I worked early today and it was a pretty easy day for the most part, … except my feet were hurting really bad.
Since I worked earlier I got off earlier and the pain increased and spread up my leg’s and my ribs hurt. Just to clarify, the pain didn’t increase because I got off earlier, I’ve just been under a lot of stress and stress triggers the CFS and Fibro symptoms. It took me a long ass time to get home cause I had to walk at practically a crawling pace.
Not like one of those fast crawling babies like my son Kyle was, he won a Jamba Juice crawling contest once when he was a baby and I got a bunch of free Jamba Juice, it was awesome! Yes, I shared some of them with the kids. Just some of them.
Anyway, more like a slow person in a lot of pain type of crawling pace.
When I got back to the room something set me off and I had a “melt down” of sorts and went off at Kara and Tyler.By going “off” for me it’s just being grumpy and getting upset that the dishes aren’t done or something like that.
I can take a lot and I do take a lot but then it all piles up and Kaboom!
Kara dealt with it by being understanding, washing a few dishes, and going off at Tyler.
Tyler dealt with it by being freaked out and then lecturing me about it.
What I needed, … what I needed was what I’ve always needed when things just get to be too much. I needed empathy and time alone.
But I can’t expect people to just know that so I had to find a way to communicate it. At first it came off more like a bad apology, you know, the kind where a person says they’re sorry and then tells you why they really aren’t sorry and why it’s all someone else’s fault.
I didn’t mean for it to come off that way and eventually Tyler and I came to an understanding, for which I’m thankful. Meanwhile, Kara’s asleep.
I really do not mean to hurt anyone, and I am “sorrowful” for causing harm and discomfort. At the same time I still need compassion and time to heal and understanding. One concept doesn’t always have to negate the other.
I still think we do really well considering the three of us live in very cramped quarters with very little to no privacy. Getting away here isn’t really getting away cause when we leave the room the odds are there will be people and noise, often excessive noise, and so on.
I pay about $60 a day to stay here in this one room, two bed, hotel room with a mini frig, small microwave, small dresser, desk, and a night stand. Sure, for a short time stay that’s a good deal and normally the room would be more like $100 a night but since we’ve been here so long we get the long term managers special and don’t have to pay room tax. But, … it’s $1,800 for a 30 day month. I don’t actually make that much, I pay what I can and eventually get behind and then on the first when I get my pension I use it to catch us up and then it all starts over again.
Being homeless is So Much Work !!! I am not usually in this much pain, some pain, but not this much. I am almost always exhausted. When my friend and sister asked if they could help ease some of the load like with paper work and stuff it felt exhausting even trying to think of how they could help. My friend figured out she could help by printing forms off for me when needed and giving me a ride to the court house when we finally get that going. I haven’t yet got it going. My sister helped me by trying to figure out which forms I needed to fill out to contest the evection on my record, I’ve never actually been evicted but my record says I have. I still haven’t gotten any of that stuff done. I feel like I come off as ungrateful but I’m not, I’m just tired and barley able to do the minimum of what I need to do.
On the good side, we did finally complete the course we were require to take to get help from a local organization. So, now all we have to do is fill in the “homework” and send it back. The homework is a bunch of application like forms. I’ve done quite a bit of mine but there’s some things I need to make calls and get the info for and I need to be awake and alert during business’ hours to do that. I think Levi may be done with his. All four of us have to do our own set of forms and turn them in. Then we will get a mentor. We will still need to do the home hunting and there’s some more steps after that.
The housing program isn’t just good for me due to having the false eviction on my record but also the oldest two cause they were evicted from Bethel Place in Arpin, WI, the place where Tyler was verbally and physically assaulted and the place where the landlord took me to eviction court even though I didn’t live there. And it’s good for Levi because he has no credit history. He does have a good rental history now, but most places will judge you by your credit score regardless. So, even if I were to get the false eviction off my record first, the program is something we probably needed regardless. My credit score could certainly be better too. I have to pour all my income into the hotel so, for now, I’m not able to pay my old bills and they have been turned over to creditors.
Why am I telling you all this?
Partly because I want to, and this is my page and you’re not the boss of me!
That was humor in case you didn’t know.
When it comes to writing we can’t expect everyone to know when we’re using humor and that’s okay. I mean, it’s not like I can make a face at you or wink or smile. I’m harping on this cause recently I was belittled for not catching some ones humor online. I think I’d just rather they remove me and block me, but whatever! I guess it showed me their true colors. I’ll never trust them again, for sure! Blah! They are like the taste of ear wax. Belittling people is not okay. Yuck!
I share things somewhat as insight into my life but also because I am never the only one going through what I am going through. Maybe by reading about what I’m going through and how I feel and all will help others with understanding and empathy and compassion towards other people like me. Maybe you can’t help me, but maybe by bettering your understanding you’ll be able to help someone else somewhere down the road. Or maybe you’ll be able to avoid some of the things that have led to my demise or if you are in a similar situation maybe you won’t feel so alone.
For those who wonder, Tyler IS trying to get a job. His last job closed up and left without paying him and even bounced a check that they had given him which has cause a problem with his bank account. Although it’s 2023, autism and type one diabetes are a problem when it comes to decent employment. However, Tyler will find something eventually, I just hope it’s not another place that takes advantage of people or abuses people with disabilities.
Here’s the thing about disabilities and challenges like autism, ADHD, Anxiety disorder, OCD, depression, trauma, even diabetes, & etc., it may not show physically but it often still very much affects a persons ability to have a “normal” life and many people with these conditions depend on a caregiver who is usually not paid to take care of them, like a parent for instance. Many people with mental challenges like those either can not “launch” or take longer. So, when the child support stops and other helpful stuff ends, the parenting job isn’t necessarily over, it just has to be done along with working a job or another job. And if the parent or guardian has a disability or so, it doesn’t matter, well, to some it might, but to people like me I am not going to dump my kids in the gutter and leave them there.
Maybe a GoFundMe will be the answer to all our problems. My mom and friend tried that avenue. I have had negative results in the raising money area but I thought maybe it’s me, maybe if someone else did it things would be better, I was trying to be positive about it. It’s been around four months now and there have been two very kind people who have donated. I am really thankful for them and for my friend and mom for trying. My sister has gone out of her way to try to help and I am thankful and often feel bad about it cause she has her own family and needs.
It’s usually the folks who don’t have that give the most, I find. Especially weed, I’ve been given “flower” a few time by homeless people now. Sorry, but, they couldn’t afford it but they were good people who wanted to help out another struggling person and that’s all they had to give. There was this one guy who was asking for “a hand out” and gave Tyler his sandwich meat and mini jar of mayo. It was so nice of him! Yeah, I do that too but I grew up giving so it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I guess it is at least sometimes, it the receiving that always feels like a big deal to me.
I know people with plenty but I don’t think they give a second thought about helping and I wont ask them. I’m not really even sure why, maybe it’s something I should do. I think it may be a flaw. I’m not sure of the psychology here, I’m too tired to think deep right now.
Also, if you’re wondering, yes, I did apply for disability and I was denied. Yes, I plan to keep at it but I haven’t yet, it’s one of the many things I need to do. I don’t mind working, I often even like it, but my body is so wore out. When it comes to CFS and fibromyalgia I can’t plan for when I’ll be okay and when I won’t. I can often get an idea but it’s not a set schedule.
I really should be working “from home” and not on my feet but I’m currently doing quite the opposite. I usually like my job but I can feel it taking it’s toll and it’s not good. The longer I do it, the worse things get. Sometimes when I’m working and the fatigue and pain sets in I wish I had one of those devices that Baron Vladimir Harkonnen floats around in. Lol!
I hope you guys have a better day then my evening was. I think the rest of my night will be better. Things change, feelings change, nothing stays the same and for that I am grateful!
Note; Regarding the art, I used an AI generator to do them. I altered a few of them on paint. I understand it is preferred to actually pay real people to do art work but I have no way of being able to pay for that. If I did I certainly would do it. I’d love to take some art courses so I could do my own art without the help of an AI art generator but for now this is what works.You can find my NightCafe AI art page at https://creator.nightcafe.studio/u/LoriRevels . Be sure to check it out and heart the art you like, comment, and Follow! Thanks!
Some people with chronic pain are not able to work, some can, and some choose to try. Regardless, it’s important that they have a dedicated medical specialist to help manage their symptoms and pain. Obviously, here in the US, one needs medical insurance for this.
Government and state insurance usually prefer people to work but will quickly and without much, if any, warning cut the insurance down or completely off if they decide the person is making “too much” money.
In order to continue working, for many it is imperative that the person have their medication and in order to keep getting their medication they need to keep seeing their specialist and/or doctor which is often not possible once the gov and state insurance are cut off.
This doesn’t just apply to people with chronic pain, it applies to many other conditions including mood disorders and mental psychosis.
For instance, a person with depression might be able to hold down a job quite well and be very successful while consistently on their medication. But, when the gov and state insurance is cut off there’s a good chance they will not be able to cover the cost of the doctor and the meds thus causing them to not just lose their employment but possibly end up with a bad employment record as well.
Making a few extra bucks will not cover medical expenses. There are some places that have clinics with sliding scales and some of those places are reliable, sadly many are not. There are businesses that offer prescription discounts, but when your first priority is keeping a roof over your head, running water and electricity, and food on the table, there’s often nothing left for that “copay”. Hospitals often offer financial assistance for folks who do not have and can’t afford medical insurance, while it may look nice on paper, the assistance doesn’t cover all the expenses and the person is left in debt for years to come and will often no longer seek much needed medical and mental help any longer. Many jobs offer insurance if a person works a certain amount of hours and it’s usually not free. Many people with chronic pain and other physical and mental challenges can not work the required amount of hours to qualify and can not afford the cost of the insurance they would be required to pay. So this is not, in many cases, a viable possibility. It may seem understandable that the government and state do not want to be taken advantage of, but their requirements are not reasonable and are actually causing many folks who do not want to be dependent on the “system” even more dependent because it comes down to a more “do or die” type choice. And really, it’s not even that simple, but this is a touch of what is going on in our country right now. If we had free healthcare for all, it may cause very wealthy CEO’s to lose some money, but it would make a huge positive difference for the majority of Americans. It won’t solve all our problems, but imagine if people could get the medical aid and the mends they need! Imagine if people with chronic pain weren’t in so much pain! Imagine if people with depression and bi polar and schizophrenia and other mood disorders and psychosis had access to their meds and the help to be and stay on them! While not everyone would take full advantage of this I believe many would and I believe it would eliminate much of the unemployment, much of the aggression, much of the subsidies, much of the “road rage”, and so on. For those who don’t believe in the medical system in general, put your money where your mouth is. If you have magical cures, give them away. The average person can not afford your snake oil whether it works or not. So if you’re not gonna supply it for free to all who ask then please help support the quest for free health care. And for those who are fearful that free healthcare will lead us into socialism and communism, that is not necessarily true, and your fear is likely causing many to suffer. So while you are afraid of a government that will cause people to suffer, you yourself are doing the very same. Please stop it! Please stop hindering people from getting healthcare, please do the right thing and stop causing and promoting harm.
If none of this affects you personally, or so you think anyway, as a human with compassion, please get involved and help this country overcome big corp and start actually taking care of it’s people.
There are folks who believe if anything is “free” then it will magically cause people to become lazy. Maybe this will happen to a few, or not, but people in general tend to overwork, not underwork, themselves. Big corp has promoted the idea of lazymess to keep us enslaved for years. Most of us are quite brainwashed about this. Time to pull that plug, we are not lazy, we are literally being worked to death.
When we truly band together for this much needed human right we need to be ready for insurance companies and any company and person who may lose millions and billions to bare their teeth and claws and do and say anything to propagate fear in order to stop it from happening, They do not want to lose their grip on this country, they are milking us and they will do anything, they will lie, cheat, and threaten, they will buy people off, they will use anyone. Beware and be ready and don’t fall for their nasty propaganda. They will use politics, religion, community, family, anything and everything. They will find your passions and use them against you. They will pretend they are on your side. They will be desperate and they will not go out without a fight.
Freedom isn’t easily won, we must not turn on each other and we must remain diligent and strong and when one of us is weakening we must be compassionate but remain firm. We have already overcome so much, we can do it again! Is this “our country”, is this “our land”? Big corp says “NO”, “no it is not, it is theirs”. There are way more of us than them, they may have the money, but we have the people!
I’m an Gen X-er, but I get it and I’m “woke AF”, lol! No really! Okay, never mind.
Proceeding forward,
um,
I’m not actually fluent in emoji’s, but I do okay, I guess. I’m not a emoji fan as in I don’t care for emoji plushies, toys and stickers. I love love looove plushies, just not emoji ones. Just wanted to clear that up. But I do like using them to communicate sometimes. (The emojis, not the plushies. I just want to hug the plushies and if I had a lot of money I’d give them away as gifts cause they’re awesome and super soft and cuddly and I can name them George. JK! Lol)
Anywho,
the point of this is that the “old” way isn’t always the “right way” or the “best way”, it isn’t always the “wrong way” either. It just isn’t the for “everybody way”. One of the “old ways” that was wrong is that a lot of folks thought “their way” was the “everybody way” and that screwed a lot of folks up. If you disagree, just ask your local pharmacists about it.
I did have trouble communicating most my life, I held a lot in, so I get it. But my journey is a bit different than this one.
I’m happy people have found unique and fun ways to express how they feel and what they want to say.
Some folks are afraid the digital age has cursed us with cyber bullying. I can’t disagree, however, there’s always been bullies, and I’m sorry to say, there will always be bullies just like there will always be heroes. It’s something we have to continually adapt to and figure out as we journey on.
Communicating through social media, VR, gaming, LRP, emoji and symbols, music, songs, lyrics, poems, dance, and so on, is still communicating and is not less if it’s effective.
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Do You Speak Emoji By Lorenakoran 3/19/2020
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Do you speak emoji Can you see what I say Does the pictures touch your heart In any kind of way
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I’m the kind that can’t find The words to express myself Speaking and writing it out Was never any help * So I sat quietly on the sidelines A perpetual wallflower at life’s dance Till this electronic age came along Giving me a voice, giving me a chance
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Do you speak emoji Can you see what I say Does the pictures touch your heart In any kind of way
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The old world worked for some It was a happy way of life Now they complain about things Saying it’s removed and full of strife * But that wasn’t everyone The unhappy had to be quiet Not all of us were satisfied Inside of us was a roaring riot
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Do you speak emoji Can you see what I say Does the pictures touch your heart In any kind of way
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So now the tables turned And people just like me Have a way to express themselves Without all the anxiety * The Boomer and the X-rs Don’t seem to understand Things aren’t necessarily worse They’re just no longer in their hands.
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Do you speak emoji Can you see what I say Does the pictures touch your heart In any kind of way
***
meme me, GIF me, say it any way you can, lip sink, VR, anythings okay language, obstacles, near or far away, we can communicate cause, we rule the day
So, a friend posted this picture and it triggered a recent memory.
First off, here’s the pic;
Now the memory!
I was gonna write what I was gonna write in the “about” area of the pic when sharing it on Facebook, but, I’m pretty sure I know what would likely have happened and I wanted to avoid it. So I didn’t share the pic and my thoughts on Facebook after all. Yet.
While there may be a few folks who read what I have to say, there would likely have been more that responded in the comments area telling me how much they care about me. And, maybe one person telling me to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myself.
In other words, my reason for sharing would be mostly unnoticed, and “sorry for me ” notions or “stop feeling sorry for yourself” notions would just be annoying.
But I still wanted to write about what I was thinkin about. And that brings us to the here and now and this blog.
I wanna talk about hoarding. Just give me a moment and you’ll see how this applies. In my head anyway.
The TV shows about hoarders are fascinating to me for various reasons. Things like that also make me investigate myself. “Am I a hoarder?” Can I even spell hoarder without spellcheck? Um, well, there was the issue of forgetting the “a” in that word. lol
There are the obvious things like the stacks of papers I keep meaning to go through and sort and file and put away or throw out. Stuff that never seems to get done and keeps piling up. Some may consider me a bit of a book hoarder. I don’t. And there are the things I went without most of my life that I’ve collected even though I didn’t need to. I’ve challenged myself over the years as I come to realize that I have an unnecessary attachment. Dehoarding your life not only takes time due to getting your mind in a state that you can deal with it and make the necessary changes, it also takes time because you may not realize you’re hoarding this or that.
Hoarding usually stems from fear. And that’s what shone a light on some hoarding I have been doing for a long time. It’s people. I’ve been hoarding people. Not physically, but mentally and cyberlly. (I made the word cyberlly up. YW)
Growing up my family moved often which made keeping friends difficult. Some of them I’d stay in touch by exchanging letters. But after a while, even those disappeared into the mist of time and were gone. The depression that comes with losing one’s friends on a regular basis was most obvious in my sister. She’s three years older than me and back then she was the people person, I wasn’t. So it didn’t appear to take a toll on me, but deep inside it kept secretly adding up. Not just a secret to others, but also to myself.
Then there was San Diego. The last port we lived on the sailboat in. This time it wasn’t us moving away, it was partly our friends because most of them were in the military. We’d get close, like family, even when they were overseas, but when they went home the friendship usually died. To add insult to injury, my mom didn’t listen and obey the pastor of the church we were attending that all our friends were in. Not listening and not obeying can be both a good or a bad thing. In the case of my mom, it was mixed. We ended up getting kicked out of the church and ostracized. Talk about painful, this was heart-wrenching for all of us.
A similar thing happened with the next church, only we didn’t get kicked out. Again, all our friends were in the same church, the pastor had controlling issues, my mom not only wouldn’t obey him, she actually left and started learning from someone else. How dare she! Our family left along with her gradually. Again, we lost all our friends due to this. The pastor would let everyone know that we or anyone else, who left his church had backslidden and were living in sin.
While I call those two churches borderline cults, the next one we because a part of was a bonified fully fledged cult. Anyone who didn’t eventually join the “church” also lost friendship with us. I didn’t see it that way. I never wanted to lose friends and I did what I could to keep them but I was uneducated in so many ways, I had no idea of what I was doing. So, the cult kept me from making any real friends outside of the group. I did try, but the leadership always found a way to”fix” that.
And then there’s the post-cult effect. At first, I lost all my friends, again. Partly because they were being fed a load of crap about me and pulled away and partly because it wasn’t just the cult leader who duped me, it was also several of the members. So, I didn’t trust any of them.
I made some fair-weather friends during that time. There were some good folks, and, well, some not so good folks.
And this brings me to the beginning of my people hoarding.
It started with Myspace. I could actually make friends and keep them through Myspace. Then Facebook came into play. And that’s where the serious hoarding became a thing. I found some old friends and I made new friends and I was able to keep most of them through social media. It was awesome!!!
But then there was the heart ripping painful times. When people would remove me from their friend’s list. I knew it shouldn’t hurt me like that, after all, it was usually people I only met once or not at all and a few I had known but were not really good friends in the first place. Still, I couldn’t stand losing anyone. Losing a social media “friend” was like being virtually stabbed in the heard. I knew this wasn’t realistic, but I didn’t know how to make those feelings go away.
There were even times I believe I came a bit too close to stocking. I didn’t do anything illegal, but I would do what I could online, which wasn’t much, to learn about this person or that guy, wishing I could meet them in person or at least not lose them as an online friend. I definitely got too attached to people I barely knew wither I met them in person or not.
Time has taken me further and further from that behavior that was actually harmful to myself. The obsessing and the people collecting has faded over the years.
It’s been recent that I realized I really didn’t care all that much if people who didn’t see a reason to be my social media friend removed me from their friend’s list. Sure, there’s been a few that I was a tad hurt by, but I got over it. The ol’ “they don’t deserve you” attitude only worked for, well, no seconds, lol. But now while I may entertain that notion for a bit, I understand that I don’t need everyone, and everyone doesn’t need me. I have a few good friends I can count on. Wither they are near me or far away, I value them.
I’m actually okay and sometimes even glad when I don’t connect on social media with everyone I come across. Sure, I enjoy making new friends but it’s not a point of great disappointment and sorrow when I don’t. And for the record, I don’t have any plans to remove anyone from my friend’s list. While there may be a lot, and I believe I haven’t met most of them in person, I still appreciate the connection and community and the different ways of thinking and living. I can still be connected without being obsessive about it by letting fear guide me.
Another train of thought I’ve had to adjust is the notion that people who remove me from their friend’s list or don’t want to add me are being small minded. That they don’t see the big picture and they don’t know that there may come a day they wished they hadn’t turned down my friendship. Why, that’s not at all arrogant. lol! Okay, it was. But I thought it wasn’t cause I felt the same way about them, I may someday need them. While bridge burners may be way out of balance, I overdid it and was way out of balance the opposite direction.
Whatever it be, I am who I am and the way I think is mine. I shouldn’t expect others to think like I do and act and respond the way I do. We’re all different with different strengths and weaknesses and characteristics and ways of thinking. I don’t like it when others project their ideas on others or myself, so I shouldn’t do it either.
Hoarding is so much more than collecting and even more than just fear. It can be complicated and intertwined and tangled with other issues. Like straightening anything out, prodding and pulling and agitating only makes it worse. Changing without understanding the root cause doesn’t usually last. In order to up weed our fears, we need to understand where they came from and what’s been feeding them. And it’s there that we can begin our healing journey.
Specious: having a false look of truth or genuineness : falsely appearing to be fair, just, or right
When I was still new to United Fellowship House of Praise, aka the cult, and still in the San Diego area, I recall one evening being at Monica’s house with my mom, Elder Turner, aka cult leader, and possibly some others. I was excusing myself because I had an arrangement to meet up with my dad to go see a movie. Elder Turner had a stern talk with me about how the word of God is more important and should be priority over anything else, even one’s own appointment with their dad.
It hurt to call my dad and tell him I wouldn’t be meeting up with him. It hurt even more when I heard the disappointment in his voice.
Though I’d been raised since I could remember to put the work of the Lord above all else and though pleasing God was my top priority it wasn’t the only reason I canceled the father daughter date. The other reason was because I was a gutless wonder. Elder Turner had God on his side, so to speak, so he had the upper hand and I really didn’t know how to stand up to him. I totally wimped out. I have no doubt Howard Turner, his first name isn’t Elder, knew exactly what he was doing and fed off intimidating people.
But was it entirely all my fault? Maybe not. Maybe my dad was actually getting a taste of his own medicine. Not something I would ever want to dish out, but it happened. My dad had applied the same pressure Elder Turner did on many occasions. I grew up with this type of life, I was conditioned by my dad and mom, and also by my sister. They each had their own twist to using manipulation. When in the past I tested the waters of standing up for myself I would get knocked down so hard with no room to try again. The same thing happened in the cult. Except in my family I don’t really recall them telling me to stand up for myself and to speak up and all. But, the cult did, I was told to do those things but when I did I was rebuked harshly and used as an example for months afterward.
And here’s the thing about people gettin it back, how often do they actually realize that’s what happened. I’m pretty sure when I talked with my dad that night on the phone the times he used his “god given” status to control me in a situation most likely didn’t come to mind. We joke and say, “Karma’s a bitch,” but if we really think about it, the jokes on us because when what goes around comes around, the person getting what they dished out usually has no idea, they don’t connect the dots and they are the down and out victim.
Sure, I still wish I had told Elder Turner to suck it, walked out the door, watched the movie with my dad, married Ray, moved to the Midwest and lived happily ever after. (Okay, I was going way back there to pre Turner times.) But, that’s not what happens to people who are conditioned to be the low down servant who does as she’s told and will be put in her place wither she ever left that place or not. Oh, and to add insult to injury, any potential relationships were scared off by my parents and later by my pastor. Well, that is until one came along that the pastor was able to manipulate. There wasn’t mental freedom for people like me, and in many cases there isn’t physical freedom either.
I also wish I could still go see movies with my dad, and be able to tell him that I disagree about a lot of things, but that I love him and respect him no matter what.
You see, that’s the thing about cults that you can never really get over. It’s the things that were stolen from you. The precious treasures, the little moments of time, or even big moments of time, taken, gone, unrecoverable, and no amount of religion is gonna fix it, because it’s gone. Things that didn’t actually have to be, but were. Things that should have been, but weren’t.
Pity, prayer, this god or that saviour, positive thinking, etcetera, those things may provide some comfort for some people temporarily, but the painful memories caused by being in a cult and then getting out come in waves. Once a person gets through the initial shock and all luggage that attaches itself to them, the mental pain comes and goes. Over time the pain can become less intense. Though there may be times it gets stronger. What really helps is being in touch with people who are going through the same thing. Unless they have reattached themselves and are trying to get others to attach to their old or new cult. But understanding that like the waves of the sea, the feeling will come and go. It’s just nice to know even that, as simple as it sounds. It also helps to understand that it’s okay to get mental and medical help. I was taught that therapists were bad, even Christian ones, and that meds for depression would open one’s mind up to demonic oppression and possession. Even though a person my know that those things are not true they still may have a mental block and need help facing it.
There’s more, but I’ll stop for now, because I could go on for pages and pages and….
If you are in need of a non judgmental ear, or you know someone who is in need, I recommend contacting Recovering From Religion (RR). It’s a hotline for folks who are questioning their beliefs, and have other issues about one’s faith or lack thereof and need a non bias person to talk to. They are not there to talk you out of your beliefs, they are just there to listen and be supportive and understanding. The hotline number is 1-844-368-2848.
Also, I know of quite a few groups and I may be able to help you find a meetup group or a support type group online if you need it. I certainly would try anyway.
There’s a lot of abused folks out there. Even the ones that have healed and are doing fine often still have triggers. PTSD isn’t just a military thing.
Religion is a common cause of stress disorders. While it provides hope for some it causes both mental and physical harm for others. Well meaning people often make the matter worse. They think they are reaching out to people offering them hope, and while this may help some, it actually does the opposite for others
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When you “share” how great your god is and all he’s doing for you and those around you with people who have been abused with religion, you are not helping them, you are hurting them. You are pushing the trigger button over and over. Then, you wonder why they are so angry. Anyone who’s “buttons” are pushed over and over and over again will most likely “blow up” or as folks like to use on atheists, become angry.
Normally I’m all about coexisting. I understand there are a lot of folks out there who hold onto their religion for cultural reason and community reasons and many who feel they need it. I’m fine with all that as long as it’s not causing any harm to anyone. However, this evening if religion were a person I would have murdered it.
Blog continued Thursday 3/16/17.
Although I’m over it and back to my version of normal, I haven’t forgotten. I can still feel the frustration. I’m just not angry right now. But the issue is still an issue.
Although I suspected the kids and I likely have PTSD, I never really faced the issue. That is until Levis psychiatrist let me know, with out me ever mentioning it to him, that the kids and I have it. I was surprised at my reaction, after all I should have been prepared for that. But I wasn’t. I think I was actually avoiding it and he made me face it. It didn’t feel good. I even cried. Later I laughed. Talk about a slew of emotions. Even after laughing I wasn’t happy about it, I was frustrated. It just felt so unfair. Not just for me but more so for my kids.
I do know from experience that as difficult as it can be to be diagnosed, it has the great potential of having more benefits than not. Once you understand why you or your family members or friends act and react a certain way you can move on and learn how to work with what you or they have and improve and use the talents that may come with it and help others and get the help you need from services and such. The big benefit is understanding why you do, feel, and think the way you do. Understanding yourself really makes a big difference in healing and improving.
So, this Sunday the acknowledgement of the PTSD did help me understand my emotional reaction to the previous days. From Friday all the way through Sunday I was affected by other peoples religion. One was a friends Catholicism and the other was my moms United Pentecostal type way of being. Neither of them meant me any harm and I love both people. One was just trying to please her parents by being where they wanted her to be cause they were out of town. Going to mass and or church can be more superstitious than going because you need encouragement, community and wisdom.
As far as my mom, she attempted to leave me texts about what god was doing through her. I may be wrong, but I felt intent, not just sharing and conversing. Like maybe she read or saw something I posted and wanted to try to “fix” me. I had posted a few atheist meme’s on my Facebook wall, so that could be it. When she learned that only one of her text went through she decided to just tell me all about it on a phone call. It was a very long dialog about how god was using her and speaking through her and answering her prayers. The result? Hallelujah! I’m now magically “saved.” Thank you Jesus! I now know, again, that everyone else in the world that believes and has the any “evidence” and hope and “proof” and all from their god(s) is wrong. Us European type people are the only right people on earth. Our religion is correct and every one else is wrong. Our god is superior and everyone else is a myth. Yep, it doesn’t matter that everything in the Bible was taken from different religions, nope, it’s all true cause a bunch of white men said they were empowered by the holy ghost and so it’s true even when it’s proven not to be. So, praise the Lort! I’m just gonna throw common sense and being awake and aware out the window and trade it in for the shackles and nonsensical rules and regulations of a god who can do anything and every thing and knows all but won’t feed the masses of starving people, not even the starving babies in their mothers arms who are so malnourished their bodies can’t produce any milk. Now there’s a good idea! I mean, after all, it’s clear in Genesis that we are not supposed to know “the knowledge of good and evil”, cause if we did we would realize that man made gods, not the other way around.
Let me set this straight, in case you are getting my drift incorrectly. I Was Not Mad At God. I can’t be made at him/her/them. Why? Because I don’t believe him/she/they exist. Who was I mad at? People and their superstitions! And the poisonous ideas they shove down your throat, nose, ears and even up your butt, thinking they are helping you.
Folks, it’s not helping, it’s hurting. You hurt people with your religion and then you wonder why they are angry when you are responsible for triggering them. But no, it can’t be your fault, you were just sharing the love of Jesus. It’s got to be them, if they only would listen and give their lives over to your god then they would be set free from the things oppressing them. Dude! Stop, you are the one oppressing them. You want to help them? Than stop with the religious vomit!
I want people to heal too. I want them to recover and lose their “buttons” over time. I am aware that pushing their buttons over and over doesn’t make the buttons go away, it makes them worse and adds to them. Maybe there are some exceptions, but the majority of people will not get better this way. Become aware of the fact that a person may have been religiously abused and back off with trying to feed them your beliefs. You can be friends with people with PTSD. You can love them and you can help them. I am not writing this blog about how to help them at this time, I’m just writing to wake folks up to the possibility that their religious “help” may be doing more harm than good. There are a lot of good online articles out there about how to help people without using religion.
So, back to last weekend. By Sunday night I was angry. I get frustrated and depressed at times, but anger isn’t something I usually feel for prolonged periods of time. So I was curious about myself and why I felt so angry. I realized it was a PTSD reaction, that my buttons had been repeatedly pushed, the PTSD had been triggered. So I let myself let it out. Not on anyone, but alone, in my car. I had a good couple hollers while driving. No one could hear me so no police were called, lol! I just had to release some tension. I didn’t feel awesome after that, but I do think that’s when I started to recover from it all. The next day I was grateful that I didn’t have to work. I felt like crap till late afternoon. I think the stress of the previous days physically took a toll. But like I mentioned, I felt better as the day progressed. By the evening I felt fine so on Tuesday I was ready and good to go for work.
I know my mom loves me. I also know she gets caught up in her head, we all do at one time or another. I don’t mind hearing an occasional tale of how “god” has done this or that. It brings her happiness and I’m glad for her. But to go on and on and think it’s gonna convert me is just plain annoying and when I’ve already had a tasking couple of days, it’s harmful. My mom isn’t alone in this way of thinking and acting, not by a long shot. Which is why I am writing this, maybe someone will care and understand and make the changes because it not only makes sense, but because it’s love.
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I would like to add that how I felt doesn’t describe how others with PTSD may feel. How it affects people can differ. Even our own reactions and feelings can be different for different circumstances. And some folks do find comfort in religion and religious ideas. It’s just good to not assume or think cause it helps you or you’re told it does that you should use it to “help” others. Be careful and don’t assume. This blog barely touches on what PTSD is and what religious induced PTSD is. (Also known as Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS).)It would be kind of you to research and learn more about it. Most likely you have and will have friends, family and associates that have it.
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If you or someone you know is suffering from religious trauma or maybe just needs someone nonjudgmental to talk to, here’s a web site to a hot line that has people ready to listen. Just click here-
Things have been emotionally difficult lately, and physically. Sometimes the very people whom we have such difficulty with are also the ones who give us the most inspiration.
Last night I was watching Oprah interview and talk with Dr. Shefali on Super Soul Sunday and this evening I watched Birdman starring Michael Keaton. I’m not sure how I feel about that movie. I partly was bored with it but I partly get it too. Anyway, this poem was inspired by both shows. It didn’t exactly go the way I thought, but then again when it comes to poetry one never really knows what the end result will be till one gets there.
A picture taken of yourself that is planned to be uploaded to Facebook, Myspace or any other sort of social networking website. You can usually see the person’s arm holding out the camera in which case you can clearly tell that this person does not have any friends to take pictures of them so they resort to Myspace to find internet friends and post pictures of themselves, taken by themselves. A selfie is usually accompanied by a kissy face or the individual looking in a direction that is not towards the camera.
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If you want a good social media profile picture you likely need a selfie. Not everyone can afford or even want to pay for a professional to take a realtor looking portrait or senior grad pic just to have for their profile page picture. So many of us resort to the all too popular, hold the camera out at arms length and high, snap a pic.
For some a picture of themselves on social media may be a bad idea. Maybe they are a criminal and on a wanted list, maybe they are being stalked and want to remain hidden, some folks have experienced excessive bullying and find it better to keep the picture non-personal for their own mental health, and so forth. Some parents rather their kids remain social network faceless for their protection.
However, there are also reasons to have a profile pic, such as a selfie, on ones social network profile as well as in the various albums on ones page. A lot of spammers, trolls, con-men and people out for shady things such as net-sex with folks they never met have either no profile pic or questionable ones. They usually do not have many, if any, family pictures and pictures of themselves doing normal everyday things and vacation pics and so on. This is not always a sign of a problem but it is a “heads up, there may be a problem” kind of sign.
So what about the person who takes lots of selfies? What does that say about them?
I looked this up online and found some articles I plan to read about it, but before I read someone else’s ideas or studies I wanted to share what I came up with.
Sometimes I see negative comments about people who take a lot of selfies. I wonder why the person complaining even cares. What’s it to them? They just seem judgmental and “bitchy” to me. However, as a self psycho-analyzing type person I can’t help but turn this inward and ask myself why I have moments of taking a lot of selfies. What is going on in my brain when I do. I’m pretty sure I am not yet covering it all since I only recently asked myself this question. But off hand, I have come up with three reasons I do it… for now.
One
I am very honest about my life and I feel the picture of me from when I had a different hair cut and color and look in general isn’t a true representative of how I really look now. So I update. I do like to look my selfie best so in order to get a good pic I have to take a bunch of them and then once I am ready to upload the pic I can’t make up my mind. So, I end up picking one for the little profil pic and uploading the rest in an album.
I don’t like the idea of not being honest about how I really look. So every now and then I take a full body pic that isn’t angled to make me look thinner and post it. Usually, I am only willing to post one of these, unlike the bunches of the ones that look better.
When I used to be on the online dating sites I would do the same thing. I didn’t want to meet some guy who was completely shocked about how I really looked. I’d rather meet a guy who had a clue from the get-go. Less awkwardness and less likely to feed the low-self esteem rejection thing. I dated this one guy for a while that I met on POF who told me he found it refreshing that I didn’t hide my neck. I didn’t even know ladies were doing that. Not surprising when I think about it though. I mean, in my “nice” selfies I hide my tummy. Since I have some extra there in the tummy reagon I don’t want to shock anyone when they meet me so I include that one honest pic whether I like the way it looks or not. It’s me, take it or leave it.
Sometimes I find I look good in something or my make up came out really good or unique so I snap a pic just for the record. However, often those pics don’t come out as good as I hoped they would. Sometimes I post them, sometimes I don’t.
Two
I find I get in a try on various clothes, outfits, costumes and or the sexy look type selfie mood when I need an emotional personal boost.
When I feel down I normally do not want any pictures of myself. I don’t think that’s unusual. But it seems when I go through a difficult body hating episode, or feelings of rejection, depression, etc. I sometimes end it with a selfie photo shoot.
I love doing the sexy kind. They are a great body hating lift. But posting any of them takes some guts. I have my past to overcome since such things were considered sinful. Also as far as posting I am aware that many of my online friends are religious. Not that all the religious ones feel the same, but many do. Then there’s those folks who think sexy type photos mean you want to have sex with anyone and without discretion. While having sex is a great thing, that doesn’t mean that’s what I am aiming to tell you. Then there’s those folks who think I am inviting them to be lewd and suggestive to me on my page. No! Yeah, no, I just want to appreciate me and make myself feel beautiful and have fun with photography art. As far as those who insist on believing otherwise, well, I don’t live for them. Inappropriate comments can be removed.
Another issue I have had to overcome here is the selflessness I grew up with and doing my best to be. Loveing ones self, pride and such things were set ups for trouple, or so I was taught and believed. So sometimes I outright rebel against that notion. Sometimes being obnoxious and “just doing it” is the only way to break it in ones self. I don’t live for judgmental, religious right, finger pointing people.
I have overcome a lot, but I have 38 years of that crap I have had to weed through, it doesn’t happen over night. I’m a week away from turing 46, I’ve come dang far, however, I suspect it could take the rest of my life. So cool, I’ll keep at it. And although I hate this, sometimes I back track and then I have to make up for that in order to move forward. But that’s okay, I’m human after all. And as I so often say, I’m not the only one.
For the record, when I say sexy pics I am not talking about nudity. I don’t have a problem with nudity but I understand there are places for those kinds of pics and social media isn’t one of them since children are often on social media sites.
Three
I don’t have a model or the money to pay some one to model for my photo shoot idea. Sometimes I can get one of my kids to poise for me with their pizza at a restaurant, usually Kyle. Thanks Kyle! Or at a Con in their cosplay outfit. Thanks Hannah and Kara! If I need a silly face I can count on Levi or Kyle. But otherwise, they usually are not interested. Plus, if it’s a sexy type photo shoot I’m not gonna ask my kids to do it. So, if I get an idea and no model or it’s a sexy deal, well, I get to be my own model. In this case, it isn’t usually selfie style but I pull out the good camera and tripod and props and such and snap away till I get the look I had in mind. So it’s not really qualified as a selfie, except it is me so in a way it is.
Warning
I do want to add that some carriers and jobs and so forth will judge you by your social media pictures. Even though it may be unfair, most of us need money to survive, thus those judgmental, social media peeping toms, can be a cause for concern and if you need such a job you do need to be cautious about what kind of selfies you post and share. If this is the case you can always store your controversial selfies on your computer or something and then when you get a different carrier or retire post them. Or … something like that.
Okay, now reading other articles about this.
Hum, this one says, “In a recent Ohio State University study, men who posted more photos of themselves online scored higher in measures of narcissism and psychopathy.” (From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/12/selfies-narcissism-psychopathy_n_6429358.html) But then again, those symptoms are more common in men as it is. So, maybe the reason some men take excessive selfies and why some woman do may be different. Okay, okay, the article goes on to explain, “Narcissism measures inflated self-image (often motivated by underlying insecurity), …” That goes along with my perspective there. The article ends more in line with my ideas after all.Not that it has to, just does.
There’s plenty more out there to read on this subject. I just don’t have the time. Plus it seems many of the articles are opinions and while that is fine, not everyone is nice about it. It’s okay to believe that selfies are bad, maybe, but it is bad to put selfie-takers down and call them names. I know, haters gonna hate! Lol!
Whatever reason you have for taking selfies, I say, snap away, post away, and be proud of how awesome you look in those pics! You Go You Person You!!! (Unless you’re not a person but you somehow know how to take selfies than I mean you too. 😉 )
This video explaining selfies was super funny to me. – https://youtu.be/k3_WvmTCA1I
Now for some selfies of myself!
The ones where I have blue bangs are the most recent.
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