Archive for the ‘My kids’ Category

I just have to tell this one!

We have a little dog named Chloe. Her non-papers papers say she is a Pomeranian. I do think she has a little of something else in there as well. Anyway, as is common with many small dogs she is easily frightened and has a strong desire to bark when startled. I’ve been working on training her. Sometimes she mostly gets it and other times it’s just too difficult not to growl and bark. Often she will run to me, cuddle up in my lap and look at me in desperation as a grumbling sound goes through her throat as if to say, ‘help me! I can’t stop myself.”  I help her as best I can. At least she is trying.

As far as what she barks at, well, it’s a number of things. Mostly noises that she can’t see, like neighbors coming home or leaving. Or a knock at the door, or one of the kids coming down the dark hallway. And so on.

Today we had an entirely new one happen. I have to admit, I heard it too. I heard a knocking sound coming from my youngest son’s direction. Chloe growled and then barked then ran away down the hall barking with out restraint. I asked my son if he had made that noise. With a funny look on his face he admitted to it. My kids know they are not supposed to make knocking noises because of the dog but before I could say anything about that my son let me know what he had done.

He had farted.








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Last night while driving with three of my kids to the video store I found myself talking about the mental abuse I went through most my life. I’ve never really labeled it that way before. It’s so easy to be misunderstood, but sometimes that’s life!

What sparked it was my twelve year old son being concerned for my health. I have irritable bowel syndrome and am often in discomfort. I had a stressful week and stress is a big IBS trigger. It’s not always about food.

My son wanted to know what caused it. So far no one has pin pointed the cause of IBS, but many have speculated it stems from stress.

So I told him about how I was never allowed to express myself, I learned to hold everything in. I told him about as a child I was shy and quite and by the time I started coming out of my shell my mom would take personal offence if I ever expressed negative feelings. My dad was more subtle with it, he knew how to put a guilt trip on you before you ever knew what was happening.

I told my son about how at the age of about nineteen I finally barfed my feeling out in front of several people. I was on a church trip and I got extremely sick and ended up breaking down emotionally. The church leader saw tears in my eyes which normally would embarrass me terribly and insisted I talk. One of the church ladies coaxed me and before I knew it I was virtually vomiting mass amounts of mental pain I had unknowingly held in for many year.

This all happened in a van caravan along the side of the highway from Chicago to Mississippi. My mom was in the van behind us but got an earful from the church leader because much of what I spilled out was about my parents. I had never “exposed” them before. I didn’t know how to say anything bad or negative about my parents. So this was quite a shock to her. She got very upset with me and brought it up off and on for years as if I had abused her.

My son then talked about how it was good the church leader and church lady helped me get that stuff out.

I then told him that it was good but sadly that was the last time it would happen. From then on I was under their wing and I was not allowed to be myself and express myself any longer with out rebuke and retaliation. Even in regard to other church members. I was often reprimanded for not standing up for myself. But, if I did, the people I stood up to would complain to the church leader and then he would rebuke me harshly usually saying I had meanness in me and use what I did as an example for many sermons there after. If you look up brain washing this is a common technique, btw.

I then told my son that I have been out of all that for about five or six years now and that while I have healed myself mentally and emotionally, physically it can take a while. I really believe holding in stress all those years is a big contributing factor to my current IBS condition. I told him I have improved, but I have a ways to go.

After hearing the initial story he let me know this was the first he ever know of this part of my past. I explained, and was thankfully backed up by my daughters, that I had indeed talked about it in front of him many times but he likely was to young to understand. I was happy he understood that.

He told me that if he had a time machine he would go back in time and fix all that for me. I just love it when my children show empathy, it’s lovely and heart touching. I mentioned I appreciated his empathy and he asked what that was so the girls and I told him. Then I mentioned something about him being empathetic and he thought I insulted him. After all empathetic has the sound of pathetic in it. We had a good laugh over that.

He wanted to help me heal mentally so I assured him I had. He seemed to be trying to find a way to help me. I thought it was really awesome that he was taking such a mature view of it all.

I told him that when I first got out of all that stuff I desperately wished for a time machine. I wanted so badly to go back and change things. But over time I found I knew so much more then ever before and I could relate to and help people cause I understood them due to my own past experiences. I realized that if time machines were real, I could never change anything. I value what I have learned and who I have become.

After securing in his mind that I have changed and I do now express myself and am mentally doing well he moved on to my health.

I let him know I was working on it. That it would take time. He then moved on to the issue of exercise… Oh dear! lol I admitted I was doing pretty bad with that at this time. He wanted to set up a schedule for me to go to the YMCA every day while him and his siblings were at school. There was actually a time I did that. I loved it! I wanted to work with his ideas but lately I have had an appointment for one of the four kids and or myself almost every weekday. When I finally have no appointments I am plum wore out. I don’t really mind the busyness, it’s just really hard to fit exercise in to it. I told him I am looking for a free or low priced working tread mill. I really believe at this time in my life that would benefit me and the kids as well. It is a subject that has been on my mind lately.

Levi’s autism causes him to be behind sometimes. But like many autistic kids, once he gets it he’s got it better then most and he’s got it forever. Often autistic kids are misunderstood as not having feelings. They do indeed have feelings but usually express them differently and have reasons other then the norm that cause them to become emotional. Because they have a need to understand things logically when they do become emotional they often do so from a very deep place inside of themselves.  I really enjoyed watching his sweetness last night. He was sensitive but not sad, just compassionate and wanted to be a part of helping his mom.

He told me after the conversation was about over what he does. He said when he wants to cry, it doesn’t mater where he is or who is around, he cries! And when he wants to yell, he yells and so on. This sort of behavior is often what gets autistic kids bullied. It’s difficult because as their parents we don’t want to change their realness, but, we do want to protect them. It’s a constant balancing act and is never a pat answer. He then told me that if I want to cry and other people don’t want me to that I should cry extra hard and loud. I love it!

my son and I

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Last night was a big night for us. Hannah had her first real job interview.

Last week her school had career day. She was told to come dressed for an interview because they would be teaching the kids about getting jobs and such. Hannah’s dad had bought her some nice black slacks for occasions such as this.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had to dress up for anything so I didn’t even think about telling her to try on the clothes the night before. The morning of career day the world fell apart because her nice slacks were way to baggy and looked bad. It would have been an issue for anyone but when you have aspergers like Hannah does, it’s even bigger. After some frustration she found something else nice to wear.

Yesterday morning while Hannah was still lying in bed she threw her hands over her face and told me she was going to fail her job interview. I asked her why she suddenly came to that terrible conclusion. She told me that at career day at school they did a mock job interview and she didn’t know most the answers to their questions. I asked her if they helped her figure out the answers and she said they didn’t. It made me wonder about the point of such an exercise since one would expect them to be teaching what to do at an event like that. Later I also thought about how they may have told her but if it wasn’t said plainly Hannah would likely not have understood.

After dropping the kids off at school I called the school councilor and told her what Hannah had said that morning. She told me that she knew of another student already working at the same place and that they would talk with Hannah and help her out.

When I picked up the kids from school Hannah handed me a hand written paper with a bunch of questions as well as the answers. The councilor came through, she always does, she and the girl she mentioned sat down with Hannah and went over what to expect and helped Hannah find the answers she would likely need.

When I took her to her job interview she said she was nervous but she looked perfectly calm. I think she would have felt worse if she hadn’t had the little extra preparation help from her school counselor.

Kyle and I waited in the car while Hannah went in. It took a long time because the interviewer didn’t see her and interviewed the next person. Kyle got very antsy and annoying. Thankfully I had a dollar in change and bought him a hamburger and cup of ice water which did the trick.

When Hannah was done and came back to the car she gave me the low down. It really sounds like it went very well. She had been told by someone that one’s first interview is the worst so she was happy to have accomplished that and gotten it over with. I was so proud of her. She’s known she has aspergers for five or six years now and instead of using it as an excuse she has steadily worked on improving herself. The interviewer said if she got the job they would put her up front. Sounds to me like they liked her personality and felt she could handle the public. Anyone with kids in the spectrum knows that is a big deal. Hannah also told me that it was so difficult to maintain eye to face contact the whole time and she was plum wore out. I was impressed that she remembered to do that and made herself do it.

Yep! That’s my kid! Now we wait to hear if she got the job or not. How exciting!


                             My big girl on a motorcycle at the mall a few weeks ago. 😉

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Kyle Funnies


After the cable man was done hooking up our stuff he asked if I had any questions. Kyle piped in with, “Do you know how big nuclear explosions…” The man quickly replied he meant questions regarding the cable set up.

The cable guy and I started laughing  while the rest of my kids just stood there like nothing was particularly funny.





Kyle wanted to talk to me about people who are deaf and we talked about cochlear inplants and stuff. He asked me some technical stuff I didn’t know and then he told me he knew how it was done.
Kyle- First they put mud in your ear, then a plant and it grows.
Me- Phspt… Noooo
Kyle – (Laughs at his own joke.)



I took Kyle to see Dr. Locker today for a wart on his foot. Dr. Locker froze it off for him. Then Kyle asked him about a cold sore he thinks he has in his mouth. Dr. Locker answered that only time could heal that.

Later at home Kyle brought the timer to me and said, “Look, this will heal my cold sore! Dr. Locker said so.”

DSCF1225(Pic taken 12/12/13)




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Under Construction!!!

When ever I upload the video from my YouTube channel it posts one of my other videos. It driving me nuts! So I will give it a break and walk away and try again hopefully tomorrow.

Until then the URL is –  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bf1S4UUQilg&feature=share&list=UUSP5n88BddF0AkvqknMRrgg&index=5


DSCF1089(A pic I took at Dashio Con 2013.)


A friend posted a link to another article that reminds me of what I was talking about on my vlog. It’s called,

What My Kids Are Learning While Playing Minecraft.


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Levi funnies

3/25/12 – age 9
I posted this account on my FaceBook –

So, when you tell an autistic child at the market that the apples are down further, expect them to bend over. Yeah, that happened, I kept saying, “no down” and pointing but Levi kept leaning further and further down, toward the ground looking intently. It was too cute and funny.


I am copying Levi stories from another blog on here and transferring them onto this one.



Discussion between my son and I in the car. Levi is 8 years old at this time.

Levi  – Mom, you know, um that guy, uh, Santa. Why does Santa’s Nanny get more presents than any one else?

Mom – Who told you that?

Levi – NO MOM! IT THE TRUTH! They are real, they are still alive!

Mom – Ok! But who did you hear it from?

Levi – No one. I had it in my head. So why does Santa’s Nanny get more Presents?

Mom – I don’t know. Why?

Levi – I don’t know.

Later Grandma Shirley asked Levi to tell her about Santa’s Nannie. His only reply was, “I think she’s a girl.”


The doctor asked Levi if he liked his new school. He didn’t reply. She asked him if it was good or bad. He replied that it was good and bad . Then she asked him what was good about it, he said, “yes’. She asked again what was good about it and he replied, “yep”. She gave up and asked what was bad about it. Then he went into a more descriptive answer.


We were in the car talking while the radio played Tonight by Enrique Iglesias. as usual there was more than one kids talking at a time but I heard Levi when he said in a lower serious tone, “he said I was pretty” I asked him what he said and he repeated in the same tone, “he said I’m pretty.” “Who said it?” I asked. Then the other kids all let me know, it was Enrique Iglesias in his song. lol That little twerp! Levi got me this time!


Levi was talking in his sleep last night and said, “Know what I like to do with my mom? I like to give her a hug. Yeah, that’s what I do I give her hugs.”


3/25/12 age 9

About a week or so ago Levi informed me he wasn’t allowed to say “sexy” at school. I then wanted to know the story behind how he found that out. He told me some boys were talking with him and one said his brother was popular. Levi responded by saying, “Well I’m sexy.”  I’m sure the group LMFAO had a lot to do with that lovely addition to his vocabulary. I was glad to hear Levi didn’t get in trouble, just informed of school rules.


We went to Deeply Rooted for Mabon. Well, four of us did, Levi stayed with his dad.  After ritual Wade informed everyone that they could chose a gift from the blanket. He does this every Mabon and keeps nick-nacks and various items he finds for the event.  Kyle was very happy to pick out a small treasure chest. He was allowed to get a few more items so he chose some glass jewels that he proudly placed in his treasure chest.  He then went around asking people, “Do you wanna see my jewels?”


Kara was going through her thing looking for stuff to get rid of. She handed me several pairs of pants and stuff then she handed me her Bratz Doll. it’s a baby doll type, not the Barbie doll kind. I told her i was gonna see if the boys wanted it partly to be funny. though if they did want it I’m cool with that.  So I showed it to Kyle who immediately went into a karate stance and started acting like he was gonna punch stuff.  Then as he turned to leave he added, “Well, it is kinda cute so you shouldn’t get rid of it.”


DSCF2123Kyle and his 2nd grade teacher.

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Your Children
By Kahill Gibran
In Singing the Living Tradition# 715

Your children are not your
They are the sons and daughters
of life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not
from you.
and though they are with you
yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but
not your thoughts.
for they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but
not their souls,
for their souls dwell in the
house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor
terries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which
your children as living arrows
are sent forth.

The Archer sees the mark upon
the path of the infinite, and
bends you with might that the
arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the
Archer’s hand be for gladness.


My thoughts on the above reading:

My folks did the best they knew how, I think. That’s a statement that can be challenged. Is being selfish and self centered and doing what makes you happy at the moment without considering how it may affect your children in the future really doing the best you know how? It could be if it is the only way you know how to live.

My parents way back when.

My dad was raised in an abusive home for children from the age of 11 to 17. My mom was raised by her mom who worked her butt off and spoiled her.  Both really didn’t know a thing about how to raise a healthy family. My dad was afraid of losing us and used fear to control us. My mom would get her way no matter what including whatever she thought we ought to be doing. Both decided that all my sister and I needed was them. My dad’s dream for us was that we would avoid responsibility like being in management and avoid anything that would cause us to be disappointed by failing. My mom’s dream was for us to be missionaries alongside her.

My sister and I about 1990 in Coronado, Ca.

They created a world where we couldn’t mentally escape. We did however, manage to escape but only into another trap. This time it was a Church leader who took over our lives and used more fear and mental tactics to keep us mentally imprisoned.

Pic found on google.

                               My patents and I celebrating my dads B’day.
Not to soon later the church we got into
didn’t allow birthday celebrations along
with most holidays because the holiday
roots are pagan.

I was 38 years old before I finally found my own way out, and not without great pain and suffering. But it was worth it, it was worth it all to be finally free to be myself.

Pic I drew.

I have four children. At first I strived to make them good little Christians like I was. My daughters are the older of the sibling and they recall the tight uncomfortable life we had before with much distaste.  When I left my mental cage I desired that my children be happy in their own way. I understood that what makes me happy or satisfied would likely be different for them since they are individuals with their own brains and their own will, desires, hopes and ideas. From time to time I would insist on things being done a certain way and then stop to consider why. If the why was a practical practice of health and safety then I would proceed but if it had come from the way I was raised with no actual good reason except the overused one, “that’s how we did it when I was a kid” and then to create more clones then I would drop it. Sometimes I will tell them about how it was more as a history lesson.

I got the pic on google pics and I added the words.

My goal for my children has been for a while now that they be independent and successful at whatever they chose to do. I want them to be aware of the world around them and realize it doesn’t revolve around them but they can make the world a better place. No matter what they choose to do with their lives I don’t want them to forget about the poor, the abused and the ecology and to do their part to help. My hopes for my children is that they not be ashamed of who they are and feel free to express themselves in confidence yet still be humble enough to continuously learn and better themselves.  How they do all this is up to them. As their parent while they are under my protection I will point the way and be an example, but I am well aware that when the time comes it will be completely in their hands.

My daughter Hannah enjoying nature a few years ago in Hawaii.

Unlike my mother, I will be happy in their individuality and their passion. I am not interested in manipulating them or their children should they have any. After all, “They are the sons and daughters
of life’s longing for itself.”

Pic of my daughter Hannah a few years ago while hiking on Oahu.

Pic of my son Kyle at Pizza Hut a few years ago in Honolulu.

I love my daughter Kara’s sense of fashion!
This is a recent pic of her in Springfield, Mo.

Having fun with Kara dressing up. Took this pic yesterday.

Here is a sermon I heard at church last week that relates.

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