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Archive for June, 2010

My Belly Monologue

I’ve had a battle accepting my belly.

I decided a few years ago to go ahead and wear a bikini. I was inspired by the Hawaiian and Samoan woman in Hawaii. Some of those mommas are quite large and they spot a bikini as if to say, “don’t like it, don’t look”. I decided to adopt that way of thinking.¬† But I still wanted to get plastic surgery done on my tummy. I wanted to wear a belly jewel but not till I had my belly fixed up. I’m not against plastic surgery but I now accept my belly for the beauty that it is. I now plan to get my belly button pierced just the way it is. Gee, maybe I’ll even add a tattoo. ūüėČ

Soon I plan to do the monologue in Vlog form. If you have anything to add about how you feel about your belly please do. Or maybe you have a monologue for another part of your body or life. We’d love to hear it! If I find something you wrote that I would like to add to a blog or volg I will not do so until asking you first.

My Belly Monologue

This is my belly

My belly is beautiful

My belly held life

In my case it held and delivered four lives

The lives my belly held will be a force to recon with

The lives my belly held will better the lives around us

The lives my belly housed, comforted, fed, loved

Are amazing people

They have their own thoughts

They are creative

They make me

Laugh

Scream

Jump for joy

Hide from frustration

My belly was the home for people who are real

My belly looks a little smother when I have extra weight on me

When I am in good shape my belly is all saggy and wrinkly

If I didn’t have babies that lived in my belly

It would look very different then it does now

If I didn’t have the babies that lived in my belly

I wouldn’t know these wonderful real people

I wouldn’t have them with me to teach and guide and encourage

to touch, to love, to hold,

To be a part of them changing this world for the better

I love my belly just the way it is

I don’t need to hide my belly

I proudly sport my belly at the pool and the beach

If you don’t like my belly

Then find something else to look at

My belly is beautiful

My belly held life

This is MY belly!

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Letter to and from my Mom.

is blog will be added to from time to time.

I have found our communication via e-mail rather interesting. So I decided to blog them.

From: my mom to me
Subject: My question

Dear Lori, Thanks for the communications last night.¬† So glad to catch you sometimes, when I get a chance to get online with you.¬† Someday I hope to get a phone that goes online.¬† Just thinking of you this morning.¬† Yes, I do listen to you…I even try to take walks and then I think….Lori would be happy with me, she loves me and hopes I’ll be healthy!
My thots of you this morning could worry me, but since the shingles, I’m learning not to worry.¬† So I’ll just let you know that I am praying for you in the love and power of the Lord Jesus Christ, from Whom all blessings flow!
This year is the 60th anniversary of my parents’ divorce.¬† I asked The Lord, why their problem has always made me cry….that’s a¬†long time.¬† I felt the answer was b/c they never acknowledged each other’s existance.¬† Neither one would ask about the other, it was as if there was this strong denial….like a sad fairy tale…something unreal.¬† Now, I am so glad that you and Karl acknowledge each other….such a simple thing to you, but so dear to being kind and truthful.¬† Showing such forgiveness and love.
But this AM…I recalled the wound on my mother’s personality.¬† She would have been so wise to forgive both my Dad and Lu.¬† It takes time and for me it takes the power of the Lord.¬† But what lesson I can learn, I certainly want to learn.¬† You have been more wounded by “Christians” than even by Karl, I suppose.¬† And although you may never have known the fulness of the Lord’s salvation….He wants you to acknowledge His existence!¬† He has never been your enemy.¬† Apart from all the fluff and lies about Him.¬† He really is real and He Himself has never hurt you.
About my question, I realize that I have no real open door right now to address¬†the issue of alternate religions, or alternate sources of wisdom.¬† But I do love you…I once reminded you that with all my mistakes, I really do have love and respect for you as an adult and a parent.
A verse that came to mind about your knowledge of The Lord is “They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy”.¬† Also¬†Jonah prayed “When my soul fainted within me I remembered The Lord; and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple.” This is from the book of Jonah…remember he was running from obeying the Lord, from his calling to warn Nineveh. Maybe he too had been hurt by “religious” people.¬† He said this and more while in the belly of the whale.
Well, it’ll be awhile until I get to drop you an email….but meanwhile, Love You Much, Your Mom

From: Me to mom
Title: Re. My question

Thanks Mom! Your e-mail was short and sweet and right to the point. My kind of communication.

It’s nice we have faith in each unlike Kari but sad Kari doesn’t. Her day will come, I think. I’m not concerned about her being friends to the Turners. It’s just annoying that we lived almost forever together and she used to know I was the level headed one of the bunch. But her friends, (Turners) have programed her to believe I’ve gone wild. I admitted to her that I’ve tried a few things out. I’m not hiding stuff. I learned it wasn’t all that and that was it, back to level headed me. But to her because I had a beer and, well, that’s about it, I am runnin wild. lol Oh, and beer is the best thirst quencher and very fattening. Just thought I’d throw the trivia in. lol

About religion, funny thing is, my Wiccan friends have often reminded me to be forgiving and no not give up on Jesus. A lot of these folks are just happy to be simple and loving. I haven’t lied to them either, I admit I seem more agnostic than anything. I had given up on everything for a while, religion, forgiveness, accepting my past. I just needed to sort things out on my own. Not being told what was right by the Turners, Kari, you, other people, anyone. I’m doing so much better now. I’m slowly reintegrating the good things. You know, the baby, not the bath water. lol I’ve got the accepting my past part, I used to want to completely change it and now I wouldn’t touch it. To many life lessons to dismiss. And you know how we are, love to help people and our experiences make us better at that.

I was wondering who told you I was in to White Witchcraft. I figure who ever it was wasn’t intentionally trying to cause a breach between us but they really should consider the possible consequences when gossiping. I’m not mad at who ever it was, but someone should help them understand they need to be careful. Any who, I guess you could say I am interested in White Witchcraft and I’m interested in White Christians and White Muslims and White … well, people who practice what they preach, and show loving kindness and don’t persecute people who believe differently. We certainly need more White Christians. Yes, I made that term up but it is fitting. That would make the Turners Black Christians. Now that just sounds wrong. hee hee Sounds like I have a color problem. Ok, Bill Washabaugh and Leon Shearer are Black Christians. There, now I don’t sound predigest.

I really thought you were gonna set Fred on me. I’m glad you didn’t. I love him but I would have hung up on him. I’d rather talk straight up with my mom.

What you said about Grandma really makes sense. I am glad to not be bitter against Preston and to be his friend. And i see how what you said relates to Jesus. That makes sense too. I may not chose the path you want me to chose but I hope you will accept me for who I am like i have accepted you for who you are. I’ve told you before I do not accept the ways of UPC but that doesn’t change my love for you and I am not trying to get you to leave them though I consider them a cult. I see you do not live among the UPC’s in a cult manner. You kinda do your own thing no matter what. I think you are helping some of them to think more freely rather than being church zombies.

Well now I am the one going on and on. lol I guess we switched.

I love you mom,

Lori

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From my mom to me:

Title: How’d I know?

Hi Lori, Thanks for the message…..I finally got online….but just for a minute….I got to read your email…..kinda long…lol….not really, not for me….loved it of course.

Who in the whole wide world would tell me about your religious interest?¬† YOU, of course, you must not think that I listen to you.¬† Wow…insight….maybe as a very busy Mom, I did not listen to you enough….Whoa…do you listen to those bright kids of yours?¬† Come on be real, no one listens to 4 kids, all day, intentively?!?!?¬† I recall hungering for some adult company….and acting soooo funny when I got to talk to an adult sometimes.¬† Remember I watched other children for pay while I got to stay home with your two, so I had lots of kids.
Anyway, for what it is worth to you…..you remind me of Eve!¬† Yes, Eve, like in the Garden of Eden.¬† What did she fall for?¬† “Hummmmm, more wisdom….a tree I must not eat of???….sounds soooo interesting…..a tree to make one wise????…..Now I forgot what part God said and what part the serpent said…..oh, it’ll be alright.¬† What’s this “good and evil” stuff…..I sure know good, but what is evil, can’t hurt,¬†can it?¬†¬† Evil must be good for me because God said “no”….(reasoning just like a 3 year old). And after all God shouldn’t keep anything from me…..that is…if….He really loves me.¬† Right?”¬† In conversing within herself….Can’t you hear the wheels turning?¬†¬† Can’t you reckon her very thots?¬†¬† Here is another one…”I must find out more so I can be such a great mother.¬† After all my kids must know everything and not be denied any information.”¬† She would have gone crazy in our day¬†with a computer online!
Lori, yes, we are different and that is great.¬† This is great to get to know you better.¬† And that is important to me.¬† But somethings….I do not even want to know….really…..I’m not nosey and I know enough to stay away from some things.¬† Even on the internet….I’m not going to some sites…..I’ve got better things to do…..even washing my dishes by myself is better than some sites.
Did I ever tell you that I was a Jobbie?¬† That is short for Job’s Daughter?¬† Well it finally really dawned on me that it was an exclusive club….certain requirements would always keep some of my friends out.¬† So at the early age of 13 I withdrew…¬† Now I bring this up, because it was part of the Masons….and they specialize in Wisdom….but really Worldly Wisdom.¬† Sure they talk about God….but they try to reinvent Him.¬† Not a good idea…not for them, not for Pentecostals, not for anyone.¬† This is self-centered wisdom.
Honey, I do not try to find myself….I do not try to find worldly wisdom.¬† Maybe I did before and did not realize it at the time. You and I are alike in always stiving to help others, like you said.¬† But I am much older and much more tired of trying and not really helping and also being such a fool.¬† Jesus said “Come¬†unto Me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest!”¬† Then He added “Take My yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.¬† For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
I have spiritual gifts, Yes, but I prayed long ago, that they would be used only for the Kingdom of God, and no other use!  That was and still is a great prayer!  Love You More Than You Know, Your Mom
PS….PaPaw (Fred) says “we are a cult” ….everybody says so….because we believe that Jesus is God manifested in the flesh!¬† I Timothy 3:16¬† (But we really believe that a cult is when someone else is doing your thinking for you!)¬† He sends his love to you.

Note: Pawpaw is Fred, my step dad. He married my mom about nine years ago.
From: Me to my mom
Title:Eve and such

About Eve, What a great way to control people. Reminds me of Elder Turner. Do not question, do not seek or you will go to hell. Was it God who put that out there or was it man who wrote it in so we would’nt find out the truth, that Christianity stole just about every thing from paganism. Not just Christmas and other holidays, it’s pretty much everything. But if the Church (likely Catholic) let us do research we would find this out. So what better way to stop the truth and to keep the revenue coming in than to inflict fear to those who seek from the heart. I’m sure you will be happy to know that the trinity that you love to preach against actually comes from paganism as well. If I was to afraid to research I wouldn’t have found that out.

About Eve, NO! I have no interest in evil, I have no reason to want to get to know it. You are reading me very wrong. Not mad about it, just making it clear.

Honesty I have to really consider if I should send this answer or revert to patronizing you. I’m sorry to say my faith in you is week. I believe you will only read into my words what you want to see. I hope I am wrong. As you can see I am not going to patronise you, well, unless you do what a lot of Christians do and start talking in circles. Then I would have no choice. I love you and like I said before I do not intend to change you. I do not want to change your religious beliefs in most areas, just the ones that cause you fear and to put peoples beliefs down that you do not truly understand. This may seem insulting to you because of your age, but so is predigest and that seems to grow with age. I too could take offence in you thinking I have an interest in evil but I don’t take mush offence. I think it is strange and proves you don’t know me like you say. But you were honest and that is more important. Also, I am done with hiding in the shadows because I am afraid of being misunderstood and afraid of hurting or disappointing people and people telling me what to think and well, you know how it was. It wasn’t just the Turners, it was You, Dad, Kari, Preston… etc. I have reasons for what I believe and I will stand up for those reasons. I am no longer bitter, I no longer want to change my past. That certainly is not by any means evil contrary to some peoples opinion.

Yeah, I remember you tellin us about the Job’s daughters and such.

I do like to help people like you said we both do. I hope I misunderstood, it sounded like you think it did no good. I saw you do a lot of good and still are. I’ve seen you help people and help them change for the better. I will do good (again, not evil) I am determined and will allow no one to take that determination out of my sails. Sure, I will have off days, but the on switch is just a click away. I will help people, it’s what I have a passion for, so that it. End of that discussion. If Fred is the one that convinced you that you never really helped anyone than major shame on him. And major shame on him for sayin that God can not speak through woman. You so know better. This doesn’t mean you have to fight with him, he won’t change. But you don’t have to live under that lie. His wisdom comes through experience and he has a lot of experience, don’t confuse experience with God. You did that with Elder Turner please don’t repeat your mistake. Men are not God!!! Why they want to be I will never know. I do not hate Fred, like I said he has a lot of wisdom through experience but I am not deceived by him either.

Well, that’s enough for now.

Love you all the same.

Lori

Title: Eve and such
From: mom to me

Hey Sweetheart, wow, I got to get online again to see your message, but am in such a big hurry to open the diner….so got to go and will reply later….but for now….yes, I do appreciate your reply and am not offended….yes, we both have alot to learn about each other….Nope, I did not want you to think that I believe that you are interested in “evil”….but I can see that my email looked that way….very sorry…..more later!¬† Neither men nor women are the better people!….Nor the worse!¬† Many do stumble at that one….soooo simple!¬† You are raising both men and women….can’t afford that stumbling block!¬† Later, would like to know how Ted is?¬†¬† And did you and the kids enjoy Karl’s visit?¬† Love, Mom


From: my mom to me
July 26, 2010

Hi Sweetheart, guess u r 2 busy with company to return my call.¬† Glad u had all those friends visiting u.¬†¬† Now if i had my wish, u all wud come to Camden (no ughs, pls) to see me of course, but to see Kari and her kids as well.¬† But come to think of it, you’ve all gotten together not too long ago?!?!?!
What about this beautiful LOFT cell phone from Radio Shack, not good enough, huh?¬† Well let me know, I pack it and send it off to you.¬† I left a msg. for u to call about it.¬† Or has everything worked out and u don’t need it.¬† U and I agree U all need a cell in the car for emergencies.¬† Love U and miss U when I am not 2 tired.
Wish again….that u wanted a diner…tee…hee!¬†¬† Love, Ur Mom¬† A Big Kiss to Kids
__________________________________________________________________–
From me to my mom.

By reading this it sounds like I hurt your feelings. This was a very spiteful letter. I love you but I will not be controlled by you and using guilt trips on me makes me not want to talk to you at all. I am not used to not having my cell phone and I am not used to checking my answering machine on my house phone. If I didn’t have that excuse and I just didn’t want to talk at this time there is nothing wrong with that. This is why I am glad you live far away. I don’t believe you mean harm but you are too controlling and manipulative for me. I love visiting you from time to time and even conversations or exchange of e-mail with you when they are just that and not this horribleness that you sent me on here.

As far as “all my friends” who are visiting me, you know who they are. You know it is (name omitted) and (name omitted). We talked about this. You told me you were not jealous of them but by you referring to them in a distant way I see that you are. I can not change you, I can not change the way you feel but, it’s not healthy and… well, you taught me very well that God does not like jealousy, that it is a sin, that it is something you just don’t do and if you do do it you repent quickly. Like I said, that is how you raised me so it is only right that you do it unless you don’t believe in that part of the scriptures anymore.


I still Love you and I forgive you but I will return the phone to you if it is already sent. If not then keep it for you or someone else. I will not have your mental ties to me even if you say they are not there, I can see they will be. I am not bound to you or Elder Turner, or Kari or even “my friends” like that. BTW, that is one of the reasons I get along so well with “my friends” is because they do not try to control or manipulate me and I do not do it to them or, to the best of my knowledge, any one. If I do and I learn that I am doing it I will stop and better myself. I may feel bad about it but I am learning so pride isn’t an issue.

Alright then, I know you may not be used to me speaking my mind but the other way is not any good so at least you don’t have to guess at what I’m thinking.

Lori


I know I sound extreme but if I don’t put my foot down then I won’t have a foot to stand on. It’s stressful but I won’t go back to where I came from.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

rom: Joan
To: Lori
Sent: Fri, September 3, 2010
Subject: schedule change

Hi Lori, just a quick note to let you know that I can stay one more day…that way I can hear all about the first day of school from each grandchild.¬† Wow…that will be great.¬† Thank you so much for having me…..see you soon….no change in my arrival.¬† I’ll be leaving from Little Rock by ll:39pm tonight….it’ll take about 16hours to get there.¬† Should be a nice trip….sleeping (i hope) then great views from Chicago to Kalamazoo.¬† So, about 7:39pm on Saturday, I’ll be seeing you.,,,all.¬†¬† Love, Mom

From: Lori
Subject: Re: schedule change
To: “Joan
Date: Saturday, September 4, 2010,

I know this was a disappointment to you. I’m sorry to hurt you in any way, it’s not my intention. Hannah hasn’t fully recovered from what happened when you were here. She had me read your notes on FaceBook to her. She didn’t say much, she can be poker face so I don’t know what she’s thinking. I asked her to write you back and she said she didn’t want to. I know for me that time heals and I think it may be the same with Hannah. Your short notes are good but it is time that will heal her, pressure will prolong it.

We actually went back to church for the first time last Sunday. That’s another reason I wasn’t ready to have you here. It was a huge deal, the kids were not happy about going and Hannah was scared to step in the door. She remembers Arkansas quite well and her memories are mostly bad. The greeter took us to the Sunday school room and she and the boys stayed in the hall. Kara and I went in and sat down after I told the greeter I may have to stay with the kids in Sunday school. Finally I asked Hannah to come in cause the boys were doing what she did so she came in and sat down. While I sat there I thought about how glad I was to do this now cause waiting would likely make it worse. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of church no matter what path they follow in life. As you probably figured it was not United Pentecostal and I don’t ever plan on it being that. I’m glad for you that you are happy in the UPC’s but it is not for me. I actually picked a Universal Unitarian church. I am agreeable with their non judgmental stance, it fits how I believe better. I understand all churches no matter the name differ from each other and I am looking forward to getting to know this one. The folks were very friendly but it being our first time I can’t say what it will be like. Surprisingly, Hannah was the one who told me she wanted to go back next Sunday.

Back to you not coming out, I need to do this with my kids and no one else for a while. I’m not sure you would want to come anyway but still I don’t need the extra mental strain. I know your past beliefs on this type of church and it wasn’t good along with you pushiness about UPC. I understand you mean well, but when I say no it means no. I think I inherited my strong stance from you.

I’ll keep you updated on the kids and school. It’s the best I can do for you at this time. I really thank you for listening to me and canceling your trip. I really appreciate it and I know it must not have been easy. I love you mom.

Lori

From: Joan
To: Lori
Sent: Sun, September 5, 2010
Subject: Re: schedule change

Hi Lori, Great message, thank you Sweetheart!¬† And I love you too.¬† I am sorry for what has been interpreted as judgemental….and yes, I can see lately what you saw…esp. in my trying to correct people in any way.¬† The Truth is the Truth and I can speak that but not keep trying to fix things or worse yet trying to fix people.¬† It’s not too late for me to learn.

By the way, I am not in the UPC…i remain nondenominational….or trans denominational or whatever….you might recall i told a Muslim that I am not a Christian….not when in history that word meant someone who would kill Muslims…for example the crusades or the inquisition.¬† But I do belong to Jesus and He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

Were my thank you note and my apology seen as pressure?  Hope not, main idea from you was that time can heal all wounds.  Hannah has been through alot. And you too, so, you both are healing and the wounds are deep and real.

Love You Too…bye for now, Mom

PS posted a few links on my facebook wall….one about To Kill a Mocking Bird!

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From: Lori

To: Joan

Sorry on the misunderstanding about UPC. In some ways I could see you do things your own way not necessarily theirs but then again you always try to hook me up with a UPS church in my area.

I have more healing, sure, however I have healed up a lot and am doing pretty good. I may seem to some folks like I’m bitter or not doing well cause I try to be straight up honest and that can be interpreted as negative. I just find it works out better in the long run. Hannah is actually doing great in most areas. She can be very negative in general but even that has been minimal lately.

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I just realized this video does not have the title and credits I had put on it in Windows Movie Maker. It seems YouTube and such do not allow me to down load from there. Quite frustrating too cause it came out very good.

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