Archive for November, 2010

Why Men Are Alone

I reunited with an old friend on FB a while back. I liked him even way back when. He traveled cross country to come visit and spend time with me. It was wonderful at first. I wanted someone to love me and to love and someone who would be a good daddy figure for my kids. I was aware he had some children as well and would have been happy to be involved in their lives. At first it seemed like we could fit the bill for each other but time taught me otherwise. If things had worked out I would have gladly moved to be with him and his kids. A big family was worth the move and we weren’t settled into our new place yet anyway.  But he had preconceived ideas. He decided I was not going to move where he was and he had at one time lived where I was and never wanted to live there again, so he saw the relationship as futile. I didn’t know but learned quickly that he was quick to judge and short sited.

He quickly ended out brief romance by being callus toward me. He threw a few insults and let me know that since neither of us was willing to move it would never work. I did tell him before hand that I was not sure I wanted to stay where I was and was open to consider moving, but his preconceived ideas blocked my words. He had walls in place to protect himself and couldn’t hear or see my intentions.

Of course this hurt my feelings and I tried to talk to him about it. I’m sure you know that was a bad idea, it just caused him to get agitated. He removed me from his friends list on FaceBook. It is FaceBook etiquette to let someone know why you are removing them unless your intentions are to hurt them or you think they won’t notice. I asked him why he did this and he replied that he played Mafia Wars and didn’t want to annoy me with all the game requests. At that time I also played Mafia Wars.  I didn’t buy that excuse but it was obvious he didn’t want to talk to me anymore so I let it alone.

A year passed. I was notified that one of his children took their life. I cried for days for her and him and his other children. I had never met her but I felt the pain of her loss anyway and I felt it deep. At one time I wondered how thing would have played out if he had not had his walls of preconceived ideas about me. Would it have made a difference if things had worked out and I had moved and we had joined our families?  Or would she have still taken her life regardless? I shamed myself for allowing those thoughts in.  Besides, it was too late, there was no going back and really, I learned from the way he treated me that my life may have been very unpleasant with him. Still, I would have like to see her live.

So, what brings me to talk about this now and to entertain that forbidden thought? I dare go there now because since him I have been seeing a similar pattern in American men. I say American because I haven’t trotted the globe yet. I see the same short sightedness played out over and over again. Or maybe I am guilty of being to futuristic. Of course there is a balance somewhere.

I have one old friend who was much too busy to see me or introduce me to his family. He knew my kids and I needed friends but still claimed the “too busy” card. But did he ever think that maybe by finding a little time to have me and my kids over to meet his family that we could have possibly made his life easier. Instead of running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to work overtime, take the kids to events and care for his sick wife, he could have had me there to help with some of those chores.  Maybe, just maybe we would have been a good influence for his kids too, who knows.

As far as relationships on the romantic end, I find myself happier and able to execute my daily tasks with better ease when it is available. I am beginning to think men are the opposite that having a woman in their lives drags them down or so they think it will. Fear is a big part of men lives now days. Folks used to say it was because they had a family to look after but I am seeing it in single men and divorced men, but not in woman with in the same boat. I see it again as short sited. I would love a relationship with a man that I can be a team with, a relationship that would ease both our burdens.  Maybe I am rare; maybe most women do make men’s lives harder.  Men sure do see it that way. And because they are too shortsighted to get to know me I get grouped in with the lot. I do know I am not really the only woman who wants to contribute to the team effort, but either the other woman are in a relationship already or they are not the kind to push themselves in front of a moving bus, I mean man, and be noticed.

There are plenty more examples I could give of men and their short sited shoot themselves in the foot actions.  But I think you get the idea. And sure, there are woman like that. However, woman do not carry that same reputation. Women can work a job, go to school, raise a couple kids as single moms or not, cook, clean and still find a moment to see an old friend or make a new neighbor feel at home. If they don’t it’s likely cause they were the queen bee in their high school clique and never changed. Otherwise they see the value of a person and have an idea that the contact or friendship may come in handy one day in the future. When someone moves woman don’t burn the bridge, they keep it open because you just never know.  I’ve seen too many men burn the bridge as far down as they can.

What causes men to be so short sighted, to only see what is right in front of them? I fail to really know and believe it may be the way they are raised in our society. But then again it could be scientific. Maybe it has to do with testosterone.  It does seem lately that in some areas women are beginning to join the ranks of men in their oblivion. That makes me think it is how they are raised, a messed up cultural problem.

I just wish that men, and some woman, would stop to think about how even one person could benefit their life. Even if it is in a small way, every positive thing should be prized in this world of negatives.  I wish they would consider the possible negative impact on them and their family that could come from shunning what seems to be an insignificant person.

What about me? Am I guilty in anyway? Yes, I most certainly am. I was raised to be afraid of just about everyone. Did I suffer from it? You have no idea, I most certainly did. But… I believe in changing to better myself.  Those I have feared I am learning to embrace.  Sure, the wisdom of it is tricky but I will never learn it if I run from it. Is there hope? Well, that can only be answered by each individual for themselves.

11/13/10 Updated

I believe the major problem lies in the idea that men are an island, they can function alone and any need for a partner is a sign of weakness. Thus destroying the foundation of society. What happens to a football team if you take away every position but one. You have destroyed the team and thus the game. In order for there to be even a chance at having a successful team you need all players with all positions. There is a well used scripture in the bible that talks about the members of the body and what would it be like if the hand decided it didn’t need the foot and so on. Well, that is exactly what has happened in our culture, men don’t need anyone else and most certainly not woman. From a woman’s view point you could say that the hand just decided it didn’t need the brain. That was said with humor. We all need each other, we all have talents that are out of balance with out the other persons. Regardless of opinion, we need each other.


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