Archive for the ‘blogging’ Category

If you’ve read my blog you already know I’ve had to deal with chronic sleep paralysis for a large portion of my life. For those who haven’t I’ll give you a brief history.


It started when I was under the age of nine. I don’t actually know how young I was but I was old enough to remember it. Of course it was traumatic so it’s no wonder I remember. That first episode took place while we still lived in the house in Orange County. I don’t recall having any more episodes there but it’s possible I forgot. I do remember them being what I call chronic sometime after moving on the boat.

My dad said he had them as a child as well along with vivid nightmares that he sometimes would end up sleepwalking with. So, I’m not sure it was actually sleep paralysis for him or not. But I do know sleep paralysis can lead to very vivid nightmares. I was also a sleep walker but that was not attached to the sleep paralysis episodes for me.

Through out my teens I had the most episodes of sleep paralysis. My mother discovered that it often happened after she and my sister had a fight, which was often. So she suggested the two of them make up before going to sleep so I wouldn’t have the “attack”. And when I say attack, I mean “demonic attack” because that is what she believed it was. She thought that because I was being targeted because I was the youngest and most vulnerable.


So, most my life I dealt with sleep paralysis as though it were demonic attacks. And as you’ve likely figured out already, that idea makes them so much worse.


For those who don’t know what sleep paralysis is, I’ll explain real quick. It’s when the chemical in you body that causes you to not act out your dreams doesn’t recede in time so you wake while it’s still present which means you are temporarily paralyzed until it finished receding. The best way I know of to handle it is to relax and let it finish receding. It’s a time you can use to just chill or even play with it. While in that state you can also lucid dream. Since you are still in a dream like state you can fly, jump high, and do whatever amazing thing you like cause there are no laws of gravity and so on to stop you. Fighting it wears you out, it’s better to relax.

When you’ve had years and years of dealing with it as demonic oppression it takes more than a notion to just relax and enjoy the ride. I’ve had to have talks with myself and help myself get out of the nightmare and not fight and take it easy and maybe have some fun.

By the way, I didn’t know the science behind it till a few years ago. Although I stopped believing it was demonic attacks, I really had no idea what was happening so it was still pretty scary.


As a Christian who believed in demons and believed it was demonic attacks , naturally I dealt with it from a “spiritual” aspect. I used my beliefs in Jesus to “overcome” it. Although I was harmfully misinformed I did learn a great deal from these terrifying episodes. Some of the lessons were actually very helpful in real life. But, like I mentioned before, I’ve written about this before and this blog is about my latest experience.

In my twenties and thirties I rarely had sleep paralysis but I did experience it from time to time. After leaving Christianity I still automatically reverted to my religious way of dealing with it. It was a life time habit. Those things don’t just go away. When I have several not far apart from each other I stop dealing with them religiously and do what I know is better and  more effective. I don’t really enjoy it most of the time though. There’s been some exceptions. When I don’t have it for long periods of time I revert to my default settings of fighting it with religious ideas. However, my brain always has a conversation with me about it in the dream state and reminds me that I no longer believe in such myths. It’s actually always quite an interesting conversation I have with myself. Lol! Once I do fully wake up I find it very interesting and entertaining, and I usually learn something new.

Okay! So, here’s my latest sleep paralysis experience.

It happened about three nights ago. I was dreaming about something and in the dream I laid down to rest. While laying there I felt a presence start to lay on top of me, a freaky scary presence. This is a common start to sleep paralysis for many people, btw. Even folks who are not spiritual.


My automated system came online so I called out to Jesus to help me. Then I heard a voice challenge me by reminding me that I didn’t believe in Jesus. I playfully challenged back, “Yeah, but he was a nice guy!” Not that I believe in him, I was having fun challenging the voice back. Of course the voice was my own, and I do challenge myself awake, so it’s no surprise that I would do it in my sleep state as well. Than Satan was brought up. I shrugged and said I didn’t believe in Satan. I than started singing a fun church song. I was challenged about that as well but I ignored the challenge. I decided that as long as it made me feel better it didn’t matter. Singing has always helped me deal with fear. It gives me courage and helps me think things through.

And thinking is exactly what I did. I thought about hypnotism and how people use the “one, two, three, wake up” method to bring people out of it. I wondered if that would work for me. I decided to give it a try and right away started the count. While counting my mind reminded me that one had to be told to do it first in order for it to work. Not that I’m an expert, I’m far from that… Or am I? Lol!  But I was already in the count so I finished it with the “wake up”. When I finished I felt a jolt on my right side by my eye area as if that area had dislodged from the paralysis. I’m not saying it did, just that that’s how it felt.  So, this time I told myself that when I counted to three and said “wake up”I was to wake up. I counted, I said “wake up,” and immediately my eyes opened and I was fully awake.

Yeah, I was actually shocked. But happy. It was just so strange yet cool. The science behind it? Well, I’m sure there is some but I don’t know what it is yet. The brain is so very interesting. It’s possible anything would have worked because maybe the paralysis chemical had already receded. Or, maybe not and there more to it. Even if it did receded already, waking one self from the dream state can still be difficult. Possibly the hypnosis thing worked for that.  I’d love to know! I’m sure there are folks that will still try to attach something spiritual to this. To them I will “smile and wave” and keep learning the real facts instead of the alternative “facts” .


I don’t look forward to trying it again. I don’t look forward to having sleep paralysis period. Though I know one can have fun with it, I have too much baggage, lol. It’s more than just dealing with it, it’s also dealing with my past which makes it tasking. But, I do enjoy the stuff I learn and experience when they are over. It’s really quite interesting.


I thought this pic was funny. And funny thing about it, after mentioning to my daughter that I had a sleep paralysis episode she said it was likely due to the cat sleeping on me. The cat didn’t actually do that, but it’s still funny.


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Blog started Sunday 3/12/17.
There’s a lot of abused folks out there. Even the ones that have healed and are doing fine often still have triggers. PTSD isn’t just a military thing.
Religion is a common cause of stress disorders. While it provides hope for some it causes both mental and physical harm for others. Well meaning people often make the matter worse. They think they are reaching out to people offering them hope, and while this may help some, it actually does the opposite for others
When you “share” how great your god is and all he’s doing for you and those around you with people who have been abused with religion, you are not helping them, you are hurting them. You are pushing the trigger button over and over. Then, you wonder why they are so angry. Anyone who’s “buttons” are pushed over and over and over again will most likely “blow up” or as folks like to use on atheists, become angry.
Normally I’m all about coexisting. I understand there are a lot of folks out there who hold onto their religion for cultural reason and community reasons and many who feel they need it. I’m fine with all that as long as it’s not causing any harm to anyone. However, this evening if religion were a person I would have murdered it.
Blog continued Thursday 3/16/17.
Although I’m over it and back to my version of normal, I haven’t forgotten. I can still feel the frustration. I’m just not angry right now. But the issue is still an issue.
Although I suspected the kids and I likely have PTSD, I never really faced the issue. That is until Levis psychiatrist let me know, with out me ever mentioning it to him, that the kids and I have it. I was surprised at my reaction, after all I should have been prepared for that. But I wasn’t. I think I was actually avoiding it and he made me face it. It didn’t feel good. I even cried. Later I laughed. Talk about a slew of emotions. Even after laughing I wasn’t happy about it, I was frustrated. It just felt so unfair. Not just for me but more so for my kids.
I do know from experience that as difficult as it can be to be diagnosed, it has the great potential of having more benefits than not. Once you understand why you or your family members or friends act and react a certain way you can move on and learn how to work with what you or they have and improve and use the talents that may come with it and help others and get the help you need from services and such. The big benefit is understanding why you do, feel, and think the way you do. Understanding yourself really makes a big difference in healing and improving.
So, this Sunday the acknowledgement of the PTSD did help me understand my emotional reaction to the previous days. From Friday all the way through Sunday I was affected by other peoples religion. One was a friends Catholicism and the other was my moms United Pentecostal type way of being.  Neither of them meant me any harm and I love both people. One was just trying to please her parents by being where they wanted her to be cause they were out of town. Going to mass and or church can be more superstitious than going because you need encouragement, community and wisdom.
As far as my mom, she attempted to leave me texts about what god was doing through her. I may be wrong, but I felt intent, not just sharing and conversing. Like maybe she read or saw something I posted and wanted to try to “fix” me. I had posted a few atheist meme’s on my Facebook wall, so that could be it.  When she learned that only one of her text went through she decided to just tell me all about it on a phone call. It was a very long dialog about how god was using her and speaking through her and answering her prayers. The result? Hallelujah! I’m now magically “saved.” Thank you Jesus! I now know, again, that everyone else in the world that believes and has the any “evidence” and hope and “proof” and all from their god(s) is wrong. Us European type people are the only right people on earth. Our religion is correct and every one else is wrong. Our god is superior and everyone else is a myth. Yep, it doesn’t matter that everything in the Bible was taken from different religions, nope, it’s all true cause a bunch of white men said they were empowered by the holy ghost and so it’s true even when it’s proven not to be. So, praise the Lort! I’m just gonna throw common sense and being awake and aware out the window and trade it in for the shackles and nonsensical rules and regulations of a god who can do anything and every thing and knows all but won’t feed the masses of starving people, not even the starving babies in their mothers arms who are so malnourished their bodies can’t produce any milk. Now there’s a good idea! I mean, after all, it’s clear in Genesis that we are not supposed to know  “the knowledge of good and evil”, cause if we did we would realize that man made gods, not the other way around.
Let me set this straight, in case you are getting my drift incorrectly. I Was Not Mad At God. I can’t be made at him/her/them. Why? Because I don’t believe him/she/they exist. Who was I mad at? People and their superstitions! And the poisonous ideas they shove down your throat, nose, ears and even up your butt, thinking they are helping you.
Folks, it’s not helping, it’s hurting. You hurt people with your religion and then you wonder why they are angry when you are responsible for triggering them. But no, it can’t be your fault, you were just sharing the love of Jesus. It’s got to be them, if they only would listen and give their lives over to your god then they would be set free from the things oppressing them. Dude! Stop, you are the one oppressing them. You want to help them? Than stop with the religious vomit!
I want people to heal too. I want them to recover and lose their “buttons” over time.  I am aware that pushing their buttons over and over doesn’t make the buttons go away, it makes them worse and adds to them. Maybe there are some exceptions, but the majority of people will not get better this way. Become aware of the fact that a person may have been religiously abused and back off with trying to feed them your beliefs. You can be friends with people with PTSD. You can love them and you can help them. I am not writing this blog about how to help them at this time, I’m just writing to wake folks up to the possibility that their religious “help” may be doing more harm than good.  There are a lot of good online articles out there about how to help people without using religion.
So, back to last weekend. By Sunday night I was angry. I get frustrated and depressed at times, but anger isn’t something I usually feel for prolonged periods of time. So I was curious about myself and why I felt so angry. I realized it was a PTSD reaction, that my buttons had been repeatedly pushed, the PTSD had been triggered. So I let myself let it out. Not on anyone, but alone, in my car. I had a good couple hollers while driving. No one could hear me so no police were called, lol! I just had to release some tension. I didn’t feel awesome after that, but I do think that’s when I started to recover from it all. The next day I was grateful that I didn’t have to work. I felt like crap till late afternoon. I think the stress of the previous days physically took a toll. But like I mentioned, I felt better as the day progressed. By the evening I felt fine so on Tuesday I was ready and good to go for work.
I know my mom loves me. I also know she gets caught up in her head, we all do at one time or another. I don’t mind hearing an occasional tale of how “god” has done this or that. It brings her happiness and I’m glad for her. But to go on and on and think it’s gonna convert me is just plain annoying and when I’ve already had a tasking couple of days, it’s harmful. My mom isn’t alone in this way of thinking and acting, not by a long shot. Which is why I am writing this, maybe someone will care and understand and make the changes because it not only makes sense, but because it’s love.
I would like to add that how I felt doesn’t describe how others with PTSD may feel. How it affects people can differ. Even our own reactions and feelings can be different for different circumstances. And some folks do find comfort in religion and religious ideas. It’s just good to not assume or think cause it helps you or you’re told it does that you should use it to “help” others.  Be careful and don’t assume. This blog barely touches on what PTSD is and what religious induced PTSD is. (Also known as Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS).)It would be kind of you to research and learn more about it. Most likely you have and will have friends, family and associates that have it.
If you or someone you know is suffering from religious trauma or maybe just needs someone nonjudgmental to talk to, here’s a web site to a hot line that has people ready to listen. Just click here-
sparta aaa

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The burning man!

I used to think of two things when I heard those words. One was the movie called The Wicker Man with Nicholas Cage and it’s strange sequel, and the other the giant event that takes place in the desert.


Now I can add another image, myself!

This is the second time I’ve had an ablation procedure. Last time was several years ago while I lived in Spring Field, MO. I had an atrial ablation procedure. They burned 13 areas of my heart. That one I had to be awake and aware for with very little pain killers. They simulated a heart attack over and over again till they found all the areas that needed fixing. Those areas they burned. Music got me through that ordeal. Thankfully, last minute, a nurse informed me I could take my MP3 player in with me. The music helped distract me and keep me calm. Both of which made a huge difference and made the experience not as bad as it sounds. I think without music it would have made for a terrible memory. The worst part of that memory was the medical bill.


So this time, as in last Thursday, I had an endometrial ablation procedure.


I’ve been living just above the line of anemia for quite a while now. During my periods my blood levels have gotten quite low. I’ve had to use a pad and a tampon at the same time and there have been days I used two tampons as well. Often I’ve had issues with the pads and tampons irritating my skin. Then there’s the money it takes to keep the pads and tampons in stalk. Being anemic or on the verge of it all this time explains why I have had low energy, problems with memory, and a craving for raw beef. I have also had a great understanding of how vampires must feel, lol!


Mostly my periods were on a schedule but on occasion they would last for a month or two.  This happened last summer. I got so anemic that my arms ached and I would get random pains in my muscles in random places. Sleeping was difficult because of my arms aching. I still can’t completely understand why I didn’t see a doctor. By the time I did I was already on the mend from that. However, regardless of already being better, my blood test caused my doctors office to call twice, the first time telling me to take an iron supplement and the second time telling me to take two iron supplements. Later when a different doctor checked my blood levels history he was shocked at how low it had been and I wasn’t hospitalized. Not cool on my old physicians part.

I think maybe I didn’t go in earlier cause I was dealing with my youngest sons extreme behavior. He was having bad reactions to being on the wrong meds. It was a very difficult time and I was just trying to get through each day. It’s crazy to think of now, I remember not having energy to even get out of bed but still making myself function. I would just lay down in between everything I did. I’ve pretty much always desired a romantic type relationship but during that time I gave that idea up. I just didn’t have the energy for anything more than just surviving and taking care of my kids. It’s so strange how we can adapt to things we shouldn’t even adapt to. It became normal so I just dealt with it with out taking care of it. I do regret not taking care of myself and seeing a doctor. It was stupid of me. So much worse could have happened.

Although I haven’t had a extended period since than and my periods had gotten on schedule I not only have had the over bleeding problem but I have also been aware that any period could end up one of the extend ones. It was just a matter of time.

I was glad my new doctor was on board with helping me figure this out and fix the situation. He also had me see a OBGYN that is just wonderful. It was the OBGYN that came up with options and we chose what seemed like the best one, endometrial ablation. I didn’t need to be “fixed”, which is what a lot of folks think of when bringing up such a subject. Last year I had an Essure put in which permanently seals off the  fallopian tubes, but doesn’t stop the PMS. I just needed to control or stop the excessive blood flow.  So endometrial ablation seemed like the best option. Basically a device is inserted into the vagina and the lining is burned. Thankfully I got to be put under for the event.

I am not sure if this will fix my being on the edge of anemia all the time or not. The doctor thinks it will. If not than we’ll have to investigate further.

The procedure went well and at this time I’m on the mend and doing my best to take it easy. That meant instructing my youngest that if he was to stay this weekend he had to be on his best behavior and get things for mommy instead of the other way around. He was really good the last weekend he was here but he has been known to do that every so often and not do that in between those times. So I also let him know that if he wasn’t well behaved I’d have his dad come get him. I didn’t include that his dad wouldn’t likely actually do that due to the weather. Kyle arrived a day early due to there being no school Friday. And so far, so good! He even made me breakfast Friday morning.The only issue so far has been a few sibling spats and that both boys think they need to sleep with mommy.


I mostly feel good but I am making myself chill so I don’t set my healing back. I have work to return to and I really can’t afford to not return to it. It is kinda nice to have an excuse not to ferry my kids around all over the place this weekend. And, I’m actually getting some writing done! I do have some cramping feeling which if needed Ibuprofen helps. And I will need to wear a small pad for a while.


I was very happy and surprised that some friends at work helped me get to the hospital and back. Hannah and I had planned to use the metro system. She’s eighteen so she was allowed to be my “person”. But neither of us really liked the idea of using the buss to get there and back.

I’m not superstitious but I do enjoy the different zodiac’s and such. They are fun to identify with and use like one would use their months birthstone. Funny thing about my “element” is that it’s fire.


But don’t think I’m okay with getting burned in general, I am so not okay with that! Lol! Hannah and I were joking around about it last night. I don’t think “burning woman” sounds as cool as “burning man”. It just doesn’t have the right ring to it. Maybe “smoldering woman”. Lol! Or, “Mom on fire,” and than I could dress like Katness.


“The burning times” refers to when people were accused of being witches and burned at the stake. So, I can’t use that one. My burning was to help me, not kill me, or ruin my reputation and take my property.


Although what I’ve been through is on the serious side I do enjoy finding humor in it regardless. Humor get us through so many things.


I would still love to one day go to the Burning Man event. It’s on my bucket list. I would also love try fire breathing someday as well.

Burning Man: Art on Fire




The boys shoveled most of the side walk a moment ago. I didn’t want to get fined for not doing it. It took them a while to get going but I’m glad they did it after all.


Now for some just for fun pics and videos!

the vagina monologues.jpg






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Time changes us in many ways. My view of certain songs has certainly changed as I have. Not always for the better or worse, more like what fits my mentality at the time. And what fits me doesn’t likely fit everyone else.

Over the years there has not only been songs that “spoke” to me, but also songs that just irritated me. When I was young if I liked the melody of one such type of song I just changed the lyrics to fit what I agreed with and liked. I don’t fell like doing that so much now. If the melody is really good I may try to zone out the annoying lyrics, maybe.



For a while now the lyrics to the song Waterfalls by TLC has annoyed me. I just love the melody though. But those lyrics! Sure it’s unwise and sad when youth leave the security of home and chase easy money, pretend love, and destroy their lives. But it’s unnatural for them to stay home hidden in their mothers skirts. Sadly too many poverty struck homes are stuck in a downward spiral and the parents do not encourage their kids to climb out. Instead they try to prepare them for a life of more poverty. It’s the murky river and stagnate lakes they are used to.

I can’t help but think of the kids my mom worked with in Camden, Arkansas. They didn’t want to go to collage and become successful because they didn’t want their families to reject them. They saw it happen, they saw others who had gotten a good education and became successful come home and be treated badly because the family decided that they were “too good” for them and rejected them. They instead chose to stay with the muddy puddles they were used to so they wouldn’t lose their families respect. Don’t go chasing waterfalls was more of an order than anything.

I understand that the song likely means not to chase drugs and criminal activities and such but waterfalls seems so much more than that to me. Maybe it should say, don’t chase a different mud puddle or don’t chase stagnate lakes or snake infested marshes. Waterfalls are pure and fresh and should be considered positive and be pursued. Unless of course you don’t want your children to become their own people. I’ve had that experience, but that’s another subject.

Another reason that song’s lyrics annoys me is likely also because I love seeing and experiencing new things. So to me it’s suggesting I torture myself. Lol! However, I understand that my way of being isn’t for everyone. Actually, it is more common and healthy for the average person to  be a village dweller. So, maybe that song is good for some people. It’s just like scratching a chalk board to me though.



Me Too by Megan Trainer. I actually like this song, well, at least most of it. There is only two lines I don’t like and I find them very irritating.

“What’s that icy thing hangin’ ’round my neck?
That’s gold, show me some respect”

Okay, I know it’s silly, but it annoys the crap out of me. Why the rest of the song doesn’t? Well, partly cause it’s on the silly side and partly cause when you work hard and put in the time to get somewhere, then awesome! Be proud of yourself and brag some about it. Hey, you did it and you should enjoy it. And while you’re at it take a little joy in the fact that those folks who didn’t believe in you are eating crow.

But just cause you have gold and jewels doesn’t mean you deserve respect. Too many people have these things from taking advantage of others so I just don’t see it as a sign of true personal success and a sign that one should be respected. It isn’t a sign of hard work and perseverance to me. I don’t have any problem with people wearing theses things, they can be fun. But don’t demand respect just cause you’re wearing it. Expect respect because you earned it.

I still like to listed to Me Too but I either turn the channel at the beginning or just mentally tune it out cause those two lines are just too frikin annoying.


I don’t actually hate these songs. And this isn’t a serious blog post. Just in case anyone was concerned or offended.

Who knows, maybe one day I’ll see these songs completely different and change my ideas about them. Sometimes hearing other peoples perspectives can open up ones own ideas and understanding. Could happen!

There are plenty more songs that I find annoying for various reasons but these two are the ones that come to mind when I think about it.

What about you? Any particular songs that just rub you the wrong way? Please feel free to share in the comments.



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So, this “war on Christmas” thing.

Looks like it’s taking another turn for the bizarre.

While there have been some small minded folks who were out to be real life Grinch’s,  most non-religious (including atheists) have no problem with other people celebrating Christmas and even saying “Merry Christmas”. Some even say it themselves while others opt for a more inclusive “Happy Holidays!”. Either way, they are not trying to take away from other peoples beliefs and traditions.

The bigger problem was Christians with the “martyr syndrome”, also known as, “persecution syndrome”. A person is taught that Christians will be and are persecuted and will be and are martyred for Christs sake and they put those virtual glasses on and see the world as if the persecution is happening to them in every little negative thing that happens and is said and written. And if there is nothing to perceive as religious persecution they make it up or twist things to make them look that way. I’m not saying there wasn’t and isn’t Christian persecution. That is obviously not true. However, it’s not limited to just Christians, it’s other religions and non religions as well. Yes, atheist get persecuted and murdered in the name of religion and politics and prejudice as well. Another good reason to coexist and be there for each other. We not all that different. The way people put on an air of persecution is insulting to those who have actually gone through it.

It’s not uncommon for one person to have something bad happen to them and the news spreads and suddenly everyone feels like they are victims as well and they don’t even know the original person. Humans do that. It’s also not uncommon for there to be a problem in one area and suddenly everyone every where is seeing similar ghosts around every corner even though it’s not actually happening in their area.

I am aware that there is some anti-Christian sentiment in certain places in the US. Often in bigger cities like those in southern California. Or so my sister has informed me. When I lived there I was a Christian and was an avid missionary stories reader so, looking back, I wasn’t sure if the persecution was real or in my head. My sister is a Christian, so I could wonder the same about her, and I am not totally sure it isn’t that way for her as well, but she does have some interesting stories. So, maybe it’s a problem in So. Cal to this day. However, I have friends in the South and they have some pretty horrible stories about how they personally have been treated by Christians due to not being a Christian. What ever it be, bullies are everywhere, sadly this is a fact.

So back to this “war on Christmas” thing. I do believe there are some folks who would like to get rid of Christmas, but I don’t believe it’s very many people. I think they are few and far between. Most non-religious people love holidays and celebrate as they please. A lot of them are aware of the Christmas origins and find it ironic that a lot of Christians don’t know the origins to their own celebrations. A lot of non-religious people also find it ironic that they have been put down and called horrible names because they greeted people with “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. Many atheists want to enjoy Christmas but find themselves targeted by their religious family members making the holiday less enjoyable and not as fun to look forward to.

Personally, so far, I have noticed less posts about the “war on Christmas” this year than the years before. So, that’s an improvement! Maybe the Christian community is getting the message out that bullying people you think are bullying you is not wise and Christ like. I don’t know. But it’s nice one way or another.

So this new bizarre thing. Well, it’s likely not new but it’s getting attention. Christians and Atheists attacking Atheists who celebrate Christmas by saying hateful, mean, ugly and ignorant things about them on social network and blogs, etc. What a dumb common ground. I don’t think they even know they are in agreement. Again, I don’t think it’s a lot of people doing this. It is becoming quite a thing on some Christian groups. I’ve read some of the posts and comments. Oy!  As for the Atheists, it’s a few outspoken well known ones. I’m not even sure if it’s more than two. Could be, but they have folks agreeing with them. Likely sheep type of folks. There’s sheep in everything. I’m not sure how long their “well known” status will be maintained. At this time they are exposing themselves as jerks so they may lose a lot of their followers. I’m sure the sheep will hang on for a while at least.

Still, it’s so strange seeing posts from Christians and Atheists about how Atheists have no business celebrating Christmas. I can’t help but hear the expression in my head, “You’re Not My Mom!” Which makes me laugh. But seriously, what gives anyone the right to tell another person what they can and can not celebrate. Now these folks are not just upset about Atheists using the word Christmas, they go so far as to think they shouldn’t have Christmas trees and get the day off to celebrate and spend time with their family. Even as a Christian I knew Christmas trees were pagan and the Bible spoke against them. As an Atheist I am not superstitious so I see no harm in the decorated good smelling festive trees or the word Christmas. However, the word atheist only means one doesn’t believe in any gods, so, there are some that are superstitious. Still, they have no right to tell others what they can and can not celebrate. It’s an individual choice. If they chose not to celebrate a holiday, that is their business, I will not make fun of them or tell them they have to do things my way. Same with the Christians, if they want a tree, great! If not, that is their own conviction. The only thing that irritates me is the ignorance that causes them to be jerks and lash out against people they disagree with.

As far as any atheist telling another atheist what they can and can not do, I recommend they start their own cult, maybe come up with a fancy name and serve Kool-Aid, cause that’s what they sound like they’re trying to do. I came out of a cult and I won’t join another regardless of how it’s dressed. Hell to the No!

As far as Christians telling non-believers they can’t celebrate Christmas, … This is the United States of America! I can celebrate what ever holiday I damn well please, thank you very much. And, for cryin out loud, go study some history lessons and for heavens sake, read your own Bible! Not just the parts you like, the whole damn thing! All of it! Seriously!!!  And that whole getting offended part, have you actually ever heard of Jesus. Wither he was a deity or not, real or not, he sure wouldn’t have condoned your actions, even if they were just social network actions. That’s for sure.

Christians, Atheists, people in general, you’re not gonna be able to help people by being mean to them. You’re not gonna win them over to your side and ideas by bullying them. There are some folks who do well with a good slap in the virtual face, but most folks will turn their hearing off and you will never get through to them. It’s not that they can’t understand and see reality or your reality, it’s that you screwed up the opportunity by your vain vicious actions. Kindness still works. And peace on Earth is not really a bad thing.

I wish you good-will and a gracious new year!

Be kind to each other!




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Romantic Awakening

A lousy poem by Lorenakoran


I was dormant

Not quite asleep

Lying there waiting

Not making a peep


The sky would turn

Muddy gray and white

I’d forget for a moment

Leaving space for the sky


I turned off so much

I didn’t even realize

How out of it I was

Till along came this guy


He made me no promise

He spoke what was true

He awoke my hopes

And set my dreams lose


What I really wanted
What I’ve never had
Only tastes and illusions

Crowded in my past


It felt good to remember

It felt good to hope and dream

But the truth sunk it later

I would go back to sleep


The gray sky is waiting

Back to my loveless coma

Remembering what was in my grasp

  That I didn’t quite have


Though it breaks my heart

And makes me cry

I don’t have regrets

I’ll find a way to fly


I hate that I don’t know when

Will it be tomorrow

Or years from now

Feeling is pain and pleasure


Eyes wide open

Mind alert

Knowing truth

So often hurts


I don’t want to go back to sleep

I wish there was a way

To stay in the moment

Never let it go away



My best friend


My biggest enemy


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I have this crazy evolution of dreams I have apparently been going through all of my life. Due to having what I call “excessive” sleep paralysis as a kid, teen and in my early adult years, I’ve had to learn how to handle it and how to handle the nightmares that came with it. Quite some time back I learned some lucid dreaming without even knowing that name.


I’ve written before about how I didn’t know about sleep paralysis and was taught and believed during the time I had it often that it was caused by demonic attacks. So I won’t go much into that now. However, knowing that background about me, it is understandable that my first inclination in a sleep paralysis or night mare state is religious in nature. During my first sleep paralysis after leaving Christianity I aromatically called on Jesus for his help. My mind quickly challenged me with, “but you don’t believe in Jesus anymore”. I countered my own mind confidently back with, “you’re right, I don’t” And then took my own steps to wake myself up. This was also before I knew the name sleep paralysis and the science behind it.


What I’ve learned in the sleeping world hasn’t just been about sleep paralysis, it’s been a lot about nightmares as well and even just dreams in general. Thanks to dream expert Laurie Lowenberg  from the Dream Zone which I learned about from 95.5 WIFC, I learned that dreams are psychological. They basically tell us in abstract what we are thinking and understand deep in our minds that we don’t even know we know.


While awake we aren’t always good listeners, even to ourselves. We see things and hear things that we don’t even notice or remember. And in real life we have limitations, whereas in dream life, we have none. So we can go all abstract in our thinking and reveal and figure things out that we can not do in the awake world. However, translating the abstract from dream to reality can be difficult. Which is where a dream expert can come in handy. I have paid attention and figured a lot out by listening to Laurie’s show segments on the radio and reading her articles and other things written by experts, just working through the puzzle, and by figuring out what makes sense and adds up.


It’s rare for me to have nightmares anymore. When I do have one I figured it out as soon as I fell that strange feeling and then I deal with it. I’ve felt like the nightmare imp was getting disappointed in me. lol Of course that so called imp would be part of my own psyche. So instead of scary things chasing me or scary things happening to me, people from my past started making appearances. It wasn’t scary but I woke up disturbed. I’ve had some break throughs in that area so that hasn’t happened in a while.

Last night I tread on new dream territory, new to me anyway. I don’t recall the dream leading up to it, but I remember going into a small room with a lamp light on. I flipped the light switch on the wall to turn on the main light which came on but then the lamp light went out. This made me curious so I  attempted to turn that lamp back on. When I did that the main light went off. There ended up being three lights and I couldn’t get two or all of them on at the same time. I do recall that there was a person in the hall that I was making comments to about this expressing how odd it was.  And then I felt it, that nightmare feeling of fear, like a ghost just entered your dream and is messing with you. I knew something was wrong. My first inclination was to call on Jesus. Talk about “old habits die hard.” I caught myself right away and decided to go ahead and chant the word “Jesus” cause it felt good to chant something. Since leaving religion I’ve found that many religious things like prayer and chanting do have some value cause they can help calm us and/or get our minds off things so we can think clearer. While I chanted my mind was racing, then suddenly I  thought, “I wonder if this is a dream?” Then everything went black.


This wasn’t actually from my dream. Lol! I wish I could record my dreams. That would be so cool!

I could feel the fear sensation get stronger. But I wasn’t afraid, I was waiting, waiting to see what would happen. The blackness only lasted a moment then everything around me changed to gray. The kind of gray you see when you are in a super thick fog but without the moisture. The fear sensation grew, I could hear and feel the pressure of it in my head. I stood there looking into the gray nothingness, feeling the fear but not feeling afraid. I considered that possibly the chemical that our body releases for caution that usually is translated as fear was likely released in my body. So I just virtually stood there feeling it yet not being emotionally affected by it. It was intense and something I’ve never experienced before.



It didn’t last long. I calmly opened my eyes into the awake world. I didn’t like the left over feeling but immediately decided it was time to turn over. So I did, then fell back asleep peacefully.


Truth is… I’ve been having guy trouble. Lol!



Bill Nye is currently still not my boyfriend, never met me, and still doesn’t even know I exist.

This is the second time since I decided that I might be ready for a relationship that a guy has deceived me. Thankfully I did not get into a relationship with either of them,  I just had hopes and no signals that they were not interested in me at all after expressing to them how I felt. When I like someone I really care about them, so I get hurt easy and quick. I really wanted to believe that this latest guy was genuine but it was all just “artificial light”. He kept everything vague and at a distance and then started sending mixed messages which explained the lights taking turns turning off and on again. This guy is on the high IQ geek side. My ex is a high IQ geek. It was hard at first to not see all high IQ geeks as people like my ex. But that wasn’t fair so I have done my best to put that prejudice off and give high IQ geek like people a chance.  It’s really not been an issue anymore for a while now.

I saw some of those characteristics like my ex in this guy but I liked some things about him too and wanted to give him a chance. When he started sending the mixed messages I was a bit confused and hurt. Thankfully a friend helped me put it behind me and let it go. And thankfully my mind knew and was trying to help me too. I don’t like feeling confused and not knowing what is going on so I just feel so much better now that I get it and can move forward mentally.


I admit, smart intelligent men are attractive to me. But so is kindness, honesty, affection, thoughtfulness, non-whinnyness. Oh, and NO F’n games! 

I really got a kick out of being in that dream state knowing I was in a dream and knowing the fear I felt was likely chemical and I didn’t have to respond to it but just be there and let it go it’s course and then be done. If it’s happened before I don’t recall it. I’ve known I was dreaming on many occasions, but not this new chemical caution/fear recognition. It was pretty cool.




I copied most of the pictures from Bing Images.

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