I’ve been blog gone for a while now and I apologize. I’m not saying I’m “back” but I will try to do better. I still am on Facebook but normally for only brief moments of time. Instagram has been my go-to because I can make quick clips and pics on my phone and keep going. (You can find me there at www.instagram.com/lorenakoran/) But even that apparently has challenges. I learned the hard way that my new Cricket phone has a limited high speed internet thing on it and I used it all up so I couldn’t post Instagram stuff until I paid my bill for the next month. I think I used up my high speed privileges by using YouTube music while driving, which I do a lot of. Oops! I’m not to happy about that. I’m already paying enough for me and my daughters phone services, (Her dad contributes a little for hers, but it still adds up.) I don’t need an added extra charge. I guess I’ll have to start downloading music. Another time consumer and not always free unless you use the free stuff which normally comes with viruses and spam.
So yeah, I have been busy. That’s not new. Hannah has a job that I get to drive her too. I am very proud of her and I want to encourage her and she will pay me for gas when she gets paid. Thankfully it’s not super far away. She got this one through the DVR and Aurora services and we hope the place she is working at will like her and hire her when the allotted time is up. Already it is better then the place DVR placed her in last summer. That place (PetCo) didn’t bother training her but insisted she stalk shelves. Then when her DVR person came in to check on her the manager said she wasn’t taking initiative. Hannah wanted to learn more but they wouldn’t let her! Ug! So, this place she is at now is all about training her. So much better!
Sometimes it’s easy to lose track of the struggles people with aspergers (now just called Autism) go through. When they are “high functioning” there are times it seems they can take on the world. But that just isn’t reality. Just because a person with aspergers turnes 18 doesn’t mean they suddenly have the skills needed to get, maintain and keep a job. Their pace is often slower. Given time they could master the trait and actually do better then anyone else, but not everyone understands they need time to really learn it. Then there’s the days when there is too much stress and they melt down. How may places of employment can understand when someone calls in saying they can’t work that day because they had a melt down. Some folks with ASD wouldn’t be able to even express that. Plus, not many folks really even know what a melt down is and the time it takes to come back from one. Spin around until you can’t stand, then try doing your job. Not only is it very difficult or even impossible, it’s a bad idea. I really appreciate the services out there that are in place for people who have disabilities or mental issues, yet want to work and have the most normal life they can. Yes, sometimes such services are neglectful or take “forever”, but sometimes they pull through and are just what you need.
I’m happy the school year is almost over. I wish it was already over because we are moving next week. As far as the boys, whom I am homeschooling, I plan so far to continue at a slow pace through out summer. I’m glad RVA and my boys RVA teacher are set up for such things. The last two weeks homeschooling has gotten steadily more difficult. Mainly due to my youngest increased melt downs. Since he comes home so depressed from his dads home, Kyle’s therapist and I decided it would be a good idea for me to keep him home on the weekends for about three weeks instead of going to dads to see if things improved. We lasted two weeks. The depression did improve but the melt downs continued to get worse and worse. I believe he is depressed at dads because instead of throwing a fit, crying, saying horrible things and so on he holds it all in. He’s told me many times he is afraid of his dad which is why he “behaves” for him. So, when he gets home he pretty much explodes and has little control over his negative mood and depression. I’ve had several special ed teachers explain to me that often kids are bad for mom because they feel comfortable around her. It sounds wrong, but it’s actually right, as in the right thing to feel.
I have asked his therapist about what I should do in the case of him acting out or trying to act out his threats, (they are usually about himself). He pretty much told me to do what I planned to do which is to take him to the ER. But what I didn’t know is that the ER is trained to handle and refer issues like that to a mental health specialist. Hopefully it won’t come to that but it’s good to know.
The other night I did some research on Kyle’s symptoms. I found they match either a mental psychosis or a bad reaction to the meds he just happens to be on. One way or another it seems his meds are not right for him. He has been refereed to a child psyc next month. It’s a long way away but the alternative is to get one near by and wait a year. Next month already feels like a year away so I don’t mind the drive. One of the many things that sends Kyle into a melt down is his frustration with himself. His OCD is getting out of hand and that will set him off. It’s difficult to have to have to walk on egg shells around him but I also feel so bad for him because he is frustrated and upset with himself.
Then there’s the other kids. I have three older them him. (He’s ten, btw.) They have their own issues to deal with like aspergers, ADHD and Autism. I am relieved they are doing so well. But after having Kyle stay home from dads on the weekends for two weeks I saw them get so stressed out and tired and easily frustrated. It made me think about how it’s not just me that needs the weekend break but they have needed it as well all along. I don’t do favorites, it’s never been something I cared to do or put up with. But, in a way Kyle’s has been treated like a favorite for a while now. So many things are in place to keep him from going off. Now with things getting worse the other kids have also had to walk on egg shells around him. That is not fair to them. Although it breaks my heart to see Kyle depressed, I have to keep sending him to dads for his siblings sake as well as mine. This evening I did explain the situation to his dad. I encouraged him, again, to see Kyle’s therapist. I told him that possibly the therapist would have some ideas for him to help Kyle not get depressed. I hope I got through this time.
I hope that the appointment for next month will be effective and we can figure out how to make Kyle’s life not just bearable but positive and no longer something he feels frustrated over. I would love to have my baby back. Sometimes I think about when he was a baby and I can’t help but cry cause I miss him. He was the funnest, alert, happy, curious and wonderful little (he really was a little guy) baby. Sometimes I see other people and their adorable happy well behaved baby and I can’t help think about how you just never know what that baby will become. But, then again, I also watch shows like Beautiful Mind and Temple Grandin and I remember that things can change for the better too. Even my own daughter Hannah is comforting when I recall how horribly difficult she was when she was younger and how wonderful of a person she has become now. She was actually a easy teen to raise. We had moments but compared to normal kids she was a jewel. It was before that that we had so much trouble. So, I know, sometimes, that there is hope. And I know for sure I will not give up on Kyle. We will figure it out.
One thing I am very glad about is that we are not still in that horrible cult we had been in. If we were I have no doubt they would be saying my son is demon possessed. The idiot church leader who titled him self a prophet said Hannah was demon possessed and had no clue (from God who he hears from and speaks for, or so he wants people to believe) that she was autistic. Although this is abuse, I must tell you that it’s something which Hannah now takes great pride in. Love her sense of humor!
Haha! Aww! I almost forgot to add, my own health has been challenged. My periods may or may not happen monthly but when they do they last anywhere from three weeks to a month and a half. On top of losing all that blood, I had a blood test done while I was not pms’ing and it showed that I was very anemic as well as some other issues. So, I was told to take iron. (It has to be the Ferrous Sulfate kind and not the “other” kind.) No wonder I was craving rare hamburger. Lol. That was a while ago. I have been feeling a little better as far as energy so it was no surprise today when I got the call from my newer blood test that my blood levels have improved but the doc still wants me on iron. I did have something else that was off so now I need to see a rheumatologist. I had had a lot of tingling and pain in my arms, mostly the right, whenever I tried to go to sleep for quite a while. It’s improved a lot so I haven’t really been thinking about it but I’m sure it’s all related. I also have been diagnosed with RLS. The meds help a lot. I can’t hep but wonder what’s going on and what I will learn and piece together once I get to talk to a professional about it all.
So I gota tell you about the other night, if you’re still reading this. Lol! Kyle continuously wakes me up as long as he is awake. Usually he doesn’t drift off to seep for quite a while. Some nights he zonks right out and some nights he stays awake for a very long time. Usually it’s the in between one and if I let him talk to me he’ll wind down and pass out. However, the other night it was a no sleep night for him. I was dog tired, like usual, and kept passing out. Each time he would wake me. I think most of you know how that feels. It’s quite unpleasant. Anyway, it happened over and over so many times that I finally woke up and jerked at begin startled by the daylight. It was kinda funny.
So, there ya have it. Why I have been internet AWOL.
Now for the move which I am mostly looking forward to it. The trailer we are in now has such tiny rooms and it’s cold in the winter. I don’t know if the house we are moving into will be warm, but it is bigger. Here’s the crazy thing about houses. In each area or state there should be required things in a home. Like in tornado alley all homes (including apartments) should have storm cellars. I have heard California has codes that building have to be built earth quake proof. At least they get it! Here in Wisconsin homes should be required to have mud rooms. All the people in the homes here have big snow boots, big giant jackets, big snow pants, hats and gloves that get wet and so on. A little tiny coat closet or door way can not handle even one persons snow stuff let alone a family of five! Yeah! So, that’s what I think! If you’re gonna build a home here, or an apartment, or even a trailer, for cryin out loud include a mud room!!! Okay, I ranted. Thank you! Lol! Oh, yeah, another think I am looking forward to is not living in a small town with nothing to do in the winter which is most of the time. Moving is a pain in the back, and feet … and I will miss the porch and the neighbors, but, that’s about it. I’m ready to go!
On the lighter side, let me tell you about out hamster, Hanz. He’s a little hooligan. I just expect him to die, those little things get tumors and die so easy that I just expect it. This little dude likes to throw me off and appear dead sometimes. Today he was laying sideways on top of his floor stuff and twitching. OMG, really! I said something to Hannah and Levi about it but they are used to his antics and are more pessimistic about it anyway. So Levi calmly says, “touch him”. So I did and he just laid there twitching. So I touched him again. This time he got up and ran away to the other side of his tank. Twerp! Hannah and Levi thought is was so funny that he scared mommy, …again.
Life will get better because we will make it so. I sometimes wonder how friends and folks I know and have met have dealt with and how they have felt going through similar or even worse things then what I am going through with my son right now. I think of them and think they likely have the same thoughts and feelings I have and I understand that there is no way to really understand what it’s like unless you go through it. Yet I don’t wish it on anyone either. Once again I hope that by expressing myself and telling my story maybe it will help people understand at least a little and maybe it will help other parents or care givers like me know they are not alone. While you don’t have to hold on to fairy tales, you do have to hold on to hope. But I must say, fairy tales do provide a temporary escape from time to time. Although it partly pains me to send my son to his dads on the weekends I believe he is in a safe place and it gives me time to do something for myself and as I have recently come to understand, a break for the other kids. I feel very lucky to have this. In the past it wasn’t possible because my other kids were too young and had their own problems I had to be present for. So, as negative as things have gotten there is a ray of light. I read and watch inspirational things when I find myself getting to negative. It helps pull me back up. I also have a mental bucket list and ideas for my future that I can use to look forward to. I finally started a vision board. It took me a long time because I felt seeing pictures and words about what I want to do would be too depressing. But it’s actually not. It’s quite pleasant looking at those pics. I need to do more but at least I got it started.
Hey, come by my Autism, etc page and hit “like” and join the conversation, if there is one, or start one. Just be nice. If you wanna not be nice there’s a ton of other ASD groups that are fine with that. It’s at – https://www.facebook.com/autismrisesabove/.
And now for some funny pictures!
This one is not funny. Lol!
Okay, I’ll stop now. 😉