I lie here beneath the nights sky…

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Mr. Advantage Gambler

By Lorenakoran 11/10/23

Don’t wave your winnings in front of me

You know I sit here on empty

You win a jackpot and you gotta tell

But I’m the lady with kids who’s living in hell

Sometimes we don’t have enough to eat

Can’t get my sons medicine, let alone meat

I’m glad for you that you won so much

But wave it in my face when I’m hungry for lunch?

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The Big Man With Big Blonde Hair

By Lorenakoran 11/10/1223

There was a big man with big blond hair, long mustache and baggy blue jeans

He walked into the place never looking my way

He sauntered around the corner right up to a machine

Without much time passing he began to swear 

Until it made him exclaim something in glee

To my surprise he didn’t linger but heaved himself back around the corner

Barely glancing my way and

Heading right back out the door

I thought the man had hit it lucky

But that was not the case

Only one machine was not out of order 

Someone else was playing the one and only game

I now understand why the man had gotten upset

But why did he later sound happy

I think I misunderstood his grunt of joy

Or maybe he passed gas or just cracked his back

What ever it be he didn’t care about me 

And for that I am just fine

I didn’t need his attention 

Since the best I know 

It wouldn’t have been a blessing

Or maybe it would have been just fine

I can’t really say because

I just really don’t know

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Panic at the Meltdown

Written on 9/13/2023

I worked early today and it was a pretty easy day for the most part, … except my feet were hurting really bad.

Since I worked earlier I got off earlier and the pain increased and spread up my leg’s and my ribs hurt. Just to clarify, the pain didn’t increase because I got off earlier, I’ve just been under a lot of stress and stress triggers the CFS and Fibro symptoms. It took me a long ass time to get home cause I had to walk at practically a crawling pace.

Not like one of those fast crawling babies like my son Kyle was, he won a Jamba Juice crawling contest once when he was a baby and I got a bunch of free Jamba Juice, it was awesome! Yes, I shared some of them with the kids. Just some of them.

Anyway, more like a slow person in a lot of pain type of crawling pace.

When I got back to the room something set me off and I had a “melt down” of sorts and went off at Kara and Tyler. By going “off” for me it’s just being grumpy and getting upset that the dishes aren’t done or something like that.

I can take a lot and I do take a lot but then it all piles up and Kaboom!

Kara dealt with it by being understanding, washing a few dishes, and going off at Tyler.

Tyler dealt with it by being freaked out and then lecturing me about it.

What I needed, … what I needed was what I’ve always needed when things just get to be too much. I needed empathy and time alone.

But I can’t expect people to just know that so I had to find a way to communicate it. At first it came off more like a bad apology, you know, the kind where a person says they’re sorry and then tells you why they really aren’t sorry and why it’s all someone else’s fault.

I didn’t mean for it to come off that way and eventually Tyler and I came to an understanding, for which I’m thankful. Meanwhile, Kara’s asleep.

I really do not mean to hurt anyone, and I am “sorrowful” for causing harm and discomfort. At the same time I still need compassion and time to heal and understanding. One concept doesn’t always have to negate the other.

I still think we do really well considering the three of us live in very cramped quarters with very little to no privacy. Getting away here isn’t really getting away cause when we leave the room the odds are there will be people and noise, often excessive noise, and so on.

I pay about $60 a day to stay here in this one room, two bed, hotel room with a mini frig, small microwave, small dresser, desk, and a night stand. Sure, for a short time stay that’s a good deal and normally the room would be more like $100 a night but since we’ve been here so long we get the long term managers special and don’t have to pay room tax. But, … it’s $1,800 for a 30 day month. I don’t actually make that much, I pay what I can and eventually get behind and then on the first when I get my pension I use it to catch us up and then it all starts over again.

Being homeless is So Much Work !!! I am not usually in this much pain, some pain, but not this much. I am almost always exhausted. When my friend and sister asked if they could help ease some of the load like with paper work and stuff it felt exhausting even trying to think of how they could help. My friend figured out she could help by printing forms off for me when needed and giving me a ride to the court house when we finally get that going. I haven’t yet got it going.
My sister helped me by trying to figure out which forms I needed to fill out to contest the evection on my record, I’ve never actually been evicted but my record says I have.
I still haven’t gotten any of that stuff done. I feel like I come off as ungrateful but I’m not, I’m just tired and barley able to do the minimum of what I need to do.

On the good side, we did finally complete the course we were require to take to get help from a local organization. So, now all we have to do is fill in the “homework” and send it back. The homework is a bunch of application like forms. I’ve done quite a bit of mine but there’s some things I need to make calls and get the info for and I need to be awake and alert during business’ hours to do that. I think Levi may be done with his. All four of us have to do our own set of forms and turn them in. Then we will get a mentor. We will still need to do the home hunting and there’s some more steps after that.

The housing program isn’t just good for me due to having the false eviction on my record but also the oldest two cause they were evicted from Bethel Place in Arpin, WI, the place where Tyler was verbally and physically assaulted and the place where the landlord took me to eviction court even though I didn’t live there. And it’s good for Levi because he has no credit history. He does have a good rental history now, but most places will judge you by your credit score regardless. So, even if I were to get the false eviction off my record first, the program is something we probably needed regardless. My credit score could certainly be better too. I have to pour all my income into the hotel so, for now, I’m not able to pay my old bills and they have been turned over to creditors.

Why am I telling you all this?

Partly because I want to, and this is my page and you’re not the boss of me!

That was humor in case you didn’t know.

When it comes to writing we can’t expect everyone to know when we’re using humor and that’s okay. I mean, it’s not like I can make a face at you or wink or smile. I’m harping on this cause recently I was belittled for not catching some ones humor online. I think I’d just rather they remove me and block me, but whatever! I guess it showed me their true colors. I’ll never trust them again, for sure! Blah! They are like the taste of ear wax. Belittling people is not okay. Yuck!

I share things somewhat as insight into my life but also because I am never the only one going through what I am going through. Maybe by reading about what I’m going through and how I feel and all will help others with understanding and empathy and compassion towards other people like me. Maybe you can’t help me, but maybe by bettering your understanding you’ll be able to help someone else somewhere down the road. Or maybe you’ll be able to avoid some of the things that have led to my demise or if you are in a similar situation maybe you won’t feel so alone.

For those who wonder, Tyler IS trying to get a job. His last job closed up and left without paying him and even bounced a check that they had given him which has cause a problem with his bank account. Although it’s 2023, autism and type one diabetes are a problem when it comes to decent employment. However, Tyler will find something eventually, I just hope it’s not another place that takes advantage of people or abuses people with disabilities.

Here’s the thing about disabilities and challenges like autism, ADHD, Anxiety disorder, OCD, depression, trauma, even diabetes, & etc., it may not show physically but it often still very much affects a persons ability to have a “normal” life and many people with these conditions depend on a caregiver who is usually not paid to take care of them, like a parent for instance. Many people with mental challenges like those either can not “launch” or take longer. So, when the child support stops and other helpful stuff ends, the parenting job isn’t necessarily over, it just has to be done along with working a job or another job. And if the parent or guardian has a disability or so, it doesn’t matter, well, to some it might, but to people like me I am not going to dump my kids in the gutter and leave them there.

Maybe a GoFundMe will be the answer to all our problems. My mom and friend tried that avenue.
I have had negative results in the raising money area but I thought maybe it’s me, maybe if someone else did it things would be better, I was trying to be positive about it. It’s been around four months now and there have been two very kind people who have donated. I am really thankful for them and for my friend and mom for trying. My sister has gone out of her way to try to help and I am thankful and often feel bad about it cause she has her own family and needs.

It’s usually the folks who don’t have that give the most, I find. Especially weed, I’ve been given “flower” a few time by homeless people now. Sorry, but, they couldn’t afford it but they were good people who wanted to help out another struggling person and that’s all they had to give. There was this one guy who was asking for “a hand out” and gave Tyler his sandwich meat and mini jar of mayo. It was so nice of him!
Yeah, I do that too but I grew up giving so it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I guess it is at least sometimes, it the receiving that always feels like a big deal to me.

I know people with plenty but I don’t think they give a second thought about helping and I wont ask them. I’m not really even sure why, maybe it’s something I should do. I think it may be a flaw. I’m not sure of the psychology here, I’m too tired to think deep right now.

Also, if you’re wondering, yes, I did apply for disability and I was denied. Yes, I plan to keep at it but I haven’t yet, it’s one of the many things I need to do.
I don’t mind working, I often even like it, but my body is so wore out.
When it comes to CFS and fibromyalgia I can’t plan for when I’ll be okay and when I won’t. I can often get an idea but it’s not a set schedule.

I really should be working “from home” and not on my feet but I’m currently doing quite the opposite. I usually like my job but I can feel it taking it’s toll and it’s not good. The longer I do it, the worse things get. Sometimes when I’m working and the fatigue and pain sets in I wish I had one of those devices that Baron Vladimir Harkonnen floats around in. Lol!

I hope you guys have a better day then my evening was. I think the rest of my night will be better. Things change, feelings change, nothing stays the same and for that I am grateful!

Note; Regarding the art, I used an AI generator to do them. I altered a few of them on paint. I understand it is preferred to actually pay real people to do art work but I have no way of being able to pay for that. If I did I certainly would do it. I’d love to take some art courses so I could do my own art without the help of an AI art generator but for now this is what works. You can find my NightCafe AI art page at https://creator.nightcafe.studio/u/LoriRevels . Be sure to check it out and heart the art you like, comment, and Follow! Thanks!

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