Posts Tagged ‘hope’

Blog started Sunday 3/12/17.
There’s a lot of abused folks out there. Even the ones that have healed and are doing fine often still have triggers. PTSD isn’t just a military thing.
Religion is a common cause of stress disorders. While it provides hope for some it causes both mental and physical harm for others. Well meaning people often make the matter worse. They think they are reaching out to people offering them hope, and while this may help some, it actually does the opposite for others
When you “share” how great your god is and all he’s doing for you and those around you with people who have been abused with religion, you are not helping them, you are hurting them. You are pushing the trigger button over and over. Then, you wonder why they are so angry. Anyone who’s “buttons” are pushed over and over and over again will most likely “blow up” or as folks like to use on atheists, become angry.
Normally I’m all about coexisting. I understand there are a lot of folks out there who hold onto their religion for cultural reason and community reasons and many who feel they need it. I’m fine with all that as long as it’s not causing any harm to anyone. However, this evening if religion were a person I would have murdered it.
Blog continued Thursday 3/16/17.
Although I’m over it and back to my version of normal, I haven’t forgotten. I can still feel the frustration. I’m just not angry right now. But the issue is still an issue.
Although I suspected the kids and I likely have PTSD, I never really faced the issue. That is until Levis psychiatrist let me know, with out me ever mentioning it to him, that the kids and I have it. I was surprised at my reaction, after all I should have been prepared for that. But I wasn’t. I think I was actually avoiding it and he made me face it. It didn’t feel good. I even cried. Later I laughed. Talk about a slew of emotions. Even after laughing I wasn’t happy about it, I was frustrated. It just felt so unfair. Not just for me but more so for my kids.
I do know from experience that as difficult as it can be to be diagnosed, it has the great potential of having more benefits than not. Once you understand why you or your family members or friends act and react a certain way you can move on and learn how to work with what you or they have and improve and use the talents that may come with it and help others and get the help you need from services and such. The big benefit is understanding why you do, feel, and think the way you do. Understanding yourself really makes a big difference in healing and improving.
So, this Sunday the acknowledgement of the PTSD did help me understand my emotional reaction to the previous days. From Friday all the way through Sunday I was affected by other peoples religion. One was a friends Catholicism and the other was my moms United Pentecostal type way of being.  Neither of them meant me any harm and I love both people. One was just trying to please her parents by being where they wanted her to be cause they were out of town. Going to mass and or church can be more superstitious than going because you need encouragement, community and wisdom.
As far as my mom, she attempted to leave me texts about what god was doing through her. I may be wrong, but I felt intent, not just sharing and conversing. Like maybe she read or saw something I posted and wanted to try to “fix” me. I had posted a few atheist meme’s on my Facebook wall, so that could be it.  When she learned that only one of her text went through she decided to just tell me all about it on a phone call. It was a very long dialog about how god was using her and speaking through her and answering her prayers. The result? Hallelujah! I’m now magically “saved.” Thank you Jesus! I now know, again, that everyone else in the world that believes and has the any “evidence” and hope and “proof” and all from their god(s) is wrong. Us European type people are the only right people on earth. Our religion is correct and every one else is wrong. Our god is superior and everyone else is a myth. Yep, it doesn’t matter that everything in the Bible was taken from different religions, nope, it’s all true cause a bunch of white men said they were empowered by the holy ghost and so it’s true even when it’s proven not to be. So, praise the Lort! I’m just gonna throw common sense and being awake and aware out the window and trade it in for the shackles and nonsensical rules and regulations of a god who can do anything and every thing and knows all but won’t feed the masses of starving people, not even the starving babies in their mothers arms who are so malnourished their bodies can’t produce any milk. Now there’s a good idea! I mean, after all, it’s clear in Genesis that we are not supposed to know  “the knowledge of good and evil”, cause if we did we would realize that man made gods, not the other way around.
Let me set this straight, in case you are getting my drift incorrectly. I Was Not Mad At God. I can’t be made at him/her/them. Why? Because I don’t believe him/she/they exist. Who was I mad at? People and their superstitions! And the poisonous ideas they shove down your throat, nose, ears and even up your butt, thinking they are helping you.
Folks, it’s not helping, it’s hurting. You hurt people with your religion and then you wonder why they are angry when you are responsible for triggering them. But no, it can’t be your fault, you were just sharing the love of Jesus. It’s got to be them, if they only would listen and give their lives over to your god then they would be set free from the things oppressing them. Dude! Stop, you are the one oppressing them. You want to help them? Than stop with the religious vomit!
I want people to heal too. I want them to recover and lose their “buttons” over time.  I am aware that pushing their buttons over and over doesn’t make the buttons go away, it makes them worse and adds to them. Maybe there are some exceptions, but the majority of people will not get better this way. Become aware of the fact that a person may have been religiously abused and back off with trying to feed them your beliefs. You can be friends with people with PTSD. You can love them and you can help them. I am not writing this blog about how to help them at this time, I’m just writing to wake folks up to the possibility that their religious “help” may be doing more harm than good.  There are a lot of good online articles out there about how to help people without using religion.
So, back to last weekend. By Sunday night I was angry. I get frustrated and depressed at times, but anger isn’t something I usually feel for prolonged periods of time. So I was curious about myself and why I felt so angry. I realized it was a PTSD reaction, that my buttons had been repeatedly pushed, the PTSD had been triggered. So I let myself let it out. Not on anyone, but alone, in my car. I had a good couple hollers while driving. No one could hear me so no police were called, lol! I just had to release some tension. I didn’t feel awesome after that, but I do think that’s when I started to recover from it all. The next day I was grateful that I didn’t have to work. I felt like crap till late afternoon. I think the stress of the previous days physically took a toll. But like I mentioned, I felt better as the day progressed. By the evening I felt fine so on Tuesday I was ready and good to go for work.
I know my mom loves me. I also know she gets caught up in her head, we all do at one time or another. I don’t mind hearing an occasional tale of how “god” has done this or that. It brings her happiness and I’m glad for her. But to go on and on and think it’s gonna convert me is just plain annoying and when I’ve already had a tasking couple of days, it’s harmful. My mom isn’t alone in this way of thinking and acting, not by a long shot. Which is why I am writing this, maybe someone will care and understand and make the changes because it not only makes sense, but because it’s love.
I would like to add that how I felt doesn’t describe how others with PTSD may feel. How it affects people can differ. Even our own reactions and feelings can be different for different circumstances. And some folks do find comfort in religion and religious ideas. It’s just good to not assume or think cause it helps you or you’re told it does that you should use it to “help” others.  Be careful and don’t assume. This blog barely touches on what PTSD is and what religious induced PTSD is. (Also known as Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS).)It would be kind of you to research and learn more about it. Most likely you have and will have friends, family and associates that have it.
If you or someone you know is suffering from religious trauma or maybe just needs someone nonjudgmental to talk to, here’s a web site to a hot line that has people ready to listen. Just click here-
sparta aaa

Read Full Post »

Romantic Awakening

A lousy poem by Lorenakoran


I was dormant

Not quite asleep

Lying there waiting

Not making a peep


The sky would turn

Muddy gray and white

I’d forget for a moment

Leaving space for the sky


I turned off so much

I didn’t even realize

How out of it I was

Till along came this guy


He made me no promise

He spoke what was true

He awoke my hopes

And set my dreams lose


What I really wanted
What I’ve never had
Only tastes and illusions

Crowded in my past


It felt good to remember

It felt good to hope and dream

But the truth sunk it later

I would go back to sleep


The gray sky is waiting

Back to my loveless coma

Remembering what was in my grasp

  That I didn’t quite have


Though it breaks my heart

And makes me cry

I don’t have regrets

I’ll find a way to fly


I hate that I don’t know when

Will it be tomorrow

Or years from now

Feeling is pain and pleasure


Eyes wide open

Mind alert

Knowing truth

So often hurts


I don’t want to go back to sleep

I wish there was a way

To stay in the moment

Never let it go away



My best friend


My biggest enemy


Read Full Post »

We keep living
by Lorenkoran


We keep living

We keep living for our children

We can’t let them see us die

The universe keeps drifting

The music flows on by

No matter the pain

Not matter the torment

This life is but a moment

Don’t fill it with regret

They live with our consequences

They carry them on their backs

It takes more than a notion

To free themselves of it

Let them live

Free from condemnation

Let them sour

Far above reproach

Let them see us as guiding hands

Not shaping their own destiny

We brought them into this world

We have a responsibility

To let them be who they are

And not what We wanted to be

Not what society has handed down

That lie is someone else’s crown

Don’t pass it on

It’s time for those lies to end

Legacy is in one’s own hand

Not passed down from man to man

Be yourself

Don’t give up

Don’t throw in the towel

Change roads if it’s not workin’

Take another path

Reflection, change, betterment

Are living and not quitting

It’s okay to change your way

Just be present all the same

Be here for you children

For the generations behind you

Extend your hand in service

And wave them high in praise

These children who are watching you

Will never be the same.





Things have been emotionally difficult lately, and physically. Sometimes the very people whom we have such difficulty with are also the ones who give us the most inspiration.

Last night I was watching Oprah interview and talk with Dr. Shefali on Super Soul Sunday and this evening I watched Birdman starring Michael Keaton. I’m not sure how I feel about that movie. I partly was bored with it but I partly get it too. Anyway, this poem was inspired by both shows. It didn’t exactly go the way I thought, but then again when it comes to poetry one never really knows what the end result will be till one gets there.



Read Full Post »



Definition of selfie according to the Urban Dictionary;


A picture taken of yourself that is planned to be uploaded to Facebook, Myspace or any other sort of social networking website. You can usually see the person’s arm holding out the camera in which case you can clearly tell that this person does not have any friends to take pictures of them so they resort to Myspace to find internet friends and post pictures of themselves, taken by themselves. A selfie is usually accompanied by a kissy face or the individual looking in a direction that is not towards the camera.


If you want a good social media profile picture you likely need a selfie. Not everyone can afford or even want to pay for a professional to take a realtor looking portrait or senior grad pic just to have for their profile page picture. So many of us resort to the all too popular, hold the camera out at arms length and high, snap a pic.



For some a picture of themselves on social media may be a bad idea. Maybe they are a criminal and on a wanted list, maybe they are being stalked and want to remain hidden, some folks have experienced excessive bullying and find it better to keep the picture non-personal for their own mental health, and so forth. Some parents rather their kids remain social network faceless for their protection.

However, there are also reasons to have a profile pic, such as a selfie, on ones social network profile as well as in the various albums on ones page. A lot of spammers, trolls, con-men and people out for shady things such as net-sex with folks they never met have either no profile pic or questionable ones. They usually do not have many, if any, family pictures and pictures of themselves doing normal everyday things and vacation pics and so on. This is not always a sign of a problem but it is a “heads up, there may be a problem” kind of sign.

So what about the person who takes lots of selfies? What does that say about them?


I looked this up online and found some articles I plan to read about it, but before I read someone else’s ideas or studies I wanted to share what I came up with.

Sometimes I see negative comments about people who take a lot of selfies. I wonder why the person complaining even cares. What’s it to them? They just seem judgmental and “bitchy” to me. However, as a self psycho-analyzing type person I can’t help but turn this inward and ask myself why I have moments of taking a lot of selfies. What is going on in my brain when I do. I’m pretty sure I am not yet covering it all since I only recently asked myself this question. But off hand, I have come up with three reasons I do it… for now.



I am very honest about my life and I feel the picture of me from when I had a different hair cut and color and look in general isn’t a true representative of how I really look now. So I update. I do like to look my selfie best so in order to get a good pic I have to take a bunch of them and then once I am ready to upload the pic I can’t make up my mind. So, I end up picking one for the little profil pic and uploading the rest in an album.


I don’t like the idea of not being honest about how I really look. So every now and then I take a full body pic that isn’t angled to make me look thinner and post it. Usually, I am only willing to post one of these, unlike the bunches of the ones that look better.


When I used to be on the online dating sites I would do the same thing. I didn’t want to meet some guy who was completely shocked about how I really looked. I’d rather meet a guy who had a clue from the get-go. Less awkwardness and less likely to feed the low-self esteem rejection thing. I dated this one guy for a while that I met on POF who told me he found it refreshing that I didn’t hide my neck. I didn’t even know ladies were doing that. Not surprising when I think about it though. I mean, in my “nice” selfies I hide my tummy. Since I have some extra there in the tummy reagon I don’t want to shock anyone when they meet me so I include that one honest pic whether I like the way it looks or not. It’s me, take it or leave it.

Sometimes I find I look good in something or my make up came out really good or unique so I snap a pic just for the record. However, often those pics don’t come out as good as I hoped they would. Sometimes I post them, sometimes I don’t.



I find I get in a try on various clothes, outfits, costumes and or the sexy look type selfie mood when I need an emotional personal boost.

When I feel down I normally do not want any pictures of myself. I don’t think that’s unusual. But it seems when I go through a difficult body hating episode, or feelings of rejection, depression, etc. I sometimes end it with a selfie photo shoot.

I love doing the sexy kind. They are a great body hating lift. But posting any of them takes some guts. I have my past to overcome since such things were considered sinful. Also as far as posting I am aware that many of my online friends are religious. Not that all the religious ones feel the same, but many do. Then there’s those folks who think sexy type photos mean you want to have sex with anyone and without discretion. While having sex is a great thing, that doesn’t mean that’s what I am aiming to tell you. Then there’s those folks who think I am inviting them to be lewd and suggestive to me on my page. No! Yeah, no, I just want to appreciate me and make myself feel beautiful and have fun with photography art. As far as those who insist on believing otherwise, well, I don’t live for them. Inappropriate comments can be removed.


Another issue I have had to overcome here is the selflessness I grew up with and doing my best to be. Loveing ones self, pride and such things were set ups for trouple, or so I was taught and believed. So sometimes I outright rebel against that notion. Sometimes being obnoxious and “just doing it” is the only way to break it in ones self. I don’t live for judgmental, religious right, finger pointing people.


I have overcome a lot, but I have 38 years of that crap I have had to weed through, it doesn’t happen over night. I’m a week away from turing 46, I’ve come dang far, however, I suspect it could take the rest of my life. So cool, I’ll keep at it. And although I hate this, sometimes I back track and then I have to make up for that in order to move forward. But that’s okay, I’m human after all. And as I so often say, I’m not the only one.

For the record, when I say sexy pics I am not talking about nudity. I don’t have a problem with nudity but I understand there are places for those kinds of pics and social media isn’t one of them since children are often on social media sites.



I don’t have a model or the money to pay some one to model for my photo shoot idea. Sometimes I can get one of my kids to poise for me with their pizza at a restaurant, usually Kyle. Thanks Kyle! Or at a Con in their cosplay outfit. Thanks Hannah and Kara! If I need a silly face I can count on Levi or Kyle. But otherwise, they usually are not interested. Plus, if it’s a sexy type photo shoot I’m not gonna ask my kids to do it. So, if I get an idea and no model or it’s a sexy deal, well, I get to be my own model. In this case, it isn’t usually selfie style but I pull out the good camera and tripod and props and such and snap away till I get the look I had in mind. So it’s not really qualified as a selfie, except it is me so in a way it is.

I do want to add that some carriers and jobs and so forth will judge you by your social media pictures. Even though it may be unfair, most of us need money to survive, thus those judgmental, social media peeping toms, can be a cause for concern and if you need such a job you do need to be cautious about what kind of selfies you post and share. If this is the case you can always store your controversial selfies on your computer or something and then when you get a different carrier or retire post them. Or … something like that.

Okay, now reading other articles about this.

Hum, this one says, “In a recent Ohio State University study, men who posted more photos of themselves online scored higher in measures of narcissism and psychopathy.” (From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/12/selfies-narcissism-psychopathy_n_6429358.html) But then again, those symptoms are more common in men as it is. So, maybe the reason some men take excessive selfies and why some woman do may be different. Okay, okay, the article goes on to explain, “Narcissism measures inflated self-image (often motivated by underlying insecurity), …” That goes along with my perspective there. The article ends more in line with my ideas after all.Not that it has to, just does.

I found this article to be well written and address the issue quite well – http://mastersinpsychologyguide.com/articles/what-do-selfies-say-about-psychology-you.

There’s plenty more out there to read on this subject. I just don’t have the time. Plus it seems many of the articles are opinions and while that is fine, not everyone is nice about it. It’s okay to believe that selfies are bad, maybe, but it is bad to put selfie-takers down and call them names. I know, haters gonna hate! Lol!

Whatever reason you have for taking selfies, I say, snap away, post away, and be proud of how awesome you look in those pics! You Go You Person You!!! (Unless you’re not a person but you somehow know how to take selfies than I mean you too. 😉 )

This video explaining selfies was super funny to me. –  https://youtu.be/k3_WvmTCA1I

Now for some selfies of myself!

The ones where I have blue bangs are the most recent. 

Read Full Post »

Hopes Tempting Touch
by Lorenakoran


He came recommended

and what a shame

I let my guard down

and now I’m ashamed


I knew better

I’ve done it before

I let hope in

but fate closed the door


While I may not be desperate

in many ways

I still have the ability

to give in and cave


as hard as I get

as focused as I seem

the idea of love

creeps in on me


I like my freedom

I have future plans

but passion and touch

are noisy demands


the odds are against me

getting just what I want

too much baggage they call it

but it’s my cross


I didn’t plan this

I didn’t ask for trouble

my past set it in motion

I have to deal with the rubble


so if he doesn’t like it

if it’s asking too much

I’ll get over this sadness

but I’m not in a rush


I tell myself to go back to

being cool with being on my own

with plans for my future

and no ties to a home


hope set in motion

seems to take time

to move past the notion

and give up that ride


my baggage isn’t shameful

my burden isn’t all pain

for those days of sunshine

I’ll make it through the rain

Read Full Post »

Hey Guys!

I’ve been blog gone for a while now and I apologize. I’m not saying I’m “back” but I will try to do better. I still am on Facebook but normally for only brief moments of time. Instagram has been my go-to because I can make quick clips and pics on my phone and keep going. (You can find me there at www.instagram.com/lorenakoran/) But even that apparently has challenges. I learned the hard way that my new Cricket phone has a limited high speed internet thing on it and I used it all up so I couldn’t post Instagram stuff until I paid my bill for the next month. I think I used up my high speed privileges by using YouTube music while driving, which I do a lot of. Oops! I’m not to happy about that. I’m already paying enough for me and my daughters phone services, (Her dad contributes a little for hers, but it still adds up.) I don’t need an added extra charge. I guess I’ll have to start downloading music. Another time consumer and not always free unless you use the free stuff which normally comes with viruses and spam.

So yeah, I have been busy. That’s not new. Hannah has a job that I get to drive her too. I am very proud of her and I want to encourage her and she will pay me for gas when she gets paid. Thankfully it’s not super far away. She got this one through the DVR and Aurora services and we hope the place she is working at will like her and hire her when the allotted time is up. Already it is better then the place DVR placed her in last summer. That place (PetCo) didn’t bother training her but insisted she stalk shelves. Then when her DVR person came in to check on her the manager said she wasn’t taking initiative. Hannah wanted to learn more but they wouldn’t let her! Ug! So, this place she is at now is all about training her. So much better!

Sometimes it’s easy to lose track of the struggles people with aspergers (now just called Autism) go through. When they are “high functioning” there are times it seems they can take on the world. But that just isn’t reality. Just because a person with aspergers turnes 18 doesn’t mean they suddenly have the skills needed to get, maintain and keep a job. Their pace is often slower. Given time they could master the trait and actually do better then anyone else, but not everyone understands they need time to really learn it. Then there’s the days when there is too much stress and they melt down. How may places of employment can understand when someone calls in saying they can’t work that day because they had a melt down. Some folks with ASD wouldn’t be able to even express that. Plus, not many folks really even know what a melt down is and the time it takes to come back from one. Spin around until you can’t stand, then try doing your job. Not only is it very difficult or even impossible, it’s a bad idea. I really appreciate the services out there that are in place for people who have disabilities or mental issues, yet want to work and have the most normal life they can. Yes, sometimes such services are neglectful or take “forever”, but sometimes they pull through and are just what you need.

I’m happy the school year is almost over. I wish it was already over because we are moving next week. As far as the boys, whom I am homeschooling, I plan so far to continue at a slow pace through out summer. I’m glad RVA and my boys RVA teacher are set up for such things. The last two weeks homeschooling has gotten steadily more difficult. Mainly due to my youngest increased melt downs. Since he comes home so depressed from his dads home, Kyle’s therapist and I decided it would be a good idea for me to keep him home on the weekends for about three weeks instead of going to dads to see if things improved. We lasted two weeks. The depression did improve but the melt downs continued to get worse and worse. I believe he is depressed at dads because instead of throwing a fit, crying, saying horrible things and so on he holds it all in. He’s told me many times he is afraid of his dad which is why he “behaves” for him. So, when he gets home he pretty much explodes and has little control over his negative mood and depression. I’ve had several special ed teachers explain to me that often kids are bad for mom because they feel comfortable around her. It sounds wrong, but it’s actually right, as in the right thing to feel.

I have asked his therapist about what I should do in the case of him acting out or trying to act out his threats, (they are usually about himself). He pretty much told me to do what I planned to do which is to take him to the ER. But what I didn’t know is that the ER is trained to handle and refer issues like that to a mental health specialist. Hopefully it won’t come to that but it’s good to know.

The other night I did some research on Kyle’s symptoms. I found they match either a mental psychosis or a bad reaction to the meds he just happens to be on. One way or another it seems his meds are not right for him. He has been refereed to a child psyc next month. It’s a long way away but the alternative is to get one near by and wait a year. Next month already feels like a year away so I don’t mind the drive. One of the many things that sends Kyle into a melt down is his frustration with himself. His OCD is getting out of hand and that will set him off. It’s difficult to have to have to walk on egg shells around him but I also feel so bad for him because he is frustrated and upset with himself.

Then there’s the other kids. I have three older them him. (He’s ten, btw.) They have their own issues to deal with like aspergers, ADHD and Autism. I am relieved they are doing so well. But after having Kyle stay home from dads on the weekends for two weeks I saw them get so stressed out and tired and easily frustrated. It made me think about how it’s not just me that needs the weekend break but they have needed it as well all along. I don’t do favorites, it’s never been something I cared to do or put up with. But, in a way Kyle’s has been treated like a favorite for  a while now. So many things are in place to keep him from going off. Now with things getting worse the other kids have also had to walk on egg shells around him. That is not fair to them. Although it breaks my heart to see Kyle depressed, I have to keep sending him to dads for his siblings sake as well as mine. This evening I did explain the situation to his dad. I encouraged him, again, to see Kyle’s therapist. I told him that possibly the therapist would have some ideas for him to help Kyle not get depressed. I hope I got through this time.

I hope that the appointment for next month will be effective and we can figure out how to make Kyle’s life not just bearable but positive and no longer something he feels frustrated over. I would love to have my baby back. Sometimes I think about when he was a baby and I can’t help but cry cause I miss him. He was the funnest, alert, happy, curious and wonderful little (he really was a little guy) baby. Sometimes I see other people and their adorable happy well behaved baby and I can’t help think about how you just never know what that baby will become. But, then again, I also watch shows like Beautiful Mind and Temple Grandin and I remember that things can change for the better too. Even my own daughter Hannah is comforting when I recall how horribly difficult she was when she was younger and how wonderful of a person she has become now. She was actually a easy teen to raise. We had moments but compared to normal kids she was a jewel. It was before that that we had so much trouble. So, I know, sometimes, that there is hope. And I know for sure I will not give up on Kyle. We will figure it out.

One thing I am very glad about is that we are not still in that horrible cult we had been in. If we were I have no doubt they would be saying my son is demon possessed. The idiot church leader who titled him self a prophet said Hannah was demon possessed and had no clue (from God who he hears from and speaks for, or so he wants people to believe) that she was autistic. Although this is abuse, I must tell you that it’s something which Hannah now takes great pride in. Love her sense of humor!

Haha! Aww! I almost forgot to add, my own health has been challenged. My periods may or may not happen monthly but when they do they last anywhere from three weeks to a month and a half. On top of losing all that blood, I had a blood test done while I was not pms’ing and it showed that I was very anemic as well as some other issues. So, I was told to take iron. (It has to be the Ferrous Sulfate kind and not the “other” kind.) No wonder I was craving rare hamburger. Lol. That was a while ago. I have been feeling a little better as far as energy so it was no surprise today when I got the call from my newer blood test that my blood levels have improved but the doc still wants me on iron. I did have something else that was off so now I need to see a rheumatologist. I had had a lot of tingling and pain in my arms, mostly the right, whenever I tried to go to sleep for quite a while. It’s improved a lot so I haven’t really been thinking about it but I’m sure it’s all related. I also have been diagnosed with RLS. The meds help a lot. I can’t hep but wonder what’s going on and what I will learn and piece together once I get to talk to a professional about it all.

So I gota tell you about the other night, if you’re still reading this. Lol! Kyle continuously wakes me up as long as he is awake. Usually he doesn’t drift off to seep for quite a while. Some nights he zonks right out and some nights he stays awake for a very long time. Usually it’s the in between one and if I let him talk to me he’ll wind down and pass out. However, the other night it was a no sleep night for him. I was dog tired, like usual, and kept passing out. Each time he would wake me. I think most of you know how that feels. It’s quite unpleasant. Anyway, it happened over and over so many times that I finally woke up and jerked at begin startled by the daylight. It was kinda funny.

So, there ya have it. Why I have been internet AWOL.

Now for the move which I am mostly looking forward to it. The trailer we are in now has such tiny rooms and it’s cold in the winter. I don’t know if the house we are moving into will be warm, but it is bigger. Here’s the crazy thing about houses. In each area or state there should be required things in a home. Like in tornado alley all homes (including apartments) should have storm cellars. I have heard California has codes that building have to be built earth quake proof. At least they get it! Here in Wisconsin homes should be required to have mud rooms. All the people in the homes here have big snow boots, big giant jackets, big snow pants, hats and gloves that get wet and so on. A little tiny coat closet or door way can not handle even one persons snow stuff let alone a family of five! Yeah! So, that’s what I think! If you’re gonna build a home here, or an apartment, or even a trailer, for cryin out loud include a mud room!!! Okay, I ranted. Thank you! Lol! Oh, yeah, another think I am looking forward to is not living in a small town with nothing to do in the winter which is most of the time. Moving is a pain in the back, and feet … and I will miss the porch and the neighbors, but, that’s about it. I’m ready to go!


On the lighter side, let me tell you about out hamster, Hanz. He’s a little hooligan. I just expect him to die, those little things get tumors and die so easy that I just expect it. This little dude likes to throw me off and appear dead sometimes. Today he was laying sideways on top of his floor stuff and twitching. OMG, really! I said something to Hannah and Levi about it but they are used to his antics and are more pessimistic about it anyway. So Levi calmly says, “touch him”. So I did and he just laid there twitching. So I touched him again. This time he got up and ran away to the other side of his tank. Twerp! Hannah and Levi thought is was so funny that he scared mommy, …again.

Life will get better because we will make it so. I sometimes wonder how friends and folks I know and have met have dealt with and how they have felt going through similar or even worse things then what I am going through with my son right now. I think of them and think they likely have the same thoughts and feelings I have and I understand that there is no way to really understand what it’s like unless you go through it. Yet I don’t wish it on anyone either. Once again I hope that by expressing myself and telling my story maybe it will help people understand at least a little and maybe it will help other parents or care givers like me know they are not alone. While you don’t have to hold on to fairy tales, you do have to hold on to hope. But I must say, fairy tales do provide a temporary escape from time to time. Although it partly pains me to send my son to his dads on the weekends I believe he is in a safe place and it gives me time to do something for myself and as I have recently come to understand, a break for the other kids. I feel very lucky to have this. In the past it wasn’t possible because my other kids were too young and had their own problems I had to be present for. So, as negative as things have gotten there is a ray of light. I read and watch inspirational things when I find myself getting to negative. It helps pull me back up. I also have a mental bucket list and ideas for my future that I can use to look forward to. I finally started a vision board. It took me a long time because I felt seeing pictures and words about what I want to do would be too depressing. But it’s actually not. It’s quite pleasant looking at those pics. I need to do more but at least I got it started.

Hey, come by my Autism, etc page and hit “like” and join the conversation, if there is one, or start one. Just be nice. If you wanna not be nice there’s a ton of other ASD groups that are fine with that. It’s at – https://www.facebook.com/autismrisesabove/.


And now for some funny pictures! 






This one is not funny. Lol!



Okay, I’ll stop now. 😉 

Read Full Post »

Written by Daniel Reid Stadler. 

Some people claim atheist have no morals or atheists are selfish. Here’s my story. I was raised in a Missouri Lutheran Synod household. My uncle is a pastor, his lot in the church is to raise up church attendance. His sermons are some of the best writing I’ve ever read and he can bring an entire congregation to tears or joy in a few minutes. I was fully prepared to follow his footsteps and become a pastor myself because I deeply love humanity and want to help in any way I can. My personal faith, was similar to most people. I felt and believed God was love. And his son, Jesus Christ was the embodiment of love in human form. To be a Christian meant loving everyone and I also believed that if you love something or someone it must be allowed to follow its own path unless it is interfering with someone else. Over the years I’ve also learned about many other religions and most believers feel the same about their God. They may have different beliefs about freedom and personal choice but their God(s) are reflections of their own feelings about the world and humanity. Over the course of my spiritual journey I have come to realize that the Christian God is not a God of love. And that I can be a more loving person if I am honest with myself and everyone around me. I still believe loving your neighbor is the way to live your life. I don’t believe in the stories passed down by religious leaders from 2000+ years ago. I believe in humanity and the goodness everyone has in them at birth. Life can damage a person and change their view but we are all born perfect. As members of humanity we must care for all people especially the children. I care too much to believe a god exists who would allow the suffering I see everyday. If he/she does exist then that deity is not a god of love but is instead a god of pain and suffering. I don’t care how eternal and great the afterlife could be. I wouldn’t stand by and watch the suffering individual people go through and not act. Somehow an all powerful, all knowing, all aware deity allows this because heaven? That’s messed up. In the words of John Lennon, “I just believe in me…. And that’s reality.” I believe I have an obligation to help and show the love I feel for other people. Secular humanism requires caring for others and placing their needs before your own. Not because in the afterlife I will be granted something great. But because it is the right thing to do.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »