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I’ve grown tired of it
It’s getting old
but I don’t think it’ll end
it’s the nature of people
it’s just who they are
they can’t see it
the’re programmed

*

I wasn’t raised like them
I”m not normal
I remind myself
to help me move on
to help me not be critical

*

it can be difficult
it can be lonely
when you don’t have
or when you lose
you community
you may call me friend
you may say you’re here for me
you may offer a helping hand
you may say you thought of me
but you didn’t invite me
to that place you know I love
you talk about the fun you had
while I work on my poker face

*

You talk about the difficult things
you went through
I tell you I wish I’d known
I’d have been there to help you
that’s when you inform me
you don’t need my help
because you have your friends

*

do I do these things
I wonder and ponder
I think sometimes I have
not because I don’t see you
not because we’re not friends
but more of a reaction
a shield to protect me
from the disappointment
of being forgotten
of being left out again

*

those things
those disappointments
used to stab me in my face
a great pain
like a kick in the gut
I’ve come a long way
I don’t expect much
not any more
I understand people
they aren’t always in command
of what they do and what they say
it’s more reactionary
more habit
you can’t see it if you’re blind
how you make your fringe friends feel
is behind a fog
you’ve no idea what’s there
this is normal
it’s not a sin
you just don’t know
you just don’t understand
it still gets to me once in a while
thankfully it doesn’t last long
I’ve learned how to recover
put it on the back burner
or just forget

*

I don’t really need you
at least not anymore
not even the times
you’ve scolded me
for not asking you to be there
when I needed help
when I needed a hand
I see the irony in this
still your expression
tells me you simply can’t

***

-By Lorenakoran

 

Image result for feeling left out

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Pride
By Lorenakoran
June 2019

Pride they say
Pride may be
The one thing
Keeping me
From the abyss
All the pushing
All the pulling
From loved ones
From enemies
From opinions
From beliefs
From minds
That are not me
So I look inward
I find my strength
Closing my eyes
I breath
I’m my own invention
Only I need
From myself
Acceptance
Some say it’s wrong
Some say it’s a sin
But I know the truth
I know the right direction
I can be proud and still change
I can be proud and still love
I can be proud and value you
My pride is not a threat
My pride is not is sin
My pride doesn’t make me fall
My pride pulls me up
My pride makes me stand
With others who need a hand
For others who need a sign
That they too
Can embrace their pride
They too can live and thrive
My pride is a beacon
A hope in the storm
You are not alone
You are beautiful
You have much to offer
You are valuable
Hold my hand in pride
Reach for another
We are stronger together
In our differences
Side by side
Our freak flag flies
This is us
This is our pride

Related image

If you’re wondering if I was inspired to write this because of Pride month, you might be right, I can’t actually remember, but there’s a good chance it is.

Sometimes I have to directly go against some of the scriptures burned into my brain. Sure, the ideal would be to find the balance, but, when something is burned into your brain it may take going the opposite direction for a while to overcome the programming. While I do this from time to time I am aware at some point I will need to find the balance. However, I’ve found in time that I tend to balance naturally at some point.

Two things that come to mind that I’ve had to actively work on like this are laziness and pride. Besides having them drilled into my head by others as some horrible sin, I’ve  also drilled them into my own head. I was a big fan of Proverbs, which I see now as a very destructive book.

So as you may have noticed here in the above poem I’m taking direct shots at the lies I was taught, believed and lived on the subject of Pride.

You may think that people have different ideas of what pride is and it may differ by context, which I agree with. However, I lived most my life under the belief that any and all pride was taking glory away from the Lord Jesus Christ and thus an insult to him, a type of thievery, and a sin.

Also, the fall that is supposed to follow pride was looked at at something the proud deserved. I applied this to myself on many occasions.

I find that being open, honest, and transparent about my life that when a “fall” moment occurs it’s usually not a big deal because as proud as I may have been about something I’m also aware and outspoken about the possibility that I may be wrong, and that if that is the case then I can use the new info to better myself. Sure, there are times it smarts and makes me feel uncomfortable, but that’s life. It’s not because I sinned, it’s because I made a mistake and maybe bragged a bit too much. Life lessons, not sins.

Image result for pride cometh before fall scripture

 

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Memorial Day

By Lorenakoran

On this Memorial Day

May we remember the fallen

The heroes who laid down their lives

Giving of themselves

So we may live in freedom

This country may not be perfect

But when we stand or kneel

Exercising our rights

We honor their sacrifice

As we cheer and drink

Let’s not forget why

We gather with friends and family

Why we picnic in the sun

On this reverend holiday

Have fun, celebrate

But don’t forget to lift you glass

Be sure to cheer the fallen

Keeping them in our hearts

With love and with honor

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i-believe-that-the-best-way-to-become-an-atheist-is-to-read-the-bible-quote-1

Penn Jillette isn’t the only one who feels this way. I’ve personally met several people who believe this because it’s actually happened to them.  I think for the average person this could be true. However, I wasn’t raised in a normal atmosphere, I was raised with a more fundamentalist outlook, and I was raised in a cult type of lifestyle. Eventually, I ended up in a cult.
I responded to a post much like the above meme and decided to copy my comment and share it here on my blog. 

Btw, the Bible wasn’t the only book my mom read to us when we were little. She also read various Christian book as well. Some of them were quite fun. 
Here is the comment I mentioned;

 

I was raised with the KJV Bible. My mom would often read it to my sister and me after we went to bed. She’d also ask us question during the reading to be sure we were listening which was annoying cause we often were drifting off to sleep. So, we learned her vocal tone and knew wither the questions needed a “yes” or a “no”. Well, more like “uh-huh” type answers.
We also memorized Bible passages and verses and one year both won the Bible memorization contest our school had. I was very proud of myself for at least 15 minutes.
My mom read through the Bible with us several times. In my teens, I was inspired to read it all on my own from a challenge our pastor put out. Up to the age of 38, I studied the Bible almost every day. If a day or a few days went by I would feel guilty and get back to reading and meditating on what I read at least a few verses or more.
I was very indoctrinated and brainwashed so reading through the scriptures obviously didn’t deter me. We were on the fundi side like Charlie. So we knew about the atrocities but we didn’t see them as such.
Even now when atheist say something negative about the Bible I can hear what I, or others, would have answered. But I also see the circular reasoning, cognitive dissonance, confirmation bias, and brainwashing. It’s annoying. I don’t really have a lot of hope for people like I was, but, there are some that can reason and just need the direction to go in pointed out to them. It took a few big hits to knock the sense into me and I don’t wish for anyone to go through that.
I did study the Bible some after waking up and found that everything I read was copied from older pagan religions.
I haven’t studied or read the Bible for a long time. It’s kind of a trigger for me. Like, I don’t even wanna think about reading it. I do however quote scriptures to other Christians to either correct them or help them. I’m not a bitch about it, I just slip stuff in to remind them what “God” really said according to their book.

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Dreams are like ignored children.

temper tantrom kid

Children will often cry, scream, and throw temper tantrums in order to convey their ideas, anxiety, and even simple requests.

Our minds, our deep thoughts, and ideas get lost and ignored in our business, so, our mind will insist on communicating with us in the realm of our dreams using odd and colorful images in a sort of desperation to get through to us.

I believe understanding the psychology behind dreams and understanding the symbolism is important and can be very helpful in our day to day living.

What our subconscious may be trying to get across to us may not always be correct, regardless, understanding where we are mentally still helps us move forward. Wither it’s understanding our true desires or that we still need healing, and so on, it’s enlightening and helpful.

There’s a lot of info out there on what the symbolism means. I tend to go with what makes sense and adds up. Although most of us share the symbols there can be differences, so, in my opinion, it’s not an exact thing. My daughter has Asperger’s and we find that some common symbolism interpretations don’t seem to work for her.

I still think understanding the basics can possibly help one understand how their own mind works and maybe help them find a pattern for themselves.

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Sometimes I don’t want to deal with what my subconscious is throwing a fit over, I mean giving me a whack dream over. Regardless, it knows what’s actually affecting me and honestly, I should listen because working on what is really affecting me is much more productive in bettering myself and improving my overall health.

Usually I have a pretty good understanding of dreams, however, sometimes I draw a blank. My go-to symbolism word search for dreams is Laurie Laurenbergs whatyourdreammeans.com. It’s a simple word search meaning generator that I find helpful without extra frills. Frills are an option though if that’s something you like.

I have had those “you watched too many episodes of American Horror Story” dreams. While I may find them disturbing, or even inspirational, lol, I don’t take them too seriously. That’s gonna happen.

I think one of the most disturbing ones are the feature-length beginning to end movie like dreams that are super awesome but I can’t remember a few minutes after waking. Arg! Missed book opportunity major!

bed side note pad

On that note, if you want to remember your dreams, from what I’ve learned and experienced, you need to convince your brain that this is indeed what you desire. One way to attempt to do this is to write your dreams down as soon as you wake, or at least write everything you can recall even if it’s just a couple of words. The idea is that the more you do this the more your brain gets the message that you actually really do want to remember and if it works you should start recalling more and more, improving your dream recall as you go. There are other techniques you can look up and try if you want and find what’s best for you. I find that even just talking about it with people, analyzing not just mine but others dreams and researching them helps me with dream recall. When I’m not doing this my dreams just seem to fade and are easily forgotten.

Wither you’re interested in what your subconscious wants you to pay attention to or not, be comforted in understanding that your brain actually cares about you. That’s you! You care about you even if it’s in your deepest hidden self.
Also, understanding that the scary, sad, and disturbing dreams are actually symbolism and contain a helpful message can help one overcome the unnecessary pain, fear, and anxiety that misunderstood dreams often bring.

 

an uninterpreted dream.jpg

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Depression in March 2019
By Lorenakoran 3/28/19

 

I’m jealous of those who have nothing to live for

Who made nothing solid of their life

Who can live and die and the world keeps turning

Very few if any mind their gravesite

It’s quiet, no flowers are tended there

It’s deserted, calm and forgotten

Was it a life of drugs, sex, and debauchery

Carefree, careless and by all means squandered

Why do we judge these people so harshly

They played each day as if it was their last

Why did we want them to be sober, responsible

A father, a mother, our version of success

Shackled, restricted, burdened and anchored down

Giving birth to people they care about

A reason to live as if that’s all that matters

What bad advice we pass on and on

If I could choose an alternate life, I’d live it precariously

I’d live each day free and do as I mother fuckin pleased

 

No photo description available.

 

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Instead of writing a bunch on my post comments area, I decided to just transfer the post to my blog and go on about things here. I may update this later. f so I’ll be sure to date it. Here’s the original post and comments;

tonsil stones post on FB

 

tonsil stones post on FB 2

tonsil stones post on FB 3

tonsil stones post on FB 4

I called the docs office to speak to a nurse about it and see if I should so a walk in or just not worry about it. I ended up leaving a message because they were very busy with flu patients. They never called back so yesterday early evening I decided to play around with it all myself. I’ve been wondering if they’re like cysts. At first, I thought the right side was the worst, after all, I got a lot of chunks out of that tonsil right away. At one point I felt a pop like when you bust a big pimple and a chunk came out. This makes me believe even more it’s like or is a cyst. I got more balls and chunks and small curd lookin stuff out. Inside my mouth, they looked mostly white but once out of my mouth they are more yellow.

Turned out though that the right side wasn’t nothing compared to what the left had to offer. The left side, OMG! At first, it was just a small amount. Unlike the right side, I couldn’t see the stuff oozing out of the pockets, I would just scoop inside the large pocket area and pull small curds and chunks out. But then I found that when I put pressure on certain areas large amounts of curds squished out. It was gaging, not just because I was messing with the back area of my mouth but because seeing bunches of nasty gunk come out and land on the back area of my tongue grossed me out. I pulled out chucks and squeezed out bunches of crap over and over and over, I lost count.

I don’t really have halitosis, but I have had problems with accurately tasting and smelling things and I have had a foul taste in my mouth that comes and goes. It’s never stayed long enough for me to have a problem except for a few times when I was sick, or I should say more sick than usual.

I am now wondering if this tonsil crap issue is causing any of the other symptoms I’m often fighting, maybe even the CFS. Maybe! I would actually like for it to be THE reason. In my mind having my tonsils removed and having the CFS go away would be a dream come true. However, life hasn’t worked out that simply for me in the past so I’m aware I’m just dreaming. But, wouldn’t that be nice!

I called and left a message, this time on a machine, with my doctor’s office explaining the update on the tonsil crap and asking for advice. Currently while writing this (4pm)  it’s been a little over an hour since the call.

Aw! 4:45pm, got a callback! The nurse asked about other symptoms like fever, swollen glands, appetite, etc…

I don’t think I have a fever, I’m pretty sure I don’t. Fevers haven’t been a simple thing for me in the past because I don’t keep a fever like most folks. Usually, when I run fevers they come and go within seconds. Catching on on a thermometer is difficult because they don’t linger. I can usually feel them though, they make me feel very strange and my head buzzes a bit. I haven’t had any of those familiar sensations so I’m going with no fever. I am, however, going through the hot flashes stage of life, but I believe I can tell the difference, I think. Lol! You know what’s annoying? Telling a nurse and doctor how fevers work with me and then having them take my temp and tell me my temp is fine completely dismissing what I told them beforehand. My daughter has the same issue with her high pain tolerance. She will tell them she has high pain tolerance, they will ask her how much pain she is in, she will say about a five or so and they will dismiss her complaints and tell her she’s fine. If she’s a five, if she’s complaining at all, for most folks it’s likely somewhere between a seven and a ten, or more. She’s not comfortable lying about it, but maybe she should. I’m not comfortable telling my kid to lie, but there are exceptions, apparently. Maybe I should invest in a miniature portable heat lamp to warm my head up with before the nurse swipes it with the thermometer. Lol! Another annoying one is when I tell the medical professionals that I’ve been going through whatever it is I’m there about for a long time and that I’m not good at taking care of myself but that I am trying. They don’t necessarily dismiss this, they just looked slightly confused and move on away from it. Well, that would still be dismissing it, but in a different way, maybe. I understand psychological things are challenging for many people. Still, I have a hard time believing I’m all that odd. I hear the same challenge from many folks, but maybe they just don’t mention it to their doctors.

Back to symptoms and the nurse on the line. I told her I have CFS symptoms in general so it’s difficult to tell when it’s related to the CFS or something else. One thing different though is that I’ve had a sore neck muscle on the right side and yesterday the left side of the inside of my mouth on the cheek was red but it’s not anymore. She recommended I come in just in case I have strep throat and put me through to the appointment line. It took enough time for me to think so once the lady answered I had talked myself out of going. I told her I’ll just wait and bring it up to the doctor on Monday when I come in for the pre-op I have already scheduled and that if things get worse I’ll just come into the walk in.

I also made another appointment for after that because there are a few other things I need to talk with the doc about and I’m not sure he’ll have enough time on my Monday appointment for everything. If he does I can always cancel the second appointment. One of the other things is my left lower leg muscle near my shin which hurts like crazy when I barely bump it, which I did while on hold. And the other is my right knee which hurts like crazy when I kneel on it which I usually do to climb into bed. I’ve found ways not to do that but every now and then I blow it and man does it hurt for a while. These issues have been going on a long time now so I’m a bit concerned. Hopefully, the doctor will have a clue about it all. I’ve googled the symptoms, but there’s too much out there. And there are trigger words that get in the way. such as “shin”, if you google that you get all kinds of stuff on shin splints and shin injuries.

I do love that we can do our own research and that it’s much easier now than ever before, but it’s still not always easy. I had a doctor yell at me once cause I told her I thought I had IBS. She went off about how I can’t just google something and then think I have it. So, it took several years before I finally got an IBS diagnosis and the IBS had gotten much worse before I got treatment for it. Funny thing was that I hadn’t actually googled it, I had heard a lot of folks talk about it and I had the symptoms they brought up. I also never said I had it, I just asked about it. Since having that doctor yell at me about not googling symptoms I’ve found that sometimes one can come to a much faster conclusion and way to repair themselves by googling then by going to see a doctor who doesn’t really give a shit. I do like my doctor, she’s just overbooked and more recently I lost my insurance so I stopped going to the doctors. But when I do see her and the doctor I’m seeing on Monday they take me seriously and don’t mind that I’ve done any research or have opinions. There was a doc I saw not too long ago that laughed at me so I won’t be seeing him anymore. And no, it wasn’t a “laugh with me” sort of thing. I love laughing with people, but a professional who I’m supposed to trust my life with better not laugh at me in a mocking way, that’s not okay.

Well, that’s it so far. We’ll have to wait to see how this all turns out.

 

Catch ya next time!

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