. I did try my best to communicate with my husband but like I mentioned before he would shut me down. When we were going through divorce he used my problem with communicating how I felt against me as an excuse as to why our marriage failed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he still uses that as a reason why we divorced.

 

Since leaving religion I have put myself through communicating exercises. It used to be like walking through a hurricane. I had to keep putting up with the crap I received for being open and honest but I was determined to get through that storm even if it meant there would always be a storm. People love to use their sensitivity to try and manipulate others. Some know they are doing it and some do it aromatically without really understanding what an ass they are being. They feel offended so you are wrong and you hurt them and you need to grovel on the ground begging for forgiveness until they are done licking their wound that they blame you for causing when in reality, they caused it. They want you to be honest and express yourself and communicate as long as it doesn’t cause them to feel uncomfortable. In other words, they love it when you gossip and rail on people they don’t care for, just don’t bring what they’ve done into the conversation or you are a bad bad person and you’ve offended them and hurt them and your soul is in danger.

 

Superstorm Sandy Pummels Northeast

(Picture found on Google Images.) 

That sort of hurricane!

 

That’s what I was determined to walk through and learn to thrive through. I may have been harsh at times. After all I was suppressing my emotions and feeling for close to thirty eight years. Naturally I wouldn’t suddenly become an expert at communicating just right. But many of the folks who didn’t approve of my “harshness” were the ones who helped put the virtual duct tape over my mouth in the first place. The only way for me to free me was to just go on ahead and express myself and figure it all out on my own regardless of how hurt they let on. I also had to put on virtual realistic glasses that would remind me that wither they actually are hurt or not, they are manipulating and if I bend to them I am enabling.  It really did feel like a storm for a while.

 

I have not arrived but I have come a long long way. Most of the folks who were sensitive and took what I would say personally and try to manipulate me back to who I had been have either gotten the message and now they are mostly cool with it or they left.

 

I used to have a fear of people leaving which only added to my lack of life and when I started standing up for myself it only added to the pain I had to go through. I still don’t care for losing people, but I am able to talk myself down and make myself okay with it in the long run. It doesn’t actually make sense to want to keep people as friends when they refuse to respect who you are the way you are and when you are in danger of offending them with your honesty.

 

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(Picture found on Google Images.) 

By the way, when I say honesty and expressing ones self, I am not talking about rudeness and bullying and no empathy. That is just manipulating back. It’s the balance thing again. Along with finding my voice I have been on a path to finding balance as well. Not the kind of balance some friends and family try to tell you about where the “balance ” is you being honest and open as long as it doesn’t bother them. Yeah, no, not that kind cause that’s not actually balance. It’s ones own personal real balance.

 

Being a mom of kids in the autism spectrum I’ve learned a lot about this sort of need for balance. While I do my best to teach my kids to curve their honesty so they don’t get fired from every job they get and so on, I also try to teach them to keep their honesty but learn ways to soften it, wait to tell it, and sometimes even explain their difficulty due to ASD, and other ways to help them not come off so harsh and rude to others. I also let them know that many times they are actually in the right, but being so sharp with the truth can turn other peoples ears off and cause them to misjudge them. It’s a crazy balancing act. I want them to be confident, not resort to lying, yet to learn what others feel cause it is kind and then use that to communicate and build relationships.

 

Gosh, writing this makes me realize (again) how difficult this is. However, my kids have come a long way. My oldest, who is 16 and has aspergers, has learned to teach herself these things. It seems my job was just to get her started on the ideal path and once she got the idea to let her go from there. Not that I don’t point things out here and there but she is able to figure things out, she’s a smart kid.

 

With my kids it’s been important to me not to raise them the way I was raised in this area. While raising them to be good, I am also raising them to not be good. Cause what is “good”? Exactly! Kindness, empathy, love, forgiveness, and those sort of things are “good. But when people use those things to constantly take from the giver, to manipulate, then what some may call good is not good at all. And when people are the kind of good that allows people to use them, well, that’s not good either.

 

I was raised to be good. And I was good. I had a pure heart and I was good because I believed whole hearted in it Bible style. I was good all right. I was a very good door mat. I would never had said this then, and I certainly would not have said that I was better at it then most the folks I knew. I would never have even thought that sort of thing. That’s how damn good I was. I was really good at being really terrible and really good at being brain washed. Thus the needed time to get over that sort of good and learn how to balance it all out.

 

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 (Picture found on Google Images and scripture from the KJV text.) 

Like I said before, I haven’t arrived. I doubt I will ever fully arrive because life is a journey and there is a forever amount of things to learn. Am I better? Most certainly YES! Well, not to everyone, but in reality it’s still a big YES. There are folks who don’t like what I say to the degree that they condemn me for it no matter how gently I may say what I say. Some folks are so closed minded even a lovely kind complement would cause them to feel the sting of rage or the heat of tears cause they have already made up their mind about what they believe you actually mean and there is nothing you can do about it but hope they change for their own sake or at least move on and leave you alone.

 

 

 lorenakoran photography wausau park(A pic I took in Wausau, WI.)

I would like to add something my dad told me a long time ago about assuming certain couples are the very picture of happiness and have what everyone else wants. He told me about this couple that were regulars at a bar he tended. They always came in together and sat close and talked with each other in the most pleasant way. They always were happy and friendly and the perfect picture of what many people hope to have in their lives. One day he expressed his positive feelings about that couple to an older bar tender he worked with. The older bar tender didn’t respond the way my dad expected. He said, “I don’t know. I’ve never slept between them.”  Maybe they really were the “perfect” happy couple. I’ll never know. But, it makes a great life lesson about not assuming. When I was still married and when my husband and I were actually together (he was away a lot) we often heard people comment about what a good looking couple we were. We also heard comments about how well we got along and worked together and so on. People assumed because we looked good together and we were peaceful that we had the “perfect” marriage. They had no idea thing were so serene because I knew what subjects to avoid and because I was a “peace maker” and knew how to keep the boat calm. It had nothing to do with real love and happiness. There were folks who were very upset when my husband and I split up because they just knew my husband and I truly loved each other and refused to believe otherwise. Funny about all that is I’ve been told what a good looking couple we are with most every boyfriend I’ve had. And, I’ve had folks get upset about the split with them as well because they assumed we were a perfect fit. Funny how people can be. I never minded being a good looking couple but I have always minded people who assume they know all about me and how my life is. It is better now that I have the ability to tell people exactly how I feel if I feel the need to. Not always easy, but better.

Well, it’s Tuesday so I wish you all a “good” week! lol  No, really, I do!

 

 

you are awesome

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I want to get into more vlogging and become more comfortable doing so. I haven’t done a vlog in a while now and I sure had a difficult time doing this one. But I was determined. Gotta start somewhere! I am convinced the next one I do will be better. lol No really! 😉

Also, if you would  subscribe to my YouTube channel I would really appreciate it. I’d really like to get 1,000 plus  subscribers so I could make a few bucks. They won’t do paid ads for channels with under 1,000 subscribers. So, it would certainly be helpful! The kids and I could use a few extra dollars.

Here’s the video –

 

Here are the quotes I read at the end of the vlog.

Dr. Shefali quote about our anxieties

 

Dr. Shefali quote on where it all comes from

 

Your children are your mirror

 

 

rob bell quote about palms open to receive

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10/25/14

I was going to write about photography snobbery but I was recently inspired to cover a different issue instead, for now anyway.

I find it very disturbing when parents tell their children they are not allowed to be something. Telling ones child they can not be a pagan or an atheist or a Buddhist or even a Satanist and so on is actually telling them they can not come to you about important issues in their life. You are slamming a door to communication and you are losing a lot of  and maybe all influence you had with them. It may not be what you meant to do, but it’s exactly what you have done. The same goes for telling them they can’t be gay or bi or accept life styles you are uncomfortable with and likely your religion condemns.

Top-10-Places-Youre-Not-Allowed-to-Visit

If you’re kids decide to experiment with drugs and or alcohol and other harmful things it is important that the line of communication is open with your child. We all want to believe our children wouldn’t do such things, but we are not in their heads all the time, we don’t always know what they are facing and what they are feeling. If we tell them they can’t be this or that and we back it up with fear and rejection then we can’t be there for them when they need us most because they can’t trust us.

Letting our children know how we feel about certain subjects and the results of the actions people who chose to participate in those things may find as consequences or results is important. It’s all part of communicating. But once you put, “you are not allowed to be…” you are closing the communication line off. While you may rightful warn your child that having sex can cause pregnancy and STD’s and so on saying you will kick them out or they will go to hell for doing so means that if they do get pregnant or get an STD you won’t be the one they come to for help and you just might be the last person to find out.

If they chose a different lifestyle or a different religion or non religion, do you really want them to keep it from you? Telling them they aren’t allowed to is telling them that if they are gay or they are some other belief they have to hide it from you. They will take their questions and concerns elsewhere. You will no longer be their adviser or an influence.

who rules over you

People put down being “open minded” but when you can no longer communicate with your loved one because you were “closed minded” it isn’t so glorious anymore.

I highly suggest you have a serious conversation with yourself about this matter. Don’t tell your kid they can come to you about anything and everything until you have had this conversation with yourself and prepared yourself for it. You may not be able to get yourself to a place where you are free to accept all things, but you can get yourself to a place where you agree with yourself to take a few deep breaths before responding to what your child has said and not throw out an answer or accusation. Make a habit of researching things. When your child brings up an area of interest, even if it’s something their friend is going through, don’t just spat off the first thing that comes to mind. Tell your child you will do some research and look into it. Then do the research.

Do not just believe the first thing you find on a subject. Search various sights and outlooks, different sources. Because your pastor, priest, spiritual leader, favorite author or favorite blog writer says something doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you and your child. You need to do your own homework. Consulting them may be helpful but it shouldn’t be the end of the line. Take an example from your kid, challenge your favorite source. They may end up right, but no ones perfect, they could also be wrong, or it may be wrong for you.

Some times we have habits of spatting off the first thing that comes to mind. I’ve been there. I was raised very Christian and remained so the first 38 years of my life. I was programmed with answers. I had done all kinds of research. My fault was that I only used Christian sources. Later after becoming aware that just because I didn’t believe in lying didn’t mean other Christians felt the same, this included those who put research materials together. I realized my information was tainted. So, when I found myself giving an answer to something I would stop myself and admit that I actually wasn’t sure because my resources were untrustworthy but that I would look into it and get back to them on it. After hearing yourself stop yourself and admit you don’t know, the habit will break. Then it evolved into taking place in my head. I could stop my comment before it left my head and instead of having to back paddle I would either remain silent or I would let my kid or who ever it was know I would look into it. It’s much less humbling that way. But the humility lessons were good for me and helped break the habit. Besides it’s good for your kids to hear you admit you could be wrong and that you are willing to find out. It’s a great example. If you can retrain yourself and better yourself, they’ll know they can too.

Sounds like a lot of work. Then again raising children is a lot of work. If you really love them, you’ll do the work. It can also be scary. Overcoming fear in order to be there for your kids is a wonderful act of love.

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(The images were found on Google Image Search.)

 

 

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