Panic at the Meltdown

Written on 9/13/2023

I worked early today and it was a pretty easy day for the most part, … except my feet were hurting really bad.

Since I worked earlier I got off earlier and the pain increased and spread up my leg’s and my ribs hurt. Just to clarify, the pain didn’t increase because I got off earlier, I’ve just been under a lot of stress and stress triggers the CFS and Fibro symptoms. It took me a long ass time to get home cause I had to walk at practically a crawling pace.

Not like one of those fast crawling babies like my son Kyle was, he won a Jamba Juice crawling contest once when he was a baby and I got a bunch of free Jamba Juice, it was awesome! Yes, I shared some of them with the kids. Just some of them.

Anyway, more like a slow person in a lot of pain type of crawling pace.

When I got back to the room something set me off and I had a “melt down” of sorts and went off at Kara and Tyler. By going “off” for me it’s just being grumpy and getting upset that the dishes aren’t done or something like that.

I can take a lot and I do take a lot but then it all piles up and Kaboom!

Kara dealt with it by being understanding, washing a few dishes, and going off at Tyler.

Tyler dealt with it by being freaked out and then lecturing me about it.

What I needed, … what I needed was what I’ve always needed when things just get to be too much. I needed empathy and time alone.

But I can’t expect people to just know that so I had to find a way to communicate it. At first it came off more like a bad apology, you know, the kind where a person says they’re sorry and then tells you why they really aren’t sorry and why it’s all someone else’s fault.

I didn’t mean for it to come off that way and eventually Tyler and I came to an understanding, for which I’m thankful. Meanwhile, Kara’s asleep.

I really do not mean to hurt anyone, and I am “sorrowful” for causing harm and discomfort. At the same time I still need compassion and time to heal and understanding. One concept doesn’t always have to negate the other.

I still think we do really well considering the three of us live in very cramped quarters with very little to no privacy. Getting away here isn’t really getting away cause when we leave the room the odds are there will be people and noise, often excessive noise, and so on.

I pay about $60 a day to stay here in this one room, two bed, hotel room with a mini frig, small microwave, small dresser, desk, and a night stand. Sure, for a short time stay that’s a good deal and normally the room would be more like $100 a night but since we’ve been here so long we get the long term managers special and don’t have to pay room tax. But, … it’s $1,800 for a 30 day month. I don’t actually make that much, I pay what I can and eventually get behind and then on the first when I get my pension I use it to catch us up and then it all starts over again.

Being homeless is So Much Work !!! I am not usually in this much pain, some pain, but not this much. I am almost always exhausted. When my friend and sister asked if they could help ease some of the load like with paper work and stuff it felt exhausting even trying to think of how they could help. My friend figured out she could help by printing forms off for me when needed and giving me a ride to the court house when we finally get that going. I haven’t yet got it going.
My sister helped me by trying to figure out which forms I needed to fill out to contest the evection on my record, I’ve never actually been evicted but my record says I have.
I still haven’t gotten any of that stuff done. I feel like I come off as ungrateful but I’m not, I’m just tired and barley able to do the minimum of what I need to do.

On the good side, we did finally complete the course we were require to take to get help from a local organization. So, now all we have to do is fill in the “homework” and send it back. The homework is a bunch of application like forms. I’ve done quite a bit of mine but there’s some things I need to make calls and get the info for and I need to be awake and alert during business’ hours to do that. I think Levi may be done with his. All four of us have to do our own set of forms and turn them in. Then we will get a mentor. We will still need to do the home hunting and there’s some more steps after that.

The housing program isn’t just good for me due to having the false eviction on my record but also the oldest two cause they were evicted from Bethel Place in Arpin, WI, the place where Tyler was verbally and physically assaulted and the place where the landlord took me to eviction court even though I didn’t live there. And it’s good for Levi because he has no credit history. He does have a good rental history now, but most places will judge you by your credit score regardless. So, even if I were to get the false eviction off my record first, the program is something we probably needed regardless. My credit score could certainly be better too. I have to pour all my income into the hotel so, for now, I’m not able to pay my old bills and they have been turned over to creditors.

Why am I telling you all this?

Partly because I want to, and this is my page and you’re not the boss of me!

That was humor in case you didn’t know.

When it comes to writing we can’t expect everyone to know when we’re using humor and that’s okay. I mean, it’s not like I can make a face at you or wink or smile. I’m harping on this cause recently I was belittled for not catching some ones humor online. I think I’d just rather they remove me and block me, but whatever! I guess it showed me their true colors. I’ll never trust them again, for sure! Blah! They are like the taste of ear wax. Belittling people is not okay. Yuck!

I share things somewhat as insight into my life but also because I am never the only one going through what I am going through. Maybe by reading about what I’m going through and how I feel and all will help others with understanding and empathy and compassion towards other people like me. Maybe you can’t help me, but maybe by bettering your understanding you’ll be able to help someone else somewhere down the road. Or maybe you’ll be able to avoid some of the things that have led to my demise or if you are in a similar situation maybe you won’t feel so alone.

For those who wonder, Tyler IS trying to get a job. His last job closed up and left without paying him and even bounced a check that they had given him which has cause a problem with his bank account. Although it’s 2023, autism and type one diabetes are a problem when it comes to decent employment. However, Tyler will find something eventually, I just hope it’s not another place that takes advantage of people or abuses people with disabilities.

Here’s the thing about disabilities and challenges like autism, ADHD, Anxiety disorder, OCD, depression, trauma, even diabetes, & etc., it may not show physically but it often still very much affects a persons ability to have a “normal” life and many people with these conditions depend on a caregiver who is usually not paid to take care of them, like a parent for instance. Many people with mental challenges like those either can not “launch” or take longer. So, when the child support stops and other helpful stuff ends, the parenting job isn’t necessarily over, it just has to be done along with working a job or another job. And if the parent or guardian has a disability or so, it doesn’t matter, well, to some it might, but to people like me I am not going to dump my kids in the gutter and leave them there.

Maybe a GoFundMe will be the answer to all our problems. My mom and friend tried that avenue.
I have had negative results in the raising money area but I thought maybe it’s me, maybe if someone else did it things would be better, I was trying to be positive about it. It’s been around four months now and there have been two very kind people who have donated. I am really thankful for them and for my friend and mom for trying. My sister has gone out of her way to try to help and I am thankful and often feel bad about it cause she has her own family and needs.

It’s usually the folks who don’t have that give the most, I find. Especially weed, I’ve been given “flower” a few time by homeless people now. Sorry, but, they couldn’t afford it but they were good people who wanted to help out another struggling person and that’s all they had to give. There was this one guy who was asking for “a hand out” and gave Tyler his sandwich meat and mini jar of mayo. It was so nice of him!
Yeah, I do that too but I grew up giving so it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I guess it is at least sometimes, it the receiving that always feels like a big deal to me.

I know people with plenty but I don’t think they give a second thought about helping and I wont ask them. I’m not really even sure why, maybe it’s something I should do. I think it may be a flaw. I’m not sure of the psychology here, I’m too tired to think deep right now.

Also, if you’re wondering, yes, I did apply for disability and I was denied. Yes, I plan to keep at it but I haven’t yet, it’s one of the many things I need to do.
I don’t mind working, I often even like it, but my body is so wore out.
When it comes to CFS and fibromyalgia I can’t plan for when I’ll be okay and when I won’t. I can often get an idea but it’s not a set schedule.

I really should be working “from home” and not on my feet but I’m currently doing quite the opposite. I usually like my job but I can feel it taking it’s toll and it’s not good. The longer I do it, the worse things get. Sometimes when I’m working and the fatigue and pain sets in I wish I had one of those devices that Baron Vladimir Harkonnen floats around in. Lol!

I hope you guys have a better day then my evening was. I think the rest of my night will be better. Things change, feelings change, nothing stays the same and for that I am grateful!

Note; Regarding the art, I used an AI generator to do them. I altered a few of them on paint. I understand it is preferred to actually pay real people to do art work but I have no way of being able to pay for that. If I did I certainly would do it. I’d love to take some art courses so I could do my own art without the help of an AI art generator but for now this is what works. You can find my NightCafe AI art page at https://creator.nightcafe.studio/u/LoriRevels . Be sure to check it out and heart the art you like, comment, and Follow! Thanks!

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The Health Insurance Impossible Circle

Some people with chronic pain are not able to work, some can, and some choose to try. Regardless, it’s important that they have a dedicated medical specialist to help manage their symptoms and pain. Obviously, here in the US, one needs medical insurance for this. 

Government and state insurance usually prefer people to work but will quickly and without much, if any, warning cut the insurance down or completely off if they decide the person is making “too much” money. 

In order to continue working, for many it is imperative that the person have their medication and in order to keep getting their medication they need to keep seeing their specialist and/or doctor which is often not possible once the gov and state insurance are cut off. 

This doesn’t just apply to people with chronic pain, it applies to many other conditions including mood disorders and mental psychosis. 

For instance, a person with depression might be able to hold down a job quite well and be very successful while consistently on their medication. But, when the gov and state insurance is cut off there’s a good chance they will not be able to cover the cost of the doctor and the meds thus causing them to not just lose their employment but possibly end up with a bad employment record as well. 

Making a few extra bucks will not cover medical expenses. There are some places that have clinics with sliding scales and some of those places are reliable, sadly many are not. There are businesses that offer prescription discounts, but when your first priority is keeping a roof over your head, running water and electricity, and food on the table, there’s often nothing left for that “copay”. Hospitals often offer financial assistance for folks who do not have and can’t afford medical insurance, while it may look nice on paper, the assistance doesn’t cover all the expenses and the person is left in debt for years to come and will often no longer seek much needed medical and mental help any longer.
Many jobs offer insurance if a person works a certain amount of hours and it’s usually not free. Many people with chronic pain and other physical and mental challenges can not work the required amount of hours to qualify and can not afford the cost of the insurance they would be required to pay. So this is not, in many cases, a viable possibility.
It may seem understandable that the government and state do not want to be taken advantage of, but their requirements are not reasonable and are actually causing many folks who do not want to be dependent on the “system” even more dependent because it comes down to a more “do or die” type choice.
And really, it’s not even that simple, but this is a touch of what is going on in our country right now.
If we had free healthcare for all, it may cause very wealthy CEO’s  to lose some money, but it would make a huge positive difference for the majority of Americans. It won’t solve all our problems, but imagine if people could get the medical aid and the mends they need! Imagine if people with chronic pain weren’t in so much pain! Imagine if people with depression and bi polar and schizophrenia and other mood disorders and psychosis had access to their meds and the help to be and stay on them! While not everyone would take full advantage of this I believe many would and I believe it would eliminate much of the unemployment, much of the aggression, much of the subsidies, much of the “road rage”, and so on.
For those who don’t believe in the medical system in general, put your money where your mouth is. If you have magical cures, give them away. The average person can not afford your snake oil whether it works or not. So if you’re not gonna supply it for free to all who ask then please help support the quest for free health care. And for those who are fearful that free healthcare will lead us into socialism and communism, that is not necessarily true, and your fear is likely causing many to suffer. So while you are afraid of a government that will cause people to suffer, you yourself are doing the very same. Please stop it! Please stop hindering people from getting healthcare, please do the right thing and stop causing and promoting harm. 

If none of this affects you personally, or so you think anyway, as a human with compassion, please get involved and help this country overcome big corp and start actually taking care of it’s people. 

There are folks who believe if anything is “free” then it will magically cause people to become lazy. Maybe this will happen to a few, or not, but people in general tend to overwork, not underwork, themselves. Big corp has promoted the idea of lazymess to keep us enslaved for years. Most of us are quite brainwashed about this. Time to pull that plug, we are not lazy, we are literally being worked to death. 

When we truly band together for this much needed human right we need to be ready for insurance companies and any company and person who may lose millions and billions to bare their teeth and claws and do and say anything to propagate fear in order to stop it from happening, They do not want to lose their grip on this country, they are milking us and they will do anything, they will lie, cheat, and threaten, they will buy people off, they will use anyone. Beware and be ready and don’t fall for their nasty propaganda. They will use politics, religion, community, family, anything and everything. They will find your passions and use them against you. They will pretend they are on your side. They will be desperate and they will not go out without a fight. 

Freedom isn’t easily won, we must not turn on each other and we must remain diligent and strong and when one of us is weakening we must be compassionate but remain firm. We have already overcome so much, we can do it again! Is this “our country”, is this “our land”? Big corp says “NO”, “no it is not, it is theirs”. There are way more of us than them, they may have the money, but we have the people!

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