Archive for the ‘blogging’ Category

Letting Go Of Past Job Negativity


Leave your worries behind is a good MO in general but it’s also necessary when applying it to the workplace.


Leave your troubles at the door before walking in, and not just that, but also any old hang-ups you may still have clinging to you from last places of employment. They are like cobwebs and unbecoming often affecting our interactions with guests, customers, and other employees.

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If it helps, one can create a virtual file in their mind and file their home issues in one and past workplace issues in another and so on. Consider making a mental file for your current place of employment to file possible stresses in for when it’s time to leave so you don’t take work stressors home to family and friends.

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I was inspired to write about this because I’ve seen a few folks here and there who seem to be carrying drama from past employments over to their current job. It’s like they have a work setting and that setting is programmed to act as though no matter what, work is tasking and is to be complained about when conversing about it. It’s a one setting program. We would do well to check ourselves to be sure we do not develop such restricted mental settings.

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Sure, it’s good to get frustrations out, but when the subject of your job comes up and all you have to say about it is complaints or mixed with complaints, it’s time to take a mental step back and admit you have a workplace negative outlook mental challenge to overcome. Start finding the good things about your job. Write them down and add to it as you start recognizing more positive things as you go.

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They say a person should enjoy their job, and if they don’t then they need to find a different place of employment. However, it’s usually not that easy. Especially so if you have a negative workplace mentality you’re just going to keep it from job to job until you face it and stop the mindset. Once you start building positive outlooks and mindsets you may find your job isn’t so terrible after all, or, you may be more open to actually find the job you would actually be happy doing without sabotaging your chance to enjoy it.

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This can all be applied to educating yourself as well. A negative look at life causes us to fail before we even get started. It can feel comforting, complaining can feel like a big warm hug sometimes, but it’s a matter of time before that big warm hug kicks you out the door into the freezing cold with nothing left to comfort you. Reprograming your brain to see the positive isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. It’s not lying either. Positive thinking can seem like work cause it does take an effort to make your world the way you want it to be.

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Another reason people get drawn into complaining and having a bad attitude is their workplace peers. Trying to fit in can do it, just being around people who complain all the time can do it, you can get sucked into complaining by other employees easily. Some places you can remove yourself from those types of people but other places you can’t. So, it will take an effort to maintain a good mental disposition. Keep this in your mind; Will they support you and your family if you get fired for complaining or having a bad attitude and can’t get another job? No! They won’t even acknowledge they had anything to do with it. They aren’t gonna pay your bills, so don’t get caught up in their negativity barfing sessions.

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I want to add here that there is a big chance that the people you find yourself complaining with, the ones who also bad mouth their job, are actually complaining about you being a complainer behind your back. Oh yeah, they totally do that. And, if you get in trouble, they will not be there for you, well, they will be there for you but not in a good way, they’ll confirm the fact that you had a bad attitude and complained about your job all the time and they won’t mention once that they did the same thing and that you guys all had complaining sessions together. Nope, it will be just you all on your lonesome. Another good thing to remember if you ever feel the desire to fit in with those type of people. 

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And remember, your past job is not your current job. Leave the baggage that job provided at that job. You have enough burdens to carry, let the ones you no longer need go. Just virtually cut them loose. Let yourself start a new legacy at your current or new place of employment.

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Set yourself up for success!



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I’m sharing this personal story because I don’t want others to go through what I’ve gone through.
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You see, well when I was a child my parents warned me not to play with my pancreas. “Lori, if you keep playing with your pancreas you’ll get pancreatitis,” they’d say. Did I listen? Of course not! It was the 70’s and parents said we would get some kind of “itis” form just about everything.
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Okay, that never actually happened. But it was a good story. I’m not sure how others have gone about getting pancreatitis, and I’m still learning about it so I haven’t quite figured how I went about getting it.
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As usual, when the pain was just too long and too much it was a Friday night. Meaning, the ER was the only cool place to hang out at for an emergency, and any follow-up doctors appointments would have to wait till the weekend was over.
So, chatting with my doc about it hasn’t happened yet. I am, however, very cleaned out at the moment, a liquid diet will do that to ya. I have IBS so most often I’m not hanging onto any old used up crap anyway.
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I’ve also been reading tidbits about the pancreas and pancreatitis now and then, here and there. It’s rather redundant so diving into the study of that rather clandestine glandular organ isn’t something I want to dedicate large portions of my time to.
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The ER doctor was considering hospitalizing me but instead released me with instructions. One, go on a clear fluid diet for several days. Two, make a follow-up appointment with my doctor. Three, well three was just a prescription for pain and four would be a doctors excuse for not going to work note that I plan to hand in when I go to work. I did leave early on Thursday due to upper stomach pain and I called early Friday to let them know I needed to stay home.
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Well shoot, this isn’t a first. While writing the last sentence I got a bit fuzzy on the sequence of days. Turnes out I went to the ER on Thursday night. Soooo, I could have made a follow-up doctors appointment. Oops!  Have you met me? Cause if you haven’t, well, this isn’t an uncommon occurrence. Because of that sort of woolgathering, no, more like distractedness, I have a “mom’s” calendar made especially for folks just like me, a “mom’s” style daily planner that I carry with me almost everywhere, and alarms set on my phone for various things I need to remember throughout the day.
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Back to my indisposition, Pan Creat(e) itis, I’m working on remembering the spelling of this silent but organ of great caliber.
It’s a little bugger. I wonder how long it’s actually been acting up shrouded by other organs allowing them to take the blame while it peered out astern from the more mainstream organ we call the stomach.
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The pancreas, which I think should include a ‘u’ in its spelling, is known for all kinds of issues when it’s not happy. Alcohol abuse is the main reason for most peoples pancreatitis. Rules me out on that one. I rarely drink and when I do it’s Dos Equis, lol, no jk, but I do like Dos Equis. But really, occasionally I’ll add a fourth of a cup or less of wine to my juice. If I’m getting really wild I might have a wine cooler. whoo hoo!! But I don’t really crave alcohol, I just talk big. There are many other causes, feel free to look it up. In other words, I haven’t had any solid food in three days and I don’t feel like going on about all the potential causes.
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I guess we’ll just see what happens next, what I learn next, and if my spelling gets any better, and so on.
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Thanks for reading my blog about pancreatitis, oops, auto correct caught the ‘u’ I put in it again. Darn it! I hope this helps to motivate and inspire you to care for your most paramount pancreas. (Yes, I have trouble not putting a ‘u’ in the word pancreas too.) Having a pancreas removed results in dependency on insulin shots cause your natural insulin dealer is your pancreas. Safeguard that baby, but, take my parents warning, don’t play with it.
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Felicia sleeping

Pancreas’ are ugly so here’s a picture of my cat. 


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My rebuttal to Matt Clarks 7 Reasons Why Atheism Makes No Sense To Me

My rebuttal to Matt Clarks

7 Reasons Why Atheism Makes No Sense To Me 


You can find this article at:






I have copied his numbered points and then wrote my response below them. Also, please remember this blog is reactive to his so if you are not reading his, some things may seem rather random.


#1: Because its practitioners don’t believe insignificance but still look for it
#4: Because it leaves truth up to individuals


I find that many religious folks forget about this thing called a conscience, and they tend to believe that a person who doesn’t believe in a god does not have ethics and morals.


If you’re not a full-fledged psychopath, then you have one and it keeps you on a moral and ethical path. That and your family, community, and environment over time add to it.  

As time passes some people stop paying attention to different aspects of their conscience. There’s also those folks who like to add to it and may even insist others do the same. Regardless, all these kinds of deviations are found in every religious and nonreligious people group.  Funny thing about this, atheist make up the least amount of people in prisons. If they didn’t have a conscience, morals, ethics, and a vision of their future, there would be way more.


I often describe myself as a science-based atheist cause your right, there are some that get stuck on a glitch and keep repeating the same thing over and over and don’t move on. It’s annoying when religious, atheists, and really anyone does this.


The science behind evolution and the big bang have been validated, but what was before all that?  Scientists are still searching. They are gonna make mistakes and their peers are gonna point it out proudly causing them to go back to the drawing board. This is a good thing. 


The human mind stays healthy when it’s learning and just like we have instincts to do things to keep ourselves alive and to keep our species alive, our mind is no different. Gods or no gods, a mentally healthy person will do what they can to stay alive and to enjoy life because of instinct.


I’m not saying that it’s this way for everyone. Some folks need more than just instinct for various reasons. Saying it’s low IQ or mental illness is not realistic, it’s really a variety, just like anything. Besides our intelligence and mental state, there’s also the environment we were raised in and are currently living in.  

Personally, I’m not looking to disprove deities.


When I left Christianity I still believed in the supernatural and the possibility of gods and goddesses. The “there’s only one god” thing didn’t really make any sense anymore. I won’t say there are no gods cause you can’t prove something invisible isn’t there. I just don’t believe there are any gods. However, if there ever happened to be proof of a god or gods I would believe, but, I would not worship it or them.


Btw, as a Christian of 38 years, I never saw so clearly how arrogant American Christians are until I left that way of thinking. Well, not all of them are arrogant, but a lot are. And yes, I was too. Thinking that your religion is the correct religion and all other religions are incorrect, and that your god is the only god and all other gods are not only false gods but are demonic in nature, and to add insult to injury by preaching that anyone who doesn’t believe in your religion and obeys its rules and “loves” it’s one god will go to hell and burn for eternity, well, that is some solid arrogance.


Truth, in some ways, is relative. There are folks who want to pin it down, make it black and white. But life isn’t that way. In some ways that could be considered easier and I’m sure that’s why some folks want it to be that way. Others want it that way because they can use it to control people.


In most cases, besides one’s own conscience, a person’s family and their community decide what is right and what is wrong, what is and what isn’t.


Everyone is wrong at many points in their life. We often learn better by mistakes. It’s when we keep repeating those mistakes that there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. But making a mistake isn’t a call to stop believing in oneself, it’s a call to learn, adjust, and move forward. If it’s a repetitive mistake, well, that’s a sign one may need outside help. Whether it be family, a sibling, a friend, a therapist, a doctor, a spiritual leader, a trusted community member, a hotline, AAA meetings, and so on, whatever it be, it’s important to get help overcoming the obstacles you can’t seem to conquer.


There are things to me that I can never accept. I know in the back of my head that in some cultures they are accepted, but because I know they cause human suffering, I can not, nor will I ever accept them.


#2: Because it still requires faith somewhere


About the “belittling of faith”, I find it distasteful when people do this. However, I understand that in some settings, like in settings where there are no people that would have their feelings hurt, making jokes about faith can help some people let loose and release some of the pinned up tension they’ve been holding inside. This can also include lots of other things besides faith, like anything causing mental tension.


There are some atheists that are founded on faith, but for most of the atheist I know, this is not the case. I’ve seen too many reasons not to believe in Christianity, so if I were to find a reason to believe in deities, the Christian god wouldn’t be one of them. Still, I haven’t found any reason to believe in any god type being. And as I said before, if I did find a reason, if I did find undeniable proof, I would believe but I wouldn’t worship it. Many of the atheists I know feel the same way or at least part of the same way. A more scientific outlook kind of way. We aren’t actually believing there is not an Easter Bunny that lays eggs by faith, just like we aren’t believing there isn’t an all powerful, all seeing, … god by faith. Faith isn’t applicable. 


#3: Because it often poses questions that it doesn’t seem to want to answer


I agree with some of what you said. Some atheists are philosophical and enjoy the questioning and not necessarily the answers.  I’ve seen that with some humans in general, not just atheists.


And I also agree about being able to question. When I was religious, we could question to a point. However, if someone kept at it they were rebuked and shut down. At the time it seemed fair because they were quite annoying. But now that it’s been years and I can ponder this as an outsider, I realize the reason they wouldn’t quit was that they didn’t receive a good answer, and that’s all they wanted. I’ve also met folks both atheist and pagan who in the past were told to leave their Christian church because they had taboo questions. One of them was a child at the time. Their questions were genuine and even now I could easily answer from a Christian perspective, but their pastor/Sunday school teacher felt threatened.


I do understand that some people ask questions in a circle, as in circular reasoning. No matter what belief or non-belief, that’s annoying and not worth engaging in.


Most atheist I know have studied and researched before making any decision to believe or not believe. When I come across one that hasn’t and is outspoken I kinda cringe cause it’s very obvious and it isn’t pretty.


About Epicurus creed, I get it, it makes sense to me. I don’t blame god for all the people starving in third world nations, for the mother trying to suckle their babies but they have no milk so they watch their infants die in their arms. I don’t blame god for taking my dad’s life in such a horribly painful way, I don’t blame god for the suicide bombings and school shootings taking loved ones away from each other. I don’t blame god for the carnage done to women and children around the world. I don’t blame god because I don’t believe there is a god. I wouldn’t blame a fairy tale character or a mythological Titan, and to me, the modern gods are no different.  However, since most people in the world believe in deities, I have to face the issue of god, or no god, and if there is a god then what kind of god.  And that is why Epicurus creed is so relevant.

I’ll repost it from Matt’s blog. Here it is;


Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?

Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?

Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?

Then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?

Then why call him God?


#5: Because it’s inconsistent with our beliefs about everything else


Good point! Maybe it was Michelangelo, or maybe Steve Jobs.

But really, just because we don’t know how or what or who set everything into motion doesn’t mean the things our ancestors made up out of a lack of information and out of superstition is true. While it may seem obvious to some that a male god created everything, it’s obvious to others that were part of a computer program, thus making the programmers the creators or gods. There are many other ideas out there. You can pick one if you want to, but not picking one shouldn’t be looked down on and condemning those who don’t pick your belief of choice isn’t cool and in my opinion, it’s unethical. Personally, while some ideas may seem fun, I’m not convinced of any of them. And not knowing is okay. I enjoy learning and bettering myself and being an inspiration for others. If I have it all figured out, or at least pretend to, I won’t be able to learn, so that’s not happenin.

Btw, for those who don’t know, here’s the definition of the anthropic principle according to Merriam Webster online dictionary.

: either of two principles in cosmology:

a : conditions that are observed in the universe must allow the observer to exist — called also weak anthropic principle

b : the universe must have properties that make inevitable the existence of intelligent life —called also strong anthropic principle


#6: Because it’s usually birthed in a bad religious experience


Again, I agree, well, at least in the US.


I’ve noticed three types of Atheists, though I’m sure there’s many more, on this subject, this is what I’ve noticed thus far.


One is the people born into it or may have had religious parents but were not indoctrinated and had a decent past. They are usually pretty level headed and content. Which makes sense because they haven’t lost their community and loved ones because of making the drastic choice of not following the religion they were born into.
The people born into it that had rocky and difficult upbringings are like anyone in their shoes, some get bitter, some turn to religion, some use it to make them a better person, and so on.  


Two is the people who were hurt and are reactive. They’re like little balls of fire ready to explode at any time anywhere. Or if they aren’t the type to explode then they may be easily offended, run, or some other extreme reaction. Often these are the folks who “blame God” or “hate God.” They haven’t healed. A lot of them return to their previous religion.


Three, these types have taken their time and didn’t give up their religious notions easily. They studied and researched. Most of these folks can engage in conversation with a spiritual person respectfully and are often open not just to share their experiences and ideas, but also to listen and learn from others. Not that they don’t get exasperated by hearing the same arguments from people who seem to think it’s the first time they’ve heard it. But really most people would be annoyed by that.


Some of the folks in the third category cross between two and three because of the way they have been treated by religious folks. They started off nice and understanding and open to learning, but being barraged with circular reasoning, extreme cognitive dissonance, proud ignorance, and bullies has caused them to put up a shield and for some to become offensive.


#7: Because of my personal experience


While I again agree for the most part, naturally there are exceptions.

I, for one, worked to keep myself from ascribing to a belief system or even non-belief as a reaction to my own personal experience. I won’t say I’ve been perfect with it, but it’s something I check from time to time. I believe part of this may be part of my personality, but I also believe it’s from that time in my life when I was thirty-eight and had a giant rude awakening. I didn’t just wake up to the realization that I was in a cult, I also work up to basically my whole life and that I was lied to about almost everything I was taught. Once I was ready to start rebuilding my life I decided I wanted to have a foundation of truth even if the truth was unpleasant. This is why I didn’t jump at the opportunity to become an atheist. It was several years before I realized that I no longer believed deities existed. I do my best to take a scientific stance, and science is an ever learning field.


No one can claim that something they can’t see, feel or touch doesn’t exist. They can personally not believe in it, but they can’t disprove it. That’s why the burden of proof is on the claimer/believer. If someone told me that there are invisible, untouchable, flying unicorn horses shooting rainbows out their butts, I can choose to believe or not believe. However, if I don’t believe, it’s not my job to prove such creatures don’t actually exist. That job would belong to the claimer. It’s really quite simple.


I was a firm believer and dedicated to the Lord Jesus Christ for the first 38 years of my life. I was immersed in the Bible and I took my “relationship” with Jesus very seriously. Over the years I too witnessed and had miracles, saw people hear from the Lord speak from a prophet, pastor and lay people, and be point-on. I’ve felt the presence of the Holy Ghost and so on. For all those years besides all the indoctrination, I also had a solid background of things that added up in my mind. What I was lacking was an education. I’m not saying religious folks aren’t educated, but I was one that wasn’t. I was taught that a person who is truly saved doesn’t get depressed and that meds for mental issues like depression open one’s mind up to demonic oppression and possibly possession. I was taught that psychologist, psychiatrists, therapist, and counselors, including Christian ones, were bad. That people who went to college were in danger of being fooled and believing lies and losing their soul. Not that we didn’t know folks who were educated and active Christians, they were exceptions I guess. So, although I studied and researched back then because my material was influenced by the religious community, I was quite ignorant.


I believe that my parents were afraid that if I pursued a college education I would get smart and start seeing the lies they and others had been feeding me. I believe this is a common fear in many religious communities. Even back then I would have found it silly. Personally, I wasn’t afraid of going to college. If something is solidly true, why the fear?


I learned over the years little by little that the things I saw as miracles and words from the Lord were basically the same as a magic show, slight of hand, a trick of the eye, and psychological games. For all those amazing testimonies of healing I heard from others, I have to admit my gullibility which many people just won’t do. Those folks were likely lying or misinformed. By misinformed, I mean that when we don’t have an answer for how something happened we tend to label it a miracle when in fact there likely is a scientific reason we just don’t know about. For folks who say they saw this miracle and that miracle and there was no way it was caused by any outside force other than god, I’d like to remind you of your modern appliances and home equipment. For instance your TV and computer. If you walk outside you will not see a big projector shining into your window causing the image to appear on your screen. We know it’s not a miracle because we grew up being told what it really was whether we remember and whether we understand it or not, we just know it’s a science thing that’s true. Many things people see as miracles and supernatural, from a person trained in that field, there is a logical explanation. But when you really want to believe it’s a miracle or that you’re hearing from the Lord, it’s easy to dismiss the science behind it and ignore it even when it’s presented to you.  I’ve personally seen people get angry over this. Our desires are strong and we guard them often ferociously and often subconsciously. Hearing from god, prophets and so on was a big one for me. My ex-cult leader was considered a prophet. I saw him tell folks about themselves that he never met before and knew nothing about. It was amazing and exciting to see the Lord at work. Now I understand that there are people that are very good at reading people. The little things like a slight expression change and body stance add up and all mean something to a person who notices it and comprehends what it means. I do believe there are people who are inclined to have this ability more naturally that don’t realize they have it. In that case, I can understand why they think they are hearing from a god or spirit. There’s also a lot of liars. I know I keep saying this, but, it’s true. People fib… often, they even lie to themselves. Many, over time, end up believing their own lies. It’s a psychological thing. This is a major plus for religion.


So, yeah, I held on to beliefs for as long as I could but one by one I learned the truth behind the illusions wither I liked it or not. Sure, there are still many things I don’t know about or understand, and that’s actually pretty cool cause that means I get to keep learning and discovering. I’m also okay with being wrong. Once I learn I am wrong about something it gives me a better opportunity to learn more truth.  

Back to psychology, many so-called miracles can be explained by how our brain works and thinks. While it may be disappointing to some when a miracle bubble is burst, I think learning how our brains work is just as fascinating. This explains why people all over the world with very different beliefs experience the same exact miracles, healings, words from the supernatural, that amazing feeling, and so on. It’s not because all beliefs are correct, that wouldn’t actually work for quite a few of them, but it does add up when you start learning how amazing our very own brain actually is and how what we know is small compared to the knowledge that has been gathered by humans and that is small compared to what we will learn in the future. Life is still very exciting without the aid of deities.


As far as folks getting “saved” often, I keep telling people that it’s in style to be a Christian in the US at this time. Actually, if one is an atheist or Muslim, they are often looked down on. They may even lose their job and friends or can’t make friends because of it. It certainly is quite difficult to get elected if you don’t claim to be a Christian. I really can’t blame people for lying about being a Christian just to get voted for in politics and other national and local voting things. I don’t think I could lie about it, I don’t think it’s necessarily right, but I understand it.  There are some places in the US where this doesn’t apply. But as a whole, Christianity at this time in history is being used to dominate and even bully its way not just into everything, but into being in charge and having the last say in everything. It seems like every reality show I watch on TV, like the news and reality shows and so on, someone brings up being a Christian and how important their faith in Jesus is. Their words are always met by the loudest applause of the night and often met with praise later on in some way. It’s one thing to be proud of your beliefs, but it’s another to push them on to others.  


About Matt’s ending remarks.

I appreciate this invitation to share beliefs and reasonings in a respectful manner. Although I am an atheist, being a science-based atheist I know that I don’t and will never know everything. Just because someone may be a Christian or Muslim, Hindu or Pagan, Mormon or Satanist, etcetera, doesn’t mean they do not have an intelligent brain and that they have nothing to bring to the table. Being divided is a great way to halt progress. I’m pro progress and I believe in coexisting. I will ask you to please understand that those who have been hurt by religion need time to heal at their own pace and coexisting may sound horrible to them. That’s is perfectly understandable. Laying judgmental thoughts aside and giving people room is important. Like Matt said, “We’re all people on a journey trying to discover the truth in our own lives.”

define atheist

Written on 6/30/18 & 7/4/18.

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So, a friend posted this picture and it triggered a recent memory.

First off, here’s the pic;

friend hording

Now the memory!

I was gonna write what I was gonna write in the “about” area of the pic when sharing it on Facebook, but, I’m pretty sure I know what would likely have happened and I wanted to avoid it. So I didn’t share the pic and my thoughts on Facebook after all. Yet.

While there may be a few folks who read what I have to say, there would likely have been more that responded in the comments area telling me how much they care about me.  And, maybe one person telling me to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myself.

In other words, my reason for sharing would be mostly unnoticed, and “sorry for me ” notions or “stop feeling sorry for yourself” notions would just be annoying.

But I still wanted to write about what I was thinkin about. And that brings us to the here and now and this blog.

I wanna talk about hoarding. Just give me a moment and you’ll see how this applies. In my head anyway.

The TV shows about hoarders are fascinating to me for various reasons. Things like that also make me investigate myself. “Am I a hoarder?” Can I even spell hoarder without spellcheck? Um, well, there was the issue of forgetting the “a” in that word. lol

hoarding meaning

There are the obvious things like the stacks of papers I keep meaning to go through and sort and file and put away or throw out. Stuff that never seems to get done and keeps piling up. Some may consider me a bit of a book hoarder. I don’t. And there are the things I went without most of my life that I’ve collected even though I didn’t need to. I’ve challenged myself over the years as I come to realize that I have an unnecessary attachment. Dehoarding your life not only takes time due to getting your mind in a state that you can deal with it and make the necessary changes, it also takes time because you may not realize you’re hoarding this or that.


Hoarding usually stems from fear. And that’s what shone a light on some hoarding I have been doing for a long time. It’s people. I’ve been hoarding people. Not physically, but mentally and cyberlly. (I made the word cyberlly up. YW)

Growing up my family moved often which made keeping friends difficult. Some of them I’d stay in touch by exchanging letters. But after a while, even those disappeared into the mist of time and were gone. The depression that comes with losing one’s friends on a regular basis was most obvious in my sister. She’s three years older than me and back then she was the people person, I wasn’t. So it didn’t appear to take a toll on me, but deep inside it kept secretly adding up. Not just a secret to others, but also to myself.

Then there was San Diego. The last port we lived on the sailboat in. This time it wasn’t us moving away, it was partly our friends because most of them were in the military. We’d get close, like family, even when they were overseas, but when they went home the friendship usually died. To add insult to injury, my mom didn’t listen and obey the pastor of the church we were attending that all our friends were in. Not listening and not obeying can be both a good or a bad thing. In the case of my mom, it was mixed. We ended up getting kicked out of the church and ostracized. Talk about painful, this was heart-wrenching for all of us.

A similar thing happened with the next church, only we didn’t get kicked out. Again, all our friends were in the same church, the pastor had controlling issues, my mom not only wouldn’t obey him, she actually left and started learning from someone else. How dare she! Our family left along with her gradually. Again, we lost all our friends due to this. The pastor would let everyone know that we or anyone else, who left his church had backslidden and were living in sin.

While I call those two churches borderline cults, the next one we because a part of was a bonified fully fledged cult. Anyone who didn’t eventually join the “church” also lost friendship with us. I didn’t see it that way. I never wanted to lose friends and I did what I could to keep them but I was uneducated in so many ways, I had no idea of what I was doing. So, the cult kept me from making any real friends outside of the group. I did try, but the leadership always found a way to”fix” that.

And then there’s the post-cult effect. At first, I lost all my friends, again. Partly because they were being fed a load of crap about me and pulled away and partly because it wasn’t just the cult leader who duped me, it was also several of the members. So, I didn’t trust any of them.

I made some fair-weather friends during that time. There were some good folks, and, well, some not so good folks.

And this brings me to the beginning of my people hoarding.

It started with Myspace. I could actually make friends and keep them through Myspace. Then Facebook came into play. And that’s where the serious hoarding became a thing. I found some old friends and I made new friends and I was able to keep most of them through social media. It was awesome!!!

people in a world map

But then there was the heart ripping painful times. When people would remove me from their friend’s list. I knew it shouldn’t hurt me like that, after all, it was usually people I only met once or not at all and a few I had known but were not really good friends in the first place. Still, I couldn’t stand losing anyone. Losing a social media “friend” was like being virtually stabbed in the heard. I knew this wasn’t realistic, but I didn’t know how to make those feelings go away.

There were even times I believe I came a bit too close to stocking. I didn’t do anything illegal, but I would do what I could online, which wasn’t much, to learn about this person or that guy, wishing I could meet them in person or at least not lose them as an online friend. I definitely got too attached to people I barely knew wither I met them in person or not.

Time has taken me further and further from that behavior that was actually harmful to myself. The obsessing and the people collecting has faded over the years.

steampunk timepiece

It’s been recent that I realized I really didn’t care all that much if people who didn’t see a reason to be my social media friend removed me from their friend’s list. Sure, there’s been a few that I was a tad hurt by, but I got over it. The ol’ “they don’t deserve you” attitude only worked for, well, no seconds, lol. But now while I may entertain that notion for a bit, I understand that I don’t need everyone, and everyone doesn’t need me. I have a few good friends I can count on. Wither they are near me or far away, I value them.


I’m actually okay and sometimes even glad when I don’t connect on social media with everyone I come across. Sure, I enjoy making new friends but it’s not a point of great disappointment and sorrow when I don’t. And for the record, I don’t have any plans to remove anyone from my friend’s list. While there may be a lot, and I believe I haven’t met most of them in person, I still appreciate the connection and community and the different ways of thinking and living. I can still be connected without being obsessive about it by letting fear guide me.

Another train of thought I’ve had to adjust is the notion that people who remove me from their friend’s list or don’t want to add me are being small minded. That they don’t see the big picture and they don’t know that there may come a day they wished they hadn’t turned down my friendship. Why, that’s not at all arrogant. lol! Okay, it was. But I thought it wasn’t cause I felt the same way about them, I may someday need them. While bridge burners may be way out of balance, I overdid it and was way out of balance the opposite direction.

Whatever it be, I am who I am and the way I think is mine. I shouldn’t expect others to think like I do and act and respond the way I do. We’re all different with different strengths and weaknesses and characteristics and ways of thinking. I don’t like it when others project their ideas on others or myself, so I shouldn’t do it either.

Hoarding is so much more than collecting and even more than just fear. It can be complicated and intertwined and tangled with other issues. Like straightening anything out, prodding and pulling and agitating only makes it worse. Changing without understanding the root cause doesn’t usually last. In order to up weed our fears, we need to understand where they came from and what’s been feeding them. And it’s there that we can begin our healing journey.

tangled brain

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Like A Book And It’s Cover

What lies beneath the surface

Is what they say really matters

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover

We’re taught this since forever

True beauty is on the inside

Your looks are only skin deep

Even the bible says

don’t be whitewashed sepulchre

Yet here we are insisting

That your physical appearance

Define your sexuality and gender

When in reality it’s the chemicals

That tell us who we are

But since they’re on the inside

It’s the books cover we must abide by

No matter that it’s a double standard

If their ideas of anatomy fall through

They can take up the cloak of religion

Ignoring that which is actually true

Truth is that it’s not about you

It’s about them and how you make them appear

They spend so much time

Decorating their own gravestone

How dare you not do the same

In their day there was more respect

In their day there wasn’t as many of this and that

In their day you kept things inside

Bottle up and out of sight

In their day things were better

How dare you try to change

The security blankets of their day

There’s so many “how dare you’s”

I’ll just stop here and change them to

“Go ahead and’s”, because

It’s not their day anymore

It’s our day now, so boldly stand up and say

Here’s my true colors

I can live happy and free

I can be depressed and take meds

Without caring how you look at me

I can say out loud that I’m gay, straight, bi, pan, trans, queer

Metro, poly, open, lesbian, fluid, ally, cis, hermaphrodite, or asexual

I can insist I be treated like a human being

And that my rights are respected

I can dress the way I want

Hold hands with who I want

Buy from whatever store I want

Without discrimination

I can get married just like any other

Wither we’re the same sex or not

I can get justices from bullies and abusers

Just like those who are already

Accepted in society

I can be friends with who I want

What matters isn’t their gender or

Sexual so-called preference

What matters is what’s inside

Like a book and it’s cover


I wish you the best on this June 2018 PRIDE month. May you own who you are, and accept people for who they are. 


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My thoughts and memories after watching the video about the Islamic ‘Feminist’ Cult.

I’m having trouble attaching the video link on here. For now you can click on one of the links bellow and you should be taken to the video by either one. Also, I had trouble with the formatting. I’ll try to remember to go back in and see if i can fix things later. 
Islamic Feminist Cult interview by Broadly

This is a snap shot, not the actual video. The link to the video is bellow.

Watching the ladies sit there and defend their state of being with a sound of convinced authority that is well rehearsed gave me a sickie feeling. The same with watching them move to the music on cue. I couldn’t quite put a finger on it at the time, so I just chalked it off to how strange it all was…
Until now.
While the cult I was in, for me, wasn’t glamorous. There was no makeup allowed, no pants for woman, those who had money were given church positions and allowed to teach from time to time. Those who didn’t, like me, were expected to take care of everyone else along with tithing and offerings regardless of how it affect the kids and myself. Still, there was something familiar after all.

I remember defending my “church” with the same authoritative conviction. Back then I wouldn’t have agreed that it was rehearsed, but in a way it was. I spent hours, days and weeks in church and Bible study having the prophets teachings drilled into me over and over. Than, I would go over them in my own head and fit the lessons into place like a puzzle securing the cognitive dissonance with a thicker and thicker bubble membrane. So, when challenged, I mean asked, I had it all down pat. I could defend my faith with the same intensity and conviction as that one lady who did the most talking. It felt good, it made me feel strong, and even invincible in a way. No matter how much I was taken advantage of, or how much I was put in my place in front of everyone, or how much it was a struggle to take care of my kids because the leader was sucking the finances out of us, it was those moment that refueled me and made me feel like it was all worth it, that God was working through me, and that was my life’s desire.


Then there’s the odd “dancing” to the music. What was so familiar about that? Oh, yeah, we looked way more genuine. Lol! Raising our hands, swaying, closing our eyes, singing and calling out our praises to Jesus and speaking in tongues. I never really did the mad dancing and running around the church like my hair was on fire stuff. But I was happy for most of the folks who did. The ones I wasn’t happy for were the ones faking it. Oh my goodness, if that isn’t judgmental…
I remember this one young lady who, like the rest of us, was being pressured into being filled with the Holy Ghost. One night at a church service she went forward to be “blessed” and ended up braking out into a dance while having hands laid on her.
For those who are not failure with this, it’s where the preacher or evangelist or prophet, apostle, elder, pastor, and so on… would put his hands on a persons head and loudly pray over them for various things like being filled with the Holy Ghost, being delivered from this and that, and so on and on. It gets very intense and usually the person being prayed over gets a jolt of “electricity,” hollers out, maybe spins around, and goes to dancin “in the holy ghost while the congregation applauds and yells things and stomps to the off beat of the super loud rythm and hittin the tambourine to the music. Some of the congregation will get the jolt of electricity feeling and either run out to the isle and start dancing or running or they start jerking back and forth threatening the structure of the pew.
So, back to that young lady who started dancin. Later, when we were no longer in the church building and it was just our small group our leader, aka prophet, aka Elder, let into her about fakin it.
Man, I just have to shake my head and pause when I think about this. Not everyone who gets “touched by the holy spirit” is faking, there is this thing called group mentality and a lot of people can be effected by it. Not that it’s actually a spiritual being effecting them, but rather a state of mind. But for those who aren’t affected, well, some feel judged or left out or like they won’t be admired and respected. Thus the faking, and there is a lot of that going on too.
I don’t just feel annoyed by the way that young lady was called out for faking because it’s common to fake it, or just because the person who called her out was using the opportunity to use the incident as a means to dig his claws deeper into our heads, but because letting it all out, wither it’s dancing, running like a crazy person, hollerin out words that are understandable and not understandable is a much better way to get the stress of life out than doing harm. Judging people and calling them out for faking it or doing it wrong, is not okay. Also, I just gotta add, falling on the ground, aka slayn in the spirit, in a place that is well trafficked is just plain stupid. If it really was a good god spirit that was “blessing” you, it wouldn’t lay you out where someone dancing in stilettos might put your eye out, for cryin out loud. So if you’re gonna get touched by the spirit, be it faked or group mentality, as in you might think it’s really the ghost of god, then please proceed with enough of your brain to keep you and others, and the pew, safe from harms way. Thank you.
Back to the trance like dancing while sitting ladies in the video. I remember that sometimes I felt very uncomfortable with what was happening around me. Still, I maintained the “blessed by god” appearance. While singing most of the church songs was fun, raising my hands and really trying to concentrate the Lord Jesus Christ wasn’t. My arms would hurt like crazy, my mind would wander and I would feel so bad about that. It was basically torture. I wanted to please the Lord, but often found myself mentally beating myself up instead. I was sincere, which was the problem. I can understand why those ladies sit there and have poker faces that turn to fake looking smiles as they “dance.” I understand the desire for it all to be real and the mental torture when I fell short. I may not have looked like a Stepford wife, but my mind was trapped just as much as theirs likely is.
Just because they appear to live in affluence doesn’t mean they are happy. To me, they didn’t look genuine. But then again they are from another culture so tale tale signs may be different than what I’m used to. If they really are genuinely happy then that’s wonderful. I doubt it, but I’m okay being wrong.
stepford wives series pic


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The Youtube channel called Only Human posted this lovely video about an amazing artist. The video is titled Child Prodigy is a Self-Made Millionaire from Selling Her Incredible Paintings SuperHuman: Geniuses.
I added my thoughts about it under the video.  



My thoughts on this story. 

First I’d like to say that I enjoyed watching this video. Though I may have a different perspective on some things, this young lady is exceptional and her art work is enchanting. Though I can’t know for sure, it appears that though her family is benefiting from her talent, they don’t appear to be taking advantage of her. They all work for her and are doing a grand job. It’s seems that they are quite the team. I hope I am right in saying that she is fortunate to have them.

I really like what her mother said about her schooling and about education for children in general. Personally I found it easier to learn challenging things once I understood what those things were for and why I needed them. Other wise I either failed or did poorly on the tests and when I did well it was from short term memory unlike the subjects I liked and or understood their value in my regard.

I’m not actually a home school advocate, I believe it can be helpful in certain cases at certain times, and other times quite the opposite. But public school and parochial school also have their issues so I believe the same about them.

I also thought her mother had a good point about what other children are doing with their time.

Regarding “god” directing her, if there are gods well than there ya go, they are helping her. And I wouldn’t want to take that from her, not that I could, but I am happy for her success and happiness regardless.  However, it would be nice if the god or gods would do the same for children who are starving to death in countries that oppress them. Not with art, but with guidance on how to fix the situation for themselves and the rest of the starving and oppressed in the world. While some may say that’s impossible, well, so is a four year old doing the kind of art this young lady was doing at that age.

I believe the god she hears is a part of her subconscious. She is obviously gifted and likely is gifted in more areas than just art. It’s possible she has very keen perception and an extraordinary memory. It makes sense. After all, for artists who paint life with such detail making their art look alive takes perception and memory.

The reason I bring up memory is because her dad said they didn’t read the Bible so they were surprised she knew the spiritual things she claimed god was telling her. (I did not quote him word for word.) It would not be surprising if she was around other people who talked about such things wither it was to her or just near her. Just because her parents weren’t interested doesn’t mean her young self wasn’t either. Maybe conscious or subconscious or both, add that to a gifted memory and you have yourself a spiritual prodigy.

Like many people, when one finds themselves surprisingly talented at something, it’s common to attribute the ability to a deity and not to psychology and ones own ability as it is. I think most folks don’t understand the amazing things the human brain is capable of. Like prophets and fortune tellers, some are quite accurate and even many of them believe it’s a spiritual gift. They don’t understand the psychology behind their own ability. Most likely they have been paying attention while others are not. They see the little things, even small facial expressions and body movements that other people don’t pick up on. They likely hear the things others hear as filler words and don’t pay attention to. They may even think everyone else is like them, so knowing things about people that others don’t is amazing to them as well because they don’t understand their own brain. They give the glory/credit to god, gods, the goddess, spiritual beings, spirit guides, ancestors, and so on. They don’t believe they are capable of doing amazing things on their own, they sell themselves short and their fans support the misconception. Of course there are those who know these things but claiming them to be spiritual is more lucrative and or better for getting attention. And there are those who are just frauds and rely on other people and equipment and act like it’s a natural gift. There’s still some talent there too, just a different kind. I respect the ones that know why they know what they know and don’t hold back that piece of information while still using their talent to make money and help people.

If you think I’m just grasping at straws, well, believing her gift comes from an invisible man whispering in her ear, well, that’s right up there with the fun stories we call Greek mythology, Sci-fi, fairy tales, Santa and the Easter Bunny and so on. Unless you believe in those too. If that’s the case, okay, have fun with that!


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