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Archive for July, 2010

It was a typical drowning. I was four years old, just recently started Red Cross swimming lessons at the local pool. Just like the statistics it was at a crowded pool with no life guard. My mom took my sister and I to visit her friend Elane who lived in a trailer park and we all went to the pool.

My sister who is three years older than me swam like a fish. I remember watching her compete with her swim team. She was fast, maybe even the fastest but she never won. My mom wanted to root for her up close so she would stand at the other end of the pool and yell her cheers. My sister would stop at the end of the pool to talk to my mom making her lose every time. I never understood why my mom would continue to do that knowing my sister couldn’t help but to stop and talk to her. It’s still a mystery. I may just ask her one day out of curiosity.

I thought it was so neat how my sister would grab my moms legs and my mom would swim with her arms while my sister did the kicking. I wanted to try that so bad. I finally found the perfect opportunity at the trailer park. My mom had told me to stay on the stairs while she swam laps. My mom was one of those people who swam laps more as a relaxation than an exercise. She would not stop but do the underwater turn at the end of the pool and continue on her slow journey. My brilliant idea was that the next time she did the turn near me I would jump and grab her legs and in my mind I  could see her swimming with her arms and me kicking for the both of us.

My plan didn’t seem so brilliant when I jumped and missed landing me in waters to deep for me to stand. I tried to swim but it didn’t work, I kept going back under just before I could catch a breath. I even tried calling my sisters name out but was cut short every time. I remember water splashing around me like a wall and the silent water beneath me when I tried to swim to the side. Then, I remember absolutely nothing.

It was when my mom finished her laps and got out and when the party going on ended and everyone left that my mom noticed the blue and purple body floating stomach up chin back,  head submerged in the water. “Elane!” My mother screamed as she ran to the pool and through the water to fetch my lifeless body. She pulled me out of the water and laid me on the deck. A man came over to help her and a circle of curious on lookers began to form. Elane went to my hysterically sobbing sister Kari to comfort her.

It was 1974 and no one at the pool knew CPR. I had no vital signs so they turned me over and the man who came to help pounded on my back. My mother tried to open my locked jaw to get air into me but as I mentioned, it was locked.I remember her telling people about the bruises on the mans hands and on my back and her fingers.

Here is where my story gets shady. Since I was dead and not aware of what was going on I have to rely on what I was told by my mom as far as what happened. For years I hated recounting this story by myself or by my mother. Not because it was a bad memory but for reasons I didn’t understand. My dad passed away about 10 years ago and after his death I learned about a lot of lies he and my mother told us. Funny thing about that is that they made it very clear that telling lies was a sure way to hell and that no good ever came from them. They taught that and many other Christian values so well that I believed they lived by those values too. So, in light of realizing that my mom was capable of telling lies or twisting the truth to get her way I have to wonder as to how much of the story she told about my death was true. I am aware that she values respect as a Christian leader to an EXTREME. With this in mind I will tell you the rest of the story as I heard it all my life.

So, my jaw was locked… Out of pure frustration she finally said, “Lori, open your mouth or I’m gonna spank you.”  My mouth fell open. She still didn’t know how to get air into me and hope was sidelining away. The circle of curious onlookers started leaving till all that was left was my mom, the man helping and Elane and Kari. My mom sat back on her knees and looked up into the heavens to pray. You see, my mom and dad had been separated for two and a half years and my dad had just recently come back home. My mom prayed something like this, “Lord Jesus, I know Lori will be happier with you, but her daddy needs her. Please bring her back.” Then I started breathing.

The ambulance finally came and the EMT’s saw that I could walk and asked me my name but I didn’t know it so they gave me an oxygen mask and soon I was aware and able to answer their questions correctly.

Now, back to my side of the story. I saw a light at the end of a dark tunnel and soon it got real big and then it turned out to be the sky and I was awake. I barely remeber the ambulance ride.

Back to my moms side of the story. The EMT’s told my mom they needed to take me to the hospital. She didn’t understand why sinse I was ok. They just insisted on it. She didn’t understand why they required I spend the night either. That night she felt very uneasy and spent the time on her knees praying for me.

The next day she, my dad and sister came to see me at the hospital. While they were talking with me the doc walked in and looked at them with an expression of anger then looked at me with an expression of shock. He explained to then that that year they already had three recovered drowning children die of shock in the night and he expected me to be the fourth. He was mentally preparing himself to find me dead and then to tell them that I had died. Thus the explanation for his expressions.

On the liter side…back to my side of the story. Curious George Goes to the Hospital was one of my favorite books. I especially liked the part where George visits the play room. The room was full of children doing different activities. George spoted the record player and soon he was balancing on the record that was spinning around and around much to the children’s delight. I always thought that would be just the funnest thing to do. When the nurse brought me to the play room I was delighted to see it was set up just like the one in the Curious George book. As I looked past all the children doing different activities I spotted it! I spotted the record player right where it was in the book with a circle of children sitting around it listening to a record. I made my way over to it, I planned to ride the record just like George did. I stood there for a moment contemplating just how I would achieve this plan of mine and realized the people watching us kids would never let me do that. I was so disappointed. I saw what looked like a dog house set up for the kids to play in and decided that would be a good place to sulk. Later a nurse came looking for me and found me sitting in the back of the dog house, she pulled me out and took me back to my room. I also remember the TV. Of course it was B&W and very had few stations, not much has changed. lol It was exciting to be in control of what I watched but then I learned there wasn’t anything fun on. I did very much like the jello!

I remember being put in a very large old fashioned looking bathtub and bathing when my dad walked in. I was very happy to see him but embarrassed when my Uncle Don came in behind him. My dad sent my Uncle out and tried to explain that I was just a little kid and it was ok. I still didn’t want any one else but my mom, dad and sister seeing me in a bath tub.

As time went by my mom would share my drowning story often. As I stated before something about it made me feel uneasy. I see now that some people would see a story like that as a validation. What I mean is, my mom wanted to be a spiritual leader. Telling how she raised me from the dead and how she knew to be prayerful all night and so on would tell folks to listen and obey her cause she has spiritual gifts. I’m not saying she doesn’t have spiritual gifts and one of them may be communicating with spirits, but that doesn’t aromatically make her a wise person or a leader. And if one is going to twist and lie to get attention and recognition then they will never learn true wisdom and how to properly use their gifts. It is good to admit you have a gift but you should stay in a spirit of humility in order to learn to use the gift to the best of it’s ability.

In the past it wasn’t just my mom recalling my drowning story that made me uneasy, it made me uneasy to talk about it myself as well. I wanted to talk about it cause I wanted to give glory to God for what he had done and I felt guilty for not feeling right about it. Now I understand why. Now I can tell the story with my honest disclaimer.

FYI, I did ask my sister Kari what she remembered. She didn’t recall much cause she spent most the time crying hysterically. She remember Elane comforting her, she remember a man there trying to help my mom, she remember the school bully Phillip walking in during the whole drama and ask her why she was crying and feeling embarrassed about her ugly swim suit. We both remember Phillip telling us later at school that he wished I died, he continued to bring this up for years. It didn’t bother us cause he was always mean like that.

I usually recount this story in short form to warn parents and guardians about the danger of having a four year old at a pool. My warning is still good. Please watch your children at the pool or around water. Children around the age of four who are good kids and obedient are especially in danger. I was one of the obedient “good” kids. What I did was not out of rebellion and it didn’t occur to me that I was disobeying. I thought it through and it seemed like a very good idea to me. Also remember,  people have drowned in puddles so, shallow water is still dangerous.  Never listen to people who say it will be Ok. Even good swimmers can drown. If something scares them and they panic they lose their reasoning and can drown. Don’t be fearful, Be Watchful!

Me and my big sis!

There have been times more recently that I wondered if I really died or if that was made up as well. What makes me still believe that I did in actually die is what I saw as I woke back up to life. Most people who describe waking up from passing out say it is a lot like waking from sleep except their is often confusion, or blurred vision and maybe a headache,etc.  I remember everything being pitch black and a very small pin hole light that suddenly became the sky and I was awake. It is much like the light at the end of the tunnel feel made reality.

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Preston is now stationed out of San Diego but his ship is and will be out to sea for a very long time. He decided sinse he will be out in the great big blue that he no longer needed a cell phone. So he canceled it along with mine and our daughters. I still have my house phone and I guess this means I need to start listening to it’s messages. Ak!

My advise for single parents:

Do you have anyone near you who will baby sit your kids for you? If so, you need to get out one evening a week with absolutely no children, not even other peoples children. It will help you survive this difficult time you are a part of. I have gone months with no reprieve and I’ve been in some very gray murky depressing black holes. Thankfully I recently had Preston here for his latest moving leave a few weeks back. I took off out of town cause I learned the hard way that if I stick around he wont spend time with the kids or help out. I went to Spring Field MO and stayed with Sabrina’s family. She and her mom, Shirley,  have been my sanity through all this. I am so thankful for their friendship. I call Shirley mom and I write my venttations to her often. lol Yes, I made that word up. 😉 Now they are on a vacation and are here in KZoo with me! 🙂

About husbands:

The lack responsibility and compassion seems to be in abundance these days. I hope so much that I raise my boys better than that. I love telling them that their job in life is to protect and be a guardian for ladies and children. Well, it’s a start anyway.

A warning for newly divorced or separated woman:

Beware of womanizers, they pray on woman in your exact position. They usually have a wife or ex that has been awful to them, such sad heart wrenching stories, and stories is exactly just what they are. They should be in the movies cause they possess wonderful acting skills. They usually come off as super great with kids and kids love ’em. Yep, I’m sorry to say, well, not sorry, it’s all character and wisdom building I guess, but Yes, I’ve been there done that. It hurts like hell and it doesn’t go away for a long time. It’s not like woman in this position really need more pain, ya know?!

About trolls:

I thought of a new way to describe trolls, Free Radicals. They are like cells with the important stuff missing and they swim around randomly attaching themselves to who ever and trying to suck the life out of them. If to many of them get together, well, then you got a cancer.

That’s about it for now.

Bright blessings!




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I just joined a group for moms who are “different”. They asked us to write about who we are and what makes us different. I think I may have written to much. And even though I have already hit the post button I can still think of more things to add. But I will behave for now and not do that. lol I decided that sinse I already took the time and brain power to write it out on there I ‘d copy and past it on here. Here it is…

_________________________________________________________________

I’m from So Cal, lived in a house till I was nine raised by a very Christian mom and a bar-tending dad. Have one older sister. The not so norm at that time was that my mom liked to bring strangers home. One time my dad came home late at night from work and found people sleeping all over the living room couches and floor. They were a traveling RV Christian group. He didn’t care a lot for it but put up with it till he noticed they wouldn’t help out with any thing.

We sold our house and used the money to buy a 41 foot sail boat. We moved and her when I was 10 and lived on her till I was 19. I was home-schooled most of that time. My mom wanted to travel around the world as a missionary and my dad just wanted to sail.

Wither my dad made a good income or made nothing we were always very poor. He didn’t spend the money wisely I guess. Often they would “borrow” my money cause I would save it from baby sitting or selling found golf balls. I never saw the money again and I later learned that they never intended to give it back. When I brought this up as an adult my mom rebuked me, I guess she felt she had a right to it, she feels that way about everything she gives to people too. I’ve learned to take what she gives and when she asks for it back I “just say no”! lol Thankfully she lives far away! I’ve also learned to love her for who she is cause she isn’t gonna change. Some days are easier than others.

I wanted to encourage my big sis in the medical field so I took an ROP class to become a CNA/HHA at the San Diego Community Collage. I knew if I took the class she would too. It worked! I was actually to young but they forgot to put an age limit on the paper work. I was 15. I am thankfull I passed even though I was so young and had no interest in the medical field. I used the skill as a HHA for a little while.

When I was 17 and 18 My sister and I did Missionary work at an Orphanage in Mexico. For me it was a summer mission, my sister was there longer till she got hepatitis B. My mom, sister and I and friends would go to Mexico a lot with Sister Stamps who brought food and would bring guest preachers.

My whole family was kicked out and ostracized from a Church because my mom wouldn’t obey the pastor. She was very cult inclined but then she would stand up to them and they didn’t like it. Usually they avoided her but this one actually kicked my whole family out and told the members not to even talk to us.

At age 19 my mom found a cult that the leader would put up with her. I was easily suckered in. Lost about 20 years of my life to it, from the age or 19 to 36. Waking up to my reality was so very painful, but truth is more important to me so it was worth the month long shower of regret, plus. I need to make sure I learned my lesson and never go back.

I’ve been to Las Vegas many many times but never gambled there or really had any fun. Always went there for church stuff. My leader was African American and the churches we visited were always black churches. Have to say, the music was usually awesome!

I had my first dance with alcoholic beverages when I was 36 and first time to get drunk. Did some other no no stuff too. lol I call it my very short make-up rebellion days. When your older I guess you learn faster. My sister insists that I am still “wild” cause I will not come back to the cult and cause I believe it’s ok to drink beer. Thankfully she doesn’t bug me about it, but it still hurts a little. We were real close.

At age 26 I married a man with Asperger’s though we didn’t know about it. BTW, I had wanted to be married since I was 13, so 26 seemed old to me. I knew him a month before saying the vows at the court house and never getting my promised wedding.

We had four kids together. I guess they could be called, daddy came home on leave kids. lol He’s Navy. Now I am a single mom and have the kids full time.

I was told all my life growing up that I wasn’t pretty enough to be a model or pagent person, wasn’t smart enough, didn’t sing as good as and so forth and so on. Here’s the fun part, I became Mrs. Hawaii International in 2008. Love a good underdog story!

I discovered that Wicca wasn’t evil after all while reading the House of Night novels. Did my own investigating and loved what Wicca stood for. Now I consider myself Agnostic-Wiccan. I’ve been in the pagan way for about 9 months now.

My kids are:

2 girls ages 12 and 10

2 boys ages 8 and almost 5

My 12 and 8 year olds have Asperger’s.

I used to be very shy and hardly ever spoke. Now I am pretty bold and out spoken. It can depend on my mood, of course. I also used to hate to cry. I cry pretty easy now, not real bold about it though.

Art is my life, I have to have a camera at all times. I started a photography business when I lived in Hawaii. I may start it up again some time soon, working on it anyway. I want to produce and make movies. I want to be a talk show host. I am currently writing a children’s book about a dog.

I don’t think my life can ever be normal. I feel like it’s written in the stars or in my cells or something. It is my fate or maybe destiny, it just happens. I had some off and on times in the last three years when I just wanted to be normal. But I am realizing that is not gonna happen and am accepting who and what I am.

I hope I didn’t write to much. Now that I’ve got this all written out I may as well put it on my blog too. lol  I want to add that I was bitter and unforgiving for a long time. The healing has set in finally and though I still have some unforgiveness left I am steadily getting there.

I look forward to getting to know you all!

Lori

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I was just reading an article forwarded to me on my e-mail about the way laminin looks so much like a cross and how God inter-weaved the symbol of Christs love for us by making what holds us together, laminin, look like a cross.

I  remembered while reading that inspirational message how Brigid’s cross was around long before Christianity and many other symbols of the cross were around way before Judaism.  Seeing that crosses were used to start fires many pagans used the cross to signify the Sun God.  For those who love Christmas this should mean a lot to you cause Christmas was originally Winter Solstice and Winter Solstice or Yule was a celebration of not only another turning of the seasons but of the death and resurrection of the Sun God . The day originally celebrated was the longest day in the year, thus his death, and the next day being the day that the sun would start to shine longer and longer, thus his resurrection.  The Catholics, Christians of that time, seized the opportunity to relate all this to Jesus being the Son rather than Sun and his glorious birth just like the birth of the Sun God.

Back to the cross, the ankh was the Egyptian sign of the cross and it represented life. One of their goddesses carried the symbol in their drawings. It also represented the Sun God and a sign of life to them.

Ireland is home to the belief of the Goddess Brigid. She is also associated with fire. She is celebrated by many pagans during Imbolic which is the celebration of spring. During that time people often make crosses out of reed woven in a certain manner called Brigid’s cross.

The cross also represented in ancient times the turning of the seasons. That was likely the most significant of all symbols.

I read a while back about an artifact from ancient times found of a goddess crucified on a cross. I don’t recall what or if they knew her name. I just remember it was very ancient.

The seasons are vital to our life here on planet Earth. So the cross as a representation of the seasons is pretty cool. Just like the body is held together by the cross looking Laminin our Eco-system is held together by the cross of the four seasons as well as the four elements.

Here is a pic that is circulating often used in Christian inspirational messages.

Here is a pic I found that looks more like a real picture.

This is how Brigid’s Cross often looks now days.

This is Isis carrying the ankh.

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