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Archive for August, 2011

I was behaving myself for quite a while but it all finally got to me, pms’ing may have pushed me over the edge, but I finally had it with sucking it up and being quiet.

My ex made a deal when we divorced. The BAH in Hawaii is much higher than Michigan or most places in general. If the military moved us then his BAH would reduce according to where they moved us to but if he paid for the move himself then he could keep the BAH in Hawaii. The deal was we would get rid of pretty much everything and he would buy us new furniture and house hold items once we settled in Michigan. He didn’t have to worry about the  flight tickets for me and the four kids cause we took a free military cargo plane ride to Cali. He paid to have the vehicle sent to the main land and shipped approximately six boxes to us over time.  Sabrina, Tom  and Shirley were living in So. Cal at the time so they took care of getting my car from the shipping docks and driving up to Nor. Cal to get me and the kids from the base where we landed.

We ended up staying a month in So. Cal because my immune system was super low and I was sick. Sabrina and Shirley took care of my kids while I slept for days until I regained some strength.  I had planned to stay with them a week then to stay with my sister a week and then head out to Michigan but my recoup time took over three weeks. I did visit my sister for a few days after that. I wasn’t quite all the way well when we finally headed for Michigan but enough to be able to drive and do so safely.

When we arrived in Kalamazoo,  Michigan we stayed in a hotel for two days before finding and getting in an apartment. I found some collapsible chairs on sale at Target. We used the cushions on them as beds. At the kids bus stop and pool I made some friends who went out of their way to help me out with household odds and ends.  Going across the US and getting in an apartment had me broke and in debt as it was. I found a used sofa at a furniture store and Preston bought it for us. Then he also bought mattresses.  About few months later he came to visit the kids and got me a frame for the bed and some nice beds with drawers under them for the kids, a dinning room table with chairs, some cheep pots and pans and some cheep utensils.  Later when we needed some money for some house hold items he let me know he had already met the amount we “agreed”  on for replacing all the furniture we left in Hawaii and for me not to ask him for any more.

Sabrina and Shirley came to visit a few months after him and bought us some dressers, filing cabinet and a desk, etc. Some of the items were from garage sales. They are good at finding deals at garage sales.  That’s a skill I need to work on. lol Later when we moved to Springfield Shirley got me a nice set of pots and pans and utensils that wouldn’t bend when you used ’em. Friends gave us TV’s and other helpful items. Between finding deals, friends helping out and just going with out we have managed with out asking for money from my ex. He did buy the kids very nice things, like computers and cameras for their birthday and Christmas.

Before summer I hoped to visit friends down south when the kids got out of school. I didn’t factor into the equation that they would no longer be getting free breakfast and lunch at school so our food stamps wasn’t going to get us through the month and the cost of living was going up. There was no way we could afford a road trip during the summer months. Instead I spent a lot of time in the pantry lines waiting on hand outs or vouchers to help us get through. By the end of summer vacation I just had enough of it. Here my ex was living rent free, if he wanted it his food was free, no utilities, and no kids to buy food or clothes for. He has child support which he pays and no more, he has what ever bills he is paying on and credit cards and his electronics and that’s about it. I’m pretty sure he gets more than I do and he is alone and I have our four kids to take care of 24/7/365. It just didn’t seem fair. Plus like I said before , I had the ever  so lovely pms to help fuel my fire when I finally broke down and wrote him a private message on FaceBook.

And here it is along with his response and my re-response:

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  • Lori K. Hobbs

    August 14

    Lori K. Hobbs

    • Hey! How are things? The check for the 15th hasn’t gotten here. It usually comes a few days ahead of time. Not sure what’s going on, if it’s the bank or the mail. Hopefully it will be here Monday. We are pretty much out of everything including gas. Summer has been very hard. During the school season the kids get breakfast and lunch at school. It makes a big difference. So we haven’t been doing any thing extra. I was hoping to take a trip to see friends down south during summer but I realized right away that there was no way that would work out.The kids really wanted to go to the fair but I didn’t even have gas to get there. I’ve thought from time to time about asking you for some help with things but every time I bring up money it seems you think I am attacking you and you try to retaliate. I really don’t understand why you feel that way and I don’t understand retaliation. It’s like punishment and why would another adult try to punish another adult, I just don’t get it. Just because I say the word money in a sentence doesn’t mean i am out to get you or take advantage of you. If we were still married you would have to have been putting out a lot more for your children and as a married couple for me as well than $2000 a month. When you were talking about the things you need to consider about where you will live and such you mentioned child support. It’s true, that is certainly one of the things. But you said but in a very exasperated tone. What does that mean? Do you feel you shouldn’t be taking care of your kids at all? Or that the $2000 that barely gets us by is waaaaay to much? Ok, I said I wasn’t attacking you when I mentioned money and now it may seem that I am. I should have said the word ‘before’. Now I just am trying to understand what you are thinking. I get no breaks, I have crap for clothes again, the frig is almost empty, I have to sit in panty lines like a beggar to get food. I’m not wasting the money. We have to pay this thing called rent and electricity and insurance and old bills like Macys which is adding up faster than i can pay it and my medical bills cause having a heart attack is expensive and i can’t afford health insurance, Hannah and I both have to have sanitary napkins every month and soon Kara will to, and so on. I put the kids first and try to get enough food in the house and still pay the bills but that means less fresh food cause it doesn’t save. One of the things I thought about asking you for was a Sams Club membership. But then I though, if I ask him what is he gonna do to get even with me for asking? Then I think, I shouldn’t let him intimidate me. But then I have a lot of shit to deal with, why do I have to take on more. Why do you do that? Sure this letter is a bit rough but the other time, which were hardly ever, when I asked for financial help or even just some simple info you got all pissy on me. You usually use the time you plan to be here and spend with the kids. When I ask you stuff you don’t like you will change the time of your visit to a later time or your duration of your stay to less. If you really feel like I am evil by asking for info that I really need and you feel it is ok to punish me then why punish the kids along with me? By making your visit a later time or shortening it you are including your children in my punishment. Maybe I am just misunderstanding you and your actions and words. I really really hope that is the case cause you trying to punish me is disgusting. I have been honest with you and I like I said, I have not tried to take advantage of you by any means. A lot of ex’s do that so you are one lucky man. I also put my heart and soul and everything I got into taking care of our children. I want to see the best for you and I want to see you succeed. Is that evil? Ok, In simple words, please be nice when I bring up the word money. Thank you. I’m done ranting.

  • Classik Revels

    August 14

    Classik Revels

    • I had planned on surprising you with a b-day present, but life happens…I
      get that. Instead I deposited $200 into your NFCU account. Use part of it
      to buy yourself a cake.

      Later.

  • Lori K. Hobbs

    August 14

    Lori K. Hobbs

    • Thanks for the $200. I hope remember my atm number. I appreciate you thinking of my B-day. I’m just really wore out with standing in line to get hand outs and staying home cause it costs to much to take the kids anywhere. well, have a nice night. Lori

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So now summer is over, the kids are back in school and I am playing catch up cause there was a lot I couldn’t get done with having the kids 24/7.

The $200 mostly went to catching up on past bills and food but  I did get myself a couple books. 🙂

Preston called and asked the three older kids what games for the DHS, Wii and computer they wanted so they told him and he bought them and sent them. It was a nice gesture though I thought it would have been smarter if he had asked me what they needed especially since it was a week before school started. I had really wanted to take them somewhere out of the house or even get them a membership to something like go carts or roller rink. They love games and now they have more reason to stay inside. sigh! They often ask me for membership to things online like Wizards 101. The other day Hannah asked me again for that and I told her that she should have asked her dad for that instead of the DHS game. She admitted I was right then she stopped and said, “he didn’t ask me what I wanted, he just asked me what kind of game I wanted.” But of course! He just does what he feel is logical rather than asking for advise or other opinions. He’s always done that. Silly me! It’s a common ASD trait to do that unless trained other wise. It’s still irritating though. And sadly not just ASD but  lot of men in general just won’t ask their wives or ex’s for family advise. I think it’s because they don’t want to do any thing nice for them and if the wife or ex  suggests something for the kids the man feels it’s for the wife/ex as well so he just won’t do it. There are men out there that aren’t so selfish and self centered but they just seem to be few and far between. I will do my best to raise my boys to be kind to everyone. Sure my ex gets to me sometimes, obviously, but I am not out to get him or make him pay or take advantage of him. When and if he ever takes care of his kids in person I won’t do things or with hold things to make his life hard cause I know it will affect the kids and cause I’m just not like that. It’s not that hard to be nice, really!

It looks like the kids daddy is gonna settle in Wisconsin. He says he’s ok with the likely nine hour drive down here to see the kids. He wants to live there cause the state will pay for him to go to collage. I admit, that is a mighty good reason to make that choice.  I just wonder how long he will make that nine or so hour dive before he just can’t afford the gas to do it anymore and starts visiting less and less becoming that dead-beet-dad he said he would never be. I just loooove how he never asked me if I wanted to go to school. It’s all about what is best for him, not me, of course even though I have worked my butt off taking care of our children and it’s not about his kids, just what is good and best for him. Wow!

Having said this it may sound like I am very upset or depressed or something. Maybe I am. But at this moment I feel nothing, just numb. I am afraid to feel anything really. I’m putting up temporary shields for now.  I keep telling myself things could change so I should wait and see. Deep inside I don’t really believe that. Eventually the kids will get older and there will be some free time for me. People often say that you should enjoy ever minute with your kids cause they grow up so fast and then it’s to late. I believe they are right. I also believe that the kids daddy is stealing that from me by not doing his part and being involved with his kids. It is hard to enjoy your children when that is all you do and you can’t do anything else. There are people teaching girls about how to attract a guy. One of the things they say is guys don’t want a clingy girl, they want a girl with some independence. It makes sense cause guys and people like to have their space just as much as they want to spend time with their sweet heart and a clingy girl won’t give you room to breath. The principal applies to other relationships as well, even relationships with parents and children. It is also common knowledge that children need breaks from their parents and need to be with peers and to be alone. Apparently this concept doesn’t apply to single low income moms. Right! That is just not true cause we are people to and we can appreciate and enjoy our children much more when we still have a little independence. It just makes common sense. I would really like to look back when my kids are grown and say, “Aww, I miss those little buggers when they were young but I enjoy them now as well.” I don’t want to look back and say, “Ak! Run, the kids are coming!”

I want to add that I am fortunate to have Sabrina and Shirley here and as family to me. Not only do they help me with the kids they are a mental support and good reliable friends. I am also thankful that I am making friends here in Springfield. My neighbor Babara is a joy and helped time go by faster while standing in the pantry lines with her. My friend Lynn has started getting me out with out the kids usually from time to time. I’m afraid sometimes I talk their heads off cause it’s so nice to be with adults but they still love me. I am also making friend in the SWAN group, (Southwest Autism Support Network). Life is going mush better than it was in Michigan. I guess there is hope after all!

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I read a comment my mom made on one of her friends FB posts. It got me thinking.

First here is her friends post. I took out the names and places:

“You remember (name)? The mortician from (place) who buried (name), his brother. He visited Granny’s grave with y’all . anyway….he died this morning. Cancer, again won out. (Name) has a few days, the doctor said. The family has gathered around her.”

Here is my moms comment:

“ohhh….cancer never “WINS” over the Saints…but we all gotta go…unless we are here when Jesus returns…and if so…it’s gonna get mighty tuff around here….but the Saints will be what they should always be….loving each other & sharing everything with each other!”

Here are my thoughts in that regard:

My dad had dreams that we all took as being from the lord. When I think about the dreams they all had something to do with him not being good enough. That’s not the way it was said but that’s really what it all meant. It’s sad to realize he died thinking he didn’t do enough for Christ. And no one tried to argue with him, they went along with it.

Of course they weren’t from the “lord’ but I understand now they were likely from his own consciousness. Everyone saw him as a great guy and talented and stuff but he always saw himself as a failure. If our so called prophet of a leader back then was really a prophet he would have known this instead of going along with it. I mean really, now that I have my own brain it’s so obvious.

For my dad, cancer won, his disappointment in himself won, his fear of failure won. According to my mom he passed in utter terror. That is not a winning spirit, that is not a “saint” winning. My dad was a good man, he loved Jesus and dedicated his life to the ministry. From a Christian stand point, he believed Jesus was the only way to salvation, he was baptized, he believed in the gifts of the Holy spirit, he fed the poor and gave to the widows, he shared the gospel,  and so on. In that light, he was good enough. As a man in general, he had his faults but he meant well, he cared for people and he was loved and looked up to. Though he believed in the Lord Jesus Christ he didn’t believe in himself and that is what really mattered when he passed.

I’m not worried about him now. Where ever he may be I’m sure he has figured things out. Just cause cancer may have won in taking his life doesn’t mean one should give up. We’ve cured what was considered incurable things many times before and we have even legalized cures that were considered illegal before so there is still hope for those who are still with us. Until those issues are resolved though my hope is for people to achieve acceptance in them selves as well as belief and love. For many of us it’s the best we can do.

Well, that’s all I have to say about that… for now. Here’s some pics in his memory.

   The top pic was taken when we first moved aboard the Moonshadow in Oxnard Ca.  The bottom one is the Moonshadow in off of Avalon.

Random shots of my dad in Gloretta Bay, Ca.

My parents 25th anniversary in Coronado, Ca.

Me attacking my dad for some reason. lol

My folks at the laundry mat in Coronado, Ca.

My family posing at the Gloretta Bay Inn where the church we attended, Sonrise Christian Outreach, would meet when the conference rooms at the Hotel del Coronado were full.

My dad in his van.

My dad saw these kids at a fast food place and asked if he could take their picture. They said yes and went out side and posed for him.

My family at a wedding in San Diego.

My dad being silly.

My mom and dad and I after a collage play I was in.

My dad’s Marine pic.

My mom and dad.

My dad when he was a kid. His mom had him and his sisters in dance, acting, and singing classes so they could be movie stars. This is one of his head shots. He did his best to keep my sister and I out of the business. However, when it’s in your blood…

My family when I was born in Orange, Ca.

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Water

A beautiful, heart wrenching, hope building wonderful movie.

There is extras worth watching on the DVD. There was propaganda printed and riots and such trying to stop the filming.  It’s quite interesting.

Deepa Mehta was asked if she is a feminist and to that she explains that she doesn’t see herself as a feminist but as a humanitarian.  I love that!

The subject matter is very somber and difficult. In the “making of” scenes they explain that they used the beautiful scenery to help lighten the mood of the movie. The scenery is beautiful and amazing.  I love the musical scores as well.

Now I’m curious about the other Elemental movies Deepa made. !! I’m going to have to check those out.

                                                            Deepa Mehta

                                                     Lisa Ray plays Kalyani.

                                     John Abraham plays Narayan.

                                                Sarala Kariyawasam plays Chuyia.

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Loved it!

It started off quite melancholy. The characters were interesting though. As the movie progressed there were more and more humerus scenes and conversations. When the movie ended I noticed I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

A wonderful family relationship movie. Not necessarily for the family to watch, there is excessive use of the “F” word.

If you are the type that gets annoyed with how people dress up their little girls to look like adults with plastic surgery for pageants then you’ll love this movie!

The backside of the DVD I got from Netflix has some footage of the cut alternate ending. It was cute.

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Super fun and exciting! I loved it! It was good from beginning to end.

If you have little ones I recommend that you watch it before letting them see it because the two bad guys  are pretty freaky. I took all my kids and Matt with me to see it. When ever the big bad guy was on screen Kyle would hide his eyes, cover his ears and say “lalalala”…Thankfully both my little guys didn’t have nightmares from it but I was concerned they would.

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