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Posts Tagged ‘hate’

Last night I dreamed of several folks from my past. Two of which passed away a while ago.

One was Doug Young. I wish I could remember everything but all that comes back to my mind was something to do with him fixing stuff and he was very cheerful.

youngs(Doug and family)

I also dreamed of the Turners, my old church leaders from UFHOP who I consider cult leaders. I don’t remember the details of the dream but I do recall that in it they were “back” and they were starting up a service and ushering everyone inside the room where the service was being held, except me. They knew I wouldn’t be a part of it and they were right.

ufhop turners(Old photo of members and leader (Elder Howard Turner) of United Fellowship House of Praise)

The last part of the dream my mom and dad were in. My dad is the other person who passed away a while back. I don’t recall anymore then that they were in the end part of the dream and it left me with a positive feeling.

Bob and Joan - Copy(My mom and dad, Bob and Joan.)

When I dream of the Turners I label the dream a nightmare. I could handle night paralysis better then dreaming of them. To me they were the real nightmare. However, this time it didn’t bother me. I didn’t exactly enjoy it and in the dream I wasn’t too happy about all the people they still had fooled and were under their influence but I also didn’t let it get to me. Upon waking it didn’t haunt my mind like dreaming of them usually does.

The Turners 001(The Turners at the HDC where I used to work.)

Up until recently they were the only people I refused to forgive. In all scary honesty, I felt the only way I would feel relieved of them was to stab them in the heart and watch the life drain from their eyes. I would never actually do that but it was the only way my mind wanted to virtually deal with them. I’ve never felt that way about anyone else I know in my life, just them. I understand that not forgiving is like shackling ones self to the person you don’t forgive. But, I just couldn’t handle the idea of letting them get away with taking away the majority of my life.  I was under their command from the age of 19 to 38. That’s all of my twenties and most of my thirties and I could never get those years back.

79349-34-e1379909642611(Some folks will “get” this pic.)

I’ve been reading The Secret and about a week or so ago something in there clicked and made me face the fact that I need to let my resentment toward the Turners go. I mean, I already knew that at the front of my head but I hadn’t let the knowledge sink in and be acted on. I often psychoanalyze myself, it’s kind of a habit. So, looking inside I would have to say it’s likely I felt they need to be punished and as many bad things that have happened to them they haven’t changed, they keep going along the same psychopathic path and somehow fooling people as they go. But then again, that’s what psychopaths do. Oh, they’ve “repented” for stuff and pointed out their wrong doing as long as it was for their benefit in the long run. But, if you keep listening and become a fly on the wall you will eventually hear them explain why what they repented for wasn’t actually wrong but that they needed to repent out loud so certain people wouldn’t leave the church cause their souls were at stake. Oh my goodness! I’ve heard them say this type of things so very many times.

When looking through the first half of The Secret for what ever it was I read about forgiveness that found a way through my brain I couldn’t find it. But as I was skip reading I did find the chapter that focused on the extreme positive emotion called Love. I think that actually was what got through to me. I do remember thinking, “I’m not ready to love them, but it’s about time I forgive and let it go.” I wasn’t sure exactly how effective that thought was but it seems from my dream last night that it was indeed effective after all. In the dream I was a little disappointed that friends were still being fooled by them but not enough to ruin my emotions and qualify as a nightmare. I saw it for what it was and moved on. And really, I am very grateful it’s not me that’s included in the group of fools. I’m thankful I didn’t feel the need to fit in and join them and not feel left out, obligated, or afraid. I’ve come to far, suffered to much and gained too much wisdom to back peddle. And that’s a good thing!

Our sleeping dream world is a place without limits for us to work out ideas and issues as well as sort through things. It’s also a place where we can take our virtual temperature and find out how we really are doing. In all it’s strange surrealness it can show us reality. Last night, my temp was pretty good! 

winter_dreaming(Josephine Wall’s Winter Dreaming)  

I may have bothered some with my extreme honesty about how I used to feel about the Turners. In my opinion, how can I expect to help others if I am afraid of what people will think of me and hide dirty little details in order to make others think I’m this awesome perfect non-human person. No thank you! I prefer to remain real, honest and an open book.  Just like one must love and forgive others to be free and move on, one must also love and forgive ones self in order to be free and move on as well.

Today is the day before Halloween and soon it will be Samhain. For many pagans this is the time the veil between dimensions is thinnest and one can communicate with loved ones who have passed on. Some don’t feel the need to communicate but to just remember and appreciate loved ones who have died.  As I was writing this and looking through old pictures I found one with the old church group and in it was my dad, Doug and Diane, all friends who have passed on some time back. They’re loved ones i am happy to have known and happy to remember and appreciate.  I understand many of my atheist friends think it’s silly and annoying to think that loved ones who have passed away may be watching over us and helping us, but the odd thing is, the Christian faith i was raised in felt the same way. Except instead of believing they ceased to exist we were taught they went on to either heaven or hell and  that’s it. Any watching over us was done by Jesus or the angels or if something was wrong then demons.  It seems when people become radical they often end up in the same boat. I am happy to have room in my brain to believe it is possible that loved ones who have passed on may possibly be able to assist us who are considered living.  Wither it’s true or not, it’s not a sin, it’s a comforting thought and for some it’s gets them by day by day.

If you’re interested in learning more about the truth behind Samhian besides not reading about it from Christian sources cause they are often full of propaganda I suggest you check out this simple link – http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/samhainoctober31/p/Samhain_History.htm.

67056_570320059683613_589377180_n(I don’t know who wrote this Samhain prayer but i thought it was lovely. I found it on Facebook.)

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What they may feel but not quite say
By Lori Revels-Hobbs

***

Scream but don’t cry
yell silently
mouth open wide
hit, punch, punch the air
run, stomp, stab
in my mind I kill
kill myself
kill someone else
twist and turn
ball up and rock
back and forth
back and forth
eyes glazed over
demon possessed
totally mental
no one can see me
my life is over
it’s ruined,
I’m stupid
it’s done
you’re ugly
there is no help
punch punch punch

 

I’m Superman
in my own color
the world is mine
I dominate
I’m good looking
I’m a monster
I can do what I want
I have abilities
you haven’t discovered
I’m special
no one in the world
is like me
I don’t need anyone
I can survive
I will take over
the world is a toy
sometimes I am a puppet
sometimes a puppet master
I am superior
I am right
you are wrong
I am confident

 

I love you
I know how you feel
I’ve gone through something like it
I look perfectly at peace
but I don’t know how I feel
I am content
lost in my own world
I’m glad we get along
I will help
I want you around
You make me feel comfortable
I want to make you happy
I can help
I will give up
to see you satisfied
I take care of the earth
it makes sense to me
I want to understand more
I will learn to be friendly
friends make me feel good
I will learn to reciprocate
I will protect you
my heart is in your hands

***

I just felt like writing rap style a bunch of the emotions I see from my ASD kids and friends who have ASD all mixed together. I see so many intense emotions from people with Autism. It’s like a living rap or poem all in itself.

tantrum

 

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